Feeling Sorry for Celia (25 page)

Dear Elizabeth,

Which one is it, now?

Figure it out.

Society of Amateur Detectives

Dearest Lizzy,

Remember how I used to call you Lizard? Remember how we used to want to tread on lizards’ tails to see them shake free? And then we planned to catch them to watch their tails grow back, but they always slid away from us, underneath a rock?

I know we thought we had to do that to the lizards, because they needed to be trained so they’d know what to do if a bird attacked. But I guess it wasn’t very nice of us. I guess sometimes people do things that they think will be good for other people, but then it turns out they’re just being cruel.

Lizzy.

This is the hardest letter I ever had to write.

You are my best friend. You always were and always will be.

I miss you. Lizzy, remember how we used to play hopscotch and we drew the longest hopscotch in the world; we drew it all the way down the street and round the corner? Remember when your mum brought home the biggest box of chalk in the world and we thought: this will last FOREVER?

I feel as if I have lost you. You are a different person. It’s like you’ve disappeared. Ever since I got back from the circus, it’s like you’ve disappeared.

The Lizzy I used to know would have been so happy for me because I’ve finally found somebody I love. Saxon is like my dream boy, like my perfect match.

You brought him to me. You found him and you delivered him to me in Coffs Harbour. I was so grateful and happy.

But then something strange happened. You weren’t happy for me. You never asked me a single question about Saxon or about how I felt.

Maybe you thought you had to be cruel to me so I’d learn how to survive on my own. But maybe you were being too cruel, Lizzy? Maybe you just weren’t being fair?

I don’t know why I’m saying all this. Because I don’t want you to blame yourself. I want you to know you’ve always been my best friend in the world.

And I’ll always miss you.

But it’s not your fault. Please don’t believe it’s your fault.

It’s nobody’s fault – not my mum’s or my dad’s or my brother’s, not anyone’s.

It’s just that Saxon and I have made the decision that we have to make. Because our love is pure like snowflakes. We don’t want it to get muddy and grey. We can’t see how to live in this world because it’s such a vicious world, it’s such a dirty, grey, materialistic, unjust and savage world.

So we’re going away together.

I mean away for good. I mean tomorrow night we want to just hold hands and jump off the cliff at North Head, okay?

Lizzy, you are my best friend.

Goodbye, okay?

Love always,

Celia

Christina.

I don’t know what else to do except write to you.

What else can I do?

I don’t know. I can’t figure it out.

I think I might throw up.

Okay, I have to explain.

I’m in the hospital right now and I’m sitting by Celia, and she tried to kill herself.

God, I can’t explain the way I feel. It’s different to anything I ever felt before. It’s like someone took me by the shoulders and shook me and shook me. So I’m all bedraggled and weak.

Only at the same time, I feel poisoned. Like someone tipped a bottle of poison into my chest.

What happened? I don’t know.

I didn’t hear any thing from Celia for days, and I thought she and Saxon must have moved into a cave and were living happily ever after on roasted seaweed or something. Then suddenly I get this letter from Celia out of nowhere, this letter saying how I’m her best friend, but I’m not there for her any more, and now she and Saxon are going to jump off the cliffs at North Head.

God, I read this letter and I just started shaking.

What does she mean, I’m not there for her? I’ve been here all along. I’m always here, just waiting for her. I waited for her while she ran away to busk in Kiama, and when she tried to get a job as a jillaroo out at Coonabarabran, and when she – God, so many times. I waited for her when we were eight years old and she ran away to live in the broom closet at the back of our Year 2 classroom.
God, I’m so mad I could strangle her right now.

Only she’s so tiny and fragile I want to just gather her up into my arms and carry her far away to a safe place with down quilts and fireplaces, and bring her mugs of hot chocolate. I feel like if somebody tried to hurt her, even if somebody tweaked her hair, even if they pinched her arm, I’d put my hands around their throat and just squeeze until they were dead.

I have to calm down.

So I got the letter and I wanted to throw up. I never felt so sick with panic. Actually, the panic started after a moment – at first I just felt dead. I mean I thought she was dead. Then I realised it was that exact night that she wanted to jump and I went into the most intense panic ever.

I phoned Mum at work and they said she was in a meeting and I just hung up. Then I thought, my God, this is an emergency, so I phoned again and made them interrupt the bloody meeting. It was all slow motion, you know? Or like a slow-motion replay, because nothing seemed to happen until after I’d done it.

Then everyone was taking over, and calling the police, and Celia’s mum, and Saxon’s parents, and everyone was heading out to North Head, and it all moved so slowly that by the time we got there, they were heading up the hill and ready to jump off.

Like a film, you know, cutting-edge suspense.

The police moved super-fast then, crawling up the side of the hill like cockroaches, and one of them saying in this low voice, ‘Take it easy. Okay, guys. Take it easy.’

Celia and Saxon turned around with spotlights in their faces, dirty faces, small, frightened faces.

And Saxon just sat right down on the ground and burst into tears, like big sobbing tears. Celia was kind of half dragged down when he did that because their hands were held so tight, but she wrenched her hand away from his, and started running.

Then it got confused because police were shouting, ‘Calm down now. We’re not going to chase you’, Celia’s mother went pelting after Celia, and Saxon’s parents were jogging up the hill to throw themselves at their sobbing little son.

Somehow Celia ended up jumping.

Just jumping, just flying.

Only she had run down the embankment so she was closer to the water.

Wait a minute. A very weird thing just happened.

Play that over again, Elizabeth.

What did you just hear?

‘Don’t cry, Christina. She’ll be okay.’

‘Nick, don’t touch the lady’s flowers.’

Play it again, Elizabeth.

What did you just hear?

‘Don’t cry, Christina. She’ll be okay.’

‘Nick, don’t touch the lady’s flowers.’

With compliments,

The Instant Replay Society

Elizabeth,

Cut it out.

Stop eavesdropping and imagining.

Stop thinking of Christina.

Stop writing to Christina.

Stop it.

This is Celia beside you. Don’t you see her?

Best Friends Club

Elizabeth,

Okay, you want to hear it again? ‘

Don’t cry, Christina. She’ll be okay.’

‘Nick, don’t touch the lady’s flowers.’

With compliments, etc.

MESSAGE FOR CHRISTINA KRATOVAC: WARD E, 11th FLOOR.

Is this Christina Kratovac of Brookfield High?

If not, I am very sorry, and please throw this note away.

If it is, I’m sorry to disturb you. I heard people walk along the corridor, talking, and it kind of sounded like your family, and I asked a nurse if there were any Kratovacs around, and she said yes, someone just came in, and they’re in Ward E, 11th floor.

I’ve been trying to decide for over an hour if I should disturb you.

I just want to make sure you’re okay.

I don’t know if a nurse will deliver this to you or not.

I’m in Ward D, 7th floor.

Elizabeth.

Elizabeth,

Jesus. I can’t believe you’re here. Why are you here? Are you sick? Oh God, everything’s awful. Are you okay?

I’m terrified.

It’s my sister, Renee. Her appendix burst. They say it’s ‘touch and go’.

It can’t be true.

I’m going to get my brother Nick to bring this to you. He’ll wait if you want to write back.

I want to make sure you’re okay too.

Love,

Christina

Christina,

God, you poor thing.

She’ll be okay. I’m sure she’ll be okay.

I’m okay. Don’t worry about me. I’m here because Celia tried to. I’m sorry, I can’t write that. She jumped off a cliff.

She’s okay. She’s not hurt. Just feverish. She was already sick, see.

She’ll be okay.

Are you okay?

Elizabeth

No. Not really.

Jesus, Elizabeth, it’s my fault.

It’s my fault.

I was babysitting. Renee said she felt sick. I put her to bed with an ice-cream container to throw up in.

What was I thinking?

Christina