Finding Ever After (41 page)

           
I’d hoped in the morning it would hurt less, that it would be easier for me to
accept that it was the right thing. Two people so damaged didn’t belong
together. My hope was in vain though. I spent another day holed up in bed with
a box of tissue, hating every character in every movie who got their happily
ever after. I prayed for God to take the pain away, but I knew there was no
instant cure.

           
The rest of my weekend looked the same. Then Monday came around and I was
forced to shower and go back to work. Shane was recovering rapidly, able to go
home from the hospital and repairs were starting on my house. I gave in and let
the crew my dad hired take care of it since they kept calling.

           
I didn’t see or hear from Kyden once during the week. Saturday I went over to
Shane’s to have dinner with them. I felt bad for staying away, and as much as I
tried not to show how depressed I was, he and Lucy could still see it. They did
the one thing that ensured I wouldn’t be able to wallow in it though. They
insisted Izzy have a sleepover with Auntie Jaxy. She was thrilled and there was
no way I could say no to her cute face, so she spent the night with me at Bas
and
Lissa’s
.

           
The next afternoon Spade and Ace showed up to take the two of us to lunch and
then the latest Disney movie. They were amazing, all of my friends were. They
tried to keep me busy and distracted. No one mentioned Kyden, but still I was
miserable.

           
Monday came again and crawled by at a snail’s pace. If it was possible Tuesday
was even slower. All week I woke up, went to work, and then I went back to Bas’
apartment and shut myself in what had become my room. Occasionally I emerged to
hang out with Bas and Lissa, or the others when they stopped by. When I was
alone I turned on my lovesick playlist and lost myself in the lives of the
characters in the novels on my e-reader and wished that all of my problems
could be wrapped up in a matter of a few chapters.

           
On Friday I had to be at my house to check on the progress and pick out paint
and new fixtures for the kitchen. Mark called me every day to fill me in on
what they accomplished and to ask any questions they had for me. From the
sounds of it, things were going smoothly and I would be back in my house
sometime next week. I couldn’t wait to be back in my own space. They would
never say it, but it had to be a burden for Bas and Lissa to have me moping
around their apartment every day.

           
Vi
picked me up early from work so she could give me a
ride to my house. My dad had called to inform me that someone tipped Connor off
and he’d disappeared, so I still had to have an escort everywhere I went.

           
When I got in her car, I could tell something was up. She avoided looking at me
and on the drive she tried to make meaningless small talk which wasn’t like
her. I didn’t have it in me to go along with it, so I only answered her with
one word responses until she gave up and finally said what she really needed
to.

           
“So, there’s a party at the guys’ house tonight.”

           
“I don’t want to go so you can save your breath.” I still wasn’t ready to face
him. He hadn’t so much as sent a text message to see how I was. I didn’t want
to spend the night watching girls throw themselves at him. I’d rather stay home
and scrub every inch of the apartment with a toothbrush, than watch that.

           
“I know, and I wouldn’t even bring it up, except that the guys, well Chris, Ace
and Spade, really want you there. It’s kind of a big celebration thing.”

           
“Celebration?”

           
“Yeah, they got the deal. The label signed them earlier this week.”

           
“When?”

           
“I think it was final on Wednesday.”

           
“Why didn’t they tell me?” I asked feeling dejected that I was the last to
know.

           
“I think they were afraid it might upset you more and I think they also hoped
that he would come talk to you himself.” I was a horrible friend, so wrapped up
in my own world that my friends, the ones who had been there for me so much in
the last few months, felt like they couldn’t share their good news with me. I
needed to get over myself and be there for them tonight. It wasn’t about me and
Kyden, it was about the band, and every single one of them deserved this. It
was my turn to be there for them.

           
“I’ll go.” I told her, and the next several hours were spent dreading the party.
Vi
helped me make the choices for the kitchen, but I
couldn’t tell you what colors, or lights or sink I decided on. I had to trust
that
Vi
wouldn’t have let me pick out anything tacky
or distasteful. All I could think about was the confrontation that I knew was
going to happen tonight.

           
I was going to see him, and even though I was sure we were over, tonight would
solidify it. There would be no doubt left when I saw him, one way or the other.
I didn’t realize how much my heart had been clinging to the tiny scrap of hope
that he missed me as much as I missed him.

           
I changed six different times before finally deciding on a simple, but cute,
dark green tunic dress. The fact that the color reminded me of a certain pair
of eyes had nothing to do with why I chose it. I let my hair hang down over my
shoulders and skipped the makeup. If I ended up crying again, which was likely,
it would only end up a mess.

           
An hour later Bas’ car was parked outside the house. We’d been there for about
ten minutes and I still couldn’t make myself get out.

           
“You have to go inside eventually Jazz.”

           
“I know. You might have to drag me
though,
I don’t
think I can do it on my own Bas.”

           
“Yes you can. You’re stronger than this Jazz, even though you don’t want to
be.” I hated when he was right, but he was. I was acting like a stubborn child,
it would be better to just get it over with. I took a deep breath and steeled
myself. I grabbed the door handle, and before I changed my mind, forced myself
out of the car. Bas and Lissa both held my hands as we took the steps up to the
front door. Before going in they both gave them a squeeze and then let go.

           
There were more people than I had ever seen, in their house. It was almost as
packed as the bars were for their shows. The sound system was blasting one of
their songs.

           
“Rainbow!”
Spade scooped me up and threw me over his
shoulder as soon as he spotted me. Before I could protest we were moving toward
the kitchen. As we passed through the mass of bodies I tried to lift my head so
I could look for
Ky
and when
Spade set me down on a barstool I was still searching for him.

           
“He’s not in here, you don’t have to worry.” I hadn’t even tried to be
discreet. I saw that Ace and Marcus were both amongst the crowd in the kitchen.
Maysie was at Marcus’ side, their hands entwined. I felt a ridiculous pang of
jealousy at the site. It wasn’t their fault and I was happy for both of them,
but I couldn’t help it.

           
“I’m really glad you came, Rainbow. If it gets to be too much though, just
come
find me and I’ll take you away, promise.”

           
“Or me, baby girl.” Ace came up behind me and wrapped his arm around my
shoulder. We’re all on your side. It’s pretty unanimous that we think he’s
being a dumbass.”

           
“Thanks guys. I appreciate it, but it’s really not his fault. It’s what’s best
for
us,
it was silly to think we could make it work in
the first place. Tonight’s not about that though. It’s about you guys, and
don’t think that I’m not mad at you because I had to wait to hear it from
Vi
. I would have been happy for you. This is amazing and you
guys deserve it.” Ace brought his other arm around me and crushed me to his
chest.

           
“Thanks baby girl. It feels pretty damn amazing.”

           
I was about to ask them for details about the deal when Chris burst into the
kitchen with a girl under each arm and a beer in hand, and I could tell it
wasn’t his first. Or second. Probably not his third either. “You guys ready for
a tour?” He shouted. “We’re taking the east coast, and then it will be the
world!” Everyone cheered and hollered, but I was stuck on the tour part. I
turned back to face Spade.

           
“You guys are leaving?” The sympathy and regret in his eyes was my answer.
“How soon?”

           
“We leave next
week,
they’re throwing us on with John
Timbale and Expelling Shadows.” That was huge. Their shows had been selling out
within a day of going on sale. Getting put on tour with them would make the
guys’ careers. They were so good and now the whole country was about to hear
it, and Chris was right, the entire world would be next.

           
It was more than just huge, it was incredible, but I couldn’t find it in myself
to be excited that they were leaving. I wanted this for them, I really did, but
it meant they were all leaving me. I wasn’t just losing Kyden, but all of these
guys that I had come to care so much about.

           
I hated how selfish I was being. I should have been jumping up and down and
cheering with the rest of the crowd, but I couldn’t. Instead I hugged them both
and went to find a quiet place to pull myself together before I ruined their
party. They started to come after me but I shook my head and they gave in.

           
I was trying to push my way through to the bathroom when I caught a glimpse of
Kyden entering his bedroom. It looked like he was alone. He hadn’t seen me and
closed his door behind him. I felt a calm come over me, all night I was
anticipating seeing him with a sense of despair, but now all I felt was
resolve.

           
I followed after him and slipped into his bedroom. He was stretched out on his
bed, leaned up against the headboard with one of his composition books in his
hand. Whatever he was writing had his full attention because he didn’t even
notice me, until I shut the door.

           
“So a tour.
Did you know this was going to happen
before we talked?” He sighed.

           
“Yeah.
They were pretty up front from the beginning
about what they wanted to happen. They laid out the details of the tour at the
second meeting.”
The second meeting?
That
had been the day Shane was shot, the meeting I never got to ask him about.

           
“So when you said we should take some time, you meant like what? Three months?
Six?
I mean, how long is the tour?”

           
“Two months on the east coast, two more if they want to keep us on for the west
coast, and another if we go overseas with them, but who knows what will happen.”
Of course they would want to keep them on the tour. There was no way they
wouldn’t once people started going crazy for them.

           
“What was the point of any of this then if you knew you were probably leaving?”
Unless that’s exactly why he started it? He knew if it didn’t work, he got to
leave without being the bad guy, because how could I ever hold pursuing his
dream against him?

           
“I was going to ask you to go with me.”
What?
Go with him. Did he really
mean it? Did it even matter now? No, it didn’t because now we both knew it
would never work. He didn’t want it enough and I wanted it too much.

           
“You could still come.” He said casually. “We could try to maybe figure this
out.” What an enthusiastic offer. I really felt how much he wanted me to be
there. I almost laughed, except that it hurt too much.

           
“I think we’ve both already figured out everything we need to. No point in
dragging it out across the country when that’s not what either of us really
wants. It would only hurt more later on. It’s best if we both just move past
this.” I was lying with everything I had while on the inside I was begging him
to see that, to see that I would follow him anywhere. I wanted, more than
anything, for him to try to change my mind.

           
He didn’t of course, because unlike me, this was exactly how he wanted it. He
was probably relieved even though I couldn’t read anything in his expression
because he had his emotions in check and all his walls up. He just nodded like
that’s what he had expected me to say.

           
“You’re probably right. I want you to know that I don’t regret anything, and
I’m sorry this is how it ended Jaxyn.”
Jaxyn
.
There it was.
The end.
I’d suspected it when he
disappeared on that Monday night and ignored my calls. I knew it when Kaylie
answered his phone, and then I believed it for sure when he said we needed
time. At least I thought I had, but I was wrong. My heart had refused to accept
what my head had known all along, but my heart was finally on the same page
now. It was the first time he had ever called me by my name, and it was the
first time I’d ever hated the sound of my name.

           
He stood up and pulled me into a hug and pressed a kiss on top of my head and
just like that, my heart knew it was goodbye.
Probably not
forever.
He would come home, eventually and because of our friends, our
lives would still be tied together, but it was goodbye to the ‘us’ that never
even really had a chance to be.

           
I’d hated goodbye when I had to say it to my mom in her hospital room. I hated
it again when I said it to Bas after our graduation dinner, knowing it would be
for longer than he realized. I hated it just as much right now and I still had
a round of goodbyes left to make it through with the rest of the band. I wasn’t
actually losing them the way I was Kyden, but I knew it would still suck, and I
was right.

           
That next week when we all stood in the driveway of the very same house and I
hugged each of them and wished them the best, it did suck. It sucked so much I
couldn’t even try to stop the tears.

           
“Please don’t cry baby girl. You have no idea how hard it was to even pack my
bags knowing I was leaving you behind. You’ll be okay though. You’re so strong
and this isn’t going to change anything. I love you girl. We all do, even if
not everyone is ready to admit it to themselves.” Ace whispered in my ear as I
clung to him. “We’ll be back, and I’m going to call you every single day.
You’ll be so sick of me that you won’t miss me at all.” It was sweet. It was a
lie, but still sweet. I was going to miss him so much, all of them.

           
They climbed into the van and drove off taking my heart with them. After they
were no longer in sight I sat down on the sidewalk and silently sobbed. I
wanted to believe Ace when he promised nothing would change, but these last two
months were proof of just how little time it took for things to be completely
turned upside down, and they were going to be gone for twice that. I had no doubt
they would ride out the entire tour.