Forcing Gravity (33 page)

“Stop it,” I said through gritted teeth, fighting back the
urge to let the tears fall.
I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat.

“Lo, you know it’s true. I wouldn’t lie about something like this. I can tell you like him, but he’s just not a good guy.”

“No,” I said
hoarsely, refusing to believe what he was telling me
, but the doubt was star
t
ing to form in the back of my mind.
I knew
Ethan wouldn’t lie to me.
“Jase
wouldn’t do something like that.”

I was shaking my head back and forth infinitely, hoping it would suddenly change what Ethan had just revealed. It couldn’t be true.

I didn’t want it to be true.

No, it wasn’t true.

But I knew in the back of my mind that I was wrong, and I’d just learned something that would erase everything good between Jase and me, every sweet thing he’d done or said and all the things I liked about him. I couldn’t let som
ething like that
go
, and because of that, I knew I
’d have to let
him
go.

“Lo, he dropped out of
school right after it happened,” Ethan said, hitting the final nail in the coffin. “
If that’s not a guilty conscience, then I don’t know what is.”

“Screw you,” I said, pushing back from the table and away from Ethan. I was suddenly so pissed off at him that I
just needed to not look at him anymore
.

“
I
didn’t do anything wrong,” he called after me, as I marched toward my dorm, fighting the tears that had started to
prick the backs of m
y eyes.

I hated him.

I absolutely hated him.
And when I said that, I wasn’t sure which guy I was actually talking about. I hated both of them. I hated Ethan for ruining something that had the potential to be so good. I hated that he’d told me, but
more than that
, I hated Jase for what he’d done.

It was amazing that I could go from falling headfirst for a guy to wishing I’d never met him in the span of five minutes, but
Jase had raped a girl, or at the very least, he’d stood by while his friends had raped a girl.

And that was inexcusable.

I shiver
ed inadvertently at the thought, unable to wrap my head around what Ethan had said.
It was so contradictory to the guy I knew so well, who I’d trusted
, or who I’d apparently
thought
I knew and trusted
.

Shit! Fuck! Dammit!

I wanted to hit something, but a brick building and my fist didn’t seem like a good combination.
Maybe I could call Jase
and ask him if it was true.

Maybe he would deny it.

But maybe he’d be lying.

God dammit!

I felt my eyes start to fill and did everything I could to hold back the tears threatening to fall. My chest ached and felt like it might split open. My stomach was roiling. It took everything in me not to double-over and start bawling in the middle of campus, but
I waited until I burst into my room to let the tears finally fall and collapsed on
to
my bed, letting the door slam behind me.

My phone dinged, alerting me of a new text message. I figured it was Ethan, but when I looked at the caller ID, I saw
Jase’s
name, and I threw my phone against the wall, hoping it would break. I didn’t want Jase texting me again. I didn’t want him to call me and leave a message and
then
be subjected to hearing his voice.

I couldn’t talk to him.

I didn’t even want to see his name on my phone.

The idea of what he’d done made my stomach churn, and I po
unded my fist against my pillow repeatedly
and screamed into it. The sound was instantly muffled by the fabric
, but it fel
t marginally good to get it out
,
even if it didn’t change things in the least
.

I cried until my eyes burn
ed
and my stomach muscles ached
,
and all I could do was stare listlessly into the void, wishing I didn’t know now what I didn’t know
an hour
before when everything had been good and sweet and exciting. But most of all, I just wished it wasn’t true, because as blissful as ignorance was, it didn’t change the fact that the guy I’d spent last night with had raped a girl against her will.

Henley came home about thirty minutes after I did, and when she saw me
lying on my bed, staring at nothing
, she immediately rushed over.

“What’s wrong?” she asked
, as she perched next to me and smoothed my hair back from my face
.

“Everything,” I said, hugging my pillow as the tears started to fall again.

I’d just reeled the
m
in when I started to remember things Jase had said to me the night before and how vulnerable he’d been and how he’d opened up
to me
. I didn’t want him to have the past that he did. I wanted him to be the good
guy that I had overwhelming feelings for, who I thought just might have the same feelings for me
.

It wasn’t fair.

“I’m so stupid,” I blubbered through my tears. “I’m can’t believe I fell for him.”

“Who, sweetie?
Jase?
”
Henley asked, as her hand made circles on my back.

“
Yes
,” I moaned, burying my head in the pillow again.

“Oh, my God!
What happened? I thought everything was going so well?”

“It was,” I cried, and then I told her everything, not even caring if she knew. Screw Jase and screw his privacy. I wasn’t quite sure he deserved even that anymore.

Henley didn’t say a word as I recounted the story Ethan had told me.
She
just
sat
on my bed
and held me as I cried and listened to me talk about how amazing I thought he was, and what an asshole he’d turned out to be.
She was a fantastic listener and was exactly the friend I needed in that moment.

I felt my emotions ebb and flow as I ran
ted to her about what a complete jerk
he was and cried so much my chest ached at the thought that I wouldn’t get to be in his arms again, and then I was pacing the floor, so mad that I could have kicked something.

And that was the moment
Ethan practically beat down the door
to our room
.

Henley
let him in, and he
stood in front of me, eyes flashing and arms crossed in front of him. He was pissed, and I was pissed, but I suddenly didn’t care. I launched myself at my best friend, craving the support he’d offered for more than ten years
as I fell apart once again
.

“I’m so stupid,” I gushed, new tears falling
down my cheeks.
“I should have listened to you.”

“It’s okay, Lo,” he said, all of his anger gone, as he stroked my hair. “You didn’t know. I should have told you.”

“Ethan, are you sure it’s true?” I asked, looking up at his concerned face.

He nodded just enough to let me know he hadn’t been fabricating his story.

Then my phone rang, and all three of us looked over at it. From my vantage point, I could see it was Jase calling me. I hadn’t returned his text from earlier, so
now he was calling. Apparently, and unfortunately,
my phone survived its
impact with the concrete wall.
Stupid
Otterbox
.

I ignored the ringing device
and left it in on the floor, as Ethan told me to pack a bag and grab my board. He was taking me to his house for the weekend, and we were going to spend the majority of our time in the water.

And I was never so grateful to just get away from everything.

-
15
-

By the time Ethan dropped me off
on campus on Monday,
I didn’t feel much better, but I was trying to have a better outlook on things.

Jase didn’t deserve me.

He was a jerk.

I missed him.

No, he was a – I couldn’t say it. He was an awful person.

My heart clenched in my chest.

I shouldn’t miss him.

He was an actor. He’d been play a part, trying to get me to like him, and it had worked.

He didn’t have any real feelings for me.

He wasn’t a good guy.

But the things he’d said and did. They’d felt real.

No, I needed to forget all of that.

I needed to just let him go.

Ethan got us to campus right before my biology class started, so
I had just enough time to
slide into my seat before
the
professor started lecturing.
Then
I spent the day in the library, throwing myself into my schoolwork and forcing my mind to think of things other than Jase Brady.

Over the weekend, it had been easier because I’d had Ethan and Garrett to keep me company
, but
I couldn’t wallow with
them
forever, so I figured throwing myself into my work was my best
bet. And it worked, until I started to go a little cross-eyed from staring at tiny
textbook
print for so many hours
in a row
.

Begrudgingly, I headed back to my dorm.

Henley was at her sorority meeting, but right there on the middle of my bed was my phone, barely alive, but flashing brightly to let me know I had messages.

It
was full of voicemails and texts, all from Jase.
Henley
left me a note that said my phone had been ringing a lot
,
and I should delete anything from Jase
with
out reading or listening to
it
first
, which felt even worse,
and I couldn’t do it.

So I listened.

Saturday night:
Hey Logan. It’s Jase. I wanted to see if you had plans for tonight. Give me a call.

Sunday morning:
Hey Logan. It’s Jase again. I didn’t hear from you last night, and that’s not
like you, so I just wanted to make
sure you’re okay.
Trust me, that picture isn’t a big deal.
Give me a call or text me.

Sunday afternoon:
Okay, so I’m assuming you lost your phone, because I’m pretty sure if something tragic happened, I would have heard about it on the news, but either way, please call me when you get this. I’m worried.

Sunday evening:
Hey, it’s Jase. I’m pretty sure you’re okay, because I just saw Garrett
,
and
although he wasn’t very friendly to me, I’m pretty sure
if something had happened
to you
, he would have told me, which makes me concerned that you’re just not calling me back, so yeah. Give me a call if you want, I guess.

Monday afternoon:
Okay, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that you no longer have any interest in seeing me, so this is the last time you’ll have to hear one of my rambling messages. Sorry to have wasted your time, but I had fun with you, and I
really t
hought you had fun too, but I guess I was wrong.
And
in
a last ditch effort to change your mind, because I think I know what
happened,
please know that the tabloids print shit like that all the time. We looked like friends in that picture. Please don’t
read into it
, Logan. I
really
like you, and yeah, I guess that’s it. I hope you’ll call me.

Shit. Th
at last message was really hard to listen to
, and
hearing
it made me feel like a total bitch.
He was assuming I’d freaked out over what the tabloids had printed, but he was so wrong.
I felt so bad for him, and I wish
ed
I had the nerve to confront him, but I didn’t. I sucked.

No, that was wrong. What he did was really bad, and I shouldn’t feel guilty for blowing him off. He’d get over it. He was Jason Brady. He’d have girls lining up at his door. He’d be
just
fine.