Fire and Shadows (Ashes and Ice #2) (9 page)

25

CONNOR

The boat puttered
along the swamp. I was sure the motor was going to die on us. I kept imagining the red crocodile eyes staring at us, waiting for their moment. Waiting for their dinner. I gulped down a breath. Nanan sat behind me, her hand on the steering rod. Looking back at her, she didn’t look like an old lady braving the swamp. She didn’t look out of place at all. She looked like a force within her own element—strong confident lines, determined eyes.

“
How much farther?” I asked, embarrassed by my shaking voice.

She heaved in a breath as if it weighed too much.
“Soon. We will be there soon.”

The rowboat sputtered along. The tall grass around us
closed in, getting closer so that the blades grazed our skin. I didn’t like it. It felt like this was a trap. It felt like we were going to be swallowed up by the grass and left to the crocodiles. It felt like we were about to be torn apart. My chest ached. My fingers tingled. I really like my fingers I, thought. I didn’t want to have to lose them in this swamp. The motor cut off. I jerked toward Nanan. She sat still, her hands in her lap. Her eyelids falling almost shut.

“
Nanan.” My whisper sounded more like a hiss. “Did the motor die?”

She just shook her head.
“No... no.” She opened her eyes and shuffled towards me, making the rowboat rock. I grabbed onto the sides of the boat and breathed in deeply. She swatted one of my hands away from the side of the boat and pushed my arm over so that she could sit beside me. Her voice was like a bit of wind caught in the air. Soft, melodic, one with every sound around us. A voice of the swamp. She took my hand in hers and traced the lines across my palm. Then, in one quick motion, silver flashed and a tiny slice over my index finger spotted with blood.

“
What the hell was that for?”

She didn
’t answer. Instead, she took the knife and sliced her own finger. “The river is going to wanna know who comes seeking it. Not gonna show us unless it knows what we want.”

The fact that Nanan was speaking of the river as if it was a being unsettled me. She took my hand and pulled it over the side of the boat.
“We seek your sanctuary. We seek your wisdom.” Our blood dripped- into the river, but nothing happened. Nanan deflated for a moment into a little humph. She pursed her lips and looked at me. She sat there, searching my face as if I had the answer written on my cheeks or on the tops of my eyelids. “We need to try another way.”

I looked at the still swamp and the tall grass.
“I figured that.”

“
What—what do you want?”

“
To... find Jade.”

“
Why?

“
Because, because...” I say, a whirl of thoughts begging for attention. “Because, I am worried about her.”

“
Why?”

I blinked.
“Because I am afraid she’s hurt or needs help.”

“
Why does that matter?”

Because I love her immediately sprang to my mind. But I wasn
’t going to say that. “Because the world needs her help. The world needs her safe.” The grass rustled. It seemed like it was closing in on us more, like octopus tentacles reaching out and trying to snag and drag us down. I yelped and Nanan glared. “Don’t speak untruths to the river. She knows. She knows what your real motivation is. What is your truth? Why do you want to save Jade?”

There it was. I needed to say it.
“Because I am in love with her.” The grass immediately let go and stood tall swaying.

Nanan nodded.
“And what are you willing to do to bring her back?”

I breathed in slowly although my mind was a
one-hundred-percent clear. “Anything.”

The way in front of us immediately opened as the grass retreated and revealed a small path. Candles floated on the water, casting an eerie yellow glow.

“The river knows you spoke the truth. And she’s willing to collect,” Nanan said. The emotion in her voice was unclear. The boat floated forward, lulling and swaying with the movement in the water. The air crackled with energy. We emerged into a clearing, a wide- open space of water. The water was filled with candles. We were coasting into a lagoon of light. I heard laughter and tears on the breeze. Familiar voices. I looked down into the water and the surface was stained with blurry moving images of my life. Images of my father, my mother, my home, and Jade. It was like a patchwork quilt of memories and candle flame. “What is this place?”

“
This is the sacred space of the river. The soul. It reflects the soul of man. It brings forth truth and need. It is where all white magic is born.”

I motion to put my fingers in the water and Nanan doesn
’t stop me. The water is crisp and cool. The river’s surface shudders and in a sweet melodic voice, I hear “Your beloved needs you. Are you willing to sacrifice what is necessary to find her?”

“
Yes.”

Bones break the surface. Skulls of animals and humans bobbed around us. I swallowed hard and swore
quietly as I noticed a small tin house stood on the edge of the swampy river. Nanan pointed at it. “That’s where it will be done.”

She didn
’t say it, but as the boat sputtered on, I thought I heard her say,
that is where your soul will be torn.

26

JADE

“Do you feel
it?”

My eyes were clenched shut. I held my breath searching within the darkness for the flicker of flame and life, for a hint of Heaven. I couldn
’t find it. I let my breath out and opened my eyes, deflated.

Giovanni
’s eyes were intense, the blue of them nearly a violent wave of ocean.

“
I don’t feel it,” I said. A muscle in his jaw ticked, but he said nothing. He sat back slowly. I hated his calmness, because I knew inside, he was turbulent and wild. Looking at him in this facade of calm made me feel like he was a liar. I swallowed. That was wrong of me. Harsh of me. How many lies had I told? I was a hypocrite.

“
I see.”

A silence clung between us. It was uncomfortable, sticky.

“Maybe if I knew what it really felt like...”

Giovanni
’s eyes narrowed slightly, but didn’t look at me. “What do you mean?”

“
I mean... is it just heat?” I said, “Is that what I am looking for? Some sort of well of heat buried inside me?”

Giovanni loudly exhaled.
“No, that isn’t it. When you are near me... don’t you feel it?”

“
Well, yes. But you are hot all the time. That’s—” I stopped when Giovanni’s gaze jerked up to me. “Not hot as in sexy,” I clarified a little too quickly. “Hot as in warm.”

“
I knew that.” His shoulders fell.

“
So, as I said, you just feel warm. Is that what I am supposed to look for?”

Giovanni shook his head, but he looked as if he was at a loss for words.

“Then what?

Giovanni sighed and then trained his gaze at me
. He shifted his gaze upwards to the sky, to the stars. “Home.” He closed his eyes. “You are looking for your piece of home—sunlight, beauty, power, glory. You are looking for starlight in your veins. Your sense of strength, where you belong. You are searching for your essence.”

I wanted to scream, instead I bit out through gritted teeth,
“Oh, is that all.” That all sounded much more difficult than I wanted to hear.

Giovanni
’s lip quirked up on one side.

How could I tell him that mixed into all of that was the cold, the thoughts, the wickedness? How could I say that when I settled into myself
, I could still hear the faint screams, which didn’t cause me unrest? I was too ashamed to say it aloud.

Giovanni shifted toward me and looked into my eyes.
“Don’t worry. You will find it. I know you will.”

I paused
—at first caught off guard by his faith, and then turned off by the emptiness of his words. How did he know? “You seem to think you know pretty much everything.”

“
Well, being the head of an army has its perks.”

“
Like what? Angel concubines?”

“
What?” It was a flabbergasted sound—complete with clanging and rocks turning as he nearly fell backwards from whipping towards me so fast.

I regretted my little joke. Or maybe... he didn
’t know what concubines were? “Nothing. Never mind.”

“
Angels are monogamous,” he said with finality.

For some reason
, that tickled my curiosity. “Monogamous? Really? Is there marriage in Heaven?”

“
Yes. We are Soul Bound in ceremony. And once we are, it would be a complete unraveling of ourselves if we decide to separate, or if we are untrue to each other. Our partner is generally chosen by those higher in rank... a partner that would bring more glory to the bloodline.”

“
Are you... Soul Bound?”

“
No. No, I’m not.”

“
Do you... have someone waiting for you?”

“
No. No one is waiting for me.” There was a bitterness in his voice that startled me. Unrequited love?

“
Are you... waiting on someone?”

Giovanni didn
’t answer in the same stiff way. In fact, at first, he didn’t answer at all.

“
Giovanni...” He looked at me then, his eyes open and waiting. “Are you waiting for someone to love you back? Or to be matched with someone in particular?”

“
It is not my right to want something like that.”

“
I am not asking what is your right. I am asking what is true.”

Giovanni flinched at that.
“It is weak to love someone who will not love you back. I’ve made a choice not to.”

Giovanni looked vulnerable, even though his voice was even. He was admitting that
he loved and there was no love for him in return. At least, that is what it sounded like.

“
How can you choose not to love someone? That sounds impossible.”

“
You lie to yourself. Over and over again. Until, you can’t remember the truth.”

“
And you are sure she, or um, he, doesn’t love you?”

“
First off, it is a she. And second...” His voice trailed off. I wasn’t sure if he didn’t know the answer or it just hurt to say aloud. “No, she doesn’t love me.”

“
Did she tell you that?”

“
No...”

“
Then how do...”

“
Because.” His voice was like a reprimand. “She doesn’t look at me the same anymore,” he said. His gaze shifted to the fire. “Her eyes are for someone else.”

I let the silence linger. So did he.

We stared into the fire. An apparently unloved angel, and a seriously messed up half-breed. The fire offered no answers, but the crackling was beautiful, the fire reached up.

“
Giovanni...”

“
Yes?”

“
I hope you find love.”

Giovanni grunted.

“I hope you find love and have lots of little cherub babies,” I smiled at him.

He
didn’t smile back, but he slapped his forehead and leaned into his palms. “Cherub babies, huh?”

“
Yep. Cherub babies.”

“
We don’t...”

“
Have cherub babies?”

“
Well, no... I mean. We do, we do have children. Just not all ranks have children.”

“
What do you mean?”

“
Only highly ranked soldiers have children.”

“
Why?”

“
Strengthen the bloodlines.”

“
So what, are you all in essence cousins then?”

“
Well, I guess that is what the Legion is working on.”

“
That’s ridiculous.”

“
What is?”

“
That only some of you can have children. I am sure others want them. It is oppressive to deny them that right.”

Giovanni shifted.
“Well, I don’t know...”

“
Are you ranked high enough?”

“
To what? Breed?”

I nod.

“Yes.”

“
Have they matched you?”

“
They tried once.”

“
What happened?”

“
I refused the match.”

“
Why?”

“
I wanted war and battles. Not a family.”

“
Is she the Seraph you love? Do you regret?”

“
No. She is not. I never had feelings for her. She is matched with another now.”

“
Then... who is it that you love?”

“
I told you... I don’t love...”

“
Okay, who is this person that you don’t love because you quote unquote choose not to love? Is she matched with someone else?”

“
I told you she doesn’t look at me with love anymore. She has someone else.”

I take that in.
“So, she once loved you.”

Giovanni shifted uncomfortably.
“Yes, yes. There was a time, a very short time, where she loved me.”

“
What happened?”

“
I don’t want to talk about this anymore. You can ask about Heaven, but my personal life is irrelevant to your understanding.”

“
I’m sorry. I was just curious.”

“
You are too curious.”

I looked at him. He was brooding again, a huffing, boiling mess. But there was a fall to his shoulders that pained me.
“Maybe I am.”

I sat back and watched him.
“Giovanni... I know we aren’t close, or even friends. But, if you don’t want me to pry into your life, I won’t. However, if you ever want to tell me about it, I would listen. I would love to listen.”

“
We’ll see, Jade. We’ll see,” he said, pressing his palm forward toward the flame. There was a shimmer, and within the span of a breath, the fire snuffed out, leaving nothing but dancing grey smoke. If I could see Giovanni’s aura, would I bet he would blend in with the fire pit’s emptiness.

We had less than an hour before we would start walking again, so I laid back and dreamed of those that I loved... those lost and beautiful things that I hoped would be waiting for me at the end of all this. Most of all, I dreamt of Connor holding me here in the dark. The time was too short, because when Giovanni woke me to start moving, I
didn’t want to let go of my dreams or him. At least, I had woken up smiling.