For the Best (7 page)

He stopped, that hesitation, that mere
second – it was as if he had an internal struggle. Like the idiot I
was, I placed a loving hand on his jaw and slowly kissed his doubts
away.

He positioned me against the wall and leaned
sideways in the frame. With one hand, he unbuttoned the first
obstacle on my shirt.

“What if someone walks in on us?”

He reached less than a foot and flipped the
lock on the door. He splayed his hands across my breasts still
covered beneath my shirt. The camera lens focus tightened. He
slowly unbuttoned my blouse, skillfully exposing the lacy white bra
that seemed to stand out against my tan skin. His arms wrapped
round me, he changed our position so his back was to the wall, mine
to the camera.

My long hair blanketed my shoulders and
upper back. His hands wound beneath, capturing my head to angle our
kiss. He broke contact long enough to lead me over to the couch,
where he pushed down his pants, boxers and all then sank upright
into the couch cushions. I stood in front of him, doubt visibly
expressed on my face. He moved forward, slipping his hands beneath
my skirt. The camera lens zoomed. The footage followed my panties
as he inched them down my thighs. His fingers gripped the back of
my knees, guiding me forward onto his lap.

My hair slid in a silken up and down
movement. His hands clenched upon the fabric of my skirt keeping
the more explicit images of us having sex from view. Even without
the video, I’d remembered his face, watched it many times before as
we made love. His expressions were a series of masks – guilt,
tension, animalistic lust, dreamy agonized release.

Our bodies stilled. The video faded as
Tanner whispered, “I love you Hanna.”

The screen went black.

The news came to me in the school bathroom.
A girl I didn’t know, one of the other female contestants who
hadn’t consented blurted the whole story as she simultaneously
ranted and wept, “All those rumors about the football teams
“ritual” are true.” She did the finger quotes. I stood there
stunned...disbelieving trying to make sense. “I didn’t even consent
to the stupid contest. Some girls did. Did you?”

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t shake my head
no.

“They premiered the videos last night. Guys
only with a special invite paid for the viewing. They held up
scorecards like the Olympics. The winner won the night’s take in
cover charges.”

I didn’t break up with Tanner then. I needed
his expertise. He was tech savvy, hardly challenged to remove two
of the links of our video and cause a virus on the third so it
couldn’t be viewed again.

If my mother had not been ill, if my father
had been there for me, if there had been some chance to return to
normalcy.

If…

High school halls were no more than a cell
block where I was taunted by the hateful snickers of other girls,
the winks, the propositions, the smiles and occasional whistles
from guys. My life went on…unfortunately my mother’s did not.

“You’ve got some nerve.”

The couple in the school parking lot was
fighting loudly. I tried to absorb the accusing voice of the girl
as she accosted her boyfriend. He was no match for her.

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”
He was hoisting his backpack over his shoulder trying to look for a
way out.

“Hello, I checked your cell. You called her
at 3a.m. Saturday.”

Back when I cared, I would check Tanner’s
cell.

The guy couldn’t come up with a defense. I
shook my head as he uttered a lame response, “Why are you always so
paranoid and suspicious?”

I picked up the vibrating cell in the dark.
This was the first time he had called since the beach incident. I
toyed with the idea of not answering. It was late… 2a.m. Both sets
of our parents would freak if they knew we talked on our cells in
the middle of the night.

“Yeah.”

“It was a big deal. It was a very big deal.
Even if you regret it Hanna, I’m glad you were my first. I hope
you’re glad I was yours.”

I hadn’t been sleeping. In one ear was an
earbud and my IPOD was playing the Pixies
Where Is My Mind
.
In the quiet of the night, we shared the silence both afraid to
disconnect from each other.

Taking a difficult breath I muttered, “You
didn’t even bother with a condom.”

He defended, “You told me at lunch you were
PMSing so I’m not worried.”

His cavalier excuse gnawed at my already
fragile nerves. “That wasn’t how I imagined it would be.” There was
no way to disguise the sadness in my voice.

Hanna

Rain…that dense, tropical rain that pummels
Florida even outside of hurricane season fell. I could hear it in
my sleep, could feel it before the drops touched my skin. Standing
water was across every highway surface. Like so many times before
the ground had absorbed all it could hold. Retention ponds filled
past their banks. Waterfowl didn’t search for the beach or lakes,
the ditches and sewers were like a bird watcher’s paradise.

By Tuesday, the rain had dampened everyone’s
world. The popular kids, the nerds, the stoners, the wannabes…they
all felt the weight. Della and I didn’t even bother with the
lunchroom. The day’s entrée was a brown stew that had a strange
gamey scent flowing down the adjacent halls. The other choices were
the ubiquitous tater tots and pizza.

Laden with vending machine junk food we sat
on the stairs leading to the gym balcony talking and scarfing
carbs. “What did you do this weekend?” she asked a day after the
customary enquiry sandwiching M&Ms between two brownies.

“Friday night, not much. Saturday, Tanner
and I went fishing on the river and then he went to a party.”

Her brows lifted. “Without you?”

I shrugged working on a hangnail on my thumb
with my teeth.

Tanner didn’t wait to enter the lunch line
for me. He did the first week by my locker. Since…each day he
seemed to make a new friend. In junior high, we sat together with
people we had known since elementary school. Now Peyton was the
only remaining classmate from that period.

I got shoestring fries, the only menu item
that didn’t look gross. As I walked toward his crowded table
someone I didn’t recognize slid away from Tanner making room for
me.
Why?
I thought. I didn’t always need to sit beside
Tanner.

I set down my tray along with my can of
soda. Tanner unconsciously reached over, popped the tab. I took a
sip, and dipped a fry in the paper ketchup holder. They were
talking about some girl fight in the hall earlier. I had missed it,
which was okay by me.

The corners of Peyton’s mouth turned up like
the Joker’s style. “You two are like a soggy PBJ.”

Tanner laughed. I looked at the grease dots
congealed on top of my ketchup.

“When did you cross the platonic line?” she
asked.

“Huh?” I swallowed praying she didn’t know
about what happened on the beach.

“Well, I was at his locker when this junior
asked him if you two were a couple or just friends. Tanner said you
were his girlfriend.”

I looked at Tanner who was talking to the
guy on his right. He pretended he wasn’t listening, but I knew he
was. He clasped my hand under the table and squeezed it.

Late in the evening, I lit the gas fireplace
in hell. My mom always wanted a fireplace. Dad told her, “It’s
Florida. We’ll never use it.” Nor’easter winds, cold tile floors,
rainy days and nights – any excuse, my father and stepmom would
light a fire.

I had become bone chilled as I walked my
subjects, only the soothing taste of hot tea and the crackling
warmth of an orange blaze eased the damp that had sunk inside me. I
was on a chaise lounge toasting my feet, sleepy eyes blearily
watching late night talk shows. Gator was curled up on my lap.

My phone vibrated an incoming text. I sucked
in my breath reading Tanner’s words.

That was quite a study session. How am I
supposed to hide this love bite?

A text mistakenly sent to the wrong
recipient was nothing new. Sometimes he was careless. I’d never
confronted him so he probably thought I never knew. I had been
aware of his betrayals ever since the night Trev came over and I
tasted another girl’s gloss on his lips.

Lainey entered the foyer shaking off the
cold, damp rain. “A Snuggy, Hanna? Seriously?”

She didn’t ask about the tears.

Tanner
-
After the ritual

She and I were different together. Yet we
still were very much a couple. Hanna no longer attended parties
with me. Scratch parties, she didn’t go anyplace with me unless we
would be alone. No school sports games, no dinners with friends, no
study sessions. When I asked her why, she didn’t answer.

I’d messed around on her. Sometimes too
drunk or drugged to know who with but mostly it was with her friend
Peyton. I didn’t even like the girl, she was just available.

Hanna and I had been settling down for a
movie night alone. Thirty minutes in, she hit pause and turned to
me.

She stared at our hands clasped together in
my lap. Her voice low, hurt she spoke, “Do you think it hurts worst
to be betrayed by a friend or a lover?”

Guiltily, I answered, “I would imagine both
would be painful.”

She nodded. “I thought I had a lot of
friends. Only one friend was also my lover. Their silence, your
silence was like acknowledged acceptance. Foundations of lifetimes
are built on your strongest friendships. I guess none of mine were
sturdy enough.” She hit play.

I was left dumbfounded.

Hanna

After the funeral, I questioned everything:
my life, my future, our love. All through my mom’s last bout with
cancer I had wanted some adult other than my father to swoop in and
take over. Wishful thinking…my mother’s parents had succumbed to
bad health themselves. Mom’s mother died while I was in elementary
school. My maternal grandfather was wasting away in some nursing
home in the Midwest so memory impaired he hadn’t been brought to
the funeral by my mom’s only sibling, her brother. My mom and he
had not seen eye to eye on her dad’s permanent care. With power of
attorney my uncle had dumped the old man in state care, so I had no
ill-conceived notions he would be willing to help me out
either.

As for my father’s immediate family, they
were selfish, money hungry phonies. So many holidays had been spent
sitting quietly aside observing the way my father and his siblings
boasted about who earned what, the value of their portfolios, and
the cars they drove. It was off putting and kept me rooted to the
ground hoping I would never become like them. I was truly alone,
with the exception of Tanner.

The mourning had depleted me completely. I
was incapable of emotions – no anger, no happiness, no love. Still
I wondered if what he’d done was surmountable.

I leaned in. My breast brushed his arm. My
mouth was less than an inch from his. I moved the book off his
lap.

The longing that never eased from his eyes
drew me in as his hand wove into my hair holding me locked close.
“Careful,” he whispered smiling seductively.

We hadn’t touched intimately since I found
out about the contest video. I didn’t want him…I just wanted to
know.

When his mouth claimed mine a surge of blood
pumped into my veins and I could feel my heart rate quicken. Gator
jumped off the couch as Tanner backed me down into the cushions. I
felt his weight, and I deftly moved my fingers up under his t-shirt
skimming his stomach and sides until I pressed them into his back
trying to get closer.

His mouth descended down my chest. He rose
up on his arms unbuttoning my blouse as he kept his mouth on mine.
I closed my eyes, blocked my thoughts, and let myself forget.

Marilyn, Poo Poo’s owner texted me and said
her commuter flight couldn’t land back in Jacksonville
International due to fog.
Please spend the night
with Poo Poo. Gator is welcome.

After I finished walking Bowzer, Romeo and
Juliet, I gave Sox his daily dose of love and attention before I
found myself cold and drenched in the Marilyn’s garage. The rain
wouldn’t let up. I was dripping, from my t-shirt to my jeans to my
canvas sneakers. I wanted warmth. A hot shower would have been
nice, but I needed something instantaneous. I lifted the top of
Marilyn’s tanning bed in the garage. Why anyone would get a tanning
bed in Florida stumped me, must less why any woman would want to
excel the aging process but Marilyn loved a tan. I turned the timer
to fifteen minutes, got in and put a towel over my face. The bulbs
were blinding but the heat was welcome. Long lights ticked and my
clothes heated damp enough that steam emerged.

My cell rang and awkwardly I answered it
under the weight of the tanning bed lid.

“Hanna, Trevor said you stopped by.”

“I did.”

“Why?”

“I missed him.” The hard plastic of the
phone was hot in my hand.

“Yeah, next year’s going to be rough being
that far away from him,” he talked as if the previous night, his
mistaken text had never happened.

I let him keep talking not really
concentrating on his words. The cell was staticy like the signal
was fading. I focused on the way I was cooking my body in Marilyn’s
tanning bed covered in clothes like aluminum foil. Hot wet clothes
soothed me. I didn’t know what Tanner said, I no longer cared.

Gator woofed a low warning, for me to wake
up or for whoever had entered the house to note a hostile dog was
on patrol. I heard Poo whining from the living room where I had his
crate. Sitting up in bed, I waited as I heard the garage door go
down. Moments later Tanner appeared at my door.