Flying Backwards (20 page)

He twisted in his seat to look at her, but she looked straight ahead to avoid being tempted by him.

“Feelings aside, we want different things.” Nora did not think their relationship was really that important to him. After all, he was gorgeous and successful, and he admitted he had many girlfriends.
I am a plaything to him
, she thought. To be fair, he had been honest with her. Nora reminded herself she had been rebounding from a long-term relationship. Rebounds are never a sure thing. Everyone knows that. They had a physical relationship–that was it.

“We want to be together. That is the same thing. I told you, you have my heart. And I’m not getting married for a very long time. Things may even change. But right now, I know we are supposed to be together. Please consider this. We can make it work.”

She turned to him. “I don’t think so.” She rested her hand on his cheek. “I think this is our last night together.” He closed his eyes and leaned toward her. Their foreheads touched, and she whispered, “You know I’m right.” He opened his eyes. They were filled with sorrow.
This is hard on him
, she realized.

“I hope you change your mind. Can I see you when you are here on your next layover?” He pulled back, giving her puppy-dog eyes.

“I’m going to take trips to other cities for a while.” Her heart felt heavy. “Antonio, this is hard for me, too, but I think it is for the best.”

“Can I call you? I like the sound of your voice. I don’t want you to forget me.”

“That’s not a good idea,” she discouraged him. Nora felt tears stab at the back of her eyes, but she held them in check. She would miss his glorious body, his dark wavy hair, and his soulful eyes. But she held strong, staying her course. Nora had changed now, and she knew she wanted more, just as when she’d been with Phillip. Change was hard; decisions were sometimes hard, but she was at a place where she could make them confidently.

But it pained her to see the longing in his eyes.

“Nora, may I kiss you good-bye?”

She didn’t say no. He leaned forward, and she slid her hand behind his neck and into his hair. She wanted one last long kiss. She would remember him like a delicacy, something she would savor for as long as she could. She was grateful he had saved her that day in the alley, and she would never forget how desired he had made her feel. She kissed him passionately before pulling away. She slipped from his grasp. “Good-bye, Antonio.”

He sighed. “Until we meet again, Nora.”

Nora slipped from the car without a backward glance and hastened across the street, the tears she’d held in check earlier now rolling down her cheeks. She dashed them away, telling herself she could move on to other possibilities.

* * *

Nora was already feeling emotional when she rode in the employee bus to the parking lot in Philadelphia. And then she retrieved a message from her phone to call home right away. She sprinted off the van, tossed her luggage into the trunk, and slid in behind the wheel of her Ford Escape. She frantically called her mother. She listened in horror as her mother told her that Victoria had been rushed to the hospital; she’d lost the baby.
No!
Nora’s eyes burned and her throat felt raw.

“She’s tried for so long. She was so happy. Is she okay physically?” Nora asked her mother. Nora couldn’t imagine how distraught her sister must be.

Her mother explained Victoria was all right, but she was devastated. Victoria had been almost six months along with a boy. They had named him and were planning a small funeral service for Friday morning.

Nora hung up and calmed herself down, and then she drove to her townhouse to repack her bag. Within thirty minutes she was back on the road, heading to her parent’s house. Nora called Bree and sniffled her way through the conversation. Bree consoled her as well as a close friend could.

Nora drove down a familiar tree-lined street. She lowered the volume on the radio; she hadn’t been listening anyway as her mind tried to wrap itself around this terrible situation. She steered the car into her parent’s driveway, where her safe and loving family lived. She had distanced herself, and she felt the true impact of that now.

It was a quiet Thursday morning. Nora’s dad’s car was gone.
He must be at work.
Nora’s mother met her at the back door. “Hello, stranger.” Heidi’s voice was low, but she smiled at her daughter. The “stranger” part stoked Nora’s guilty conscience.

“Hi, Mom.” They embraced, synchronized in sadness.

“Honey, I’ve missed you.” Heidi patted Nora’s cheek before she went to get her daughter some coffee. They sat for a few minutes discussing tomorrow’s plans. After a little while, they went to Victoria’s house to sit with her for the afternoon.

Perry, Victoria’s husband, answered the door. Nora hugged him and offered her condolences. He only replied, “He was a boy, a son.” He led them to the bedroom. Victoria was propped against some pillows watching the Food Network on the television.

“Eleanor!” Victoria sounded surprised. When Nora rushed to hug her she acted polite. “How are you? Where have you been flying lately?”

“I just got back from Rome,” Nora quickly answered. “How are you feeling? I’m so sorry.” She gripped her sister’s hand and searched her face. Victoria was pale, her lips pinched. Her eyes were heavily lidded. Nora looked at Perry with a question in her eyes, and he nodded. They had medicated her sister.

Nora talked with Victoria for a while, awkwardly keeping the conversation light. She wanted her sister to know she was there for her. When Victoria whispered she was tired, they left so she could sleep. Heidi told Perry she’d go home and make a casserole to bring back for dinner. She’d return with Russ as soon as he was home from work. Nora decided to stay with Perry, to be there when her sister woke up.

Perry confided in Nora that their marriage had been strained while they were trying to have a baby. Trying to get pregnant the usual way had given way to rounds of fertility shots and visits to specialists. “She wanted to have a child so badly that she was getting obsessed with it. And when she finally was… She’s been so happy.” Nora watched the play of emotions across his face shift from wonder to devastation. “And then …” His eyes filled with tears. Nora was swallowing her tears, nodding in understanding.
It just isn’t fair.

The next day was awful. Victoria was sedated for the funeral. The air was static and sticky. The smell of lilies began to make Nora nauseous. No one should witness a tiny coffin in a quiet cemetery. Victoria had been showing a hefty baby bump. After the miscarriage she couldn’t quite fit back into her regular clothes, so she had to wear a loose-fitting maternity dress. The funeral was attended by the immediate family and Victoria’s best friend and her husband. Nora, who knew Victoria’s best friend well, was thankful her sister had a good support system, especially because Nora was so far away. Guilt that she had hardly been home to see her pregnant sister ate away at Nora.

That evening was hard to get through. Perry and her mother agreed to stop the medication, and Victoria’s dammed-up emotions poured out. By the time they left her sister’s house, Victoria’s sobbing had subsided, her emotions spent. She thanked her family for being there for her and held Perry’s hand in quiet alliance.

That night Nora lay in her old bed in her childhood room. It felt nostalgic and comforted her. Despite the tragic circumstance, Nora hadn’t realized how much she needed this reprieve. She missed her family.

On Saturday morning, Nora came downstairs to find her mother in the kitchen preparing for the next day’s catering job. Lizzy was walking in the door carrying grocery bags.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Lizzy said to Nora as she plunked the bags on the counter. Her mother murmured, “Good morning,” and paused from stirring a pot to pour Nora some coffee.

Nora glanced at the clock: 9:40. “Wow, you’ve already gone to the store?”

Lizzy nodded. “Yeah, Mom needs help with the prep for tomorrow’s job, a family reunion for seventy-five people. She needed a few things at the store.”

“Mom, what can I do to help,” Nora immediately offered.

“Nothing, honey. I’ve got everything under control.” Heidi went back to stirring the pot. “Once this is done we can go see your sister. The doctor wants her off her feet for a couple weeks, so Lizzy is going to give me a hand.”

Nora pondered the idea of irresponsible Lizzy filling her competent sister’s shoes. Normally Victoria wouldn’t allow it.

Nora needed to get back to Philly tomorrow morning because she had a trip later that afternoon. As it was, she would be pushing the time limit. She had rushed here and so would need to wash her uniform and repack.

Her old sense of family obligation crept in.
I should help. Maybe I should call in sick. My family needs me.
A sudden sensation of anguish washed over her.
I have let my mom down. I promised to come home often. I selfishly left my family, and they have been so good to me. They love me; they support me.
Her emotions running high, she stood watching Lizzy take her place.
Lizzy!
Nora should be proud that her unruly little sister was stepping up, but she felt resentful.
Am I needed here?

Nora silently helped Lizzy unpack the bags. Soon they drove to Victoria and Perry’s house.

Nora found Victoria in the room they had been decorating as a nursery. There was a fresh coat of taupe paint on the walls. The maple furniture was in place, and the shelves were hung. Victoria was a planner and had various ideas gleaned from magazines mapped out for the room. She sat in the rocker, staring out the window into the backyard where she had envisioned her children playing. Nora’s movement interrupted her hypnotic gaze.

“Hi, how are you feeling today?” Nora spoke softly, as if not to spook her sister.

Victoria shrugged her shoulders. After a long pause she spoke. “I want a baby, and I’m not going to give up.” Victoria swallowed her remaining tears. She sounded resolute. “I need some time to morn my little boy. Eventually I’ll try again. Maybe we’ll adopt.”

Nora ran her hand along the crib rail. “Of course,” she agreed, believing her determined sister would achieve whatever she wanted. “You will be a great mom.” Nora focused on the crib sheet with tiny airplanes on it. “If you want, I can call in sick for a few days.” The tiny planes had clouds stitched around them. “Mom said Lizzy was around, but I can help, either here with you or with Mom.”

Victoria scanned the room until her eyes rested back on Eleanor. “No, don’t do that.” Nora’s head snapped up and Victoria continued, “You need to stick with what you are doing. It’s your life, Eleanor. Do what is going to make you happy. I realize I may never give birth to a child, but I will be a mother someday. Find what it is you want and go for it. I know things weren’t working for you here. I know I’ve asked a lot from you in the past.” Victoria regarded her a moment, “You were right to break things off with Phillip, even though I thought you were crazy at first.”

Nora and Victoria had never been particularly close, but when Victoria divulged her most personal feelings to Nora, for the first time she felt an unusual sisterly bond with Victoria. It was as if she had somehow grown up in Victoria’s eyes. Indeed, Nora felt worldly. But most importantly, she felt justified in her choice.

* * *

Bree met Nora at the door, and they hugged. Nora related the miserable story but ended on a positive note, explaining that she’d felt touched when Victoria showed her support for the choices she’d made. Nora slipped away then to get her laundry and packing done.

She met Bree in the kitchen for a late lunch. Heidi had sent her daughter home with a cooler filled with homemade comfort food. “I told my mom I’m leaving tonight, but she insisted I bring all this food for you.” They assembled chicken salad sandwiches on huge croissants and sat savoring the flavors. When they’d finished, Nora could see Bree had something to tell her; she was beaming.

“Guess what! I just heard that I’ve been accepted for the international flight attendant program! I report for training in August. I can’t wait to fly together! And I can’t wait to tell Ash and Even I’ll be flying international soon and can to visit all the time!”

“I can’t wait to pick up trips together too.” Nora was excited that not only would Bree be able to fly with her throughout Europe, but her recently rediscovered British friends would also be easily accessible. They promised each other that once Bree transferred, they would take every city by storm
together
. Having a buddy in a strange city would be nice. Nora’s encounter with a thief taught her that. Then, Nora thought of Antonio. Over the chocolate chip cookies her mom had sent, Nora told Bree about the breakup with Antonio.

Bree reported that things were progressing with Evan, and she’d been talking to him on the phone every couple of days. Nora hadn’t seen Bree blush before. “I’m trying to time out so I can go see him. Do you want to come too? Can you time out? We can stay with Ash, no problem.”

“Yeah, sure. I have one last trip to Helsinki. Then I’d love to come.” Nora wondered if she would see Ben.

It was Nora’s second layover in Helsinki, Finland. She decided to join a tour that traveled into the countryside. The tour bus was comfortable, and she enjoyed the rustic scenery on the way to a quaint historic town. Nora met a couple from Canada and sat with them during lunch served in an old mill that had bear on the menu; she wasn’t brave enough to try it. Nora decided these northern countries were
the
places to visit in July and August, when their warmest temperature was around seventy-five degrees. It was much more pleasant than the oppressive heat of Philly or the baking city of Rome.

Antonio had called her several times, but she hadn’t answered. He left messages telling her he was thinking of her and he missed her. She had to admit she missed him too. After a week went by she finally answered his call. He said he was going on holiday for three weeks, staying at a place along the Amalfi coast. He invited her to stay with him, but she declined and told him he shouldn’t call her anymore. It seemed like Antonio still believed she would change her mind.