Flight to Darkness (9 page)

Somehow the only reality was the turgid
silence of Redfern who peered out the window. He smelled of sweat
and stale tobacco, resting inert in the seat, a quiet lump of tired
flesh. I had to shut up all the way.

Abruptly I was sick with the realization that
I was repeating over and over, an old phrase that I’d repeated in
my early boyhood. They can’t kill me anyway. They can’t kill me
anyway. . . .

It was a peaceful seeming place called the
Riverview Sanitarium. A broad doorway sloped above white-painted
cement steps beyond a curving sidewalk sided by immense green lawns
and shady trees. The Riverview Sanitarium. There was an old man in
a wheelchair out on the lawn in the blinding sunlight. A woman in a
bathrobe walked with a nurse, talking and gesticulating. Two other
men were mowing the lawn, far down beneath some trees while a male
nurse stood nearby. Over in the shadow of the sunporch on a long
wing of the building, still another woman, very shapely, lay on the
ground in a blue satin robe. A nurse sat in a chair, drowsing over
a book. The woman half sat up, watched our car, then suddenly
lifted her hands, stuck her tongue out at the car. The nurse
noticed and remonstrated with her. The woman cursed the nurse,
flopped over on her stomach, and began pulling the grass with both
hands.

There was a high hedge surrounding a good part
of the grounds. The main building was set well back, and was
sprawling and large. Other smaller buildings squatted in deeper
shadow.

Leda tensed against me. Redfern climbed out of
the car and walked around the other side.

“
Here we are,” Frank said. He was
cheerful.

“
Leda, what’s this all
about?”

“
It’s all right, I tell you,” she
whispered. “I talked it all over with Frank. It’s the only thing to
do. You’d be surprised how helpful he’s been. Really, Eric, you’ve
got your brother all wrong. I can’t understand it.”

“
Sure, sure.”

The young, freshly-shaven driver came around
the car and opened the door. Outside I felt no less foreign. There
was an aura of dead quiet around the place, just the whirring of
the lawn mowers and the chirping of a bird in the vacuum-like
silence.

I don’t know why I went along with everything
after that, but I did. Maybe I decided it was best to keep
still.

There was a nurse at the desk who took our
names. The nurse’s name was Watkins. Then we went through a large
sitting room. Another nurse sat at the far end. In an easy chair
near the doorway a blonde lounged. She was dressed expensively in
black dress trimmed with gold, and she was an amazingly beautiful
woman, with dark red lips and hot brown eyes. She uncrossed long
shapely legs as I passed her, and she nodded and smiled at me. Her
teeth were very white. She rose, stretched like a cat, thrusting
out her breasts, and said, “Oh damn,” at the ceiling. Then she
walked to the other end of the room. Her walk was the most terrific
thing I’d ever seen, without exaggeration.

We went on down a long hall, past another open
room with tables and books and magazines, then another hall at the
end of which was a room. My room. As I entered, I looked down the
hall. A man teetered in the doorway of the room at the other end of
the hall. He reeled around, and closed the door.

There was a bed, a bureau with a large mirror,
a closet, and two windows with Venetian blinds. The bed was very
neatly made with a brilliantly colored red-and-blue spread. It made
me remember all the other hospitals.

Frank stood in the doorway of the room and
Leda leaned against an armchair. Redfern came in, sat down on the
bed. He hadn’t taken off his hat and he breathed heavily. He cocked
his head at me, pursed his lips, stood up abruptly and left the
room.

I kept watching Frank. It didn’t seem to be
like the dream. Yet all the hate was there. I’d seen my brother and
nothing had happened. I wanted to tell Prescott.

“
How’s Mother?” I said. My voice
was flat, unfamiliar.

“
Not so good.” He shook his head.
“Doctor says she may pass away any time, Eric.”

“
I’ve got to get home.”

“
Whoa, now. You’ve got to stay
here. Wouldn’t do Mother any good to see you.”

“
Why hasn’t she
written?”

“
She can’t write.”

We looked at each other for a moment and he
got how I felt. His eyes clouded. He turned, left the room. I heard
him going down the hall.

“
What’s it going to be?” I said to
Leda. She looked lush, impatient. My voice was still
flat.

“
You’ll just stay here. A doctor’s
coming to see you.”

“
I don’t need a doctor. What’s the
idea?” I stood.

Leda dropped her purse into the chair and
moved toward me. “I’ll tell you this. Somehow they’ve checked and
found about your record in California. They know you’ve been
sick.”

“
There’s nothing wrong with me
now.”

Leda touched my shoulders. Her lips were damp.
She held her hips against me, then her breasts. The coppery sheen
of her hair came against my face. “You know I know best,
Eric.”

“
Sure.”

“
There’s nothing to worry about.”
She moved her hips.

“
Why am I here?” I almost shouted
it.

“
It’s best.” She held tighter,
moving her body in deliberate slow motion. “Frank’s only thinking
of your welfare. He’s really quite nice.”

I grabbed her, yanked her closer still. She
breathed heavily. “I can walk out of here,” I said.

“
Don’t try it. For my sake.” She
clung to me. “I could tell them not to disturb us for a while.
Maybe you’d feel better if . . .”

“
Yeah!” I shoved her away. “Great
God, Leda! What’re you trying to do?”

“
Calm you down.” She was perfectly
serious.

I went over and sat on the bed. Sure, I loved
her just as always. I’d probably love her forever. Maybe in a way I
wanted her right now, too. She was right. It might take some of
this pent-up feeling out of me. But not now, damn it. She’d been at
me ever since we’d been in the room. She’d shut me up like
that—only I wouldn’t let her.

I found myself thinking of the hate I felt for
Leda again. That sense of being drawn, yet repelled. For the moment
it looked as if I were stuck. The only person I had to bank on was
Leda. I didn’t know what she was thinking. I was fogged up too much
to figure things out. And she was saying nothing.

I hated the smell of this place. Swift
whisking footsteps came down the hall and a nurse entered. Hipless,
without breasts, she seemed to have been born in the uniform she
wore. The professional smile was no comfort. She had a button nose
and unseeing eyes.

“
I’m Miss Winney,” she said. “Would
you please get undressed and get in bed?”

“
Look, Miss Winney. Please go
away.”

“
Mr. Garth. Will you lie
down?”

“
I don’t feel like lying
down.”

“
I’ll have to see Miss Watkins.”
She was very stern. “These are her orders.”

“
Go see her, then.”

“
Please—” She glanced toward Leda,
tightened her lips, then whisked from the room.

Leda and I looked at each other. It was all
there; all the months we’d had together. But right now it seemed to
be fraying out like the end of a rope. I was sick with something I
couldn’t fasten onto.

“
Eric,” Leda said. “Will you do
everything they say? Will you promise? We’ve got to get the
hit-and-run charge straightened out.”

I didn’t say anything. Hit-and-run.
Allen.

“
A doctor is coming to see you. It
has to be this way.” She paused. “Won’t you be good, please? You
know how much I love you.” She moved close to me. “Frank’s working
everything out,” she said. “No one knows you had nothing to do with
that hit-and-run. It’s the way the law works, Eric. You know that.
Suppose Allen dies?” Her face was very serious.

“
All right,” I said. “I’ll shut up.
See what happens.” I figured I could walk out of here if need be. I
was worn out, ragged, didn’t want to talk anymore. Not even with
Leda. I had to be alone. I had to think. Everything was building up
into a grand mess. It was all going wrong inside, too—wrong with
us. There had been too many well-made beds, like this one. Too many
quiet, feet-down, antiseptic hallways. And me sitting here in the
same damned place, wondering what it was all about.

And then, looking straight into Leda’s eyes, I
knew something. . . .

I hadn’t met Frank. I’d met only the
artificial counterpart he used when in company. It had to be
alone—the two of us, face to face. I hadn’t met my brother. I
hadn’t seen him at all. Only the shadow behind his eyes that always
would be there. I hated him just as much as ever.

“
I’m going now, Eric.”

“
Yes.”

“
I’m staying at a hotel. I left the
Seven Pines.”

“
Would you tell Redfern I want to
see him?”

“
All right. I’ll be back sometime
this afternoon.”

“
I’ll try and wait that
long.”

“
Eric, do as they say!” Her voice
was strained. For an instant she came against me and we kissed. The
smooth, fresh roundness of her body was new and at the same time
known and good. I had asked for none of this—neither of us deserved
it. I knew Leda must be feeling rotten inside. Our plans were not
only delayed, but the edge was dulled. It was like returning to the
hellish, waiting months of not so long ago. Only this time patience
had little skin.

Leda was being kind now, trying to help me
feel all right.

“
Don’t feel bad,” she
said.

“
Sure.”

She squeezed my shoulder. Then she was gone
down the hall. I heard someone talking out there, heard her laugh.
Then it was quiet.

Pretty soon the nurse, Miss Winney, came into
the room.

“
Come on, now, Mr. Garth. Take your
clothes off.”

“
To hell with it.”

“
You shouldn’t talk like
that.”

I looked over at her, went over and lay down
on the bed. “This’ll have to do.”

Miss Winney pursed her lips. Then she came
over, took my pulse and blood pressure. I felt like a damned fool,
and knew I was just that. I didn’t know what I was here for. I
didn’t know anything.

The doctor, Ralph Barton, wore steel-rimmed
glasses and a brush cut. He sat in a chair across from the bed and
said nothing.

“
What’s the story, Doc?” I knew
better than to press him too far, or get mad. It wouldn’t help. I
knew these men.

He spread his hands, half smiled.

I thought it over. I really had nothing to
fear. I couldn’t go home because of the law. I had to stay in
Sordell.

Dr. Barton grunted. He stood up, short and
brisk in a short-sleeved tan shirt and gray trousers. He smiled
blandly. “See you,” he said. He nodded twice and left the
room.

I went over and sat in the chair. Miss Winney
came back, clung to the doorjamb and said, “We eat at
eleven-thirty. Be ready.” She fumbled her upper lips with a
pale-lower one. “You’ll do better if you cooperate,” she said.
“Your brother said to tell you not to lose your head and walk out
of here.”

“
Thanks.”

She smiled and went away. A little later I
went out into the hall, but Miss Winney appeared as if by magic.
“You’re to stay in your room, Mr. Garth.”

I sat on the bed for three-quarter of an hour,
hoping Redfern would show up. Finally I decided to try
something.

At eleven-thirty a colored girl in a red dress
and white plastic apron brought in my lunch tray and set it on the
table. The lunch was meager.

“
When does the staff eat?” I
said.

The girl was in a hurry. “They’s eatin’ right
now,” she said, and went on down the hall.

I waited a bit, then went on down the hall
into the sitting room. It was empty and nobody was at the desk. I
took my time, went out the front door and started down the walk.
The river was pale in the sunlight, flowing narrow and slow and
peaceful.

The guy was as big as myself, which is pretty
big. He was in good condition, dressed in white. He had large ears
and needed a haircut.

“
Where are you going?”

“
Taking a walk.”

“
Oh. Well, let’s get back to your
room, eh?”

“
Who’re you?”

“
I’m Jim.”

“
Why can’t I take a
walk?”

“
Now, look.” His face reddened a
bit. A heavy bunch of keys jangled at this belt, and his eyes were
mean in the sunlight, squinting just a little with not much nose
between them. “Come on, let’s not be difficult.”

“
Suppose I won’t go
back?”

He reached for my arm. I pulled away. He
reached again and this time his fingers sank in hard and sure and
his eyes grinned but his mouth didn’t.