Fly: A PORTAL Chronicles Novel (The PORTAL Chronicles) (18 page)

“Really?”

He suddenly found his hands very interesting. “Of course. We were friends.”

“Oh, of course,” I agreed, trying to hide my disappointment. Though, after the emotional famine I’d withstood, I wasn’t about to be choosy. I would willingly take what I could get. A good friend was a good friend. Period.

“So, then what is up with you and Hagen? Are you still dating?”

I shrugged. “We another little tiff tonight, so I don’t exactly know where we stand.”

“Yeah. I saw,” he blurted.

My eyes shot up. “What?”

He looked bashful. “I drove into town to buy the groceries Mia needed to cook tonight. When I was carrying them in, I saw you two in his truck.”

“And what? You just stood there and watched?”

Everett shrugged. “I felt a little protective.”

I didn’t know how to feel about this. “And what did you see?”

“Everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything,” he nodded.

“You saw everything,” I repeated. Letting it sink in, I was astounded that I didn’t feel the slightest bit embarrassed but strangely relieved to share the experience with him. Maybe Everett could help make sense of things. I suddenly started laughing. The perplexed look on Everett’s face relayed his confusion, making me laugh even harder.

“What’s so funny?” he asked, skeptically frowning but smiling.

“Poor Hagen,” was all I could say, wiping tears from my eyes. “He tries so hard to kiss me, but nothing works. He must be so… discouraged.” I broke into another gale of laughter.

“Hold up.” Everett’s eyes lit up. “You two haven’t kissed yet?”

“Nope.”

“And that’s funny because… ?”

“He tried to make a move tonight and I kind of… freaked out.” Picturing what I must have looked like, I erupted into harder laughter.

“Why won’t you kiss him, if you don’t mind me asking?”

The question sobered me. “Since when do you care if I mind?”

“True.”

I thought about it a moment. “I can’t bring myself to kiss him. Something is missing with us.”

“Do you mind elaborating?” Everett asked. He seemed to be enjoying this, but I didn’t care. I needed a sounding board.

“I think it all goes back to Hagen’s Jekyll and Hyde complex. He’s totally two-faced and I don’t trust him. He makes fun of pretty much everyone behind their back, which leaves me asking if he genuinely likes anyone, including me. I don’t know. He’s never been mean to me, but the more I’m around him and see his bad side, the more I think it’s only a matter of time. I hate to say this, but I don’t think he’s a very good person.” Everett frowned. His arms were crossed and he seemed to be thinking. “So when it comes to kissing him, I think I don’t feel comfortable doing it because I don’t like him. I don’t like who he is. That sounds awful.”

“And what about tonight?” Everett asked.

“Tonight was crazy,” I began. “We were talking and then he got this look in his eye — the same look he gets every time he’s about to try. I looked into his eyes and a numb feeling washed over me and this thought dropped into my head. It told me to kiss him and get it over with. But this other voice was telling me not to. I fought over it in my head a bit before deciding to kiss him, but when he leaned in, everything sort of… changed.” I paused, not knowing how to explain it.

“What changed?”

“I dunno. It was like someone threw a switch in my head that hadn’t been on before. For the first time, I could think straight. I could step back and see the situation for what it really was. And in a split second, I decided I didn’t like Hagen and didn’t want to kiss him, and, when he was finally about to kiss me, I heard my own voice yell ‘stop!’ really loudly. I honestly thought I had audibly yelled at Hagen, but it was all in my head. If that wasn’t awkward enough, I then realized I was pressed against the passenger door. After that, I made an excuse and got out as quickly as I could.”

Everett listened intently, a smile forming at the corners of his mouth.

“So, what do you think, Doc? Am I clinically insane?” I asked.

“I hardly think you’re insane, Sophie. Just conflicted.”

“It doesn’t take a genius to tell that.”

His face grew serious. “Sophie, you’re amazingly perceptive. I’m honestly surprised. You have excellent instincts.” He leaned forward. “Can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

“I hear voices too.”

“You do!?!”

“Well, in a way, but it’s more like intuition, Sophie. You somehow know things about people without knowing how you know.” He laughed. “Does that make sense?” I nodded. “You have all the answers, you just have to listen to the… voice in your head, as you called it… and trust what it tells you.”

“You’re telling me to embrace the voice in my head?” I asked, surprised.

“Absolutely. Has it not led you to truth concerning Hagen? You’ve realized he’s a master manipulator. He relies on his looks and charm and — whatever it is he does with his eyes — to get what he wants, but you’ve seen through the lies.”

“Yeah, but what if he’s not bad at heart? Maybe he’s insecure and doesn’t trust people to let his guard down,” I reasoned, wanting to believe Hagen was good even though the evidence proved otherwise. I longed for validation that I hadn’t wasted three months of my life on him, that it wasn’t a mistake.

“Sophie!” Everett sounded frustrated. “Listen to yourself. You should trust that he’s not good for you — as that is what you’ve been telling me — and move on.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to leave him, though.”

Everett shook his head, exasperated. “Hey, it’s your neck.” The way he said it, like it was life or death, sent chills down my spine. “And for the record, he’s not good enough for you.”

“Not good enough?” I sputtered. “He’s the most popular guy at Brightman. Any girl at school would kill to date him, and yet, he chose me!”

Everett looked disgusted. “You sound like a running advertisement for him. Did he tell you that?”

I hoped my face wasn’t telling. “No!”

“Fine. He chose you, but what do you want, Sophie?” Everett asked, raising his voice. “Honestly! It kills me to see you settling.”

“I’m not settling. Hagen’s popular, handsome, and nice.”

“You’re contradicting yourself,” Everett yelled. “Is Hagen who you want?”

“I don’t know!” I screamed, on the verge of tears.

Everett threw up his hands, clearly angry, causing something inside me to go off.

“No!” I yelled. “You do not get to be mad at me and you do not get to judge me. Not this time.”

“What?” Everett asked, eyes blazing.

“I didn’t choose Hagen because I wanted to. You gave me an ultimatum that was a lose-lose situation for me: a choice between you, a harshly truthful guy who seemed bipolar and had a ton of baggage, or Hagen, who, at the time, seemed friendly, outgoing, and accepting. But still, I wanted to be with you, not Hagen. I said as much the day you made me choose.”

I softened as memories returned to me, continuing more quietly, “I loved that day at the bookstore with you and Mia, and then orientation the next day. We were great together. We had so much fun and it was effortless. But it was just a facade — a carrot in front of my face. As soon as I bit — as soon as I chose you — you shut me down.” I began to cry, unable to stop the flow of emotion now. “So don’t you dare act like the hero now, asking me what I want, because you clearly didn’t care when it really counted.”

Everett looked stunned. “Sophie. I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I know I pushed you into Hagen’s arms, but I never saw it quite like that.”

“It’s fine,” I lied. “It was just really hard. I already felt rejected by my dad and then by you too… all in a matter of a few days.”

Everett’s face fell. “Please don’t cry. I never meant to reject you. Like I said, if I could redo that day, I would in a heartbeat. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“Thank you,” I said, wiping my eyes. “But if we are going to be friends, I need you to understand. I had to survive at Brightman somehow and Hagen, despite his many flaws, provided me with an identity, security, and a place where I belonged. That counts for something. I’m torn on whether I’m done with him because there was a time when he was there for me when no one else was.”

“You mean, when I wasn’t,” Everett read between the lines.

“I’m just saying you don’t know Hagen like I do.”

“I know him better than you think,” Everett said softly.

“Sure,” I said, too spent to fight.

“I’m honestly relieved you haven’t fallen for him because there are things you don’t know about him, things he’s hidden from you.” I looked at Everett skeptically and he added, “Like, after you ran from his car tonight, he left campus for JB’s, a bar in town.”

“How do you know?”

“Sophie, I… care about you… a lot. As you know, I’ve never had a good feeling about Hagen, so I’ve kept an eye on him. He was also at JB’s on Wednesday after he left your dorm.”

I slapped my hand over my mouth.

“Your beloved boy toy lives a double life,” Everett said calmly.

I was stopped in my tracks. It was like the room had been spinning all around me and now came to a sudden halt. Everything stood still. I could hardly breathe. It was just as Everett had said about my intuition. I’d had inklings that there was more to Hagen than he let on but always dismissed those thoughts, thinking them too bizarre to actually be true.

“I’ve said too much,” Everett said, looking distraught. “I’m sorry. This was a bad idea. I’ll stop.”

“No, please. Tell me more. I’ve been hanging out with Hagen for over three months now. I deserve to know.”

A knock came at Mia’s front door then.

Everett got up and looked into the door’s peephole before whispering, “Speak of the devil. It’s Boy Toy.”

Chapter 23

Means to an End

My mind reeled. What was Hagen doing at Mia’s? After my escapade, he was probably looking for me, but I didn’t want to see him.

“He’s probably looking for you,” Everett said, confirming the thought.

“I told him I had to write a paper tonight,” I explained, trying to think fast. “Give me a second before you answer the door.” I was already up and running for my dorm.

“Are you sure you want to see him?” Everett called.

“No,” I answered truthfully, pausing at the adjoining door. “But I should.”

“Just promise me you’ll do what’s best for you. And be careful.”

“Okay.”

I ran to my room, turned on my desk lamp, and frantically searched for my backpack among the towels and clothes littering the floor. Finding it, I yanked the zipper open and poured its contents out on my bed, grabbed the library books I’d checked out for my paper, and splayed them over my desk. Plopping down at my desk, I concentrated on controlling my breathing, knowing the charade wouldn’t be believable if I was out of breath. For good measure, I found my iPod and, turning the volume up, plugged the earbuds into my ears.

Hagen peeked into my bedroom just then.

“Hagen!” I greeted him, trying to sound enthusiastic yet a little surprised. “How’d you get in here?” I pulled my earbuds from my ears.

“Everett let me in through Mia’s dorm,” he answered. I noticed how he spit Everett’s name. “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for the past hour.”

“I’ve been here in my room,” I replied innocently. “I took a bath and now I’m working on my research paper.” I held up a book.

“But I’ve been calling you. When you didn’t answer, I finally decided to come over and see if I could talk to you in person. Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

I thought fast. Where was my cell? Finding my purse on the bed, I took out my phone. Sure enough, there were thirty-two missed calls. “I’m so sorry. I set the ringer to silent when we were at dinner tonight.” It was the truth.

“Oh. Then why didn’t you answer your front door?”

“I was listening to music,” I said, pointing to my iPod.

Hagen exhaled exasperatedly, sitting on my bed. “I was worried about you, Sophie.”

I felt bad for having put him out, but only a little. Between my awkward moment with Hagen earlier in the night and fear of the unknown things Everett never got to tell me about him, I was on edge.

“Sorry. I guess I was in the zone. You know how I get when I’m doing my homework.”

“The way you enjoy school is deplorable,” he scoffed. I was relieved he was buying it. “By the way, keep the door that connects to Mia’s place shut.”

I didn’t like his tone. “Why? I like Mia.”

“Yeah, but Everett is over there. He could barge in on you. That’s not safe or smart.”

His attitude rubbed me the wrong way. Who was he to arrive unannounced, guilt trip me, and then chastise me? I wasn’t having it. “Thanks for the lecture, but I trust Mia’s taste in friends. And Everett is harmless.”

“Whatever! Everyone knows Mia is a mindless debutard and Everett is a freak. You’ve heard the rumors about him.”

“No, I haven’t,” I clarified. “Nor do I care to,” I added, knowing how much Hagen loved to gossip. I feigned interest in my book hoping he would get the hint and leave.

“I wouldn’t trust that guy. If you heard what people said about him, neither would you.” The hatred in his voice threw me. It was my turn to scoff. “I’m serious,” Hagen said, growing angry. “He could be a maniacal murderer lying in wait or a serial rapist. People lie about who they are all the time. He could have a double life or something.”

I froze, my intuition telling me Hagen was talking more about himself than Everett. “Stop being dramatic. No high school student is smart enough to pull off the intricacies of having a double identity.”

“It’s easier than you think,” Hagen said cryptically. “If he got away with murder, there’s no telling what else he’s capable of.”

“Murder?”

“You weren’t joking. You seriously haven’t heard.” He seemed fascinated.

I continued pretending to read. “I don’t have time for this. I need to finish my paper.”

“The story goes that Everett has — or had — a twin brother,” Hagen said, ignoring me. “His name was Benjamin. They attended Brightman and were really popular, made good grades, were sports heroes — the whole nine yards. Then last spring, everything changed.” My interest piqued, I looked up. Hagen smiled, reveling in my full attention. “Benjamin disappeared. No one knows what happened to him. Search parties were sent out all over town. Much of Brightman’s student body even helped, but nothing was found.”