Fire (37 page)

She must stay in Engelsfors. Or else the world will end.

‘I can’t move anywhere,’ she says.

Dad looks up from the tabletop with a glint of triumph in his eyes.

‘But not because I want to be here with you,’ she snarls and the glint disappears. ‘That’s not why I’m going to stay in this fucking awful dump.’

‘Now I don’t understand a thing,’ Mum says.

‘What is it you don’t get?’ Minoo yells. ‘That you should’ve asked a year ago? Why not
ten
years ago? You’ve kept me prisoner here when I had no friends or anything. When I hated every second in the ghastly place!’

‘What—’ Dad begins.

‘Shut up!’ Minoo yells. ‘I’ve had it with listening to you! You don’t give a damn for either Mum or me, all you want is your stupid paper and working yourself to death!’

For once, her father seems at a loss for words. Minoo turns to her mother.

‘Of course, you didn’t think it mattered enough that
I’ve
always had a rotten time here, oh no,
you
had to get an offer of a top job. Then it’s suddenly okay to move! And now you’re going to leave me here!’

By now, Mum is screaming, too.

‘I thought you wanted to come with me. I will not accept—’

‘You don’t get it! You never get a single thing!’

‘All right, explain it!’ Dad says.

Minoo stares at her parents. She will never be able to explain to them, will never be able to tell them the truth.

I must carry this burden alone, Minoo thinks. I have no choice.

She doesn’t want to be left alone with Dad. Perhaps she could persuade Mum to stay. But that is as bad an alternative. Three unhappy people sharing a house.

‘I would like to come with you,’ she says and now her voice sounds quite dead. ‘But I can’t risk my marks by changing school in the middle of the second year. And I’ve found some friends here, at last. I don’t want to leave them.’

‘You don’t have to decide straight away …’ Mum begins.

‘I have made my decision,’ Minoo says and forces herself to meet her mother’s eyes. ‘I am not going to change my mind. But you go. I understand.’

Mum shakes her head.

‘You can change your mind any time,’ she says. ‘For one thing, you can visit Stockholm whenever you like. And I promise to come home as often as possible. Your father and I are not divorcing. We’ll just live in different places for some time.’

‘Fine,’ Minoo says and stares at the floor.

‘Minoo—’ Dad starts, but she interrupts him.

‘I just want to be left in peace for a while.’

She walks upstairs, stops briefly at the open bathroom door and looks at the bathtub. Thinks of what happened there last winter. The voice in her head saying that she had no idea of what was coming her way.

It’s only going to get worse. Much, much worse.

Ida stops in the kitchen doorway.

It looks exactly the same as it did before the water damage six months earlier. The whole house is white and clean again.

Ida has always been proud of her family home. Lately, though, her perspective sometimes shifts. Then, all the whiteness makes the whole place seem soaked in milk. Together with the mist outside the large windows, it feels as if milk is oozing all over the world.

That mist. During the autumn and winter, it has been hanging over Engelsfors almost every morning. The snow lasted for a few days around the New Year, but the rest of the time it melted as soon as it landed on the ground.

Ida observes her family at the kitchen table. Mum and Dad are both eating their crispbread sandwiches. Lotta has pulled her legs up so high her face is almost hidden behind her knees. She is chatting quietly with Rasmus, who is giggling at something she says.

Looking at them like this, at a distance, Ida feels it is easy to love them. Mother. Father. Sister. Brother. Standing here, she can sense the reality of her love. It is floating inside her, light and pure. She wishes that she could encapsulate the feeling and save it.

She clutches her French textbook closer to her chest and steps into the kitchen.

‘Good morning.’

Mum and Dad mumble something in response.

Ida sticks a slice of bread in the toaster. And gets a shock when she accidentally touches the metal cover. She swears quietly under her breath. It’s going to be one of those days. It started with the mobile charger. Next, the hairdryer. Her metal element is running wild these lousy misty mornings.

Gingerly, she extracts the toast when it pops up, butters it thinly, and brings it to the table with her mug.

Mum pushes the teapot towards Ida.

‘Did you sleep well?’

‘I can’t remember, so I guess I must have.’

She meant it humorously, but Mum looks irritated. Ida regrets it at once. Now this morning is ruined already.

‘Are you working today or can I take the car to school?’ she tries all the same.

‘No, I have to go to the shop.’

Ida nods, opens her book and starts quizzing herself on irregular verbs.

‘I don’t like it when you read at the table,’ Mum says. ‘And you know it.’

‘I’ve got a test coming up. Would you prefer me to fail, or what?’

‘Mum, Ida is being negative again,’ Rasmus says.

Dad lowers his crispbread sandwich and eyes her.

‘Now, now. What kind of attitude is that, Ida?’

‘You’re to imagine you get the test back and the teacher is pleased and has ticked all your answers,’ Lotta tells her.

‘Or else I can study, like normal people,’ Ida says.

She drinks some tea and tries to stay cool. But she can feel the others looking at her.

Please
don’t say anything about Positive Engelsfors, she thinks. I’ll simply die if I hear the words ‘Positive Engelsfors’ again.

Besides, is it really
normal
for people to study for a test these days? It seems at least half the town argues exactly as Lotta just did.

Mum and Dad joined Positive Engelsfors just a few weeks after the autumn party. Not that they seem to believe very much of what it preaches. Never mind, the PE philosophy is useful for a whole lot of reasons. For instance, it saves you from having to take complaints from employees seriously. Or you can explain that if Lotta is supposed to have bullied someone, the kid was spreading negative energy.

The fact is, being a member is a social ‘must’. The Engelsfors elite are all followers of Helena and Krister Malmgren. If you don’t join the movement you cease to exist. That’s already happening to Ida.

Erik and Kevin don’t talk about anything much except PE. Robin and Felicia don’t talk to Ida at all, but they are just as heavily into the PE thing. Julia is the only one Ida has persuaded not to go along with it yet, but it’s obviously only a matter of time before she does.

And then Ida will be an outsider, all alone.

She has asked the book lots of times why she can’t join. No answer. Apparently, the guardians don’t want to communicate with her in any way.

Ida sometimes feels she is ready to dump all her promises to the book. Going against the flow simply isn’t her. Rather, she’d want to be in the lead.

The doorbell rings. Lotta jumps from her chair and runs to the hall.

Ida drinks a large mouthful of tea. Pretends to be engrossed in French verbs.

‘It’s Erik!’ Lotta shouts and dances into the kitchen in front of him.

‘Hi, everyone,’ he says and everyone greets him with enthusiasm. Except Ida.

‘Well, now, Erik. All prepared for the Spring Revel?’ Dad asks.

‘Yes. Brighter times are ahead. In many ways!’

Erik’s cheeks are red with cold and a large, clear drop of snot is dangling from his nose.

‘I hear there’ll be a huge crowd meeting up at the centre,’ Mum says.

‘It’s the same at school,’ Erik says. ‘Everyone I know is coming along. Except Ida, actually. Because only PE members are invited.’

All eyes are on Ida now.

She shuts her book.

‘I just haven’t made up my mind yet,’ she says and gets up before they start discussing it. ‘I’ll just brush my teeth and then we’ll go.’

Ida hurries upstairs to her room. She can hear how downstairs, in the kitchen, Erik, Mum and Dad are chatting about PE’s Spring Revel. The centre has laid on a buffet and dancing to a live band. The senior school group is throwing a party in the gym hall. Erik is one of the arrangers. Naturally. He has been one of Helena’s favourites ever since last autumn, when he asked her along to do a coaching session with the hockey team.

Ida brushes her teeth briskly and examines her face in the mirror.

She hardly recognises the Ida who is looking back at her. It is as if all the colour has been drained out of her during the winter.

How did my life become like this? Ida thinks.

It is March now. You hated this time of year as much as I do.
It is the worst time, when you’ve been wandering around in the dark and the cold for half a year and can’t believe that light and warmth will ever come back again.

It’s almost a year to the day since I took J’s handgun. I’m not sure what I was thinking, I guess I didn’t have a thought in my head, all I wanted was to kill the person who had taken you from me. And then, there he was, standing about in the dining area and pretending to be you. Looked like you, talked like you, remembered your memories. And even though he had murdered you, I was almost ready to buy it, never mind that he wasn’t for real. That was how much I missed you.

I still miss you.

Just now it feels as if you were here, listening to me. It’s probably just my imagination. I don’t care. I need someone who listens to me or I’ll explode.

Of course I know what I should do – I should keep away from V as much as possible. Sometimes, I almost believe it has passed, that the fire inside me has died down to a mild glow, but then I see her walk along a corridor, or we touch accidently when I’m unprepared for it, and it’s like pouring a whole can of petrol on the embers. I go on fire again.

Things might have been different if I hadn’t gone to that party at J’s. I remember exactly the moment it hit me. V had just emerged from the toilet when I saw her. She looked so totally happy. I can’t explain but, to me, a bright zone of energy seemed to surround her. I always wanted to be near her. A little later, when she touched my arm, I knew I was caught.

Imagine how stupid it felt when I realised. I did, you see, in that instant. Me, in love with W’s new girlfriend? At J’s party? Hey, business as usual, Linnéa. Why try to make your life easy?

I must stop soon, any minute now the bell will ring for the next lesson. Backman’s, so guess how much I’m looking
forward to it. I almost miss Olivia – at least she and I could make fun of him together. I think I saw her in town a few weeks ago, but can’t be sure because the girl I saw wore a woolly hat. Olivia hasn’t been in touch. She probably regrets quitting school at Christmas. At the time, she must have thought it was a really cool, rebellious decision.

In a way, I’m happy that you don’t have to be around and see what’s going on in this town. Our new, ‘positive’ Engelsfors. There’s even less room for people like us now. And I’m happy, too, that you don’t have to see your parents in action. If you thought this town was insane before …

Must dash now, must be a good girl and get on well at school, get on well with Jakob, get on well with Diana. She is almost back to her usual form, but I don’t trust her any longer.

I love you, E. Wherever you are, I hope you’re happy.

Linnéa closes her diary.

She pulls out her make-up bag, checks her face in the powder-compact mirror and touches up her jet-black eyeliner. Then she jumps down from the windowsill and leaves the toilets. Ready to meet the day.

As ready as she can be.

Vanessa slams her locker door shut and locks it.

As she walks down the corridor, the Positive Engelsfors stickers are beaming at her from every second locker door. A huge, neon-bright yellow poster on the noticeboard trumpets out an announcement about some kind of spring party next week.

In the seating area, she sees Michelle, with Mehmet and Rickard on either side, perched on the table and dangling her legs.

She waves to Vanessa, who nods to them as she passes.

Ever since Michelle joined PE, her thing with Mehmet has been at boiling point. Michelle doesn’t seem to care much for the movement – besides, she’d rather die than wear a yellow polo shirt – but she does like Mehmet a lot.

And because Vanessa and Evelina can’t bear ‘the cult’, they take turns to avoid Michelle-with-Mehmet.

Vanessa has just pulled out her mobile to text Evelina when she realises that someone has arrived at her side.

‘Hi, Vanessa,’ Viktor says.

She looks at him. His black winter coat is covered in tiny glittering drops of moisture and his hair is damp.

‘What do you want?’ Vanessa asks.

‘May I have a few words with you? In private?’

He nods in the direction of a classroom door. Vanessa sighs and follows him in. The rain must be heavier now, going by the loud tapping on the windowpanes. Viktor closes the door, locks it and stands still for a moment. The drops of water on his coat evaporate and his hair suddenly looks newly blowdried.

How practical, Vanessa thinks.

Viktor pulls off his coat, hangs it over his arm. Seeing him close by, she observes two things that surely haven’t affected him before. Tiredness. And just a hint of insecurity.

‘Talk to me,’ she says impatiently. ‘What do you want?’

‘It would be good if you told Anna-Karin from me that her interrogation is today,’ Viktor says. ‘I’ll meet her after school and give her a lift.’

‘Why not tell her yourself? You’re in the same class, after all.’

‘I know we are,’ he replies.

She waits for an explanation, but Viktor offers none, only shifts his weight from one foot to the other.

‘All right. I’ll tell her,’ she says.

‘I thought it would be easier for her if it came from you.’

‘So thoughtful of you. Charming,’ she says.

Viktor looks hurt.