Five Things They Never Told Me (12 page)

I feel guilty.

I look down at the iPad in my hands and I know that I totally don't deserve to have it. In an absolute, definite, I-am-not-good-enough kind of way.

I stole from my dad. The same dad who has always been there for me even when I've behaved like a brat. Even when he's been so sad that he seems to have forgotten how to smile. And Mum. She's tried pretty hard to talk to me about everything but I've completely ignored her. I even pretended I couldn't hear her when she last tried to talk to me about why her and Dad have split up.

I've been so angry with Mum and Dad for the last few months and I've sort of got used to feeling mad at them most of the time. But I don't feel angry now. This is much worse. I wish they'd
never let me have this stupid iPad back because now it feels like I'm the bad one. Which I suppose I am, in a way.

I turn off the iPad and carefully pack it back into the box. Then I put it high up on a shelf above the TV. It'll be safe there and maybe I'll start to feel a bit better if I'm not actually looking at it.

I spend the rest of the morning tidying my room and reading my book. Weirdly, I keep thinking about Oak Hill and what Martha's doing. I know Frog isn't visiting his grandad today but even so, I can't stop thinking about what I'd be doing if I were there. When lunchtime comes I make a cheese sandwich but it doesn't taste as good as it normally does when I'm sitting with Dad in the garden, my back propped up against his shed and the sun on my face.

I'm glad when 2.30 p.m. finally arrives and I can get ready to go out. I'm already dressed in jeans and a T-shirt and anything else would seem silly for a barbecue, so I give my hair a quick brush and grab my hoody. Then I put Picasso's lead on him and together we walk over to Nat's house.

By the time we get there it's 3.10 p.m. I can hear voices coming from the back garden and so
I ignore the front door and head down the path at the side of the house. Pushing open the wooden gate I step on to the lawn. And stand very still.

Nat's garden is heaving with people. I recognize most of them from school but they're not people that we'd normally hang out with. For a split second I think I've got the wrong house by mistake and I'm just about to turn and drag Picasso away before we're spotted when a voice yells my name.

‘Erin! You made it!'

I squint into the crowd of people standing on the patio, and as faces turn to look in my direction I see Nat shoving her way through and then running across the lawn towards me. I raise my hand in a greeting but to my surprise she grabs me in a hug and then air-kisses each side of my face.

‘Happy birthday! I'm so glad you're here!' she squeals. ‘We all thought you'd been abducted by aliens! LOZ! Guess who's here! It's Erin!'

This last bit is shrieked at high volume, so now everyone is aware of the fact that I, Erin Edwards, am in the garden. But who on earth is Loz, and why would they be interested in my arrival? I
look over at the house to see Lauren, my other best friend, tottering down the steps and across the grass in an insane pair of high heels.

I laugh, starting to feel relaxed. It's so good to see my friends, even if they are acting even crazier than normal. I take in Nat's short, sticky-out skirt and glittery purple eyeshadow, and Lauren's cut-off shorts that would look a bit much even with trainers, never mind heels, and think I'm starting to understand what's going on here.

‘Guys! You never told me it was fancy dress!' I whisper to them, glancing around at everyone else. Nobody looks like they're here for a barbecue. Goodness knows how they're going to manage when we start having a water fight or kicking a ball around.

Lauren turns to Nat with a questioning look on her face, but Nat just shrugs her shoulders back at her.

‘And who ARE these people? Have they gatecrashed or something?' I ask them. ‘Don't you think you should get your parents to tell them to leave?'

Nat bursts out laughing. ‘Oh, Erin, I've missed your sense of humour so much! Thank god your dad has finally seen sense and let you have a life!'

I'm not sure what to think when she says this, but before I can say anything Lauren comes and stands right next to me.

‘I thought I told you to make an effort with your clothes and stuff,' she whisper-hisses into my ear.

I turn to her and grin. ‘Yeah, but if you'd told me it was fancy dress I'd have known what you were going on about, wouldn't I?' I tell her.

Lauren shakes her head. ‘It's not fancy dress, Erin,' she says, sounding frustrated. ‘Stop saying that. You're going to make yourself sound really dumb in a minute.'

I'm trying really hard to keep up with what's going on here, but my brain just can't figure it out. Lauren obviously thinks I'm being deliberately stupid, but I'm really not. I'm obviously just actually genuinely stupid, because for the life of me I cannot work out why all these random people are standing in my best friend's garden and why everyone except me and Picasso is dressed like they're going clubbing.

‘So why are all these people here?' I ask slowly. Nat bursts out laughing again.

‘Because they're our friends, of course,' she says.

I must look confused because Lauren scowls at me. She doesn't think I'm being hilarious, which would be reassuring if it wasn't for the fact that I can tell she's getting cross with me.

‘You've not been around,' she tells me. ‘There's been loads going on this summer. Haven't you been looking at Facebook?' I shake my head, not wanting to tell her that it hurt too much, knowing that they were all getting on with fun stuff without me. ‘Well, we've been going to Youth Club and we've met loads of cool people. Some of them are sixteen and they get us drink from the supermarket!'

‘Proper drinks, not cola,' adds Nat helpfully. ‘You know, with alcohol in it.'

‘Great,' I say weakly. Except I'm not sure that it is. ‘So what's with the clothes? Are you going out after the barbecue?'

‘No,' snaps Lauren. ‘This is what
normal
people wear, Erin. You know, if they want to not look like a geek.'

‘Oh,' I reply. ‘So are you saying that I look like a geek because I'm in jeans and a T-shirt?'

‘Yes, but don't worry,' says Nat. ‘We're here to help! I've got loads of new stuff in my room and we'll get you looking gorgeous in no time!'

‘Oh, I don't …' I start, but Nat has grabbed Picasso's lead from my hand and is crouched on the floor, tickling his tummy and making silly baby noises at him.

‘Loz – take her upstairs and get started. I'll be with you in a minute,' she tells Lauren.

‘I need to get some water for Picasso,' I say feebly.

‘I'll do it,' says Nat, stroking his back with long, firm strokes. Like the traitor he is, Picasso stretches out even more than his normal, extraordinarily long self and makes a sound that's almost like a purr. Sometimes I swear that he thinks he's actually a cat. He's unusual like that. Dachshunds are supposed to be suspicious of anyone who isn't their owner, but Picasso is just too daft to be wary of anyone.

Before I can protest, Lauren has put her arm round my shoulder and is leading me towards the throng of people milling about in Nat's garden. We push our way through, Lauren greeting people every two seconds while I look around in the pathetic hope that there might be somebody there who I know to say hello to. But there isn't. I think I see a boy from my maths class, but I've never spoken to him in my life before, so it's not
like I can just start up a conversation with him now.

Anyway, Lauren is obviously keen to get me inside before my fashion crime is noticed. She opens the back door and we step through into the kitchen. It's quiet in here and I relax, realizing that I'd been holding my breath as we walked through the garden.

But there's no time for chilling out and chatting. Lauren marches across the kitchen and into the hall.

‘Come
on
,' she says to me. ‘We've got work to do.'

I follow her upstairs and into Nat's room. It looks different from the last time I was in here and I look around, trying to work out what has changed. The first thing I see is a huge poster above her bed. I burst out laughing.

‘Since when has Nat been into
them
?' I ask Lauren. The poster shows five members of a boy band, posing and looking at the camera as if they are in love with it. The hair-gel brigade, we used to call them.

‘Duh – since
everyone
was into them,' says Lauren, opening the wardrobe door and pulling out several hangers with clothes draped on to them. Her voice makes it clear that I'm saying
something she thinks is stupid. Again. I decide to stop talking.

That lasts about ten seconds, though, because I think of something I really, really want to ask her.

‘Lauren,' I say, trying to sound casual.

‘Yeah?' The clothes she has piled up in her arms muffle her voice.

‘What's with the whole “Loz” thing?' I ask.

She flings the clothes on to the bed and looks at me.

‘It's my name,' she says, sounding a bit defensive.

‘But we've never called you that before,' I say. I know this is probably dangerous ground, because I can see Lauren's cheeks getting hot, but she's one of my best friends and I've NEVER called her Loz. Not ever.

‘Kieran thought of it,' she says, not looking at me.

My brain whirs as I try to make sense of this.

‘Kieran Peters?' I ask her. ‘Are you serious?!'

‘He's actually really nice, Erin.' Lauren is giving me her stern face now and I want to laugh, except I'm too shocked.

‘Er … Earth to Lauren. He's a bully and a try-hard and he thinks he's better than everyone else.
And he treats girls like they're a piece of rubbish. Tell me you're not going out with him. Please!'

Lauren's face is flushed a deep red, but she stares at me so hard that for a moment I don't recognize her.

‘You don't even know him,' she tells me. Her voice is quiet.

‘That's the whole point,' I howl at her. ‘I don't want to. And neither did you, before.'

‘Before what?' says Lauren. ‘Before you got yourself grounded and wasted your entire summer holiday? Before you started moping around the place, going on and on about your awful life? Before the only thing you could talk about was your mum leaving? The rest of us have got a life, Erin. And things change. They just do. Deal with it.'

I stand there, listening to Lauren's words and feeling shock roll over me. She's never spoken to me like that before. I don't know what to say to her so we stand in silence, looking at each other and wondering how it has come to this.

‘I'm sorry about what I said about your mum,' says Lauren eventually. ‘I know it's been really tough.' I nod, still unable to speak. ‘I just couldn't stand you talking about Kieran like that. He's OK, you know – once you understand him.'

There is no part of me that has any desire to understand why Kieran Peters behaves the way that he does. I just know that I've heard the way he talks about people and I was there last year when he punched a kid from Year 7 in the face and broke his glasses. And I've read too many bits of graffiti on the bus stop outside the school gates, where he writes about the girls he's dumped. Kieran Peters loves himself more than he could ever love anybody else in the whole wide world, and I can't bear to watch Lauren build him up only to be flung down when he gets bored of her.

But I can tell that she doesn't want to hear anything I've got to say. And best friends stick together, through thick, thin
and
Kieran Peters. I need to learn to keep my opinion to myself, I guess.

The bedroom door opens and Nat comes racing in. She takes one look at our faces and stops still, her hand flying up to her mouth.

‘You told her, then?' she asks Lauren, who nods.

‘Oh, I'm so glad you know!' shrieks Nat. ‘It's been horrible keeping secrets from you, but Lauren wanted to tell you herself. In person. I think it must be true love!'

Nat giggles and I wonder about the possibility of an alien abduction.

‘Anyway, we can't stand around here all day gossiping,' she says, clapping her hands together. ‘Loz, Kieran's looking for you.'

Lauren takes a step towards the door but Nat stops her. ‘I told him you'd be down in ten minutes. He said to tell you he'd be waiting for you!'

Lauren grins – a daft, goofy grin that normally I would tease her about. Now, though, I stay quiet. Nat picks up a dress from the bed and holds it in front of me.

‘Try this on,' she instructs me. I look down at myself and snort.

‘Are you joking?' I ask her. ‘Please tell me you're joking. I am NOT going out in public wearing THAT!'

Nat looks hurt. ‘Why not? What's wrong with it?'

I raise my eyebrows. ‘Come on! It's seriously short, it's a colour that I can only describe as
tangerine
and it looks like someone has thrown a tub of glitter on it.'

‘I bought this last week with my allowance,' says Nat. ‘I was actually being
kind
saying that you could wear it. It's brand new.'

Oh. There's not a lot I can say to this. Fortunately, Lauren takes pity on me.

‘Then you should definitely keep it for you to wear next week to Kieran's party,' she tells Nat. ‘Anyway, I think Erin would look amazing in that green top you've got.'

‘Ooh, yes,' agrees Nat. One of the great things about Nat is that she doesn't get offended very easily. Sometimes I think that's because she doesn't actually realize that she
should
be offended. Whatever the reason, it makes her a good friend.

Nat goes over to her chest of drawers and Lauren looks at me.

‘We OK?' she mouths.