Finding Bliss (27 page)

“Oh, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that.”

“Just let Vivian do it for you. I’ll call her and let her know, okay? You don’t have to do a thing.”

“When will I be able to see the pictures?”

“As soon as you check your e-mail. They should be right in the e-mail message and if you need help, we’ll get you some.”

“All right. I’m so excited to see him.”

“He came a few weeks early, and he’s in the infant intensive care unit, so don’t be alarmed by all of the tubes on him. He just needs a little extra help for about a week, but he’s going to be fine.”

“He’s in good hands,” she said.

“Yes, he is. I love you, Mom. I’ll call you later.” I handed Tyler’s phone back to him.

He placed it in his pocket and grabbed his jacket off the back of a chair. “I’m going to go over to the house and have the door fixed. What can I bring you?”

I hated relying on him, but was very grateful he was being attentive. “If you could grab my phone, my phone charger, and the suitcase next to the closet. I had packed up some hospital stuff a couple weeks ago. Oh, and my laptop; it’s in the kitchen.”

He nodded. “Do you want a sandwich or something?”

“Sure, whatever’s easiest.”

After Tyler left, I slept. The nurses came in to check my vitals periodically, but I was mostly alone until Tyler returned with my things.

“My mom sends her love,” he said as he placed my belongings on the table next to me. I smiled and thanked him.

Just then a nurse walked in with two dozen yellow roses in a rectangular glass vase. Tyler took them from her, set them on the windowsill, and handed me the card, which I read to myself.

A mother like no other. Love, Cam.

I smiled. Rachel must have called him.

Tyler was staring at me, wondering who had sent them.

“They’re from Cam,” I said. Tyler’s eyes narrowed, but he made no comment.

Tyler came every day and spent several hours with Connor and me. As comforting as it was, pretending to play happy family and acting as though we belonged in a Norman Rockwell painting was a little awkward. But I was physically weak and my hormones had reached new heights, leaving me little energy to consider doing anything other than play along.

I was discharged five days later. Connor would be there another week before getting the green light.

T
yler and I picked our son up from the hospital two weeks before he was even supposed to be born. His nanny, Felicia, started as soon as he came home, allowing me some extra time to recover. Tyler came by after work every few days, bringing dinner and any other things I needed from the store. It wasn’t meant to be a long-term solution, but I couldn’t think beyond the day to day at that time. One night during Connor’s second week home, Tyler was accompanied by his mother and his siblings.

Dixie gasped with delight as she leaned over the crib. “He is precious. Just precious,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief. “We’re going to need to schedule his baptism as soon as possible. I’ll call my parish in the morning.”

“That’s not necessary. I’ll take care of it,” I said.

“You’re going to call the parish?”

“I’m not going to use your parish. We’re going to have him baptized at Saint Francis.”

Dixie studied my face and made no further comment. I diverted the focus back to Connor. “Who wants to hold him?”

Sammy and Sarah deferred to their mother, so I lifted my sleeping baby out of the crib and handed him to Dixie. She sat in the rocker and sang to him for about three minutes until he woke up screaming. It was mostly a drama-free visit because my mother-in-law kept her attention on the baby—and off my shortcomings.
Once everyone left, I gave Connor a bath, fed him, and rocked him back to sleep.

Tyler was waiting for me in the kitchen when I came downstairs, so I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and joined him at the breakfast table. Empty bottles were drying on a rack next to the sink, and there were three cases of formula on the island along with other groceries that needed to be put away. There was so much to do, but I could tell he needed to get something off his chest.

“Do you want something to drink?” I offered.

“No, thanks.”

“I can make some coffee if you want.”

“I’m good,” he said. “Is Connor asleep?”

I nodded.

“We need to talk,” he said.

I nodded again.

Tyler placed his hands on the table, and we sat in silence for a couple of minutes.

“I guess I should start,” he said and released a deep breath through his nose. “First and foremost, I don’t know if an apology is even the right thing to do again at this point, or if it would help repair what I’ve done to us, but I am sorry for putting us both through all this pain. More than I can express.”

“Try,” I said.

“I know I screwed up bad. Looking back, I…I really don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, I wasn’t thinking. I’ve been losing sleep for weeks trying to figure out a way to explain myself to you and explain why I did what I did, but it all sounds so meaningless. I guess I was frustrated with everything that was going on with the IVF, and you were always angry with me about something. I thought once you got pregnant, you’d be happy and things would get better, but it only got worse.”

I leaned back and crossed my arms. “Please don’t put this on me. When the going got tough, you bailed. Own up to it. Don’t act like my behavior was the reason for this. I may not be perfect, but I loved you like no one else, and I have
never
failed you in hard times. You don’t get to shirk your responsibilities here. If you behaved like a pathetic, spineless, uncaring fool—even for a moment—then have the decency to acknowledge that. Don’t act like I should feel sorry for what you were going through.”

“I’m not blaming you or asking you to sympathize with me.”

“That’s sure what it sounds like.”

“Jesus, I’m trying to give you some indication why I might have done what I did. Isn’t that what you’ve been asking me for? I don’t have an explanation, and even if I did, there’s no excuse. That being said, I love you, and I want to make this marriage work. I know I fucked up, but I also know that if you can forgive me, we can get through this together. It’s the best thing for Connor, you know it is.”

Tears sprang to my eyes at the mention of Connor’s name. My poor sweet little guy, swaddled away in his bedroom, had never asked for this. He deserved to grow up in a house with two loving parents and a swing set in the yard. That had been my plan for him, and now I was going to have to explain how everything went wrong.

“I’m so sorry,” Tyler said again when he saw my face.

I took a deep breath. I had so many questions, like how could he have done this? Why did he let it go on for so long? He said he never meant to hurt me, but did he think of my feelings at all during that time? Was he ever in love with that woman? But in that moment I realized there was nothing Tyler could say that was going to make it better. He’d broken my trust and my heart in one fell swoop. What words could he possibly muster to make things better?

“It’s easy for you to bring Connor into this now, but you should’ve been thinking of him all along, and you weren’t. Even if I
wanted to, I’m not sure I know how to forgive you or how to move on. I can’t imagine ever forgetting those texts she sent you or erasing the image in my head of you touching another woman.”

Tyler ran his hands through his hair. “Don’t say that. I know we can get past this. I have no interest in being with anyone but you. Ever. This whole fucked up mistake shouldn’t be the reason for us to get divorced. She meant nothing to me. I was an idiot. I love you and Connor so much. Please let me make this up to both of you.”

I began to cry. He’d said the same things so many times that they were just words at that point, devoid of any meaning. “I love you, too, Tyler, you know that. You’ve always known that, but I just don’t think I can get past it. Not now anyway. I need more time, and I need to be left alone.”

“What about the baby?”

“I’m not saying you can’t see the baby, but you just coming and going as you please and trying to play house isn’t working for me. It’s too much. I’m not ready.”

Tyler stood. He was frustrated, and I couldn’t blame him, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel sorry for him. I didn’t trust him anymore. How could I crawl into bed with him and give myself fully again to someone I didn’t trust?

The next morning when Felicia arrived, I went to Target to pick up some diapers and pajamas for Connor. I skipped through the aisles and headed straight for the baby section. I slowly pushed the cart past rows of bath toys, stuffed animals, onesies, lotions, tearless shampoo, burp cloths, and more. It was heaven to me. I’d tried to join the Mommy Club for so long, and now I was in. I could now be part of conversations about sleepless nights, pee-stained blouses, and fussy eaters. Other mothers could look to me for my infinite wisdom on soy-based formulas and a cure for cradle cap.

Wasn’t that all I had ever wanted? To have a child of my own. Maybe it was too much to ask to be in love as well.

I glanced around and saw only four other women in the baby aisles. None of them had their husbands with them, but it was nine o’clock on a Tuesday morning. I filled my cart with more than I needed, headed home, and decided to call Cam.

“Hey you,” I said when he answered. It’d been the first time I’d talked to him since my life had been turned upside down by Connor’s unexpected arrival.

“How’s mommy life?”

“Pretty fantastic,” I said. “And a full-time nanny doesn’t suck either.”

“When do you go back to work?”

“In a couple months, but I have a ton of work to do from home. The e-mails and voice mails haven’t stopped just because Connor decided he was ready to make his debut ahead of schedule.”

“Can I come meet him? I was looking at flights for next week.”

“Of course, we would love that. In fact, I have a favor to ask while you’re here.”

“You name it.”

“I’d like you to be Connor’s godfather. His baptism is next Friday.”

Cam cleared his throat. “Does that mean I have to raise the kid if you die in a fiery car crash?”

“You did not just say that.”

He chuckled. “I would be honored.”

“You’re a shit.”

“Hey, that’s your son’s godfather you’re talking to,” he said. “Who’s my god-spouse?”

“Grace.”

“And what’s going on with Tyler?”

“I can fill you in when you get here, but not much has changed…with him anyway. He’s been coming over a lot and been really helpful, but I haven’t taken him back.”

“Sounds weird,” Cam said.

“It is.”

C
am arrived the following week and took his place at the Saint Francis altar next to Grace during Connor’s baptism. My mother had decided to fly in as well, so Cam got himself a hotel room in the city. During her short stay with me, she mentioned that there was a man named Ricardo whom she’d met in her building and was going to marry. He hadn’t proposed yet, but she assured me there would be a wedding within the next few months. When I called Vivian to find out more about him, she told me he was the doorman and never said anything more than “good morning” to my mother or anyone else. But Mom seemed happier than ever, so I went along with her fantasies. I was delighted to have her around, if only for a couple of days.

It was a motley crew, what with my mother and Dixie Reed in the front row of the church and my estranged husband by my side. But sitting there, staring at my son being held by my two closest friends, I was truly at peace.

Afterward, I had everyone over to the house for lunch. My mom insisted on staying upstairs with the baby. She said there were too many people around, and he was certain to catch something. Rather than argue with her, I let her spend the day with her grandson because she was leaving for Florida the next morning. Anyone who wanted to see the baby had to douse him or herself with hand sanitizer to get past her.

When everyone left, there was little I could do to hide the fact that Tyler was among the departing guests. My mom gave me a curious look as he said good-bye to her and left the house.

“What’s going on?” my mother asked me. “Why is Tyler leaving?”

I scratched my head and sighed. “Tyler and I are separated.”

She shook her head, deeply confused, but said nothing.

“I should’ve told you before, but I wasn’t sure what was going to happen between us, and I didn’t want to worry you.”

My mom took a seat at the kitchen table and cast her eyes downward. “Chloe, I know you think I can’t handle a lot of things, but you’re wrong. You are my daughter, and I deserve to know when you’re going through something.”

“I know, thanks, Mom,” I said and sat next to her.

She lifted her chin and looked into my eyes. “What happened?”

The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I needed a moment before I could utter them. “He cheated on me,” I said. “When I was just a few months pregnant. He hasn’t lived here since I found out.”

Mom placed her hands in her lap and sat back in the chair. “You know I’ve been through the same thing?”

“Yes, I know.”

“It’s very painful.”

I nodded.

“Is he still with this other woman?” she asked.

“No, he’s not. He’s apologized many times, and would like to come home and try to work things out, but I can’t seem to get over it. It’s all I think of every time I look at him,” I said.

She stared at me with a severe look in her eyes. “If I’d been given the choice, I would’ve taken your father back,” she said before grabbing her cigarettes and heading outside.

I sat in silence, stunned not by what she said, but how she’d said it. With that one statement, that one confession, she was telling
me what to do. She would’ve gone back to my father after he humiliated her, because she was weak and insecure and codependent…and nothing like me.

I drove her to the airport the next morning, taking a thirty-minute detour just in case there were any agents who were tracking her departure. When I gave her a hug good-bye, I realized I was really sad to let her go.