First Contact (12 page)

“
Johnson is in the Legion for the duration. We’ll see. I will introduce you to the galaxy, but it’s a dangerous place. First, you will treaty with humanity. Welcome to America, Land of Milk and Honey, where the streets are paved with gold. Your Pooh Bears should love the honey part.”

* * * * *

AP NEWS REPORT – Rumors are sketchy from Jellystone National Park on Planet New Colorado about first contact being made with a space probe sent by a sentient non-exoskeleton species. “It has long been thought humanity was alone in a galaxy awash with bugs, but hopefully no more,” commented General Daniel Daly of the Legion. “I cannot give details, but the matter is being investigated.” General Daly refused to comment on reports of combat between legionnaires and spider commandos in the disputed north region.

There was also a disturbing report that world
-famous science-fiction writer and legionnaire Walter Knight was killed in action after reportedly stepping on a land mine during fighting in Jellystone. The galaxy is saddened by his loss, but on the upside, Penumbra Publishing editor Patricia Morrison reports that sales for the “America’s Galactic Foreign Legion” series have increased tenfold into the millions. “Usually the principles of most creative endeavors are dead long before there’s any action on their efforts,” commented Morrison gleefully. “We at Penumbra hope history repeats itself in this case. It is about time we all got rich.” When asked about speculation that Knight faked his death as a sales promotion, Morrison replied curtly, “No refunds! Walter had better be dead this time. I am not editing any more of his so-called Republican science fiction until I get a pay raise.”

* * * * *

World-famous science-fiction writer Walter Knight woke alone in the woods. The company had moved on without him. Worse, a spider commando lorded over Private Knight, menacingly pointing his assault rifle.

“
Human pestilence, you are a prisoner of the Empire. Raise your paws!”

Palming his communications pad, Private Knight sent a distress call. Spiders immediately jumped Knight, taking the pad and stomping him with their boots. Knight was wrapped in web and carried across the border for interrogation and possible prisoner exchange.

* * * * *

The spider commander and an Intelligentsia officer added twigs to a small campfire. Private Knight swung from a branch, back and forth
, over the low flames. Sweat dripped off his forehead into the fire, each drop sizzling upon impact with coals.

“
You are world-famous science-fiction writer Walter Knight?” asked the Intelligentsia officer. “I have read some of your books.”

“
You’ve heard of me?” asked Private Knight, relieved at being recognized, and always looking to make a sale. “America’s Galactic Foreign Legion #19 will be out soon.”

“
I hoped to glean insight into deviant human pestilence behavior,” answered the Intelligentsia. “You are obviously a pervert.”

“
Your continual portrayal of the evil alien commander is not realistic, and panders to the peasantry,” added the spider commander. “If you do not tell us what we want to know, I will cut off your testicles and feed them to my goldfish.”

“
No!” shrieked Knight, struggling against the web restraints. “You have goldfish?”

“
You human pestilence murdered a patrol that strayed across the border,” accused the Intelligentsia officer, drawing a razor-sharp dagger. “A lieutenant is unaccounted for. Was he captured?”

“
Yes, the officer was wounded, but patched up. He was sent to headquarters for interrogation.”

“
You had better pray Czerinski does not still abuse prisoners,” warned the spider commander, cutting loose Knight’s right hand. “Your death will be slow and painful.”

“
You are cutting me down?” asked Knight, working out the stiffness in his free hand. “Thank you, I appreciate your humane treatment.”

“
I will quarter you like a fish filet,” threatened the spider commander, handing Knight a pen and paperback. “But first, will you please autograph your latest book, the one about a time traveling Christopher Columbus and the world really being flat? It is a gift to my wife.”

“
Sure,” agreed Knight, writing upside down. “Columbus is one of my favorites, too.”

“
Why is the Legion this far north?” asked the Intelligentsia officer. “What is your mission?”

“
All I know is someone stole a racecar,” replied Knight. “But I heard we found it. Czerinski will be taking the Daewoo south.”

“
Do you really think the world is flat?” pressed the Intelligentsia officer, slapping Knight. “Tell the truth. I will know if you lie.”

* * * * *

The spider commander called me. A startling image of Private Knight dangling over low flames, swinging slowly back and forth, appeared on my communications pad. Too bad, so sad for Knight.

“
I demand my officer be returned unharmed, or Private Knight dies horribly on galactic TV,” threatened the spider commander. “Ha! It will be more bad press for you!”

“
I do not have the authority to make prisoner exchanges,” I answered, stalling. “I will apprise General Daly and my chain of command of the situation.”

“
You do that!”

“
A lieutenant for a private doesn’t seem like so much of a fair trade to me,” I commented. “Knight isn’t even one of my better legionnaires. How about sweetening the deal?”

“
You do not care about Walter Knight, the world-famous science-fiction writer?”

“
Sales have increased,” I conceded. “But we all thought Knight was dead. Throw in an extra one hundred thousand dollars, and we seal the deal.”

“
Do you think your human pestilence dollars just grow on trees?” negotiated the spider commander, wise to the ways of stingy human pestilence haggling. “Fifty thousand credits is as high as I go, and I feel cheated, let me tell you that!”

“
Seventy thousand credits, and there better not be any burn marks on Knight. He has to be presentable for my press release.”

“
Deal!” exclaimed the spider commander, sounding confident at once again out-witting the human pestilence. “We will make the exchange now, above the falls.”

“
I’ll get back with you. Your boy was flown south, and I have to get him back.”

* * * * *

I called Judge Black-Sting. “Your Honor, I need a big favor. I need a Court Order preventing that spider officer I sent you from being eaten. I need him back for an emergency prisoner exchange. Remember Private Knight? He got captured. It would mean a lot of bad press if I didn’t at least try to get him back.”

“
I told you that Knight was more trouble than he was worth,” grumbled Judge Black-Sting, throwing down his barbeque apron and basting brushes. “Poachers cannot be rehabilitated. Now that Knight has ruined my barbeque. Guests are already arriving. What do I tell them?”

“
Don’t you have some fish in the freezer?”

“
It’s not the same,” lamented Judge Black-Sting.

“
I’ll owe you one, Your Honor,” I promised.

“
Yes you will, Czerinski, and I always collect on debts!”

Chapter 14

Senior State Department official James Yamashita met with the alien space probe in New Phoenix to discuss travel to Ursidae and establishment of formal diplomatic relations. Also present w
ere Major Lopez and myself.

“
My wife Lulu and I are excited about being in the first delegation to travel to Ursidae,” advised Ambassador Yamashita, bowing awkwardly. “Lulu even gave away all her fur coats and wraps. I have been meticulously studying the first contact data you so graciously provided. Space bears? Who knew?”

“
There’s no need to bow,” I whispered. “It’s just a stupid machine.”

“
I am not stupid,” advised the space probe, curtly. “And I have excellent hearing receptacles.”

“
I hope prolonged exposure to Colonel Czerinski has not soured you too much on humanity,” commented Yamashita. “We are not all so mercenary. Bears and humans are mammalian cousins from across the stars. Our alliance is much needed to stem the dangerous tide of exoskeleton swarms infesting the galaxy. Our worlds are truly alone against the bugs.”

“
I invite humanity’s best and brightest to visit Ursidae,” replied the space probe, ignoring the rhetoric. Such drivel would be left to the politicians. “We are especially impressed with video of your buffalo burgers. I have taken liberty to make informal inquiries to the McDonald’s Corporation, inviting CEO Ronald McDonald to attend the first contact ceremony.”

“
I had not realized the extent of your exposure to New Colorado,” responded Yamashita, alarmed at losing control of the already growing invitation list. “We have much in common.”

“
Ursidae and Old Earth have a similar warm-blooded history and culture,” agreed the space probe, still downloading information from the database. “Except for the parts that are different.”

* * * * *

An American space fleet beamed into orbit around Ursidae, ostensibly to present Ambassador Yamashita and his diplomatic credentials, and to offer protection against a dangerous galaxy. Accidents can happen. The Bear President for Life met the Ambassador’s shuttle in Bear Square. An orderly crowd of one hundred thousand select bears of the ruling class waited patiently as the shuttle ramp extended to the ground. All hoped to view galactic history in the making.

Illuminated Golden Arches upstaged the event, extending out from each side of the shuttle, lighting the night. The salivating bear crowd pressed forward as the aroma of grilled triple patty buffalo burgers wafted on the breeze. Nervous bear police jostled with hungry citizens to prevent a feeding frenzy.

First to appear at the top of the ramp was Ronald McDonald. Sporting full clown regalia, Ronald played to the crowd like a rock star, generously tossing buffalo burgers to the closest bears. America’s new Happy Meal Diplomacy had started.

Next off the shuttle was Ambassador Yamashita and his lovely wife Lulu, followed by General Daly, myself, and a Legion security detail sprinkled with CIA agents. Corporal Tonelli hung back to converse privately with some scraggly unsavory looking bears at the crowd
’s edge. They exchanged tokens of goodwill. With great restraint, the Bear President stoically resisted the Happy Meal offerings, shaking hands and paws with Yamashita, and giving Lulu an overly friendly bear hug.

“
Yogi just copped a feel,” Lulu complained to her husband. “You better do something!”

“
This is my wife, Lulu,” introduced Yamashita. “Is your wife here? Is there a First Lady Bear?”

“
She is at home attending the cubs and doing the dishes,” admonished the Bear President. “It is very uncouth of you to bring your harlot to such an important public ceremony.”

“
What?” asked Lula. “This translation device had better be defective.”

“
President Miller sends his warmest regards,” advised Ambassador Yamashita, dismissing his flighty wife’s overreaction to slight cultural idiosyncrasies. “Today is a grand day for our two great nations.”

“
Live long and prosper,” replied the Bear President, well versed from database research on formal human protocol. “Where is my explorer vehicle? We lost contact shortly before your arrival?

“
I apologize for any distress caused by the matter, but your space probe was granted diplomatic asylum and refugee status,” explained Ambassador Yamashita, sensing strained relations from the start, but continuing to smile closed lipped for the crowd. “Your probe fears he will be melted down for scrap upon return, now that his mission is accomplished. I’m afraid the Supreme Court held the space probe to be a sentient life form, and eligible for refugee status. It appears there is case law supporting the claim. Lawyers!”

“
Yes, we too are infested with attorneys here on Ursidae,” sighed the Bear President. “I periodically purge them for the public good. What of the impressive armada circling our world? Did your Supremes order its presence, too?”

“
The galaxy is a dangerous place,” cautioned Ambassador Yamashita. “Peace is only ensured through strength and diligence.”

“
The galaxy just got more dangerous,” bristled the Bear President. “You will return the laser and certain equipment. My scientists will provide you a list.”

“
No, I will not.”