Five Go Glamping (9 page)

Crazy Trousers popped his head out of the big yurt and came over to the car, with another bloke who wore a beard that was so long, it looked like it was stuck on. I’m not sure if you could even call what Crazy Trousers was wearing ‘trousers’, they were even worse than the ones he’d wore last time. It was like he had decided to fuse M.C. Hammer’s trousers with my nan’s curtains. I could see Steph was disturbed by the trousers and horrified by the beardy man’s beard.

Crazy Trousers waved at Sinead and then made wavy hand movements while Steph manoeuvred her car next to the end yurt.

‘Is this your
festival
then?’ Steph sneered at Weird Beard as he helped her out of the car.

‘Yes, we wanted to provide an antidote to the pressures of everyday life, you know?’ He nodded and stroked his beard. And that did sound quite nice as I had lots of pressures in everyday life.

‘It’s like being completely off the grid, you know? It’s the only way you can find yourself.’ Again with the nod and the beard stroke. I didn’t like the sound of being completely off the grid and I didn’t like not knowing what we were going to do this weekend. It wasn’t that I needed an hour by hour itinerary but I would have liked some sort of plan. Weird Beard took Steph’s hand and kissed it. And then she laughed and it was her flirty laugh! Was she actually flirting with him? Unbelievable.

Meanwhile Sinead had exited from her side of the car and was having some kind of too long hug with Crazy Trousers while he made weird mmmm noises before he stopped to answer Steph’s question.

‘Yes, we’re keeping it pretty low scale this year, first time we’ve tried it. I’m glad you could all make it. We’re going to have a great time.’

‘Yeah right,’ I muttered to Kirk, who was getting out of the car, and we both rolled our eyes.

‘Those trousers!’ exclaimed Kirk, covering Brain Harvey’s eyes.

‘I know, right?’ I said.

‘Such a crime to fashion. As if I don’t have enough to be putting up with,’ said Kirk.

‘Right,’ said Crazy Trousers. ‘I’ll show you to your quarters, leave you to get settled and then maybe you can meet some of the others. Enjoy!’ Then he left us, to go and attend to the moon face women.

Inside our yurt there were three fluffy white beds piled high with cushions in vintage floral fabrics and a well-worn leather sofa scattered with huge oversize cushions. Sinead was stroking the kitchen dresser which held the most beautiful, elegant vintage china tea cups. There was a wood burning stove with a chimney piped out of the roof with an old-fashioned whistling kettle resting on it. There was a small bookshelf full of vintage children’s books and annuals and old board games.

‘Oh! Well, this is bloody lovely,’ I said as I flopped, arms outstretched onto one of the sumptuous duvets.

‘See, I told you it would be nice,’ said Sinead, flopping back onto her bed. ‘Getting away from it all.’

‘It
is
nice,’ said Steph plugging her phone charger into the only available plug socket. ‘No hair straighteners though, but I’ll let you off for that. And your new friends are still weird.’

I yawned and wriggled to get into an even more comfortable position. I was never going to move ever again and I thought that being ‘off the grid’ and ‘getting away from it all’ was going to be a lovely thing to do. There was still a nagging ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach, but it was lessening now we were here and I hoped it would diminish further the longer we stayed. Maybe I could even get used to not planning every single hour of the day, it would be nice to relax and not think about anything. I could hear the cows moo down by the river and the odd sheep would bleat. This ‘taking time to relax’ thing could be pretty enjoyable if I gave it a go, I thought. I reached for my bag so I could take a photo of the lanterns on the ceiling but it seemed like a lot of effort to grab it so I changed my mind. I lost focus of the lanterns hanging from the beams as my eyes began to close and the thoughts in my head filled with the man from the pub who had pushed the car down the round for us.

When I thought about him, I didn’t feel anxious at all – I felt something else, not quite an excitement, but a curiosity. I was trying to hang onto the feeling and dismiss the little twinges of guilt I had when I thought about Connor. It didn’t seem right to be feeling like that when Connor had almost proposed. My thoughts were interrupted when I heard Kirk at the door. I propped myself up on my elbows and saw Kirk open the door with his sad pouty face on. ‘Before you all get too comfortable, I don’t suppose there’s any chance any of you would like to help me put my tent up?’

Chapter Eight

The four of us had been standing around in a circle for a good ten minutes, looking at the mass of pink polka dotted canvas on the ground – on top of which were poles and sticks and various bits of elastic and pegs that looked like they wouldn’t keep anything up.

‘Has anyone actually put a tent up before?’ said Steph.

We all shook our heads.

‘I’ve seen Bear Grylls make a tent out of some palm trees and some twigs so it can’t be that difficult to make a tent out of an actual tent, can it?’ I said.

This wasn’t met with the most enthusiastic response.

‘So, do you want me to go and collect some twigs then?’ Sinead asked innocently. Brian Harvey started to attack one of the pole things, barking excitedly.

‘Give me the instructions,’ said Kirk taking the small piece of card from Steph.

‘Lay the tent out flat…’ he began. ‘Assemble the poles. Push the poles through the spaces at the top.’

Each of us grabbed a pole and took a corner of the tent and tried to push it through to the other end. After another five minutes of attempting the task, we decided we should stop for a drink, so Steph fetched the cool box from her car and we cracked open more Crabbie’s. As we sat on the grass and took in the surroundings, we congratulated Steph on her good idea and kicked off our shoes, feeling the grass between our toes. We didn’t even take the piss out of Sinead for saying how she felt grounded. We’d have just the one, we said, then we’d crack on with it. There’d be no lashings of ginger beer until the tent was up.

*

A few other people had arrived by now and were milling about on the site, so we sat and watched them for a while.

As well as the two moonfaced women in the yurt across from us there was a youngish outdoorsy looking couple in matching clothes who had climbed over a stile with a bucket of water. They held the bucket up for us to see.

‘Fresh from the stream,’ Outdoorsy woman shouted to us.

‘What does she mean by that?’ said Kirk. ‘They didn’t actually get the water from the river, did they? That one down there with the cows drinking out of it? These people are animals.’

It appeared that Weird Beard and Crazy Trousers were in the yurt next to us and came over to offer some help after seeing how far we had got with Kirk’s tent.

They helped us put it up, which wasn’t easy, especially as we now actually had had lashings of ginger beer. It all seemed hilarious and Weird Beard and Crazy Trousers, I had to admit, seemed all right. That was until he told us what we were going to do next.

*

‘No flipping chance,’ I said to Sinead. ‘I’m not chanting.’

‘Come on, please,’ she replied.

‘Have you ever seen
The Wicker Man
, Sinead?’ asked Kirk.

‘Can’t we have a little sleep instead? We are on holiday after all,’ I said.

‘They did let us stay here for free,’ said Sinead. ‘It’s only a bit of chanting.’

Hearing the word made me shudder. Bloody chanting.

‘Let’s go down to the village,’ said Steph ‘I want to go to the festival.’

That had been my plan too, but now we were here, even though I didn’t particularly want to get involved in this cult and join in with their chanting, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go to the festival. I didn’t want to see Connor and tell him what had happened at work and I suddenly didn’t like the idea of being with hordes of people when it was so quiet and peaceful here.

A few more people had arrived now and were milling around, most of them slightly different versions of Crazy Trousers and Weird Beard. The original Crazy Trousers and Weird Beard, and a couple of their clones, led us all to the yurt in the centre of the field. It was so much bigger than the other ones and inside it had bare floor boards and sequined cushions on the floors.

‘Come on in, everyone,’ said Crazy Trousers. ‘Come, come.’ Weird Beard beckoned us with his bony hands and was grinning. I was pretty sure he was demented. Once we were all sat down on the stupidly uncomfortable cushions, Crazy Trousers starting making the weirdest noise I have ever heard in my life, and, to my alarm, nearly everyone else started joining in.

Most people had their eyes closed, but I could see Steph had hers open and was rolling them spectacularly. She threw her head back in despair and let out a massive sigh. She looked so pissed off, it made me giggle which caused a few other people to tut at us. I could hear Kirk joining in but Brian Harvey didn’t seem to be enjoying himself and was emitting a low growl.

Weird Beard, probably sensing a little disturbance, rang a little bell and the weird chanting stopped.

‘Now, everyone, are we all feeling free and relaxed?’

That was one word for it, I thought, but mainly I was thinking what the hell was I doing here. Suddenly going down to the festival seemed like the best idea in the world.

‘Let’s watch our thoughts for a while,’ he continued. ‘Watch them pass, like ships on the sea, gently they sail by.’

Steph screwed up her face and whisper-shouted at me ‘Watch our thoughts? Load of bollocks.’

I giggled but with one eye open, I decided to give it a go. My first thought was what the bloody hell am I doing this for and my second thought was that we could go back to the pub and check out the hot barman, but then I felt guilty again so my third thought was wondering what Connor was doing. He was probably having a brilliant time, sat on the grass drinking cider with all his muso mates and all the cool people while I was here listening to Brian Harvey’s growls get louder and louder.

‘That’s it, watch the thoughts,’ said Crazy Trousers. ‘We’re all really, really calm, finding our true selves.’

He didn’t sound exactly calm himself, in fact he sounded highly irritated, it must have been Brian Harvey’s growling. He continued with his so-called soothing talk until Brian Harvey yapped and Crazy Trousers shouted ‘Can someone shut that bloody dog up, for fuck’s sake.’ His shouting sent Brian Harvey crazy and he would not stop yapping, so seeing as Kirk was now making the most of the opportunity to sleep off his hangover, I shot up from my cushion and took Brian Harvey by his lead and we both got out of there.

The sun was low in the sky but it was still warm out. I looked towards the stream at the bottom of the valley, where the sheep were standing at the edge and decided me and Brian Harvey were going for a little walk.

‘Are you having a nice time on your holidays, so far, Brian Harvey?’

Brian Harvey said nothing, but his little tail wagged as we walked down the valley and came to a stile at the end of our field. Having seen Country Tracks, I felt I had a good idea how stiles worked and was thrilled when I managed to get both me and Brian Harvey over the fence into the next field. As we crossed the second field, I could clearly make out the castle above the village where the festival was being held and I felt a pang of annoyance and cursed myself for not asking Connor if I could go along with him instead, but at least me and Brian had escaped the rest of the chanting and we were having a nice time all by ourselves.

I liked it here. It was a world away from being at home. No traffic, no commuting, just lots of space and time to think without rushing everywhere.

Things improved even more for Brian Harvey when we got to the river at the bottom of the valley and he saw the field on the other side was full of rabbits. He stood on the bank barking at them. It was beautiful here, the river so clear. It was a warm evening too and I wondered what it would be like to swim in the water or at least paddle in it. I thought back to the swimming pool at the Millennium Apartments and thought how unnatural it would be to go swimming so high up in the sky. I inspected the bank and it looked a little too muddy to walk down for a paddle and I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep a hold on Brian Harvey in his state of excitement and with me just wearing my ballet pumps. I sat down on the bank next to a willow tree, keeping a tight hold of the lead and took some photographs of the scenery and of Brian, who was running around me in a circle. A pair of swans sailed past. It was idyllic, until Brian spotted them and whipped himself into an excited frenzy, barking and jumping and eventually lurching forward down the bank. Before I realised what was happening and before I could get a good grip, yards of the lead had slipped through my fingers. I managed to get a firm hold of it, but not before Brian had made it into the river. He was paddling towards the swans when he stopped and began swimming round in circles, his little tongue sticking out to the side. I edged my way down the muddy bank trying to pull Brian closer to me as I did so. With each step, the mud became softer and wetter and was now covering my shoes completely. I pulled Brian closer towards the bank and tried to make one step further when I realised I was completely stuck. I felt a surge of panic well up inside and I struggled to lift my other foot, but felt myself sinking more, the mud now above my ankles. Panicked, I took my phone out to see if I could call the others but I had no signal. A large bird above my head squawked and I was convinced I would never get myself free and I was going to be pecked to death or worse, eaten alive by vultures. I was considering exactly how foolish they would think me if I called the emergency services to pull me out of a pile of mud when I saw a man running towards me along the bank.

It was the man from the pub.

‘Need a hand?’ he shouted. He brushed his dark curly hair out of his eyes and he was smiling. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m stuck,’ I said.

‘I can see. Don’t worry, we’ll get you out of there,’ he said. He moved down to the bank and swung his legs over the side. ‘Throw me the lead.’