Fighting to Stay (Fighting Madly Book 2) (9 page)

I flip down the visor and glimpse at my reflection, and for the millionth time I play with my messy ponytail on the top of my head, trying to get the look just right. My blonde roots are staring back at me, but I stop myself from thinking about anything else before all my insecurities come shining through.

Reed may be many things, and being early has always been one of them. He’s sitting inside waiting for me, and I’m putting off the inevitable, not stepping out of the safety my car offers me. A thousand excuses pass through my mind, and one after the other, they all sound like valid excuses to cancel on him. But knowing Reed, he would see through my bullshit and question all of them.

I take a final look and slap my visor closed before I pull the key out of the ignition. I take my lead filled legs and approach the door, keeping my fingers crossed the entire way that he doesn’t sense the earthquake inside of me.

The bell above the door rings as I enter, and I immediately spot him hidden in the corner. A red hat proudly sits on his head and a tight black shirt shows off his muscles and the tattoos I love. Sneaky ass is pulling out all the big guns for this meeting.

I navigate through the tables to the counter and order a plain coffee—simple, black coffee—and I avoid any looks from or to Reed while I wait for what feels like hours, but I know it’s only minutes, if not seconds. I don’t want to wait. Waiting fills my mind with crazy ideas, like running out like a chicken with its head cut off, and sending Reed a text on the way out the door that I’m having an uncontrolled bowel movement since that’s one he won’t second guess. Because no one ever does.

It’s now or never as the waitress hands me my coffee. I walk calmly over to Reed, and I jerk the seat out in front him. He lifts his head and his hazel eyes light me on fire when he looks at me. I carefully and gradually sit down, laying my purse on the tabletop. The longer he penetrates me with his stare, the better that text idea is sounding. It probably wouldn’t work now.

“Hey, Reed. Sorry you had to wait,” I say, as my guts quiver from my stupid nerves.

“That’s okay. Thanks for meeting me,” he says quietly, giving me only a half-shrug and not one ounce of a smile on that face I love.

“No problem. I figured we need to get to common ground so it’s not strange when we’re with our friends.” I start to pick at my nails but I stop when Reed takes a drink of his coffee, making a funny face as soon as he swallows. “I guess you didn’t start liking coffee, did you?”

“Nope, but I’m at a coffee shop, figured you needed coffee to sit,” he states, his hands almost reaching for mine before he pulls them back, putting them together on the table.

“You didn’t have to say yes. We could have met somewhere else.”

“It’s not that big of a deal…” His tongue darts out, wetting his lips. “I wanted to tell you everything.”

I tap one finger on the table and clear my throat. “Reed, I don’t need your truths anymore, really. Maybe I needed it months ago, but not now. And if we talk about it, it’s going to make this thing go backwards, and I don’t want that. We need to move forward.” I lock eyes with his and with one hundred percent honesty, I continue. “Because if you tell me friendship won’t be possible…”

He takes a deep breath, his expression one of pain, as if I’d just taken a knife and stabbed him in the chest. “Is that the only thing we can have?” he asks, tilting his head toward me.

“Yes. Even if I wanted you back, or well—anyone else in my life, I can’t. I have to learn to love myself—I mean really love
me
before I dip my toes back into another relationship. It’s friendship or nothing, but I’m leaving that option up to you.” It’s out there. All out there. Now all he has to do is answer.

“I just don’t want you to hate me, Hads.”

I sag against the chair. “I don’t hate you. I think I did for a while at least, but not anymore. I can’t hate you. I’m as much at fault about our past as you are.” Because I am. I didn’t want the nasty things to touch us. I only ever wanted the spotless, beautiful things between us, and when the bad touched the tiniest piece of us, it tarnished everything, and from there, it all fell apart.

“No, Hadley, you aren’t. It was me.”

“Can we put a pin in this, or maybe x it out, so it doesn’t have to be talked about again?”

We stay silent, both avoiding each other’s looks as I pick at my cup’s top. I’m going right in my life but this heart in me wants to go left, back in the circle called Reed.

Reed pulls my coffee from of my hand, seeking my attention out. “So I guess we can try this friendship thing out.”

“Okay.” Pin in place, marked off the list, we have it. That’s what I need, to be able to see him, talk to him without wondering if he thinks something will come out of it.

After a couple of long seconds, he asks, “How was Columbia?”

“It was amazing, life changing, for sure. I saw you got yourself another belt.”

We can do the small talk.

We are doing it.

This is okay.

Reed releases a long and low sigh. “I did. Glad you watched it. My next one is scheduled for September. You should come and see it.” His voice lacks the normal energy he normally had when he talked about his fighting. He may have won, but something is defeating him. And I’m a huge part of that.

“Maybe.” Knowing seeing him fight isn’t going to happen yet, I veer the topic to another place. “How’s Loki? Lucy is missing him. My dad said she was sad the whole time I was gone.”

“Loki’s good.” Before we can talk any more, both our phones go off at the same time. I glance down at mine and two words make me face him with a smile so big.

BABY TIME!!!!

“She is the cutest little girl, isn’t she, James?” I ask as he unlocks his door to his house. Gracie graced us with her presence a little after midnight, and I can’t believe just how perfect she is. I’m already planning on playing matchmaker with her and Jadon.

“That little girl is going to be so spoiled. Did you see how Lance wouldn’t put her down?”

“I did. It was like she melted his iced heart. He has changed so damn much. Years ago, he would have ran from a baby. Now he growls when someone tries to hold her.”

I move to his kitchen, grab two beers for us, and drop down on the sofa. Even though I’m unbelievably happy for Courtney, I long for mine that I never got to see. Reed holding Gracie there in the hospital made the visions of my baby clear in my head. He was looking down, laughing, and in awe of her when she let out a wail, not the least bit frighten by it. It was like he’s done it before, but I guess he has with Krystal.

A question hits me, a question I don’t know why I didn’t think about until now. I wonder, since Crotch Rot is in jail, what or where is the baby? Does Reed even know where he or she is? James lets out a sigh, breaking me from the train that crashes in my mind every time I think of her or Bennett or the baby, or all of them.

“Are you all right?”

“Yeah, it’s just confusing because I’m so glad Gracie is here, really I am. But…”

“But you wished you could have that.”

I nod as my eyes start to water. “Why do you always know what I’m thinking?”

He looks over at me and my eyes lock with his. James places a hand on my cheek. The softness of his palms opposed to Reed’s hard, callused hands feels wrong, but as he swipes away the tears before they even have a chance to fall, I don’t pull away. Not even thinking about moving myself away from his touch.

“Because I know you,” James says softly, his thumb trailing over my lips, lightly tracing their outline. His eyes drift down to where we are connected.

“It wasn’t even that, Reed there, holding that baby. Geez, that’s enough for any woman, but put in someone you love and it does crazy things to your insides.”

I don’t know if it’s my emotions of the day, the yearning of physical contact from another, or hell, the mixture of both, but I inch my face closer to his. His hand never leaves me as he guides me closer. Our lips faintly touch. James makes no movement to go further, but I press our lips harder together. My tongue opens his mouth, calling for his. With each touch between us, with each kiss, I crave to feel something more for him, I hunger for the passion that’s missing for this amazing man, so I try franticly to push more.

I shift my legs over, straddling him, and I slide my hands around his neck. He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me tighter against him. James’s hand drifts under my shirt, his fingers grazing under my bra. I grind my body over his, and it sparks a moan into my mouth.

I tighten my hold on him as he flips me down on the couch. My hands fly to the hem of his shirt and rip it over his head. His bare chest is exposed, his lean body on display for me. He looks down at me for a split second before he attacks my mouth once more while his hand works the button on my jeans.

I push my legs deeper into him, yet the neediness I had with Reed just isn’t there. I want the enthusiasm, the desire with James. But it’s not there, and it doesn’t help.

Nothing happens to me. Nothing burns through me, telling me to go further.

Everything screams at me to stop, to say no, that if we continue this, our friendship will be different, but those screams aren’t enough to stop. I push the rational thoughts out as I push deeper into him. I want something more from James. I want this kiss to produce things between us so I can just stop loving Reed.

James feels me check out and breaks his lips away from mine. “Hadley.”

My name, one word he says out of breath, jolts me back to reality and pours cold water on me. “I’m sorry, JJ. I shouldn’t have done that.” I’m suddenly, completely self-conscious.

“Not you. I should have stopped it, Hads.” He climbs off me and grabs his shirt from the floor.

I stare at his bare back, the one that has not a speck of ink on it and feel like I cheated somehow. “I wish it could be you.” And I do. James is perfect.

“But we both know it’s not for the right reasons.”

“We would be simple together; it would be safe.” And it would, although it wouldn’t be an all-consuming love. No, it would be the nice, plain, secure love. The type that if they walk away, or lie, or cheat, you come out still whole, your heart intact. It’s safe. The bet you won’t lose anything on because there is really nothing to gain.

“And maybe if Reed wasn’t here.” He points at my heart. “But he is, and this isn’t right. You would be bored with me because we would be
too
easy together. You deserve someone that would give you what you need, to show you what you are truly worth, to push you when you fight them, and I’m not that person. I can’t give you that.”

I curl into his couch, my head collapsing on his back. “I knew I would always love him, but I thought I could get over him. I thought that if I left, I wouldn’t want him anymore. James, my mind is always going, always searching, because it knows that what’s best for me as a whole is completely and hopelessly wrong for my stupid heart,” I say as my tears fall.

“Hads, love doesn’t work like that. It’s messy. What’s missing in you won’t be found in me.”

I know love doesn’t work that way, it never does. Loving someone and building a life with them doesn’t always work out. Those plans can fall apart to the ground, and promises can always be broken. You can waste all the time in the world knowing what went wrong, but never ever be able to fix it. And that’s exactly what our love did. Fucking thing sizzled between Reed and me and we both touched it and got burned.