Fearless (18 page)

Liam sniffled. “Lou is really kicking my ass this time.”

The simple mention of that name sent a chill up my spine. “Your mom says you’re getting better.”

“Doesn’t feel like it.” He shook against me. “I’m lucky I met you.”

“Nah, I’m the lucky one.”

“Shut up, I’m complimenting you.”

“Sorry.”

“That’s better.” He trembled a little more. “I only wanted one friend, you know. Just one, not a whole pack. One guy to hang with. And I found this awesome dude….”

“I’m not awe—”

“Shut
up
,” he ordered, his voice a crackly warble. “I’m trying to explain shit.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s kind of…. Well, it was selfish. Because I figured Lou was going to get me this time, and whatever friend I made would be sad. So, I’m sorry.”

Panic clawed at my heart. “You’re getting better.”

He laughed. It turned into a sob. And then he was crying so hard his whole body was convulsing against me. I held onto him, totally ripped apart by how much pain he was in. There was nothing I could do—not one God damn fucking thing.

If life could break someone as brave as Liam, what chance did a pathetic loser like me have?

His wrenching, wracking sobs went on and on like he might never stop. I hugged him tight to me and tried to soothe him, but I felt so helpless. I didn’t know what to say. Everything I thought of just sounded idiotic in my head.

Little by little, the convulsions eased. His tears stuttered to a halt. And then he just shivered against me, his breath hitching.

“Fucking Lou,” Liam choked out, wiping his eyes. “He turns me into such a crybaby.”

I looked into those moist green eyes, and my heart ached. “You don’t have to be strong all the time.”

That made him tear up again. He curled up against me and sniffled. “I just get so tired sometimes. It never seems to end and sometimes…. Sometimes I just want it to.”

Sometimes I just want it to….

“I can’t even imagine.”

“Yeah….” Liam let out a shaky breath. “It was sweet, what you did with Aolani. It was never that I was scared she would say no. It’s just…. I don’t want too many people to miss me when I’m gone. I don’t want to do that to them.”

“Oh, Liam….” I blinked away hot tears. The defeat in his voice was like a knife in my stomach. “You’re not going anywhere. You’re too tough.”

“Not that you’d know it to look at me right now.”

“Shut up, it’s my turn now.”

A dusty, dry laugh escaped him. “Okay, Tina.”

“Don’t call me that,” I grumbled.

“Sorry.”

He didn’t sound sorry.

I took a deep breath and struggled to find the words to explain, to make him understand what was in my heart. It wasn’t easy, because there were so many emotions twisting me up inside. But in their midst was a core idea and I wanted to get it across to him.

“You owe it to people to let them know you. Because knowing you has changed my life.”

Liam wiped his runny nose. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

I took off my shirt to give him something to wipe his face. It was already a loss from his storm of weeping anyway. When he settled back down, pillowing his head on my chest, it felt really nice—intimate in a way that was somehow not sexual. I was too much of a mess to figure out how that worked.

“You can’t live your life waiting for Lou to get you,” I told him, working really hard to keep my voice even. The idea of Liam dying was something I couldn’t handle at all. “If you put everything on hold …  friends, girls, whatever, then you’re dead already, aren’t you?”

“Who died and made you Dr. Phil?” he asked, smiling up at me.

“Plagiarist.”

Liam settled back down. “You may be right. I thought I was the brains in this friendship.”

“That was a dumb thing to think.”

Liam laughed, if only briefly. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Sure.”

“Can you smuggle me in a cheeseburger and fries?” His moist eyes radiated hope.

I laughed. “No. Your mom would kill me.”

“Come on. I’ll show you my dick….”

“Seen it.”

“Damn.” Liam snuggled into me. “Can you stay over?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” I told him.

I wasn’t, either. I was getting into the trenches with him. Lou was going to have to fight both of us. And we were going to kick his ass.

Chapter 19

I
T WAS A FEW DAYS
before Liam came back to school. But when he did, he was the Liam I knew and…. Yeah, you’ve probably guessed, haven’t you? I was totally in love with him. Even my heart is stupid. Falling in love with my straight best friend, does it get any more cliché?

So, when he started going out with Aolani, I had all these ugly and really inappropriate jealous feelings. They were stupid and embarrassing, so I just buried them. I did it because Liam was happy, and that was the only thing that mattered. I wouldn’t allow myself to ruin things for him.

And hey, I still had my hand, so I could cope.

It was also kind of adorable how excited he was. He just couldn’t stop talking about her. And even though it made me crazy with jealousy, I loved hearing how well he and Aolani were getting along. I think that’s called masochism.

I also had my hands full with my team. We were doing really well, and when the meets broke for winter break, we looked good for getting into the semi-finals. This had the weird effect of bringing out my dormant competitive nature, which surprised me all to hell.

The team started to regret making me captain once I started pushing them really hard in practice. I wasn’t doing anything to them that Kanoa hadn’t done to me, but there was still a lot of whining about it.

The holidays came and went. Nothing really special happened. My mom and I were too broke to do much for Christmas, so we just had a nice dinner and watched TV together which was pleasant and (more importantly) normal. It was great to get closer to that status quo my coming out had shattered.

Liam got better, or at least stronger. Having him back to his old self was even better than my unexpected success in the pool. Even though he still liked to embarrass me and sometimes make me do things I didn’t want to do. In fact, as February got underway, he hatched a scheme that did both of those things at the same time.

“So, Aolani and I are going to the Valentine’s Day dance.”

“Well, duh,” I said, ignoring that part of me that wanted to throw a tantrum. “You two are a total item.”

“That’s true!” Liam was almost skipping along as he walked me to the bus that would take me to the next meet. “I am the man.”

“You are,” I agreed. “A short, skinny man.”

He stuck his tongue out at me. “So, now you need a date.”

“I think Rosy is shy about crowds.”

He laughed. “Do gay guys get to call their hands Rosy?”

“I’ll ask the cabal when we meet next.”

“So, who are we going to get you to go with? We’ve only got two weeks until the dance.”

I shook my head. “I thought I made it clear I’m not allowed on dance floors.”

“Doesn’t matter, you’re going.”

“Oh, you think so?” I gave him a little shove.

“I know so.”

I rolled my eyes. “I can’t even get Internet trolls to prey on me. I think dating is not in my future.”

I’d told him about the disaster with Hawaii. He had insisted on focusing on how great it was that I actually tried to go on something like a date. He was so impossible that way, always looking for the best in a situation.

“I’m not kidding about this, Justin,” Liam told me with a look that was so intense it made me worry. “You find a date or I’ll find one for you. I
will
start asking everyone here with testicles if I have to.”

I wished I could believe he was kidding. “Going to a dance with a guy will out me to the whole school.”

“So?”

“So, I want to live to see sixteen.”

“Dude, this isn’t like the Dark Ages or the nineties or something. A lot of people don’t care.”

Zach cared.
“Why is this so important to you?”

“Because it is. Now stop being a baby. You’re an athlete. Demand the virgin sacrifices that you’re due.”

“You’re completely nuts.”

“Maybe. But don’t think I won’t carry through on my threat.”

With those ominous words ringing in my ears, he told me to have a good race and that he’d meet me there. I watched him go, my teeth further mangling my thumbnail. I really didn’t like the idea of him asking every dude in school if they’d go out with me. But Liam was just ballsy (and insane) enough to do it.

“Dude, why do you hang with that loser?”

I hadn’t noticed Bailey come up to me. “Liam?” I glared at him, instantly furious. “He’s not a loser.” He flinched like he was getting ready for me to punch him. I sighed, realizing how angry I sounded. I was still working on my people skills. “Sorry. It’s just. If you knew him, you’d know he’s totally cool.”

“Really? He looks like a gang-banger.”

I actually managed to laugh, remembering how I’d thought the same thing when meeting Liam. “He does, but he’s not.”

Bailey fell into step with me, his hands in his pockets. “How’d you meet? I mean, you know, you don’t look like…. I mean you two don’t seem to fit.”

“That’s a long story. And it’s kind of funny. I’ll tell you sometime.”

Bailey…. Bailey really was a cute guy. I’d noticed that more and more. I’d also noticed that he never talked about girls. So I’d had my suspicions about him, and even some vague interest in acting on those suspicions. It was just that I liked to reserve those crazy ideas for the world of “someday.” That way, I wasn’t saying no but I wasn’t committing to anything that would wind up humiliating me.

But Liam’s threat had forced me to look at the idea more seriously. Bailey
was
cute. Sure, he was short and had braces and he had the same acne we teens are all plagued with, but he was still an attractive guy. Maybe….
Maybe
….

The very idea of asking him out made my stomach do somersaults. On top of the fact that it would out me, which was terrifying, there was also the really good chance he’d say no, which was worse.

Just ask him. That’s what Liam would do.

Liam…. This was all his fault. I shouldn’t have to jeopardize the tiny fraction of peace I’d built in my life. Things were fine now. Why did he want to throw a grenade into the apple cart? Why couldn’t we just leave things alone?

I had a lot of really good, solid rationalizations for why I should be staying home the night of the dance. What sucked was that I knew none of them would mean shit to Liam. He would go off and start asking random strangers to go with me.

I tried all through the meet to find the words (and the courage) to talk to Bailey. Each time I started to form a sentence though, it bogged down in my throat and refused to come out.

Would Liam accept total vocal paralysis as an excuse? Probably not.

“Bailey, can I talk to you a sec?” someone asked him after we got back from the competition—someone using my voice.

I’d come in third, which had been awful. But it was still better than most of the rest of the team. It really hurt us in the standings and it seriously demoralized us. That made me want to do this even less, but Liam’s threat could not be ignored.

“Sure!” He slung his backpack over his shoulder and followed me somewhere I hoped my humiliation would not be witnessed. “What’s up?”

“Um….”
I hate you, Liam
. “I was wondering….”
Why did you do this to me?
“I mean, I hope it’s cool to ask….”
This is such a nightmare.
“Are you g— Um, are you gay? Because I am, and uh, so I was wondering if—”
Kill me now!
  “You wanted to go to the dance with me?”

Bailey’s eyes widened. “Dude!”

Shit shit shit! I’m going to get you for this, Liam.
“Er, forget—”

“Dude, sorry, it’s cool. I just…. I was wondering if you were and now I know.”

I didn’t feel any better. “Is that…? Does that freak you out?”

“Freak me out? Dude, I’m so totally flattered. I’d so go with you, but I’m going with my boyfriend.”

I stared at him. Of all the responses I’d been prepared for, that wasn’t on my list. “Your...?”

Bailey nodded. “I would so go with you if I were single.”

The sting of rejection was muted by my relief that he was at least not pissed at me. “Well, uh, okay then.”

It wasn’t the worst response to my asking him out, all things considered. And he had said he would have gone out with me if he were single. So, once my heart started beating normally, I actually didn’t feel too bad about the situation. In fact, while I’d made a total hash of it, I was kind of proud of myself for taking the chance.

I still needed to pummel Liam for pushing me into this situation, though.

With Bailey no longer a possibility, I had no idea who else to ask. I didn’t know too many people at school—there were two thousand students and I was a freshman, after all. Aside from the rumors about Mr. Richards, the chemistry teacher, I didn’t know of any other gay people at school. Mr. Richards wasn’t my type, just in case that wasn’t obvious.

I told Liam about Bailey, which made him happy but did not get me out from under his threat. It just bought me some time before he became my own personal pimp. I made a brief attempt to argue with him again—brief because it was futile.

I was going to the dance. He wasn’t changing his mind.

It wasn’t that I didn’t
want
a date. If some cute guy asked me out, I’d say yes in a heartbeat. But having to be the one to ask? Having to track down the other gay guys at school? It was a huge task. And it was probably going to get me killed. Zach had proven to me that straight guys don’t much like being asked if they’re into dudes.

Chapter 20

W
E DID OUR BEST.
W
E
really did. It would have been easier if we had screwed up or slacked off or gotten lazy or something. Every single Frosh-Soft guy did his very best, though, and that made it harder to bear. When you know you gave it everything you had and the other teams were just better, well, it leaves you with an empty feeling.