Finding Faerie (15 page)

V
ance nodded towards an open booth in the back of the cozy little pub we had selected. “That one okay?”

“Sure,” I said.

A petite waitress with wild blonde curls approached us as soon as we settled into the high-backed benches upholstered in worn leather. “Welcome to McGillins. What can I get ya to drink?”

“Karli?” Vance gestured for me to order first.

“I’ll have a Guinness please.”

“That sounds good. I’ll have the same,” he said.

The waitress placed two menus on the table. “Verra good. Here’s your menu. Have a look and I’ll be back in just a bit to take your orders.”

I waited until she walked away. “Thanks for coming. I really am glad you’re here to help.”

He grabbed my hand across the table. “Me too.”

I pulled back. “Please don’t.”

“I’m not allowed to touch your hand?”

“It’s better if you don’t.”

His brows crinkled. “Why?” 

“Because when you touch me, I get confused. I can’t afford to lose focus here.”

“Why do you get confused?”

“Please don’t make me say it,” I begged.

He crossed his arms over his chest. “No, I think I need to hear this.”

I sighed. “My brain gets short-circuited when you touch me. I can’t help feeling things that I don’t want to feel.”

“So…you’re saying you want me. But you don’t
want
to want me?”

“It’s not just sex,” I explained. “It hurts, okay? It hurts to think about what happened between you and Maria, it hurts to think about what we lost because of it,  it hurts that everything went to shit right when I finally thought I had it all figured out.”

His face reddened. “So you’re still blaming me for what happened with Maria?”

“What? No, I don’t
blame
you…but I can’t exactly forget what happened either.”

“You’re never going to see the truth, are you?”

I scrunched my brows in confusion. “What truth is that?”

He leaned over the table and lowered his voice. “Let me ask you this, Karli. Do you think I
wanted
to sleep with Maria? Do you think I would
ever
do something like that if I were cognizant of my actions?”

Why did he insist on rehashing this? “No and no. I know you were under a spell, Vance. I get it. But like I said before, I can’t ever get those images out of my head. It’s too hard.”

“Fucking society and its double standards,” he muttered.

“What are you talking about?”

He sat back and narrowed his eyes at me. “Let’s say a man and a woman meet in a bar. He buys her a drink and spikes it with a roofie. After she drinks it, she goes home with him and they have sex. Would you consider their sex consensual?”

My mouth gaped. “Of course not! He drugged her!”

He crossed his arms again. “You’re smart, Karli. Let that thought marinate for a minute.”

I bit my lip, trying to figure out where he was going with this.  I gasped as the realization hit me like a brick to the head.
Vance was raped.
Society did have a double standard when it came to men being raped by women. It becomes more of a joke, or a brush off even, because hey, if he can get it up, he must have wanted it at least a little, right?

“Omigod.” I wiped a tear from my face. “Vance, I’m so sorry I didn’t think of it like that before.”

He shrugged. “I don’t want your apologies or your pity, Karli. I just want you to see the truth—that by no means was any part of what happened with Maria consensual. God forbid, but if the situation were reversed, it would
never
affect my feelings towards you. Does this epiphany of yours change anything? Are you willing to give us another shot?”

Oh, God, I was a monster!
What kind of person leaves someone because they’ve been raped? I felt sick. How could I have done that to him? I felt worse when I realized that even if I wanted to jump straight back into Vance’s arms, I didn’t think I could. Would I ever be able to switch off that part of my brain that played those images of Vance and Maria in bed together? He touched her with so much love poured into every action that night. I shuddered when I recalled his breathy sentiments, telling her how he could never live without her, how she was his everything, how she made him the happiest man alive. Could I ever look past that? Could I ever get over the feeling that I was second best? Nowadays, Maria was one massively crazy bitch, but at one point, she was the woman he chose to marry. Vance didn’t take marriage lightly; he would’ve never made that commitment unless he wanted forever. That night made me realize how much he’d truly loved her. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d ever really let go of those feelings. Christ, why didn’t I realize this before coming here? At least then, maybe Vance and I would’ve had a chance. Maybe, with time, I would have gotten over my insecurities.

I thought about everything that had happened since I’d been in Ireland. Every moment I’d shared with Leo. Could I really regret being with him? The answer I found inside myself was a resounding no. In spite of this realization about Vance, I loved Leo. I saw proof of that in my aura. Being intimate with him was so special for both of us. I refused to be ashamed of it and I refused to ping pong back and forth anymore. Neither man deserved to be treated like that. Despite the circumstances that led to it, I chose to take my relationship with Leo to the next level and I had to see that through. God, how was I going to tell Vance? Could this fucked up situation get any more complicated?

“Vance, I can’t. Too much has happened. I’m so sorry I didn’t see it before. I really, truly am. Maybe things would be different…maybe not, but I need to move on now.”

He scoffed. “Move on, with Leo?”

My jaw dropped.  “I didn’t say that.”

His fists clenched. “You didn’t have to.”

I straightened in my seat. “I’m not discussing this with you.”

“But there’s
something
worth discussing?” he insisted. “I’m not an idiot, Karli. Something’s different with you two. What’s changed?”

We stared at each other in a standoff as the waitress delivered our drinks.

She took out a small pad of paper and clicked her pen open. “Are you ready to order?” 

Vance looked away from me. “Could we have a few more minutes please?”

“Of course. Just holler when you’re ready.”

I waited to continue our conversation until she was out of earshot. “Vance, I’m really not going to discuss this with you. At least not right now.”

He sneered. “Are you serious?”

“Of course I am. Why would you think otherwise?”

His jaw ticked. “Okay, let me put it this way.
Hypothetically
, if I started seeing someone,” he said those last two words like he’d eaten some bad fish, “you’re saying that it’d be
none
of your business? You wouldn’t care
one teensy bit
that some other woman was in my bed?”

“
Are you
seeing someone?”
Dammit!
Why’d I let that slip out? I knew he wasn’t but I fell for his trap anyway.

He grinned triumphantly. “Exactly my point. Now answer the question.”

Leo and I hadn’t even had the chance to discuss our relationship status. I certainly wasn’t going to talk to Vance about it first. I stood up from the table. “Thanks for the lunch invite, but I’ve lost my appetite.”

“Karli, wait.” He grabbed my retreating elbow. “Dammit! This wasn’t supposed to be this way.”

My eyes watered as I turned to face him. “Life doesn’t always work out the way we thought it would.”

He nodded towards the booth. “Please, sit down. Don’t go. I don’t know what’s going to happen tonight or if we’ll get another chance to talk.” He sank into the booth and sighed. “I just traveled five thousand miles to be here. Can’t you spare a little time?”

I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d want me to stay if he knew that I’d slept with Leo.  He certainly suspected it, but suspecting and knowing were two entirely different things.  “I don’t know, Vance.”

He held up his fingers in a Boy Scout salute. “I promise no Leo talk. No Maria talk. Hell, I’ll even throw in no relationship talk.”

I slid into my seat. “Okay.”

Vance and I actually managed to have lunch without any further incident. Our conversation was surprisingly pleasant…some might even say friendly. He filled me in on what had been going on back home, his version of everything with Erica, and even some memories of his time spent on Faerie. He was really excited about the possibility of going back there again. He even spoke about my parents’ deaths, and how it affected him.
Of course
he’d be affected when he learned they had passed; we just never really discussed it. I was a bit ashamed of myself because I was so wrapped up in my own drama that I never really thought about his feelings. God, I really was an asshole sometimes.

He dropped me off at the hotel and agreed to return right after sundown. I stepped into my suite and stood there for a moment, confused. All of the lights were off and there were no sounds coming from anywhere. Weird.

“Leo?” I called.

“In here, my love.”

His voice came from the bedroom so I walked over and opened the door. “Hey, wha—”

He smiled as he pulled me into the room. “Welcome back.”

I stood there in awe as I looked around. There were at least two dozen candles on every available surface with red rose petals scattered across the bed. “Oh, Leo, it’s so beautiful!”

He trailed a finger down the side of my neck. “
You’re
so beautiful.” He studied me for a moment and frowned. “Is everything okay? You seem…preoccupied. How was your lunch?”

I gulped. “I don’t want to talk about lunch. I just really need to be with you right now.”

Without another word, we undressed one another, taking our time, tasting the salt on each other’s skin as each layer of clothing was removed. I arched my back as he dragged velvety soft rose petals over my sensitized flesh, and gasped when he took my painfully hard nipple into his mouth while kneading my breasts. I moaned when he entered me slowly, filling me so soundly I screamed in delight.

Leo’s movements were soft and sweet, much different than our previous encounters. It seemed like he was committing every second of this experience and every inch of my body to memory. He loved me and worshipped me with every ounce of passion he possessed. We maintained eye contact almost the entire time, making each sensation that much more intense.

As I came, a shadow fell over his face. He looked…
miserable
. He exuded deep pain, regret even. I couldn’t pinpoint where the sudden shift in mood came from, but it was breaking my heart.

“Are you okay?” I stroked his face, looking deeply into his eyes.

He searched my eyes. “I love you, Karli. More than anything. Don’t ever forget that.”

Why was he saying this? “Leo, what—”

He silenced me with a kiss more passionate than any before, his tongue mimicking his lower body. His thrusts became harder, faster, and deeper until he reached his own completion. My body was humming in pleasure, but I couldn’t help feeling like something was horribly wrong.