Fish: A Memoir of a Boy in Man's Prison (28 page)

Inmates talked about catching a case like it was the flu.

"Shit, there's a bunch of people like to see those two motherfuckers dead."

"It wouldn't be a bad thing," I said, thinking about what Chet had done to me.

"I heard that," B.C. chuckled. "I definitely heard that."

I smiled, picturing Chet's teeth floating in a cesspool.

It was hard to believe I had been there only three months. I'd been through so much. Remembering that Riverside was a close-custody prison for protection cases, I wanted to ask B.C. if he knew why Slide Step was there, but I didn't want to know. Slide Step was different from the others, and that's all I needed to know.

I couldn't bring myself to tell Slide Step I didn't want to come back here. My lawyer said after I'm sentenced for the Photo Mat, I'd probably go to minimum-security. To a camp, where I wouldn't need a Man to protect me, since everyone there would be short-within a year or so from parole. But I wasn't out yet. I still had the rest of the day, and night, ahead of me.

If something bad had happened to Slide Step, I decided I'd lock up for protection or even do something that would get me thrown in the hole. If Slide Step wasn't in the infirmary, maybe I could holler to him from our cells in solitary.

Just as I was about to piss in my cup, the guards yelled "Clear!" and released us from the cells.

Some inmates kept jars in their rooms, and I'd see them in the mornings carrying their piss to the toilets. I thought it was disgusting. I'd rather go down to the bathroom in the middle of the night than smell stale piss in my room. When I came out of the head, Slide Step was waiting for me in the hall.

"Slide Step!"

"Hey, Squeeze." He smiled at me, though his eyes looked sad and tired.

"I'm so happy to see you," I said. "I thought you got hurt or something. There was a stretcher and medics, and I saw Chet and Taylor and Red and Manley taken to the hole. When the sirens went off, I got scared, and I asked about you but nobody knew where you were and . . ." I managed to stop and catch my breath for a second, as I noticed others looking on. "I'm just glad you're all right-that's all."

"C'mon," he said. He put his hand on my back and walked me into the day room. Although his demeanor appeared serious, there was a touch of gentleness in the way he looked at me. We went out to the back porch again, past the loose brick in the wall where he'd gotten out his shank earlier in the day.

Slide Step was able to escape the round up, because someone had tipped him off before the guards made their move and starting searching everyone. The medics on the floor, was just a decoy. Manley and Red were caught with shanks.

"Yo, Sims," he said to a con smoking a cigarette on the bench. "How about givin' me and my boy a little privacy, huh?"

"Sure, Slide Step, whatever." He tossed his cigarette in the can and left.

"What's up?" I asked, trying to sound calm. The smoke from the cigarette continued to smolder in the can. Before Slide Step answered, a guard came to take him to the Control Center. "Inspector wants to see you," he said. Slide Step looked at him and nodded. "I'll be back," he said to me. "They probably want to find out if I know something. Hang out in the dayroom till I get back."

"Is everything OK?"

"Just hang loose," he said, "We'll hook up later." He gave me a sly glance that indicated sex. It was a look in his eye, a raised eyebrow, and his nostrils slightly flared. He gave me a wink.

I sat in the day room, as instructed, but a dumb soap opera was on TV. When I was a boy, my mom stood behind the ironing board and sniffled at her stories. I never knew why she cried, but it always made me sad. I looked over at the poolroom. Brett was sitting alone, starring out the window.

"You all right?" I asked.

He nodded.

I racked the balls and chalked my stick. "Sorry to hear about Chet," I lied.

He didn't respond.

I broke the balls with a loud crack.

"It's not Chet I'm worried about," he said.

"Do you want to play?" I asked, offering him my stick.

He shook his head, no. His blond hair almost glowed in the light.

I felt sorry for Brett, not sure what would happen to him now. Chet and Taylor were being held in Administrative Segregation, indefinitely, for their own protection. Word was out that they were snitches, so they weren't coming back to general population. Brett would need a new man. I even felt a tinge of guilt about the mean thoughts I'd had about Brett. It's not like he had any more control around here than I did. I leaned over and banked a ball in the side pocket.

"Nice shot."

"Thanks." I smiled.

He looked at me for a long moment.

"I can talk to Slide Step, if you'd like," I said, trying to reconcile any ill feelings between us. He shrugged and returned his gaze out the window. "Are you sure you don't want to play?"

He shook his head again. "Thanks, though."

When Slide Step returned, we went immediately to his room and under the bed. Since I was leaving the next day, I knew he wanted me, but this time was different. Sex with him was still an obligation, but at least lately he had jerked me off while he fucked me, which helped ease the pain-or at least helped take my mind off getting fucked. But this time, he didn't touch my dick, and I was afraid to ask why.

Each thrust seemed to have an edge of desperation to it. It was as if he held on, for as long as he could, to make each small movement last forever. He kissed my neck, and sniffed my hair. My sweat mixed with his and hung in the air. As always, he was gentle. His lips and scratchy stubble, felt warm on the side of my face.

When he was done, I laid there looking deeply at him while he stared back at me. There was a wide range of expression in his eyes. They glittered, like the time he looked up at me from the baseball diamond and called me Squeeze for the first time. They were intense, like when he chased me to my room and slammed me against the locker and then stuck his tongue down my throat. I remembered how I first struggled uncomfortably as the object of his stare. I didn't understand what he was asking for, when he talked about his feelings for me. Though I still wasn't sure, I knew he kept me safe and that nothing bad ever happened to me under his watchful eye. At least not yet, anyway. Did he know about Scatter? I couldn't tell. His eyes were shining on me now, as we spent these last few moments together.

"I know I'll be back," I said. "You'll see."

In spite of everything I'd told to myself earlier about not wanting to cone back. In that moment-I really did. I felt cared about, and maybe I was feeling grateful to him.

His expression looked sad again, and I wished I could do something to ease him.

"You know I'm gonna miss you," he said.

I didn't know what to say. His mood suddenly felt heavy.

"Did you hear what I said?"

I nodded, but I wanted to check out, because I still didn't know how to handle his feelings. Goodbyes were never easy for me, especially after my mom left us behind. I think Slide Step may have felt the same way since his mom essentially did the same thing to him-even though he never told me this directly. There was a tenderness we both felt, but some things could never be expressed in prison-no matter what was going on.

I wasn't always a quick read of people, and I was still operating from the haze of my youth, but the danger of prison was teaching me to pay close attention to subtleties. I usually captured certain gestures in people and then recorded it in my head. I would study them, become aware of their moods and expressions-mostly to see if there was danger-but then I'd slip away again. I'd go off into my thoughts and fantasies, to my own world where things were different. But even then, on some level, part of me was still paying attention. I'd pick up on what was said, or not said, even though I wasn't thinking about it at the time. I'd record it, like on an eight-track tape, and then listen to the threads later on, when I thought it was safe. But something sad was registering in Slide Step's eyes, and maybe it was because I was leaving, and they were right-I wasn't coming back here. I wondered what Slide Step would do after I was gone, and that's when the idea came to me: What about Brett?

"What about Brett?" Slide Step said.

"Well, I was thinking that maybe you and he could get together. Who knows if Chet will ever get out of the hole, and Brett's going to need somebody to protect him."

"I can't believe you're talking to me about hooking up with Brett," Slide Step said. "Isn't Brett your boy?"

I smiled and looked down.

"You seemed to have gotten over him pretty fast. What happened?"

"Nothing."

"C'mon. You were so gah-gah over him for the longest time. It became a joke. And now you're completely over him? That's not the Timmy I know."

I grinned, not knowing what to say. "It's just that I saw him in the poolroom today and he looked pretty lost, that's all. What's he gonna do now that Chet's gone?"

"Someone will pick him up. That's for sure."

"Is Red coming back?"

"You'd want to see him go to Red? You must really be over him!"

"No! I'd hate to see Red get him. Are you kidding?"

"So you do still care about him? Uh, huh. There's my Timmy!"

He started tickling me.

"Stop it," I laughed, struggling to catch my breath. "I do not. It's just that I'm thinking about you too and what would happen if I don't come back here."

Slide Step leaned back on his side and gently took hold of a lock of my hair. "I'm going to miss you. That's what would happen to me."

"Won't you need another boy?"

"I'm gonna miss you," he repeated, tugging on my hair.

"Me too," I said, but I was focusing on another thought.

"No you're not. You're gonna be with you."

"Ha ha," I mocked. "I'll miss you too, but that's not my point. I'm gonna be back here, anyway, so it doesn't matter. I'm thinking about you, so why not take Brett, so you'll have someone to keep you company until I'm back? Manley said I'd have to go through Quarantine again, so it could take a couple of months."

My feelings about Brett keeping Slide Step company had as much to do with my feelings for Brett as well as Slide Step. Slide Step had been good to me so I knew he would be gentle with Brett too. It also made me happy to know that the two of them were together. Slide Step wouldn't be alone, and Brett would be safe.

Slide Step stared at me, shaking his head. "I don't believe you, sometimes."

"What? I don't want you be alone, that's all."

He shook his head and smiled, and the sadness returned to his eyes.

I was washing my hands at the sink, when someone came up from behind and playfully covered my eyes. Startled at first, I realized quickly they were friendly hands.

"Hey, Pepper."

"So how do you suppose Mr. Efferdent is doing right now?"

"Mr. Tidy Bowl, is more like it," I said. "How are you?"

"A lot better than Chet. That's for sure. He's probably tryin' to get his gums around that sorry ass pork chop they served for lunch right now."

"In the hole," I grinned.

"A pig in the poke," Pepper smiled back.

I dried my hands and was about to leave when Pepper stopped me.

"So what's this scandal I hear about you and Scatter?"

"Huh?"

"Oh, c'mon, Mr. Innocent Blue Eyes. Momma wasn't born yesterday."

"How'd you know?"

"I didn't," she said, "until just now."

She smiled. "I heard Chet ask you about it the other night."

I felt my eyes widen.

"Relax, I ain't gonna say nothing."

She looked down at my crotch, and then back up again.

"Do you think Slide Step knows?" I asked.

"I dunno." She looked down, again.

"I can't, Pepper," I said. "I'm in enough trouble, already."

"Relax, honey. That man ain't gonna do nothin' to you. Don't you know how crazy he is about you?"

"Thanks," I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. "I hope you're right."

As I turned to walk out, I noticed Black sitting on the bench by the shower. He must have heard the whole thing.

After the last count, I grabbed my plastic mug from the back of my locker when a con banged on my door.

"Slide Step wants you to come take a shower," he said.

"I already took one."

"He wants you to take another."

"Why?"

"He says grab your robe and come now."