Flow (The Beat and the Pulse #6) (17 page)

I
couldn’t even look
at her.

Storm had been harassing her again, and I couldn’t even look at her.

Staring at my reflection as I lifted a pair of dumbbells, I tried to concentrate on my breathing as I counted the repetitions. Left, right. Left, right. Left, right.

Goddammit, I was so angry with her. She had no right going to see Ma behind my back like that. She was sitting there, the two of them looking as thick as thieves, and it had just grated me the wrong way. Ma was sick, she didn’t need to be pulled from side to side.

I lost count of where I was up to and cursed aloud. Dumping the weights, I wiped the back of my hand across my sweaty brow.

“Someone’s got a feather up their butt,” Ash said behind me.

Why I chose to train at Pulse today was beyond me. Considering the mood I was in, my best friend and oversharer was going to cop hell.

Glancing at him in the mirror, I raised an eyebrow. “I broke up with Lori.”

“After a week?” he exclaimed, crossing his arms over his chest. “Why? I thought things were going okay?”

I snorted.

Ash rolled his eyes.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing.”

“I can tell you want to say somethin’ to me,” I said, turning to face him. “So just say it, and stop pussyfootin’ around.”

“You really want to hear it?” he asked, standing in front of me.

“Yeah, I really want to hear it.”

“You’ve been lying to me,” he said. “Probably since the day I met you.”

My expression dropped. “Lyin’ about what?”

“We’re best mates. I don’t know shit about your family or what you did before you started fighting. I don’t even know why you want to stay at The Underground.”

“The money’s good,” I said, curling my lip.

He eyed me up and down like he didn’t believe a single thing I was saying. “What do you need the money for?”

“Why all of the questions all of a sudden? Who have you been talkin’ to?”

Ash nodded across the gym. Glancing to where he gestured, I scowled. Rebel was hamming it up for his girlfriend, Charlie—the blonde with the tight little ass. They were throwing a medicine ball back and forth, looking the picture of ultimate happiness. In love or some shit.

“He’s observant,” Ash went on. “He’s been keeping an eye out and had some concerns.”

I remembered the night I almost smashed Storm out the back of The Underground. Rebel had been there and had stopped me from doing something stupid. In the aftermath, he’d said he would keep an eye on Lori. I didn’t know what the hell he’d seen, but it’d been too much. That thing I’d had with Lori, no matter how short-lived, obviously screwed with my facade. Secrets that didn’t need to be shared with anyone had simmered far too close to the surface if that little fucker had noticed something.

“Yeah, well he should mind his own business,” I snapped.

“What’s going on, Hamish?” Ash asked, looking concerned. “You know you can come to me, right?”

A week had passed since I’d kicked Lori to the curb, and Ma had gone downhill. I still hadn’t talked to Dr. Schwartz about the cancer test. I was alone in this, which was how I’d wanted it, but all I felt was angry. At who, I wasn’t sure anymore. I was angry with Lori, right?

“Hamish, for fuck’s sake!”

“Five years ago, my ma was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s,” I blurted, my voice sounding far away. “I fight to pay her bills. A few weeks ago, just after your weddin’, I found out her cancer was back. They gave her three months. I guess she has a month to live by now. I wouldn’t know. These things don’t have a timer.”

“Fuck, Hamish,” Ash cursed. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Most of the time, she doesn’t even know who I am,” I went on, the anger I’d been squashing down inside me starting to rise and break out of containment. “And I might have it, too. The cancer.”

“Can you get tested?”

I could hear his questions, but I wasn’t listening. He wanted to know so he could just shut the hell up and listen.

“I didn’t tell anyone. I don’t need anyone. I’ve never needed anyone’s fuckin’ help. Lori found out and went to see Ma behind my back. She wasn’t welcome.” I tightened my fists, fighting the urge to smash the mirror beside me. “She betrayed me. She—”

I raised my fist, wanting to tear down the entire world, and Ash sprang into action. Before I could even lash out, he shoved me back against the mirror, ramming his forearm across my chest.

“Get in the cage,” he commanded, jabbing his finger toward the padded octagon at the back of the gym. “You don’t smash shit in my gym. You beat it out in there. Got it?”

“Fine,” I snapped. Turning on my heel, I strode through the gym, oblivious to the people around us. It was still the ass crack of dawn, so only a few people were strewn across the complex. A couple of fighters lingered, watching our every move, including Rebel and Charlie.

Ash followed me without uttering a word. He pulled his T-shirt over his head, flinging it on the floor as he kicked off his trainers. Holding the mesh open, I ducked into the padded cage and began pacing.

“Put these on,” Ash snapped, throwing a pair of fingerless gloves at me. The kind that had padding across the knuckles.

Pulling the gloves on, I began to pace faster, the volcano of rage inside of me beginning to erupt.

“Take a shot,” he said, gesturing for me to take a swing. “
I can take it
.”

I took a swing, but he blocked the blow easily, shoving me away.

“You think you’re so fucking strong, keeping all that shit to yourself,” he taunted. “What good did it do you?”

“It’s family business,” I snarled, shoving him, my palms slapping against his tattooed chest.

“Was losing her worth it? Huh?” Ash circled around me and took a swing, his fist hitting the side of my head.

Dazed, I shook myself out and came back around, landing a vicious kick into his side. When the blow hardly moved him and he grabbed my shin, I began to remember how good a fighter he was. There was a reason he’d won so many bouts at The Underground.

He pulled my leg, and I landed on my back, but I wasn’t about to let Ash Fuller, of all people, best me. Kicking out with my left leg, I hooked my foot behind his knee and sent him tumbling off balance.

He landed hard, and I used the split second he was dazed to launch myself onto him. I punched him in the face, my gloved fist smacking into his temple.

“Did you love her?” he spat, lifting his forearms to protect his face from another strike. “Is that why you’re so angry? Huh?”

“You don’t know shit,” I roared, pummeling the side of his head.

He bucked underneath me, throwing my balance to the right, and I was on my back before I knew what was happening. I was one of those amateur assholes I manipulated in the cage over and over, using their anger to best them. Ash was trying to teach me a lesson, and I hated him for it. I knew I was being an asshole, but I didn’t want to forget. I didn’t want to forgive, either.
I didn’t need anyone
.

We rolled, grappling like a pair of idiots. I was vaguely aware we had an audience, but I couldn’t even see past my own bloody nose, which was actually bleeding down my face and smearing onto my chest. Ash didn’t even have a mark on him.

“
What the hell is going on?
” I could hear Ren shrieking at us as we beat the crap out of one another.

“Hi, honey,” Ash said as he kneed me in the balls. “We’re just having a wrestle.”

Her fingers curled through the mesh, and she shook the black nylon material with all her strength. “Stop it right now!”

“Let them go,” I heard Rebel say. “They’ve got a beef to work out. This is how guys work through stuff. It’ll be cool.”

“Having the owner beat up a client is not good for business,” Ren shot back.

“We’ll be done soo—” Ash spluttered as I rammed my fist into his stomach.

“Shut the hell up!” I roared.

“I fucking won’t,” he replied. “You’re dumb as dog shit. Giving up a woman like Lori. A woman who could look past all that bull crap and
still want you
. You kept all this shit from your best friends. You’re the selfish one, Hamish.”

You’re the selfish one.
His words hit home, and it hurt. He was right, and in that moment, I hated him.

“You think you’ve got all the answers,” I yelled at him. “Ash fuckin’ Fuller’s got all the answers with his
perfect life
.”

I thought he was angry before, but the look that passed over his face was nothing short of an inferno of rage. He snarled and shoved me off him with all his strength, and I went flying. He stood over me and punched me in the eye, stars exploding through my vision.

Moving behind me like he was made of lightning, he held me in a choke hold, pinning me against his chest, and I began to thrash. His grip was made of steel, and all I was doing was wearing myself out. No amount of grappling was getting me free, not in my state of mind. I was a ball of anger with no control over a single thing I was doing. I was a loose cannon.

“You listen to me,” he snarled as my chest heaved. “You calm the fuck down, then you get your phone and call that doctor. Get that test, Hamish. Then you call Lori and apologize. Get down on your hands and knees and beg for her forgiveness.”

“She needs to apologize to me,” I barked.

“She overstepped. I get it, but
you
were the one who destroyed your relationship. She wasn’t trying to hurt you or your mother, Hamish. What she did came from a good place. Dare I say it because I’m going to sound like a pansy, but it came from love. And you need to be with your mother, but not like this.”

I jerked against him. “
Fuck you
.”

“Let us help you,” he snapped. “
Let her help you
.”

I was so tired of fighting. So tired of trying to shoulder the burden placed on me. I was so bloody tired I just let my limbs go limp and sank the rest of the way to the floor, blood dripping out of my nose. Give it a few hours, and I was sure my eye would be black as hell.

“Can I let you go now?”

I nodded, and his grip loosened. Leaning over, I wiped at my nose, feeling more humiliated now than anything else.

Ash kicked my thigh gently, and I glanced up. He was holding out his hand, wiggling his fingers. With a sigh, I grasped his wrist, and he mine, and he hauled me to my feet.

“Never think you’re alone in this shit,” he murmured so only I could hear. He clapped his hand on my shoulder and tightened his grip on my wrist. “We’re here for you. Me, Ren, all these guys. No matter what.”

I nodded. The adrenaline in my body began to wear off and my eye began to throb.

Ash let me go. “Now go clean yourself up, and call that dude. Sounds like a plan, yeah?”

I was vaguely aware of Ren coming forward, then Ash holding her back. He’d tell her everything. All the gory details in their full glory.

“Let him go,” I heard him say.

“But—”

“He’ll be okay for now.”

It was a precarious situation when everything had a bad ending and you couldn’t do anything but deal. I was going to be okay…
for now
.

I walked into the change rooms with my shoes in my hand. I dumped them at the foot of my locker and pulled out a clean towel from my bag. Dabbing the corner up my nose to stem the flow of blood, I fumbled for my phone. If I was doing this, it had to be now, or I’d never get around to it. It was fear, plain and simple. I saw how sick Ma was, how sunken and tired she’d become, and I was afraid of it happening to me. Strength was the thing that defined me. To lose that…

Unlocking my phone, I scrolled through the contacts and found the number for Dr. Schwartz. Pressing his name, I let the call connect, and it rang five times before someone picked up.

“Hello?”

I almost hung up, but I sucked up my stupid pride. “Dr. Schwartz? It’s Hamish McBride.”

“Mr. McBride,” he said. “What can I do for you?”

“I want to take the test.”

I
quit
.

The words still echoed through my mind, clear as the moment I’d spoken them to the new bar manager.

I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit
.

After a week of being ignored by Hamish, I couldn’t take it anymore. It hurt way more than I could handle, so I pulled up stumps and called it a day. I was invisible, and it was the worst possible punishment he could’ve dished out. The only thing left in my power was to remove myself from the situation.

Truthfully, getting out of that place had been a long time coming, and the second I’d walked through the doors and out into the cool Melbourne nighttime air…the relief was instantaneous. It was like I’d been carrying around a pile of rocks on my shoulders, and the moment I’d stepped across the threshold, they’d crumbled into dust.

Hamish didn’t want me. He couldn’t even look at me, so the odds that he’d even realize I was no longer an employee at The Underground would be slim to none.

I loved Hamish, but I’d also lost the chance to get to know his mother. The time I spent talking with her was etched into my mind with laser beams.

I glanced up as Bel shuffled into the lounge room. I was curled up on the couch in my pajamas, looking up how to write a resume on Google. The last time I’d written one of these was like five years ago. When I got the job at The Underground, they didn’t give a shit about past work experience or state legislation that said I was qualified to serve alcohol. I had boobs, knew how to pour a beer, and was desperate enough to take a job in a place where men and women beat each other up for money…illegally.

“What’s up?” Bel asked, sitting on the couch next to me.

“I’m looking up how to write a resume,” I replied, scrolling through the search results.

She straightened up, her hand grasping my wrist. “Wait.
What?
” Her fingernails dug into my skin. “Don’t tell me you quit working at that hole?”

I nodded. “Yep. I now realize it was long overdue.”

“So you and Hamish… You’re really over for good?”

I grimaced as a fresh stab of pain jabbed into my heart. “You got that, huh?”

“You were happier than I’ve seen in forever for about a week. Then it was like you were back in the post-Storm days.” She shrugged, looking sheepish. “If I wasn’t so wrapped up in work lately, I would’ve said something. I’m sorry.”

I’d never really seen Bel as a best friend before. A housemate, yeah, but more than that? She’d always been around, but we’d never crossed streams. Her life was one hundred percent different to mine, and we never hung out outside of the house. She was just…there.

“It’s fine,” I said. “It was all my fault, so I’ve only got myself to blame.”

“What’s that meant to mean?”

“His mum is sick,” I explained. “Cancer. He never told me about her, and I went to see her behind his back. I assumed he’d be there and I’d confront him about it, but he wasn’t… Then he walked in on me talking to her.”

“Oh hell.”

“Yep. Pretty much. She doesn’t just have cancer, Bel. She has early onset Alzheimer’s, and Hamish is the only person there to take care of her. I don’t think he ever told anybody. Not his friends, not me, not his ex. Nobody.”

“Are you serious?” Her mouth dropped open. “He was keeping all that to himself? Either he has some giant balls or he’s a proud pig who thinks he doesn’t need any help.”

“That’s the thing. I wanted to help him. I wanted to be there…” I swallowed a sob that had worked its way up my throat. “He didn’t trust me. He didn’t want me there. He bit my head off and kicked me to the curb. Dumped me on the spot. Ever since, it’s like I don’t exist to him. He just…he stares right through me.”

Bel nudged me. “Then is it all worth it? Being cut up over how he dumped you? If he didn’t care enough to trust you when you laid it all out, then maybe it’s a good thing you’re not together anymore.”

I snorted, turning my attention back to the laptop. “It doesn’t matter. What does is that I need a new fucking job.”

Actually, it mattered a great deal, but I wasn’t going to keep hashing it out to Bel. All she’d say was that I was better off without a guy who treated me like I was a sex toy. I knew it hadn’t been like that, not with Hamish.

I’d done more than step into a place where I didn’t belong. I crossed a line into something private and deeper than a mere betrayal. We were talking about his terminally ill mother. Hamish was well within his rights to treat me like he had.

“I was so fucking stupid,” I said, my eyes misting.

Bel frowned but didn’t say anything. Instead, she gestured for the laptop. “Gimme. Looks like I’ve got to lend you some of my expertise.”

Taking the laptop from my lap, she began closing out of the screens I had open. Her fingers kept bashing on the wrong keys, and she cursed under her breath. “This stupid bandage gives me the shits,” she said, holding her fingers up. “Remind me never to try to cook again. I like having tendons. Remind me about the tendons and the surgery and all the things, okay?”

“Things didn’t go well with the chef?”

She waved her fingers in my face. “What do you think?”

“Point taken.”

I watched as Bel clicked open the word processor and began setting up a resume. She plugged in my name and address, and then I leaned over to put in my mobile phone number.

“Now work experience,” she said. “Hit me.”

I rattled off the jobs I’d had since leaving high school. That crappy position flipping burgers at a fast-food restaurant, and then once I’d gotten my responsible service of alcohol certificate, the various bars I’d worked at. When we got to The Underground years, I hesitated.

“I can’t exactly put that I’ve been working the bar at an illegal cage fight for the past three years,” I said. “That’s a huge gap to fill.”

Bel winked and wiggle her eyebrows. “That’s where I come in.”

“Should I be worried?”

She waved me off and resumed typing. “Leave it to me. I’ve got your ass.”

I watched as she filled in my work experience, using buzz words like prioritize, effective communication, and leadership.

“Effective communication?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.

“It’s corporate jargon for being able to deal with assholes,” she explained. “I assume a place like The Underground has its fair share.”

More than, actually. I supposed she was right about that part. It took a woman with big balls to deal with the chauvinistic culture in a place like that.

“What happens when they want to check references?” I asked. “Assuming I can actually get an interview.”

“I’ll give them my number,” she said. “Now when people call to check up on you, they’ll be calling me.” She ended the reference section with a flourish, thumping her bandaged fingers on the keyboard. “I’m a damn fine actor. Just ask any of the guys I’ve been out with in the past five years.”

I pretended to throw up. “Pass.”

“Now here are a couple of good websites to check for job listings, but I think you should print out a hundred of these suckers and go to all the bars you can find. They can have high staff turnovers, so you might have better luck that way. It’d be faster too.” She looked me up and down. “With your style, there are a ton of little holes-in-the-wall in Fitzroy you can try. If you want to go further, there’s always St. Kilda, but it’s a pain in the ass to get there from our place. Parking is shit and so is public transport.”

She had a point. “I’ll try Fitzroy first.”

“I think you’ll be good with this. If you need help with a covering letter, just let me know.”

“Thanks, Bel,” I said. “I really need all the help I can get.”

It wasn’t just help with a resume, it was help moving on with my life. I couldn’t wallow forever, I just had to admit my mistakes and let Hamish care for his mother in peace. I didn’t know how much time they had left together but it mustn’t be long. She’d been bright but tired, her skin gray like… I couldn’t even say it.

The only thing I could do, that I thought was right, was to leave him be. It wasn’t about me and the feelings I had for him. It was about his mother, and I wasn’t a part of it, no matter how much I wanted to be there for them both.

Shit, one little conversation with Mrs. McBride and I’d fallen for her, too. She was so nice…

“I’m glad you got out of that place,” Bel said, pulling me back to the present.

I smiled, but even I knew it didn’t reach my eyes or my heart. “Yeah. Same.”

“Just think. You can do anything you want now.
Anything
.”

It was a romantic notion, but in the wake of Hamish McBride and the future I saw with him, nothing seemed worthwhile.

“Yeah,” I murmured. “Sounds good.”