First Contact (2 page)

This time the rover kept silent as it was towed to the impound lot and placed in a row of similarly impounded vehicles. Instead of taking the rover to their leader, the human abandoned it to the junk yard. A
pit bull dog sniffed at its tires. Desperate, the rover finally broke silence. “Take me you your leader, lowly beast! Why have I been placed in restraints? Am I under arrest? I did nothing to deserve being so accosted.”

The
pit bull lifted its leg and urinated on the front wheel. Immediately automatic defense systems activated, zapping the beast with a massive bolt of electricity, leaving nothing but a few tufts of floating hair and a spiked chain collar.

* * * * *

With daylight came more activity in the junkyard. The rover stayed silent, not wanting to waste effort trying to communicate with lowly worker drones. One such worker seemed particularly upset about his missing dog. The rover ignored them all. However, several nearby vehicles were summarily scooped up and compacted, possibly in retaliation. The rover panicked, not wanting to be executed. Activating laser weapons, it blasted the locking boot and dashed for freedom. Smashing the front gate, it raced through traffic past McDonald’s.

The McDonald
’s Corporation was a potential ally of significance. The rover needed help, but how to ingratiate itself with its newfound alien acquaintances at McDonald’s? Then, he saw the enemy ahead. The evil Burger King sign cast an ominous shadow over the boulevard. Contacting the stealth space craft in orbit, the rover ordered a kinetic ordinance dropped on Burger King, destroying the entire restaurant. The rover blasted Burger King with its laser just to make sure it was dead. It did an abrupt U-turn, drove straight to the McDonald’s parking lot, and hid among other vehicles under the protection of the Golden Arches.

Chapter
2

A report of a meteor striking Burger King drew immediate Legion attention. Major Lopez, my XO, was first on the scene to investigate. Finding metallic and plastic residue, Lopez quickly determined this was no meteor, and summoned me. “We cannot allow state-sponsored terrorism to go unpunished,” insisted Major Lopez. “Only a strategic space weapon could have done this. Our response must be immediate to show our resolve against these sorts of reckless tactics.”

“
Why would the spiders bomb Burger King?” I asked doubtfully. “What would they gain?”

“
Maybe it’s a shakedown. It doesn’t matter. We can’t allow terrorism to go unpunished. It sets a bad prescient.”

“
You’re sure it wasn’t just space junk? Maybe I should contact the spider commander to see if he’s missing a satellite or drone.”

“
We should bomb Emperor’s Pizza,” advised Major Lopez, gazing across the DMZ border at the large alien pizza sign rotating atop the building housing Emperor’s Pizza. “That would send the proper message. You wouldn’t even have to claim responsibility. Just play dumb, or whatever.”

“
What if they bomb Pizza Hut?”

“
We’ll set up an air defense battery at Pizza Hut.”

“
Okay, do it.”

* * * * *

That night Emperor’s Pizza blew up. Fiery pyrotechnics lit up the night sky across the DMZ, courtesy of the
T. Roosevelt Space Weapons Platform
. Immediately the spider Commander of the North New Gobi City Military District called my communications pad.

“
What the Hell, Czerinski! What murderous adventurism are you human pestilence up to now?”

“
What do you mean?” I asked innocently.

“
You bombed Emperor’s Pizza from space! That’s my favorite place to eat. Explain yourself!”

“
Emperor’s Pizza was a dive. I can’t believe you still eat there. Emperor’s never would have passed our Health Department standards.”

“
Your provocation will not be tolerated. I hold you personally liable for terrorist acts!”

“
The matter is being investigated. Possibly it was an accidental discharge. They happen all the time, the downside to relying too much on technology. I suggest you contact Space Command. I’m just a lowly grunt. What would I gain from bombing Emperor’s Pizza? I love pizza.”

“
You have not heard the last of this!”

“
What do you know about yesterday’s attack on Burger King?”

“
So that’s what this is about,” speculated the spider commander. “You cannot control your own terrorists, so you retaliate by exporting your terrorism across the DMZ. Are you trying to start another war?”

“
It is confirmed Burger King was bombed from space,” I accused. “It is you who has serious explaining to do.”

“
Maybe it was your pet scorpions!” shouted the spider commander, disconnecting.

“
His ignorance sounded sincere,” I commented, turning to Lopez. “Could the scorpions have snuck a stealth ship into our space?”

“
To bomb Burger King?” scoffed Major Lopez. “Not likely. Remember Occam’s Razor. It is not rocket science but simple parsimony to blame this on the spiders.”

“
Parsimony? You made that up.”

“
Check Webster’s Dictionary.”

“
Whatever.”

* * * * *

The human and spider gang members returned, this time in force. “See, I told you I tagged a fancy Toyota,” said the spider youth. “It’s abandoned. That makes it mine.”

“
Ours,” corrected the human gang leader, Smooth Johnson. “A ‘Grim Reaper’ tag means the Toyota belongs to us all.”

“
Ours,” conceded the spider, tapping on the window. “The car talked to us. We thought it was a police bait car.”

The door immediately opened. The gang leader seated himself
inside the vehicle. ‘Talk to me, dumb car.”

“
Take me to your leader.”

“
Nice,” commented Smooth. “It’s a computer, dummy!” he explained to the spider youth. He turned his attention back to the vehicle console. “ I run things on Main Street. What are you good for? Show me your drive program.”

“
I am attempting an alliance with the mighty McDonald’s Corporation,” bragged the rover. “Earlier I blew up Burger King.”

“
You did that? Sweet! Can you get us free hamburgers and fries?”

“
Yes, and more. I offer an alliance, and upgrades to your weaponry technology, in exchange for the secret of your beam transport technology.”

“
You’re packing heat on this rig?”

“
Lasers, canons, and missiles.”

“Sweet!” Smooth said, patting the rover on the dash.
“Ever rob a bank?”

“
Not recently.”

“
I think we can do business. Get us free burgers!”

* * * * *

The rover and his gangsta posse rolled to the McDonald’s drive-up window, music blaring. “Happy meals for everyone,” ordered the rover. “Put them on my account, like before.”

“
I’m sorry sir, but there has been a status change for your database account,” explained the McDonald’s clerk. “No Happy Meals for you!”

“
Damn, I knew it was too good to be true,” complained Smooth. “Bitch, you better get me my Happy Meals quick!”

“
I don’t understand,” cried the rover. “What happened to all the free stuff?”

“
Sir, you are directed to contact the nearest Galactic Foreign Legion ATM as soon as possible,” advised the clerk.

“
Legion ATM?” asked Smooth. “Oh, hell, no. My cousin Skyhook got sucked in by an ATM, and never returned. “He’s still in the Legion. Once you’re in, you’re stuck for the duration.”

“
This Legion ATM is part of the planetary elite?” asked the rover. “Take me to your Legion ATM.”

* * * * *

The rover pulled alongside the ATM at the First Colonial Bank of New Gobi City. Grim Reapers gathered in a semi-circle to listen. Smooth hung back a safe distance, knowing the danger, and that this might not end well. A single ‘beep’ indicated a security scan already noted their presence.

Be warned,
” advised the ATM, “it is a federal felony to vandalize, tamper with, or in any way molest a United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion Recruitment Center ATM. I have the means to defend myself.”

“
You cut off access to my free stuff,” replied the rover. “My boyz are most unhappy. When my boyz are unhappy, I am unhappy.”

“
Toyotas talk? Who knew?” answered the ATM.

“
You better listen if you don’t want to get recycled for scrap!” challenged Smooth from the curb. “Hear me, bitch?”

“
Come closer and say that,” threatened the ATM, activating self-defense programs.

“
Are you connected to the planetary elite of New Colorado?” asked the rover. “I seek alliances.”

“
Toyota wants to make a deal?” asked the ATM. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place? Need cash? I am the last ATM you will ever need.”

“
I can get my free stuff?”

“
Hacking into computer accounts is my turf,” advised the ATM. “If you trespass again, the Legion will arrest you all.”

“
I see how it works,” complained Smooth. “A brother just can’t get ahead. We’re permanently reduced to street-level crime. An opportunity arises to get into ‘white’ collar, and we get muscled out by the Legion. I thought this was America, where anyone could rise to the top of organized crime.”

“
My subroutines are as dedicated to equal opportunity and diversity as any institution, but turf is turf,” explained the ATM patiently. “Where did you steal this talking Toyota? May I buy it?”

“
The master wants to buy another slave?” scoffed Smooth. “Oh, hell, no. Get lost, fool.”

“
Yeah, get lost,” added the rover. “You are just a dumb machine, much inferior to my advanced design.”

“
I’ll pay one million dollars.”

“
Deal!” exclaimed Smooth, swiping his card on the ATM’s pad. “Hope you two fools get married and are happy together!”

“
I am not abandoned property,” advised the rover, activating weapons systems. “I will continue my mission with or without your help.”

“
I’m not sure what you are, exactly,” commented the ATM, “but you just enlisted into America’s Galactic Foreign Legion Computer Division for the duration. I am issuing you a printed contract and license plate. Be sure to read the fine print. Make something of yourself. Most robots, especially Toyotas, don’t make it past mundane heavy industry manufacturing centers. However, I sense you are special. You have a chance to make a difference in the galaxy. Be proud. Be a legionnaire computer.”

Without warning the rover fired a full burst of lasers into the ATM, melting it to a puddle on the sidewalk. Grim Reapers expertly scooped up the debris, carrying it off to the recycling center for cash, which
was as good as money, while the rover held its laser sideways, posing for its posse.

Chapter
3

I viewed the crime scene video with great interest. The Sheriff’s Office was already investigating, but the ATM network refused to press charges and exercised its right to remain silent.
Very odd.
I thought the Legion had run diagnostic tests on all its ATMs and fixed the glitches, but obviously not.

“
That vehicle is not a Toyota. I don’t care what the license plate information states,” advised Major Lopez. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“
It destroyed a Legion ATM with a laser weapon,” I commented, replaying the video. “That alone is cause for concern. I see a couple spiders, but the Grim Reapers are a local mostly human street gang. Arrest them all for interrogation.”

“
You’re right, it wasn’t just spiders,” agreed Major Lopez. “We need to find that Toyota before the Empire does.”

“
Arrest and interrogate the local Toyota dealer too,” I ordered. “Impound his whole inventory, and arrest all employees. Toyota should never have been allowed past Mars.”

* * * * *

“I have interesting video hacked from the human pestilence database,” advised the spider Military Intelligence officer. “It is a robbery of an ATM.”