Flesh: Part Fourteen (The Flesh Series Book 14) (4 page)

By the time the
operator tells me that they'll send a cab right over, Lucian has come
out of the restaurant as well. He looks tense, but I could not care
less. All I want to do is get away from him and stew in peace.

“
Amy,
come back inside.” He holds the door open for me.

“
No.
My cab will be here shortly.” I cross my arms over my chest,
refusing to turn to him.

“
I'll
take you home. Come back inside so we can talk about this first
though.” He nods towards the building.

“
I
don't want to talk right now Lucian, I just want to...I just need
space.” I hug myself tighter.

He sighs, “This
isn't how I thought this would turn out.”

“
Me
neither, obviously.”

“
Well,
I need to go inside and pay our bill. I'll come back out when I'm
done.” He leaves, and I listen to the soft whoosh of the door
slowly closing behind him. Everything in me prays that the taxi will
arrive before he has a chance to return. I'm so emotionally frazzled
that I can feel tears beginning to work their way towards my eyes.
Crying is the last thing I want to do right now. At least not when
I'm in public.

A hiccup rolls up
from my throat, bringing the first line of wetness to my eyes. I feel
played. All of those times that I thought Lucian and I were in sync,
that we were making progress towards normalcy—it was all
bullshit. I was blind to what he really wanted, and he thought he had
successfully manipulated me into being what he wanted me to be. We're
so mismatched it's not even funny. Why couldn't I see it until now?
Truly see it.

The door to the
restaurant opens, and I cringe as Lucian approaches out of my
peripheral vision. He has that damned contract in his hand, and I
half expect him to offer it to me again. Instead, he steps up beside
me and slides it back into his coat pocket, looking every bit as
awkward as I feel.

“
So
I guess I really screwed up?” He shifts his weight, pivoting
back and forth on his heels a few times before stopping.

“
I
screwed up too.” I run my tongue over my teeth, trying to
relieve some of the tension in my jaw. My face feels like marble.

“
How
so?” He turns to look at me.

“
For
being naive enough to think you might have eventually wanted more
than...” my voice trails off as I search for words.

“
More
than what?”

“
I
don't even know anymore.” I shake my head. Melancholy is
starting to take over with the realization that I wasted my time with
him. I wasted both of our time. This was never meant to be.

I feel his hand
touch my back, and it sends an unpleasant shiver rolling down my
spine. I want to jerk away, but I don't. Somehow, I feel like this
might be the last time he ever touches me. My body still wants to
savor it despite my heart bleeding in my chest.

“
Amy,
I care about you a lot. I know that you don't think it is, but this
is a really big step for me. Wanting to be exclusive with anyone...I
haven't felt that way in a long time.”

“
You
can be exclusive to me without making me your slave,” I snap at
him, forcing myself to pull away from his poisonous touch.

“
That's
not what this is about.” His expression is so pained that it
makes me avert my eyes. “Being a submissive...Yes, there's a
lot that goes along with it. But you should know that everything in
that contract is negotiable. We can compromise.”

I face him finally,
my hands going up towards his neck as if I want to strangle him
though I stop before they reach him. “Lucian, you don't get it.
You just don't get it.

“
I
have zero interest in being a submissive. I've never wanted to be
your submissive. I never will want to be your submissive. Now where
in the fuck is my taxi?” I gesture erratically at the street.

“
Let
me drive you home. There's no reason for you to be out money for a
taxi.”

“
It's
fine. I really don't mind.” I take a few steps away from him to
put distance between us.

“
Please.”

“
Do
you not fucking understand what the word no means?” I lash out
at him, all of the emotions inside of me swirling to the surface into
one big rage fit. “You're a surgeon. I thought you were smarter
than that. Wait, no. It's not because you're dumb. It's because
you're a selfish prick who is always used to getting what he wants.”

“
Amy,
you're not being fair.” He cocks his head to the side.

“
Life
isn't fair, Lucian. Get over it.” I shake my hands at him. “I
really don't understand how your wife dealt with all of your
bullshit. The woman must have been a saint. Or did you make her your
slave too?”

“
Leigh
wasn't into BDSM. She didn't know anything about it,” his tone
is unusually soft, and I can hear the pain weaved into it, which
instantly makes me regret striking such a low blow.

“
She
wasn't?” I ask, calming a bit.

“
No.
We had a regular, boring vanilla sex life.” Lucian shoves his
hands in his pockets, looking down at the concrete.

“
So,
you never told her you were into it?”

“
I
wasn't really into it at the time. I mean, I did want to do kinky
stuff with her, but it didn't really matter. BDSM wasn't an integral
part of my life until after she died.”

“
Oh.”
I bite my lip, trying not to get too sentimental over the fact that I
obviously hurt him. “Then why does it have to be a part of our
relationship?”

“
I'm
a different man now, Amy. I wish it wasn't so, but it is. This is
something I need in my life.” His eyes meet mine, and they're
all seriousness.

“
Can't
I just be enough for you?” The first tear cascades down my
cheek.

Lucian steps forward
and pulls me into his arms, and I don't stop him, quietly leaning
against his chest while I surrender to my sorrow. I wish he would say
something. Anything. But he doesn't. We simply stand there and
embrace. He rocks me gently, resting his head on top of mine and
occasionally kissing my hair.

Then my taxi pulls
up. Finally. But of course not at the right moment. I disengage from
Lucian, looking up at him pleadingly. His expression is surprisingly
hard. And then he does something that shatters my heart completely.

Without so much as a
goodbye, he opens the taxi door for me.

CHAPTER THREE

“
I
just want to die.” I sob into Janice's arms. Wrecking sobs. The
kind that leave your throat dry and your chest sore.

The pain I'm feeling
inside is almost unbearable, and I feel like it's my own fault that
I'm going through it. If I hadn't jumped to conclusions about the
contract. If I had just stayed in the restaurant and taken the time
to talk to Lucian, then maybe things would have turned out
differently.

“
Hey
now, it's going to be alright. This is a good thing.” Janice
strokes my hair.

“
How
is this good?” I pull away from her, sniffling. “My heart
is in a million pieces and I don't know if there's enough glue in the
world to put it back together. I can't believe I was so stupid.”
I rub my eyes, smearing my makeup.

“
Now
probably isn't the best time to tell you that I told you so, but it
will be coming later. You wait for it.” She points at me with a
smirk, trying to be playful, though it's entirely inappropriate at
the moment.

“
God,
Janice, I hate that I overreacted. I feel like I should call him.”
I grab my purse off of the coffee table and dig through it for my
phone.

Janice puts her hand
on my arm to stop me, her brown eyes meeting mine. “Don't.
You're emotional right now. Give it a day. You need to cool down and
collect your thoughts.”

I know she's right,
but I can't stand the thought of leaving things the way they are
between Lucian and I. Even though I still don't want to be his
submissive, I feel like this can be fixed somehow. I have to be able
to fix it. I was so mean to him. The memory of me bringing up his
dead wife makes me start crying all over again. What a horrible
person I am.

“
Hey.
You stop that right now.” Janice slugs me lightly on my
shoulder.

“
Ow.”
I rub it, scowling at her.

“
I
know what will make this better.”

“
Lots
and lots of chocolate cake.” I pout, hoping that my misery
coupled with the not so subtle hint will coax her into baking a cake
for us.

“
No.”
She rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

“
What
then?” I wrinkle my nose, disappointed.

“
You
should go to Flesh and fuck around with another Dom. That would
really tick him off.”

My mouth falls open
from the suggestion. “Janice Elledge!” I lightly backhand
her knee. “For one, I'm not a slut. And for two, I'm not
vindictive like that. I want to make things better between us, not
worse.”

“
Suit
yourself.” She shrugs. “I'm just saying that my Dom is
going to be free on Sunday night, and he's really good.”

“
How
do you know he's going to be free?” I quirk an eyebrow at her.

“
Because
I'm switching to a different Dom.”

“
Why?”
My eyes widen in shock. “I thought you liked your Sir.”

“
I
do like him, but I think I'm ready to kick things up a notch, and he
doesn't do a lot of the stuff I want to try.” She tilts her
head thoughtfully.

“
Well,
I'm still not interested. If things don't work out between Lucian and
me, then I don't want anything to do with the lifestyle ever again.”
I cross my arms over my chest.

“
That's
a pity. It can be really fun.” She grins.

“
To
each her own.”

“
Indeed.
Well, I need to get to bed. You should try to get some rest too.”
She pats my shoulder and stands.

“
Yeah.
Easier said than done.” I look up at her, a bit sad that our
talk is over. I know she needs sleep though, and so do I. It's going
to be another long day tomorrow. A day that I'm sure will be mostly
spent thinking about Lucian.

***

Despite our
conversation from the night before, there are no new emails from
Lucian in my inbox. Perhaps he has decided to abandon the project
after all. With all the low blows I threw at him, I wouldn't be
surprised. We left each other angry, and that's never a good thing.

Now that I'm at
work, I'm back in the mode of thinking that I should have just gone
along with whatever Lucian wanted until his interior design contract
was over. That would have been using him though, and I know it's not
right. I'd like to think that's not who I am, but I'm not so sure
anymore. This is the first time in a very long time that I feel like
I've lost my identity. Lucian has screwed me up so badly that I don't
even recognize the face staring back at me when I look in the mirror
anymore.

Perhaps the fight
was a good thing. Maybe I should be happy about it. Not long ago, I
wanted to get away from him, and now it seems that I have.

Hours of no actual
work makes me dwell on last night's conversation for most of the work
day. There's an intense feeling of guilt inside of me that won't go
away. At the very least, I need to apologize for some of the things
that I said to him.

Right before lunch,
I break down and send him a text message. “Hey, I just wanted
to apologize for last night. I feel so horrible about some of the
things I said. I do care about you greatly, and I was just upset.
Please forgive me.”