Fill Me (28 page)

He offers a tiny smile. He must be relieved I'm not insisting he keep the ring. But why? If he's really dead set on breaking up, he should take it back.

That's more than something.

He turns the cover, his eyes passing over the first page. My stomach twists in knots.

"Don't read it yet," I say. "Please."

He nods, closing the cover. "Okay."

I take a deep breath, breaking up the tension in my chest. "I, uh, I made some plans. For this weekend. I know you made yourself clear in Hawaii. And maybe that whole thing about making me happy was sparing my feelings, but..." My head spins. God damn. It really is bright in here. "Just, well, if you change your mind. If you decide you want to be with me, then meet me at the marina at eleven a.m."

He laughs. "Bright and early at eleven a.m.?"

I nod.

He meets my gaze. His eyes are still so gorgeous, so big and brown and full of life. A long silence passes. Staring into each other's eyes is all the answer we need.

"Okay," he says.

A lightness floods my body.

This really might turn out okay.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Luke

I hug Alyssa good-bye, doing my best not to hold her too tightly.

It takes all of my strength to shut the door behind her, to stay put instead of dragging her to bed and holding her all fucking day.

I flip through the pages of the notebook. Every one starts the same--Dear Luke. There must be two dozen letters in here.

My stomach flip flops. It's entirely possible every one of these letters come to the same conclusion--that they are all "fuck you, asshole," but I have to read them.

There's a message scribbled on the inside of the cover:

Here you go, Luke. Exactly what you asked for. This is every thought in my damn brain, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's really, really damn ugly, but it's not like I've got anything to lose.

I pore over the pages. This is everything Alyssa's kept locked inside her for so long, and she's sharing it with me.

Dear Luke,

God, I don't know where to start. I don't know if I want to hit your or kiss you or take Laurie up on her offer to have you killed. I don't know which would be more painful--living without you in my life at all or watching you move on with someone else. I don't even know how I'm going to get through today.

I hate you so much right now. Haven't you ever heard the phrase "you have to be cruel to be kind"? A.K.A. you don't dump a girl in paradise then sweetly offer to make sure she's okay. That's a coward's way out.

I'm sure you meant that you want to be friends, but we both know what a shitty offer that is. Don't throw some piece of shit consolation prize at me and act like it's amazing.

It's awful.

Dear Luke,

Speaking of awful. Those last three months, huh? I'm still not sure what happened, why I wasn't strong enough to reach out to you, what it is that made you give up on me. I know, you claim otherwise, but the evidence is clear.

Things were hard. We were far apart. I needed you, but you were done dealing with my bullshit. It's not like I blame you. I'd do the same thing in your place. I don't mean to be so distant, so difficult. I really want to let you in. Hell, this is some sad attempt to do that. It's really more of a promise than anything, proof that I'm willing to try.

I was sure you were going to end things in New York, that you were waiting until after my show. You're so polite in my head, aren't you?

I wasn't all that wrong. You ended things shortly after my show. Was that your plan all along? If so, maybe skip the romantic vacation next time. I'd appreciate that. Or some other woman will appreciate it. I can't stomach the thought.

Dear Luke,

Here's the truth. I wanted Ryan to be right. Part of me did. He came to me all apologetic, but he was still Ryan. You know how he is. He's in control to the point where you don't know what he's getting at, but you know it's something. I still don't know what he wanted out of that conversation. Maybe he did want to make amends. Maybe he wanted revenge. I did cheat on him and I did lie to him, and part of me still hates myself for it.

Part of me thinks we're better off starting over. I'm less broken than I was a year ago. Maybe you are too. Maybe it would be easier with other people.

But I don't want that. I don't want easy. I want you.

Ryan didn't even put the idea in my head. I was already thinking it, that you weren't willing to be patient with me, that you're too damn romantic to deal with the day-to-day bullshit of all my baggage. I should have talked to you about it a long time ago. I should have gotten back in therapy, stayed more vigilant about all my recovery work (don't worry. I haven't veered towards a relapse). I should have done a lot.

But it's better late than never.

I want to be with you, Luke. You make me happy. Maybe you don't see it, but you do. Sure, when things are off with us, I'm miserable. But I can't have the highs without the lows. Everyone gets mad. Every couple gets into fights.

I'm tired of running from it. I don't want to keep running from what I feel. Every time I make progress, I stumble backwards. But I can't have you living and dying by how well I'm functioning. If you don't want to be with me because you're sure I'm too much work, then fine. But don't bullshit me about how it's because I don't love you the way you love me.

That's a lie, and it's a cheap one. I love you so much. Like I've never loved anyone. You're better than a perfect cup of coffee and a "bullshit English major novel" on my Kindle. Hell, you're better than just about anything I can think of.

So fuck you for trying to squirm out of this breakup. But I forgive you for it.

Because I really do love you, and I really do want to marry you, and I really want to do whatever I can to make this work.

Please let me do what it takes.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

Alyssa

Laurie folds her arms and takes a long sip of her coffee. She nods like she's confident, but she's not fooling me. She's a nervous wreck.

She looks at the clock. It's almost ten. "Why did you give him so much time to think, anyway?"

"It seemed fair," I say.

She sets her coffee cup on the counter and paces around the kitchen. "This is a ridiculous one-eighty, Alyssa. Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"I'm positive." I run my fingers along the engagement ring. Pretty sure. At least eighty percent.

"It's rather dramatic for you."

"I could use some dramatics."

"Are you really going to drive yourself to the marina? Shouldn't you take a limo or something?" Laurie stops at the counter. She pushes against it, turning back to me. She shakes her head. "It's stupid. He lives like five minutes from here. Why are you going ten miles south?"

"Because that's where we..." I can't explain it exactly. It's not the first place we kissed--that was at his old house. Or where we met--at the office he used to share with Ryan. It's not even where we had our first kind of but not really a date thing.

I want to say that's where we fell in love, but that's not quite right either.

It's where... it's where I found him lying on the grass, reading a dog-eared paperback. It was the paperback that got me. It was falling apart, like he'd read it a hundred times but still wanted more.

It was our secret place to meet. Where we'd hide in plain sight. And it was like he was there every time I wanted to see him. Like he could read my mind.

"It's important," I say. I gather my purse, doing a mental check. I have everything I need for this. And it's warm enough that I shouldn't need a coat.

"You can't leave yet," Laurie says.

"Cause you'll miss me?"

"What if he doesn't show? Are you really going to wait alone?"

I bite my lip. It's not like I've been replaying that possibility in my head all week, imagining myself standing at the marina like an idiot, waiting until the sun sets.

"How about you call at noon? If I don't pick up--"

"Assume you're having crazy hot sex?"

I laugh, and a bit of my tension releases. "Exactly."

Laurie looks at me like I'm her kid sister. "I'm so fucking worried about you."

"Whatever happens, I'll be okay."

She nods, and wraps me in a hug. I repeat the mantra in my head. Whatever happens, I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

***

It's ten forty-five when I finally set foot on the concrete path surrounding the marina. Maybe Laurie was right, and this is all melodramatic, and I should have just called Luke and demanded some response to my heartfelt confession.

It's still possible he won't show.

It's unlikely. He's so damn polite. If he wasn't going to show, he would have called me, texted me, sent me a damn messenger pigeon--something to let me down easy.

I make my way to the oversized tree behind our old apartment complex. For a while, we both lived here. I lived with Ryan. Luke was renting a condo so he wouldn't have to stay in the house he'd shared with his ex.

It was all terribly complicated.

But this spot is where I found him with that book. He was waiting for me. I'm sure of it.

He'd arranged the whole thing perfectly. He was wearing only running shorts and he was splayed over the grass so casually, like he was waiting for someone to come along and mount him.

I press my hand into the tree. It's smooth and hard, like it can withstand anything.

It's bright already, and I'm certain that everything around me is spinning. I lean against the tree, squinting my eyes to block out the sun.

Whatever happens, I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

I'm sure I'll be okay.

There are footsteps behind me. They're steady and determined. I tell myself it's nothing. It's still too early to get excited.

"I didn't think you'd move on so quickly."

Oh God, what if he's here to ask for the ring back, to tell me how pathetic I am, to tell me he's so glad he broke up with me.

Everything is spinning around me. I open my eyes and turn around.

He's standing there on the grass, in a black suit. He looks damn good with his hair slicked back. His eyes are wide, bright, full of that life I haven't seen in so damn long.

He's wearing a suit. It's not like he'd wear a suit to give me a brush-off.

It's not like he'd wear a suit to break my heart.

My mouth is dry. I try to open it to speak, but nothing comes out.

"I'll take that as hello," he says. His voice is smooth, calm. But there's a hint of joy there.

It's a good sign.

"Did you, um..." My legs are shaking, but I hold on to the tree to stay upright.

I buckle. Luke swoops in, catching me before I can hit the ground. His hands are on my waist. They're so soft, so gentle.

I bring my eyes back to his. "Did you... Did you read everything?" Deep breath.

He nods. "Every word."

He helps me to my feet, but his hands stay firmly on my waist.

That's a really fucking good sign.

"And...?"

"It's everything I wanted."

My legs buckle again, but he squeezes me tighter, pressing my body against his.

It's not like he'd be holding me if he was about to dump me.

His eyes are so big and full of life. Like always.

I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. "I want to make this work. No matter how hard it is."

His hand finds my lower back and he presses my body into his. I close my eyes, rising onto my tiptoes and tilting my chin to meet him.

Our lips connect and it's the sweetest, softest kiss we've ever shared. Everything is in this kiss--everything we've finally managed to say, every bit of hurt, of joy, of need, of love.

The kiss breaks and he looks into my eyes. "I want to be with you. Even if you're scared. Even if you'll never be ready to marry me."

I take a deep breath, squeezing him to keep from crumbling. "Then prepare to be pleasantly surprised."

I reach into my purse for the ring box, and attempt to lower myself to one knee. I only barely manage not to fall over, but I do.

I take Luke's hand and look into his eyes. That's the man I want to be with forever. I've never been more sure of anything.

"I know this is a little nontraditional," I say.

He nods.

I peel open the ring box, displaying it for him. It's a men's wedding band. Simple. White gold. Exactly the kind of thing he'd pick for himself.

"I've done a lot of thinking, and I realized that there's no one I'd rather share my life with. Luke, you fill me with so much. It's not just happiness. It's laughter, excitement, passion. Hell, you fill me with this renewed will to make every day better than the one before. To try as hard as I can to stay recovered. To be a better version of myself." I stare up into those gorgeous eyes of his and squeeze his hand tightly. "I would be honored if you would marry me."

He smiles. "Ally, you know that's what I want."

"That's not exactly a yes."

"Yes." he says.

I slide the ring onto his finger. He laughs, and pulls me back to my feet. His hands slide around my waist and he pulls me close, so close I can barely breathe.

We kiss, and everything else fades away. We have each other and that's what matters.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX