Forever Distraction (Distraction #3) (5 page)

My words were meant to hurt him
, just like his secret hurt me. “Can I fire you? I really want to fire you,” I spit out, wanting more than anything to lash out and injure him. I heard a chuckle leave his throat before he answered no. “Then I want to fire the two other Smiths. I can fire them, right?”

His laughter was
deep and loud, like it came from his belly. “Nope, they work for me. I’m the only who does the firing.” Smith made a phone call; his tone was muffled, and then he hung up. We drove and I controlled my breathing. I wanted to throw things, to hit people, and I wanted to run and never look back. I turned away and pinched my eyes shut. I calmed myself with thoughts of the beach and the sand beneath my toes. When I knew I had a handle on my tantrum, I started to speak again.

“Grandfather
was the only one I knew who loved me without strings. He had no agenda. I’d needed to tell him things. I wasn’t ready. I had more questions, more love to give him.” I faced the window to shield myself from his pity. “Smith,” I waited for him to acknowledge me, “I am really mad at you for not telling me.” The car stopped, and I felt the breeze on my skin as he stepped out. I brought my knees to my chest and hugged my legs. I was a humbled vision, half-naked with makeup running down my face.

My new stylist
crawled into the car. She looked at me, taking mental notes on how to fix my appearance. She had clothes in her arms and started removing my old ones, dressing me in a white skirt with black bows and a white, thin blouse. She glanced at my bruised arm and flinched. She was quiet, and I looked at her while she changed everything down to my stockings. She looked Filipino, very pretty and tiny. I could tell she was biting her tongue. She was probably warned I was in the firing mood. She began wiping my face; it was weird how everyone always just did things to me, like I was a doll. She never looked me in the eyes, even though I stared at her relentlessly. She fixed the broken outside appearance, being very gentle in the process. I wanted to tell her it didn’t matter if she was rough or loud; I couldn’t feel or hear anything anymore. I was broken on the inside, something all the clothes and makeup couldn’t fix.

She handed me a new purse and
transferred the contents out of the old one. I put the cute, black bow purse over my head and under my arm, making her crinkle her nose in distaste, but when I ran last time, it worked great. She handed me another fancy jacket, and I asked, “How about I wear the denim one you have on?” She shook her head and I looked away, frustrated. Smith opened the door and the stylist had a change of heart, handing me her jacket. I smiled grateful. “Thank you,” I said and she blushed.

Smith walk
ed inside a huge office building and I followed. I was lost in a trance watching Gracey move powerfully ahead of us, like she was on a mission. I heard my phone go off and the sound startled me. I reached in my purse to answer it. With Smith eyeing the whole process, I shifted the phone away from him and gave him a spiteful stare before I answered it.

“Hello,”
I hesitantly spoke.

“Katie
! Thank God you answered,” Heather’s breathless voice hissed in my ear.

“
Is everything okay?” I stopped my stride, unable to hear her.

“Jason’s
here, and Red is…” she paused, and I wanted to reach through the phone and shake her boney shoulders to snap her out of it.
He’s what?
“…having him beat up.”

“Heather
,” I felt adrenaline start moving like wildfire through my body, “put the phone on speaker and hold it close to Red,
NOW!
” I waited, and then began yelling into the phone while I started walking again. “Jared, unless you want the world to know what a sick fucker you are, you won’t touch another hair on his body.” I stopped in my tracks, not sure if he heard me or knew just how serious I was. “Tell the men I’m sure you have holding him down to step away from him.” I heard rustling on the line and watched ahead of me as Gracey came to a door that was closed, opened it, and disappeared inside. Smith was standing at my side not even trying to hide the fact he was listening to every word of my conversation. “Heather, I have to go. Can you walk Jason to his car? I will call you later.” She didn’t respond, so I repeated her name.

“Kat
arina, where are you?” It was Jason, and the sound of his voice made my knees weak and my eyes fill with water. I swallowed hard, shoving down the emotion I felt for him.

“Jason
, I can’t talk.” I started moving again, my legs shaking as I approached the same door Gracey had and Smith stepped forward to open it.

“You said you were going home
. I have been looking everywhere. I thought Red took you.” He was breathing hard. I peered up at Smith and backed out of the room filled with people seated around a large conference table. He followed me out, and the other Smiths eyed me cautiously as I continued down the hall to an open conference room. I moved inside, Smith closed the door, and he leaned against it, crossing his arms over his chest and giving me his overconfident grin.

“Jason
, I know everything; William told me.” I had a hard time with my words; I couldn’t find them. My heavy breathing was taking on the same pattern as his. “He told me…my grandfather killed Jacy. He told me about that night and how you followed my grandfather to my ballet recital. He said your plan was to make me fall in love with you,” I said in one breath, my voice becoming squeakier toward the end. I was trying hard not to cry, my stomach churning, tightening in knots. “Is it true?”

He was quiet
, and I began frantically looking around the room for a trashcan. I felt acid coming up in my throat. “Yes, but it wasn’t like that. I was 17 years old when I said it.”

A small whimper escaped my lips and I covered my mouth to hide the pain.
“Jason…” the tears in my eyes burned as they ran down my cheeks, “…we pretended; that’s all. It’s over.” I pushed the phone at Smith and ran for the trashcan. I heard buzzing in my ears as I dry heaved into the garbage. I tried hard to control it. Painful contractions of my stomach brought more tears as I hovered, hands gripped tightly to the trashcan, spitting the rancid acid out of my mouth. “I am tougher than this,” I told myself. I don’t have favorite things I leave without looking back. I pinched my eyes closed, remembering the rules out loud I once made for myself, “Rule one, never trust men. Rule two, never let someone listen more than they talk.” I took a deep breath to finish. “Rule three, don’t get attached…no regrets…no regrets…” I repeat over and over.

I st
ood up slowly, gathering my strength with every muscle movement. Then I turned around and put the practiced smile on, straightened my shoulders, and paced back to the door. Smith was no longer in the room. I inhaled a calming breath as I opened the door and stepped into the brightly lit hall. He handed me a tissue, and I wiped my face in one swift, delicate motion and gave it back to him. My feet continued a few more steps, Smith’s stride in time with mine. He casually handed me a bottle of water and a piece of gum. I had practiced for years at hiding my feelings, at swallowing the ugly tears; I was just a little rusty. I finished my water, put my favorite pretend smile on, and walked back to the room I knew everyone was in.

The Morning A
fter She Left

Jason

I woke
that morning in the spare bedroom of my sister’s house, recalling last night’s events. I cringed as the throbbing headache appeared between my eyes. Katarina had left me, and I knew from her warnings it was for good.

I took a long shower trying to gather all the cou
rage I could to face my family…who loved Katarina and lost her just like I had. I entered the kitchen, grabbed a bowl and spoon, and headed to the table for some cereal and milk. My sister, Jessie, watched me from the kitchen counter. I felt her eyes on me the entire time. She grabbed a cup of coffee for me and settled it next to hers on the table, and then plopped down next to me like a carefree teenaged girl. Jack ate his oatmeal and played with his trucks on the other side of me, making a point to show me every truck that was in front of him.

“What happened?”
Jessie’s voice pulled me from my fog. Little Jasmine smiled at me and then blew me a kiss.

“She left
, just like she said she would. I am just surprised.” I faced her straight-on, locking our matching green eyes. “She told me she loved me two days ago, and now she’s gone.”

My
sister’s compassion for me gradually marred every feature of her face, and a tear escaped. “Did you tell her how you felt and what you wanted?” she said, distracting herself with stirring her coffee. Her focus fell, and I listened to the clanking sound of the spoon inside the ceramic mug before she delicately picked it up, blew on it, and took a sip.

I broke my hypnotic state and answered
, “No, I couldn’t.” My wrist tilted, holding the big, blue box, and the frosted cornflakes fell into my bowl. “I thought it was too soon; I was pacing myself. I wanted her to
feel
how much I loved her before I said it. Jenny came over that same night after she told me, and I felt guilty. I also skipped this important information about me knowing her. I thought it would spook her and she’d run.”

My sister put her cup down and leaned into me like we were sharing a secret.
“What information?” she whispered, and it made me laugh. The only two people around us were Jack and Jasmine, who were under the age of four.

“Katarina’s grandfather was there the night Jacy died
. He was actually in the other vehicle.”  I took a sip of my coffee, and my headache hit me hard. “Hey, Jessie, do you have an aspirin?”
Or six
. She looked annoyed, but got up and retrieved the bottle for me. I tossed back a couple and chased them with hot coffee; it burned like hell, but it was a different ache to focus on. She waited patiently, so I told her the story of the car accident and Katarina’s grandfather. It was the first time I had told anyone. I ended with when I met her at the coffeehouse. She was silent for too long. I knew how she thought, and she was trying to think of a way to get me out of this mess. You know the saying, ‘you’ve dug your grave’? Well, Jessie was always finding loopholes, saving me from myself. If you asked me, she’s the real lawyer in the family. She could convince anyone of my innocence…even me.

“Does she know any of it?”

Her question surprised me a little. “I think she thought something was going on between Jenny and me, and Jacy’s brother, William, mentioned I had a vendetta against her grandfather. So, I am guessing she knows.”

Her eyes brightened
. “So then, you find her and tell her there’s no
silly
vendetta. Right now, she just thinks you’re not sure if you love her and you may have a thing for Jenny. All you have to do is come straight out with it.” I stared at my coffee as she spoke, soaking in every word. Then, I set my cup down and met her glare.

“I may have done one more thing
…something she might be really pissed off about.” I watched as more confusion hit her perfect features. “I took the
safe
out of safe sex. I know it was foolish, but I was caught up in the moment. She had already told me no babies, but I…” I paused—or stalled, depending on how you looked at it—and took a long drink of my coffee, wishing it was something stronger. Her eyes called me every bad name in the book. I clarified, “She’s not, but I thought for sure I nailed it.” I smiled at my choice of words and glanced at her.

She got up from her seat next to me
, stormed out of the room, and yelled, “
You dumbass!
”

I traveled to work after that, stopping by my house to pick up Bo first. I knew my day would be busy as soon as I walked into the room full of people and animals. I continued straight into my father’s office and caught him on the tail end of an interview. He lifted his eyes to meet mine, and I scanned the room to the brunette in the chair across from him.

“Jenny would like to intern here with us
. Is that okay with you?” he asked. I shrugged, because I couldn’t give a shit either way. “Great, she can start right away.” He pinned his stare on her when he said it, and she gave him a huge smile in return. When she stood up and turned to me, she threw her arms around me in a tight hug.

I peeled away her arms and gave her a warning glare
. “No more of that.” I dropped her hands by her side. “I would hate for anyone to get the wrong idea. I am in love with someone else, and if I thought she was letting gorgeous men hug her, I couldn’t sleep at night.” She stepped back from me, hurt like I slapped her in the face with my words. Then, she sidestepped around me and left the office. I shot a peek toward my dad, and we exchange a glance that said
I could have handled that differently
. My body and brain checked out after that, and I busied myself with work seeing animals and solving problems, convincing myself this is where I should be.

I checked my phone every ten seconds like it was
a nervous twitch, but nothing. I was going mentally insane from the torment of not knowing where she was. She was my new addiction, and I was finding the withdrawal from her worse than my withdrawal from fucking. I escaped work by telling my dad I wasn’t feeling well, which was downplaying it. I felt like crap. I needed answers, my brain overly fixating on what could have happened to Katarina, the different possibilities driving me insane. I floored it to Heather’s work, weaving in and out of traffic. It was plausible Red had her and she was locked away; at least, that’s what I told myself. So by the time I reached Heather’s work, it was no longer Heather I wanted to speak with…it was Red. I felt the urge to kick the shit out of him again. My blood pressure increased as the thumping in my chest picked up speed, my veins starting to itch, my fist curling. I hated this man. He was an evil SOB; of course he took her. Why did I wait so long to confront the fucker? This should have been my first stop.

****

There are plenty of days when I could take three men, but today was not one of them. Red took precaution after his last beat down and hired his own goons. It was actually smart on his part, but as I fought to release my arms from the hold of two mad men on either side of me, the thought crossed my mind how foolish I was for coming at him half-cocked on his turf. He had the home field advantage. This only pissed me off more, because now I was furious with
myself
. I grunted and sneered like a crazed buffalo. I pictured fire coming out of my nose. I was going to fucking kill him. He’d scream in pain before he was covered with six feet of dirt.

The only thing that stopped
the brutal ass kicking I was receiving was Heather holding the phone up to Red’s distorted face, which was filled with power and rage. I heard Katarina’s voice and my body began to ache. She sounds pissed and protective, just like a mama bear. I think she got him by the balls with whatever she was yelling, because he ordered my release immediately. My legs scrambled to stand; Heather took my arms in an attempt to pull me away from the growling animals that initiated my first ever beat down. I snatched the phone away from Heather, wanting a fix.
Where was she? When could I see her?
“Katarina?”

Her long pause when she realized it was me fucking hurt. I began to beg
; I wanted her to see how sorry I was, but the conversation ended in the worst way possible. “Jason, it’s over.” Her voice and those words echoed in my head.
It was not over. It couldn’t be over. You’re my calm, my light.

Her voice on the other end of the phone sounded so far away. I needed to be there for her
. I needed to hold her hand, to tell her how I felt and explain the past. Before I could say anything to defend myself, she was no longer there. “Fuck.” My voice was rough, adrenaline still coursing through my body. I immediately glared at Heather. Terror masked her face, every noise making her jumpy and antsy. She was hesitant to escort me to the elevator, and I moved my hand to swipe the blood from my mouth.

“Why are you with that ass wipe?” I realize
d this time that I might be the ass wipe, but my rage was still boiling under the surface. I entered the elevator and she stumbled in behind me. Red’s bodyguards gave me an icy stare just before the heavy steel doors closed, and I returned their kill-you-later glare.

“He’s not so bad,” she started with a shaky voice
. “I think you might actually be more like him than you’re willing to admit.” She shifted away from me, realizing her words probably sounded better in her head.

“Heather,” I forced a charming smile, “
please tell me where she is.” My mood switched quickly toward hopeless persuasion; I could fluff her with compliments and coax her into giving me Katarina’s whereabouts. I scanned her outfit, tight pink skirt with matching heels, and a white blouse snug to her cleavage. She turned slowly and noticed me inspecting her, and I flashed her a seductive smile, combing my hair back with my hands. She blushed, and I knew I didn’t need to flatter her outfit or her curvy figure. I had her right where I wanted her. Her tongue snaked out and moistened her full lips, and I moved my face closer so she’d believed my intent was to kiss her. Her light blue eyes locked with mine, and then she closed her eyes and tilted her chin, submitting to me. “First, tell me where Katarina is.”

Her eyes fluttered
open. Confusion mixed with realization covered her feminine features before she squawked and looked away. It never surprised me how easy most women were to manipulate. I bet if I leaned in right now, she’d still let me kiss her. Katarina’s best friend only cared about herself. The thought gripped my heart, and I felt my fury come alive again. “I don’t know, Jason. She never told me anything about her family, and I never asked. All the time we were together, she never once visited her family.” We exited the elevator, and silently walked in the underground garage together. I glanced at my fists, flexing them; I needed to punch something again. I still had an enormous amount of anger left in me.

“Jason
,” she continued cautiously, “I know you think I am the key to Katie, but the truth is I needed her more than she needed me. I never thought she would leave me. We spent the other night saying our goodbyes, and I can’t remember ever seeing her so sad. I never asked why she was upset.” Tears began toppling down her face. “We cried together all night, Jason, and in the morning, before I could talk her out of leaving, she was gone. I’m worried,” she paused, glancing away, “how she can just leave like this. I have seen her do it before and never look back. She had shit in her childhood. I think that’s what her bad dreams were about. I never asked. I would hear her screaming at night, and sometimes, she would be in the kitchen in the early mornings just sitting in the dark. She separates herself from things and people…just disconnects.” She gazed at me again. “You need to move on, Jason; she is not coming back and there is no way of getting close to her, even if you found her. She has guards placed on her 24 hours a day.” She used her fingertips to wipe away the tears. “I am sorry.” 

She took my h
and and squeezed it gently. I knew she was trying to comfort me, but her touch made me cringe and I pulled away. I didn’t need to be cajoled; I wasn’t a fucking child. I rolled my head on my shoulders, trying to manage my inferno of anger at the loss of control. “Honestly, I thought you were the key; she seemed so happy around you.” It was an offering, an act to give me the warm-and-fuzzies, but it didn’t work.

We reached my Jeep and I was thankful she finally shut the hell up. I
studied her briefly as I climbed in the Jeep. She flashed a small smile and flicked her hand in a tiny wave, then she turned back and made her way to the elevators. I sighed deeply, remembering it wasn’t Heather I was mad at. I quickly bounced out of the Jeep and made my way over to her.

“Will you give me her phone number?”
My voice boomed in an echo around the garage. She stumbled because I startled her, and then circled back to me. I fished my phone out of my pocket, watched her fiddle with the contacts in hers, and then handed her mine to enter it in.

“Jason
, she hasn’t even returned my calls. When she leaves, she leaves…mentally and physically. She’s checked out. She goes to this dark place in her head and severs ties with everyone. When her grandfather died, I watched her do it. She was sad, but had no tears. I watched as she went into survival mode, and I envied how strong she was. Her grandfather meant
everything
to her.” She handed me back my phone. “Besides, she doesn’t even know where her phone is half the time, especially while her bodyguards are around. They inform her on everything; she is just the passenger, never the driver. She always told me it doesn’t make sense for her to talk to someone on the phone, when she was powerless to make plans to see that person.” She stopped talking, doing her own thinking, and turned away the final time. I thanked her loudly, and I watched her lose her footing at my brash voice.