Fire (16 page)

… I can’t cope with this session, I should’ve cancelled …

She pulls her hand back, but Jakob’s emotions and thoughts still resound in her mind.

She follows him into the office and quickly sits down, trying to hide how shaken she is.

‘How was your first week back at school?’ Jakob asks.

‘Terrific.’

The irony seems to pass Jakob by. He simply nods.

‘Any recurrence of your panic attacks?’

‘No, not for a while now.’

He doesn’t reply and Linnéa cautiously sends a probe into his thoughts to find out if he thinks she is lying.

… this is going to be too much for me … Christ, how am I to help these kids, I should’ve called in sick …

Linnéa observes his face. Pale under his tan. She notes his red-rimmed eyes. Notes the way he keeps picking at a loose thread in the hem of his shorts.

… why didn’t I understand how strongly this would affect me? I’m a bloody psychologist after all … she is dead … she really is dead …

‘How do
you
feel?’ Linnéa asks.

‘Oh, fine. Perhaps a little tired.’

Jakob looks guilty, as if he’s been found out. She doesn’t have to probe for his next thought, because it comes to her anyway.

… fuck, fuck, fuck, she’s seeing straight through me, it’s like in all these nightmares when they know exactly what I’m thinking …

‘Why do you want to know how I feel?’ he says, probably unaware of the aggressive undertone in his voice.

‘Surely I’m allowed to ask how you’re feeling …?’

Jakob clears his throat. He is clearly trying to restore his grip on his role as psychologist.

‘Of course you can,’ he replies, but his eyes won’t meet hers. ‘What I meant was …You seem preoccupied. Maybe something you want to talk about?’

Linnéa can no longer hear herself think.

Jakob’s thoughts have taken over her mind entirely.

His female colleague had died, the woman with whom he was unfaithful to his wife more than a year ago. Now, he regrets everything he didn’t say and didn’t do, as he remembers all the moments they had shared. Moments that Linnéa definitely doesn’t want to see.

There is so much lurking under the surface of everyone’s life. Before she was given the ability to read minds, Linnéa never grasped just
how much
is going on out of sight. She feels a whole lot less of a weirdo now that she has insight into other people, into their pain and dark secrets. Although right now, she would much prefer not to.

She feels a general anxiety about the future, she says, and talks on autopilot. Jakob is barely listening. But at least she manages to stay out of his head for the rest of the session.

It is the last lesson on Friday and Minoo has a hard time concentrating in the hot classroom. She is not the only one. Her classmates’ faces glisten; they sag in their seats, whisper to each other and ignore Ylva’s attempts to make them focus on the joys of geometry. The air is thick with off-putting smells.
Sweat, moist clothing and, from Hanna A whose place is just in front of Minoo, far too much perfume on warm skin.

Hanna A leans against the backrest. Minoo holds her breath and sits back, too.

She thinks about Hanna’s screaming in the chemistry lab. Viktor hasn’t shown up in school since Wednesday, when it all happened. Minoo can’t forget his smile when Kevin splashed acid over himself. What kind of person smiles at something like that?

Ylva draws a triangle on the blackboard, then turns to face the class.

‘Listen, please be quiet,’ she says.

There is a film of moisture over her glasses, just next to the base of her nose.

‘Can’t we have the rest of the lesson outside?’ Kevin asks and people all around mumble in support. ‘Hey, miss, what about it? I’ll buy you an ice cream. A soooper-sized cone!’

There is some scattered laughter and Ylva’s cheeks go even redder. Her hands go to her sides, her eyes fix on Kevin. Minoo has a feeling that Ylva must have practised looking dignified in front of the mirror. If so, it hasn’t done the trick.

‘Come oooon, it’s too hot to think,’ Kevin goes on.

Ylva shifts her weight from one foot to the other.

‘Besides, it’s the weekend soon …’ Kevin says.

‘That’s enough!’ Ylva shrieks. ‘Get out!’

She points at the door. A large sweat stain in her armpit is now visible to all. The stain is Greenland-shaped.

‘But, miss, he really hasn’t done anything,’ Hanna A says.

‘All I wanted was to buy you an ice cream,’ Kevin beams.

‘OUT!’

It’s a howl from the abyss. Minoo fancies she can see Greenland grow larger.

Kevin gets up to go, but stops in the doorway and waves
with his bandaged hand. Ylva almost pushes him out of the room. And locks the door.

‘Oh, my God, she’s gone totally hysterical,’ someone whispers loudly.

Ylva’s eyes search the room restlessly, but she can’t identify the whisperer.

‘Work independently for the rest of this lesson,’ she says and settles down behind the teacher’s desk.

Minoo stares at the squared notepaper in front of her. Ylva’s outburst makes her feel terribly embarrassed. She doesn’t care to begin to think what the rest of the school year will be like. Weak teachers can never keep order in class. But weak
and
easily provoked teachers create a special kind of chaos.

An eternity seems to pass before the bell rings.

Minoo is among the last to leave the classroom. Ylva sits at her desk, nodding rather stiffly as she says ‘Have a nice weekend’ to pupils who happen to look her way. Minoo feels sorry for her and smiles as pleasantly as she can. Ylva’s expression is so grateful it hurts.

Minoo goes with the flow down the stairs, then stops at her locker to collect the books she’ll need over the weekend. They make quite a pile. It seems true enough, what everybody said. The second senior year is a lot tougher than the first. She’ll need to bring a wheelbarrow to school sometime soon.

As she walks towards the main entrance, she catches sight of Gustaf. He is standing at the noticeboard with a colourful sheet of paper in his hand.

‘Hi, Minoo! I was just going to call you. Do you want to meet up this weekend?’

She is about to say yes, when she remembers tomorrow’s meeting in the fairground. The principal had mentioned
‘changes’ in the autumn. For all Minoo knew, it might mean lessons in magic throughout the weekend. Perhaps second-year magic studies are tougher, too. Besides, she needs more time to think about all that happened concerning Nicolaus.

‘I can’t,’ she says.

‘What are you going to do?’

Minoo herself would never have dared to say that to someone who said he or she was busy, in case it was a lie and the person simply didn’t
want
to see her. But Gustaf’s gaze is unsuspecting. He really is so amazingly …
secure
.

‘I’ve promised Mum to spend some time at home this weekend,’ she says.

‘What a pity. I was going to ask you along to this.’

He holds out the sheet of paper. It is the same advertising flyer that Minoo had noticed on the mat in Nicolaus’s hallway. ‘POSITIVE ENGELSFORS CENTRE OPENS THIS WEEKEND’ proclaims the text happily above a photo of peaceful-looking people watching a sunset. Minoo recognises the address. The shut-down library in the town centre. The invitation apparently includes food and music. And the statutory free balloons for the kids.

‘Where did you get this invite?’ Minoo asks.

‘My mate Rickard gave it to me. I’ve hardly seen him all summer. Frankly, I didn’t think he was interested in anything except football.’

‘Do you know what it’s really about? It sounds kind of … cultish.’

‘I don’t think so. Rickard tells me it’s great.’

‘How is it great? I mean, what do they
do
?’

‘I was going to find out. Aren’t you coming?’

‘I guess I’d better stay away. You know, so I can kidnap you and de-program you afterwards.’

She thought Gustaf would laugh, but he doesn’t.

‘After all, we talked about how this town needs something new to happen,’ he says. ‘And now there are people who’re trying to create something good. No need to be critical and suspicious all the time, right?’

Minoo is surprised at how quickly irritation flares up. It is the first time Gustaf has made her feel like this. As if he has suddenly overdone the things she normally likes about him.

‘No need at all, of course,’ she replies. ‘Of course one should believe the best about everyone and everything. It pays, doesn’t it, since the world is such a terrifically kindly, nice place.’

Gustaf stares at her and Minoo realises the impact of what she has just said. If there is one person who knows that the world is not a kindly, nice place, it is Gustaf. Gustaf, who watched as Rebecka, his girlfriend, fell from the school roof and was crushed against the yard tarmac. Who still believes that Rebecka took her own life.

‘Enjoy your weekend with your mum,’ he says and walks away.

She looks after him as he disappears in the crowd and wonders about what she just did. How she managed to ruin so much in such a short time.

Because she chases demons everywhere, why expect Gustaf to do the same? Who is she to judge him because he wants to see the light first, not the shadows?

‘G!’ Ida calls to him the moment she spots Gustaf coming out of the school.

So what if she sounds pathetic, she doesn’t care. The way she’s lurking outside school is so pathetic to begin with. There is something about Gustaf that makes her endlessly willing to crawl to him.

After seeing Gustaf and Minoo talking in front of the noticeboard, she instantly came along to stand here and wait. They seemed to be arguing. Ida has no intention of missing her chance.

Now that he is walking towards her, she has to force herself to stand still and not run to meet him.

There are times when she worries about being too demonstrative and scaring G off. And, at other times, about not having made it clear
enough
how she feels about him. How is he supposed to know? Especially now, when she’s going out with Erik?

But, whatever, she must hold on to being a winner. It’s the right attitude. One day, Gustaf will realise that he and she belong together. They are made for each other, he can’t stay blind to that for ever. All Ida needs to do is hang on and endure.

‘Hi, Ida,’ Gustaf says when he gets close.

He sounds weary and Ida’s mind starts churning so fast she can barely keep up with her own thoughts.

What was his row with Minoo about? Got to be a good sign – or is it? Maybe it’s a bad sign. If Minoo can make G this bad-tempered, doesn’t it mean that he cares for her seriously? Is he annoyed with Minoo, or maybe with someone else? What if it’s me? No, surely not, why would he be annoyed with me? Anyway, who
doesn’t
get irritated with Minoo?

Just now, Ida would give anything for Linnéa’s mind-reading powers. Then she would at last know what he really thinks.

‘Isn’t it great it’s the weekend now?’ she says.

As she speaks, she lets her fingers slide over her collarbone. Only lightly, not so that it looks kind of porno or sluttish. She has read somewhere that men like it when they catch women touching themselves, because it signals sensuality and self-confidence.

‘Yeah, it is,’ Gustaf mumbles.

It is so rare for the two of them to talk alone like this. She wants to savour every second. Stretch the moment as far as possible.

‘What are you doing? I mean, I know you have football practice, but apart from that?’

Does she come across like a stalker? Perhaps a little. But it shows that she pays attention to what he does and also how well she understands that his interests matter to him. Besides, Ida likes sport, too, especially football. So she obviously has the upper hand over Minoo.

‘Rickard and I planned to check this thing out,’ Gustaf says and hands Ida a flyer.

‘Oh, gosh, that’s so exciting,’ she says while she pretends to read it.

But she can’t get a single letter into her head; she is far too aware of his tanned arms and of his hands, which look masculine and somehow adult.

‘But I’m not sure I’m going,’ Gustaf adds. ‘We’ll see.’

‘Umm, exactly,’ Ida replies and twists the silver heart she wears on a chain around her neck. ‘I’ve rather a lot on, too.’

A bit further away on the schoolyard, a glimpse of a mass of black curls. Minoo is hurrying towards the gates. She glances quickly in their direction.

Fucking Minoo. Minoo, who has been allowed to kiss G. True, she actually kissed Max wearing a magic masquerade outfit, but still. Kissing a copy of Gustaf just once would be better than kissing a thousand Eriks a hundred thousand times.

Anyway, Minoo might well have been kissing the real G all summer long.

Could it be true, that story of Julia’s? That they were snogging down by the canal locks?

Ida can’t hold back. She must ask, must know.

‘Are you and Minoo an item … or …?’

Gustaf looks wonderingly at her.

‘Why do you ask?’

‘No special reason, it’s just that I heard …’

That you were snogging down by the canal locks.

‘… someone say you’ve been seen together in town. All I did was wonder a little.’

Before Gustaf can reply, she has realised that this is a mistake. He sighs.

‘Christ, this town … what can I say? Why does everybody have to keep an eye on everything and everybody all the time?’

‘It’s so
true
,’ Ida says quickly. ‘That’s what I said to the person who told me. To Julia. People ought to get a life instead of snooping on other people’s. Totally typical Engelsfors.’

Gustaf shakes his head and smiles at Ida. His smile seems pitying. Something is cut, deep inside her.

‘Have a nice weekend,’ he says and walks away from her.

‘And you!’ she calls out after him, a little too loudly.

Ida stands still, almost as if she was paralysed.

Gustaf never answered her question about Minoo.

A Knight Templar from Sweden rides across a desert landscape on a galloping horse. Ida is practically asleep; she has seen this film before and it was deadly dull the first time. Dad’s turn to choose, though, and he wouldn’t listen when she protested.