Forcing Gravity (50 page)

I left the café having little to no direction whatsoever, so I just drove aimlessly.
I finally pulled over to the side of the road to collect my thoughts.
I didn’t know where Jase could be. I tried his cell again, but that
time
it
went straight to voicemail
.

My mind was racing,
and I had no idea where to go next.

I started driving again, but it was
directionless,
and I wasn’t entirely sure where I was heading until I ende
d up at my mom’s house in the Pacific Palisades
. But I decided to keep driving and pulled into the Lewis’s driveway. I needed Carol in that moment, regardless of the fact that her son had put me in this predicament, I needed her motherly wisdom, and she was the best mother I had.

“Logan? What’s wrong?” she asked, when she opened the door to find what I’m sure was qui
te a sight. The look on her face
told me
just how
frightening I looked. 

Before I could respond,
Carol
took me in her arms and held me close. It was then that the tears started falling again, as she rubbed my back and shushed me over and over again.
I couldn’t remember a time when my own mother h
ad done that for me
and was so grateful for Carol in that moment.

“Come on,” she said, once I’d somewhat calmed down. She lead me to their downstairs bathroom, the one in which I’d slipped and clipped my chin on the countertop when Ethan had been chasing me through the house when we were eight.

I watched her wet a soft washcloth and start to dab at my cheeks with care, just like she had all those years ago when she’d come running after hearing me wailing
from across the house.
She’d sat me on the toilet and told me I would be okay
,
as Ethan had looked on in horror, not sure what to do to help me. His mother had been amazing that day, and she was doing it again.

“What happened, sweetie?” she asked, as she gestured f
or me to sit on the toilet seat
. I sat, and she rewet the washcloth.

I just shook my head, not sure how to even start.

“Talk to me, Logan,” she reasoned, knowing it would help to get the words out.

“Well, Ethan is apparently in love with me,” I said, laughing even though it wasn’t the least bit funny.

“Is he now?” she questioned, and I couldn’t tell if she believed what I was saying or not.

So I proceeded to tell her the full story of how Ethan had professed his feelings and how he’d kissed me,
and how Jase had apparently seen
the kiss and ran. Then I told her about the paparazzi and Gary
,
and
how I couldn’t find Jase, and that I was so scared things were over between us, because he’d been so upset, and
I knew
I
’d
hurt him, and I just hated that I’d done that, but I was more pissed at Ethan for causing my problem in the first place.

Carol just shook her head. “I swear, I love my son, but he never makes very good decisions, does he?” she asked, and for the first time all afternoon I
genuinely
laughed, but it felt unnatural.

“Do you think he really has feelings for me?” I asked, wondering if she knew the truth.

She sighed, as if contemplating how she wanted to respond. “I don’t know,” she finally said, “but I can tell you don’t have feelings for him.”

I sighed miserably. “I love him, Carol. You know that, but I love him like he’s my brother. I don’t have those feelings for him.”

“Here’s the thing, Log
an,” she said, setting the wash
cloth down and leaning against the counter. “Ethan has never given his heart to anyone but
you,
and I think it scares him to think about giving it to someone else.”

I narrowed my eyes in confusion. I wasn’t exactly followi
ng where she was going
.

“Do you remember how shy he was as a child?”

I nodded. Garrett had always been so animated, and Kelly had been outgoing, so Ethan had shrunk
in
to the background in his family.

“
He was such a sweet boy, but he was painfully shy.
He didn’t have many friends until he m
et you. He never asked me if he could invite anyone over to play or expressed an
y
interest in going to another child’s house, and he didn’t really talk about his friends at school. But then he met you, and he didn’t stop talking about you that whole night, and the next day, he was begging me to call your mom to see if you could come over to go swimming. Do you remember that day?”

I nodded. I had so much fun at Ethan’s house th
at first day, swimming until we
were tired
,
and then eating a lunch his mom had made while we watched cartoons in his playroom. I hones
tly never would have left if
Carol had
n’t
called my mom to see what time she wanted me to come home, and my mom remembered I was at their house. After that day, Ethan and I were inseparable.

“He was never shy around me,” I recalled.

Ethan came out of his shell with me, but when we’d run into people he knew, he’d shy away and revert back inside
himself
. It wasn’t until he started to grow taller, fill out
,
and get really good at surfing that he started to gain confidence, but that was years later. He’d completely evolv
ed over time into the confident
, sometimes cocky, but still incredibly sweet, good looking
, genuine
guy he was. But to me, he’d always been that guy.

“He wasn’t
shy around you
,” Carol said, watching me carefully, “but at the same time, you accepted him for who he was, and that allowed him to trust you. I have a feeling that Ethan has never had a girlfriend because he’s afraid to let people in. He’s afraid to get hurt, and he knows you won’t hurt him.”

I swallowed and shook my head. “I did hurt him,” I said, looking up at her.
Her serious expression was so much like Ethan’s that it broke my heart. “I pushed him away and yelled at him and told him to leave me alone.”

Carol smiled a small
, comforting
smile. “He knows you didn’t mean it.”

“But
I’m not in love with
him,” I said, knowing that would hurt Ethan more than anything.

“You know, Logan
, if I had to guess, I’d say he’s not in love with you
either. He’s just afraid that he’s losing you, and so he’s grasping for anything he can hold onto. I know
Tom and I have
teased you guys for years about how we
hoped
you’d end up together, but we never actually thought that would happen. And if I had to guess, that’s because you’ve found the guy you’re going to end up with. Ethan will find that
person
too.”

“What do you mean by ‘the guy I’ll end up with’?”

Her words terrified and exhilarated me at the same time.

“I’v
e never seen you happier than you have been since you’ve been dating Jase
, Logan,” she said simply. “I know you’re young and your parents’ situation probably doesn’t give you a lot of hope, but not every relationship has to end that way. Keep in mind that
Tom
and I met when we were just a few years older than you,
and we’ve been married for
thirty
years.”

I let her words hang out there in the air, mulling over their meaning.

“Jase
i
s so mad at me right now, Carol. I don’t think he wants to be together for another day, let alone anything long-term.”

“Tell him what happened,” she said simply. “Explain yourself. Even if he doesn’t listen when you tell him, he’ll come around. I can tell his feelings for you are strong, as well.
Kelly told me how much he adores you.
He won’t let go of you very easily.”

“He told me he loved me on Saturday,” I said, recalling the feeling of he
aring
Jase say he
loved me
for the first time. There was nothing like it in the world
, especially when
I
felt
the same way about him
.

“He’ll
come
his senses,” she insisted, giving me a warm smile.

I had no idea if
she
was right, but I stood up and hugged her anyway
, hoping what she said was true
. “Thank you, Carol.”

“Anytime, Logan,” she responded, squeezing me tight. When she pulled back, she appraised me. “Can I make you something to eat?”

Her question made me remember that I’d had lunch plans with Jase, and I hadn’t eaten anything since
early
that morning.

“Please,” I said, as she put her arm around me and led me down the hall to the kitchen.

***

I
stayed
with Carol for a few hours before I figured I needed to get back to campus. I’d been hiding out all day, and people were looking for me. Of course, Jase wasn’t one of those people, but Garrett, Henley
,
and Ethan had all called several times.

I thanked Carol and got in my car, wondering if I should stop by to say hi to my mom, but I just didn’t have the energy, so I just headed toward USC. But when I got to the turn I knew would take me to
Jase’s
house in the Hollywood Hills, I turned.

Winding up the dark road, my heart started pounding in my chest as I got closer and closer. I sincerely hoped he was home – and that he was alone.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw his black Maserati in the driveway and the lights in the house on. I slowly slid in behind him and quietly put my car in park, as if he could hear the actual shifting of the gears and would come outside and tell me to get
lost. I needed to see him face-to-
face.

I paused outside the door, and then tentatively knocked, holding my breath as I waited. When he finally opened the door, his face was stony and cold. He didn’t say anything or even acknowledge me, nor did he back up, so I could come inside.
I figured that was my indication to start talking.

“I’m sorry,” I gushed. “Jase, I’m so sorry. Please know that that kiss didn’t mean anything. I do
n’t have any feelings for Ethan,
I promise, I don’t. Please know that. I ha
te that you had to see that, but
trust me, it didn’t mean anything. Please.”

I was babbling, but I couldn’t seem to say what I really wanted to, what I should have said.

Jase just shook his head. “I don’t date cheaters,” he said, and he started to close the door.

“Wait, stop,” I said, putting my hand out to keep the door from closing.

“What?!” he demanded, his gaze looking so fierce and frightening that I cringed back.

“I didn’t cheat, Jase,” I insisted.

He raised one eyebrow at me, but he wasn’t amused.

“Did you kiss Ethan?”

“Yes, but–” I started to say, but he cut me off.

“You cheated,” he said matter-of-factly, and I knew
that
after everything he’d been through, he wasn’t going to change his mind.

“Jase, I love you, please,” I begged, tears welling up in my eyes as I took in how angry he was with me.

“No you don’t,” he said, shaking his head. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t have done that.”

I threw my hands up in desperation. “I didn’t. He kissed me, and I pushed him away.”

“Not from my angle,” he said flatly. “I saw him kiss you, and you kissed him back. That’s it.”

“Jase,” I pleaded, not sure how I could convince him.

“
Just go, and please stop calling me
,” he said, and then he very unceremoniously closed the door in my face.

I stood there open-mouthed at how cold and detached he’d been. I knew he was upset, and I completely understood, but I’d expected him to at least hear me out, to believe me, to trust that I wouldn’t do something like that to him.
I knew how badly Chloe had
hurt him
and how much he despised cheating.
But I also knew he thought I was just like her, and because of that, he couldn’t forgive me.

I would never do
anything to hurt him, especially cheat
, but he couldn’t see that. And that was what hurt the most.

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