Forever My Love (Historical Romance) (15 page)

Some vague, troubling thought kept tugging at her mind, filling her with disquiet—but why? She thought about her conversation with the dowager earlier in the evening. Now everything was clear. Preston's mother had somehow known about her son's feelings for Royal and had been trying to explain that she would not be acceptable as his wife.

She leaned against the fluffy pillow and closed her eyes. Even with the bedroom door closed, she could still hear the faint sound of music from the ballroom below and tried to shut it out of her mind.

Since she always compared every gentleman with Damon Routhland, she did so now with Preston. Preston was like a safe, steady harbor, while Damon was like a turbulent sea. Preston would take care of a wife and cherish her—she was not so certain about Damon.

Tomorrow she would return to school; soon she would have completed her education. Where would she go? Surely not back to Savannah. There was nothing, and no one, there for her now.

Bright moonlight filled the room, giving it the appearance of daylight. Royal's head was so filled with thoughts that she knew she would have trouble falling asleep. When she bent forward to blow out the paraffin lamp, there was a knock on the door.

"Come in," she called out, thinking it would be Hannah. She was surprised when Lady Alissa poked her head around the door.

"I hoped you wouldn't be asleep. Do you mind if I come in? Since you will be leaving tomorrow, I feared we would not get a chance to talk."

Royal drew up her legs and encircled them with her arms. "Has the dance ended?"

"Yes, everyone has either gone to bed or left for their own homes."

"You were radiant tonight, Alissa. I don't have to ask if you are happy."

Lady Alissa whirled around and dropped down on the bed. "I am deliriously happy, Royal! I never knew anyone could be as wonderful as Holden."

Royal smiled. "I told your mother that you and Lord Holden were made for each other."

Her friend unhooked the pearl necklace at her throat and toyed with the catch, as if she had something on her mind. At last she spoke. "Preston told me he is going to ask you to marry him." She peeped at Royal through her lashes. "How do you feel about that?"

Royal laid her head against her knees, wishing the ache in her heart would go away. "Ill tell him 'no.' "

Lady Alissa looked deeply into her friend's eyes as if she wanted to read her thoughts. "You know there is nothing I would like better than to have you as my sister, but it can never be. You would be crucified by society and never be accepted into Preston's world. I could not bear to think of anyone shunning you."

"I know everything you say is true. You needn't worry, Alissa. I will tell Preston tomorrow that I don't return his feelings."

"Will that be the truth, Royal?"

"I only know I would never be the object of any dissension within your family. Because, in the end, Preston would be hurt, and I care too much for him to have that happen."

"You have always had a wisdom that went beyond your years."

"I don't feel wise at the moment, Alissa. I feel rather battered and bruised."

"I know you are hurt, but there is no help for it." Alissa was quiet for a moment, and when she spoke her voice trembled. "Did Preston tell you he will be going away?"

"No, he didn't, but perhaps that will be the solution for him."

Lady Alissa turned her head so Royal would not see the tears glistening in her eyes. "I cannot believe he is leaving."

"Where is he going?" Royal asked hurriedly.

"On some mission for the prime minister. He was rather vague about the details. I don't think Mother is pleased about it at all."

Suddenly a horrible thought tore at Royal's heart, and she grasped Alissa's hand. "Surely Preston is not going to the Colonies to fight in that awful conflict? Tell me that isn't so!"

"He is sailing for the Colonies," Lady Alissa admitted, "but not to fight. As Nathan's heir, Preston can't buy a commission, of course. He will be on some sort of diplomatic mission." Although Lady Alissa was disturbed about Preston leaving, she managed to speak encouragingly. "Mother says women are not supposed to think about wars and conflicts. We shall just have to think of Preston as being away on an extended holiday." Her smile was not convincing. "That's what I'm going to think."

Royal couldn't speak. The ache inside her was too new—not to be able to see Preston would be painful indeed.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Lady Alissa proclaimed. "A letter came for you this evening. I told the maid to bring it to you. Did you get it?"

Royal slid off the bed and moved to the dressing table. She immediately recognized John Bartholomew's handwriting on the envelope. "It's from my guardian's secretary," she said, reluctant to open it.

"I'll leave you alone," Lady Alissa said, hugging Royal. "I hope you will believe that I care about you, Royal. Preston can take care of himself, but I will not have you hurt."

Royal watched Lady Alissa slip out the door, closing it behind her. Then, with trepidation, she opened the letter and began to read:

Dear Mistress Bradford,

Since your education is coming to an end, and acting on Mr. Routhland's instructions, I have notified Mr. Webber to arrange passage for your return voyage home. Mr. Routhland has asked me to convey his pledge that you need have no fear because of
the war. Every precaution will be taken to assure you safe passage. When the plans have been finalized, you will be notified.

Respectfully yours,

John Bartholomew

Royal stared at the letter with unseeing eyes. The day she had once longed for had come at last, only now she did not want to return to Savannah. She wondered if Damon Routhland's power was such that he could reach across a warring sea and order her home.

No, she thought, flinging the letter aside, she would not return to Savannah. She was not the same girl who had left Georgia four years ago. She felt no kinship with the rebels. Her life was here, and she never wanted to go back!

She dropped down on the bed, thinking she would certainly tell Mr. Bartholomew "no."

"You can't make me return, Damon," she cried, turning her face into her pillow.

Her mind was whirling, and she pressed her fingers against her temples to stop the aching throb. Perhaps she could ask Mrs. Fortescue to employ her as a teacher at Fulham. That was certainly a respectable profession.

Hot tears gathered in her eyes. She thought of Damon Routhland. She could still see the softness of his eyes as he had assured her that he would take care of her, but so had Preston. Yet somehow she needed the comfort thoughts of Damon invoked.

Suddenly she remembered something she had pushed to the back of her mind. Now it was as if she could hear the sound of Damon Routhland's voice as he had talked to her at their parting.

"Will you remember me?" she had asked childishly.

"Forever and a day, Royal," he had pledged. "For you are etched in my mind."

"Is that a promise?" she had continued to question.

"That's a promise," he had assured her.

What am I to do? she cried. Where do I belong?

15

Dearest Papa,

At this confusing time in my life, I wish I had the benefit of your wisdom. I don't know where the future will take me, I only know I must turn Preston away this morning. And, oh, it hurts so badly, Papa.

Even though a brisk wind was blowing, it was a warm day. Occasionally, high thin clouds would move across the sky to block out the sun.

Royal urged her mount up a grassy slope and reined in so Preston could catch up with her.

When he rode up beside Royal, he noticed her hair had come loose from her jaunty little hat and was blowing across her face. He reached forward and tucked a golden strand behind her ear while staring at her, his eyes soft with longing. Royal's cheeks were flushed, and there was a light of challenge in her eyes.

"I outdistanced you by a good five lengths," she said, using her expert horsemanship to control the spirited Enchantress, who pranced beneath her.

He reached out and covered her hand with his. "I never mind losing to such a charming opponent." His gaze moved to the distant view of his home, and he was silent for a moment.

Royal could sense in him a restlessness, and she dreaded the confrontation that was to come. "Is something amiss?" she inquired, knowing well why he appeared so troubled.

"If you look carefully," he said, nodding toward his ancestral home, "you can see where the old moat once surrounded the castle."

"Yes, I see it," she answered, aware that he was making polite conversation because he could not yet say what was in his heart. "I observed last spring that the grass is greener where the moat once was, and the ground is a bit sunken. When was the moat filled in?"

He shrugged. "I'm not certain. Alissa could tell you more about it than I. All I know is that the castle was built in 1461 during the War of the Roses, and it has always been in my family."

She saw him draw in a deep breath and look toward the heavens. "Why don't you tell me what is really on your mind, Preston?" she suggested.

He didn't answer her at once, and when he did he turned to her. "I hardly slept last night for wondering what this day would bring. I knew you would either give me my heart's desire or leave me in the depths of despair. Don't send me away without hope."

"Oh, Preston, don't do this to us. You know to love me is forbidden."

He was suddenly aware of the burden he was putting on her—she was so young she could not know how the thought of never possessing her tormented him. He had to curb his passion so he wouldn't frighten her. "Forgive me for taking unfair advantage of your youth."

"Preston," she said, unable to deal with his distress, "Alissa has told me you are going away. Perhaps by the time you return, you will have forgotten all about me."

"That's not likely," he said, turning to watch a hawk circle above them. "But perhaps we should talk of other matters. Are you aware that I am going to the Colonies? It isn't likely that I shall be in any danger since my mission is a diplomatic one and not military."

Her breathing closed off, and she felt a heaviness in her heart. "You will be missed."

"By you?"

"Yes, me and your family."

He turned his face up to the sky and felt the cooling breeze touch his cheek. "Which is to be for me, Royal... happiness or despair?"

"I can't marry you, Preston. I could no more fit into your world than you could function in mine. Surely you see this."

She glanced across the green valley to the imposing brick structure with its wide turrets and vaulted windows. Somehow she had to convince Preston that she was not destined to live in that castle. She turned back to find him watching her with expectation, and it broke her heart.

"If two people love enough, they can overcome any obstacle."

She felt herself weakening until she remembered her conversations with his mother and sister. "I do care a great deal for you, Preston. And I shall say a prayer for your safety every night."

"It is not your prayers I want, Royal. I want you to be my wife!"

She turned away, wishing she could say yes. Oh, how she wanted him to take her in his arms—how she wanted to confess the tender feelings she had for him. Surely it was love that tugged at her heart.

"No, Preston, I will not marry you... not without your mother's permission."

His eyes clouded with suspicion. "So that's what this is all about. My mother has been talking to you. She told you to refuse me, didn't she?"

She dared not look into his eyes for fear he would see the truth. "She only told me what we both already know. You will one day be a duke, Preston. The only family I have is an actress—not that I'm ashamed of Aunt Arabella, but how would it look if we were married, and we sat her at the dinner table along with your friends?"

His lips twitched. "Your aunt is a very good actress. I imagine she would add merriment to any occasion."

"Be serious," she admonished him. "You know I am not suited to your way of life."

"Will you send me away without hope in my heart?"

"Preston, don't say anything more that you might regret," she implored. "We both know there can be nothing between us but friendship."

He reached for her hand and pushed her glove aside to place his lips at her wrist. "It's more than friendship I feel for you. Perhaps it was a mistake for me to speak of marriage at this time."

She touched his cheek with her free hand. "You are the gentlest man I have ever known, and I am honored to be loved by you. I'll always treasure this moment, even when I'm very old." A lone tear fell from her lashes and trailed down her cheek. "I will remember the dashingly handsome Englishman who touched my life."

As she spoke, she watched anguish move over Preston's face. "My dearest love, my heart will always be empty without you to fill it."

She shook her head, masking her confusion as she watched him leap from his horse and hold his arms up to her. She was grasped in his strong arms and placed on the ground. Preston pulled her to him, and she laid her face against his rough coat. Silently they stood there, each lost in anguish.

For the moment she felt cherished, but she was only borrowing love that belonged to someone else. She raised her head and looked into his soft eyes. "Perhaps in another world and another time it would have been possible for us to love one another. But not here, and not at this time."

He tilted his head, looking heartbreakingly handsome in his blue coat against the backdrop of blue sky. "I think," he said, pulling her closer, "that you are wise beyond your years. But you do not know me if you think I will give you up so easily." He tilted her chin up and covered her lips with his in a kiss that was filled with yearning.

Royal was stirred by a sweetness that filled her body, and an emotion she had never felt before stirred deep inside her. Yes, she thought, it was so right that Preston should be the first man to kiss her.

When he raised his head his eyes were intense, his breathing uneven. He turned away from her and ran a nervous hand through his hair. "If it were not for this war, I would whisk you away and marry you with or without your consent. You cannot possibly know the depths of feelings you arouse in a man, can you?"

Her eyes were wide and innocent as she shook her head.

"No, of course you can't." His eyes flamed. "I will one day show you what I mean."

She leaned her head against his shoulder. "When must you leave?"

"Soon. I don't know the exact date."

"Will I see you again before you depart?" she asked with a heavy heart.

He turned her to face him, bending to kiss her gently. When she did not protest, he deepened the kiss. At last he released her and groaned, trying not to think of how she had responded. "If possible, I will come to you before I leave." He embraced her so tightly she could scarcely breathe. "If I cannot come to you, I will write."

Royal raised her head, feeling as if her whole body were filled with love for this man who, but for an accident of birth, might have become her husband.

He lowered his head and kissed her with a new desperation. "I love you," he whispered in a passionate voice. "I will keep a vision within my heart of the way you look at this moment. I will take the memory of the blueness of your eyes with me always. And know that when I return I will claim you as my own."

Royal closed her eyes, wanting to hold on to this moment. She thought how strange life was with its little twists of fate. "Take the greatest care of yourself," she said, looking at him with sadness. She buried her face against his shoulder. "Promise me that you won't allow anything to happen to you, Preston."

He laughed. "That is one promise I intend to keep. I have every reason to return. Come," he said, leading her to her horse and lifting her onto the saddle. "You have to journey to London today."

***

As Royal helped Hannah pack her trunks, Lady Alissa came to her room. "Preston is very quiet, Royal. I take it that you discouraged his suit."

Royal looked at her friend with anger. "Yes, I did all the things you and your family expected of me. It was bitterly cruel, Alissa! I hurt Preston today."

"I know," she said in understanding. "But it was the only way."

"He has not given up," Royal warned. "He still believes we can be together."

"I know that, too. But your answer must always be the same."

"Alissa, I have done all you and your mother asked, but please, let's not talk about it anymore."

Lady Alissa moved out the door, overcome with sadness. There was a gulf between her and Royal. She had known secretly this day would come because of Preston's feelings for her friend. She would miss the best friend she had ever known.

***

Royal's head swayed back and forth with the rolling motion of the coach. The day's events played through her memory like a sad, sweet song.

Preston's mother had been stiff, almost cold, when she had bid her good-bye today. Royal knew she would not be invited back to Chiswick Castle, nor would she go if asked.

She felt as if the threads of her life were once more coming unraveled. Although she had avoided thinking about Savannah, she was now forced to remember.

The day would soon come when she must consider returning home—she had no choice. She needed to be gone by the time Preston returned to England. If he asked her to marry him again, she might weaken in spite of his family's objections.

***

It was dusk when the carriage pulled up to Fulham School. Royal was tired and went straight to her room without greeting any of her friends.

She dismissed Hannah and undressed herself in the dark before crawling wearily into bed. She was too numb and hurt to think, yet she remained awake until just before dawn. When she finally fell asleep, she was possessed by a dream that she had not had in a very long time.

In the dream she was a lost little girl, running and searching in the shadows for someone to comfort her. Then out of the gloomy darkness came a comforting hand that brought her warmth and peace of mind.

In her shadowy world, Royal stared into golden eyes that were pulling at her—haunting her—reminding her that she did not belong in England. Her home was in Savannah!

With sheer strength of will, Royal dragged herself out of the dream world to find her pillow wet with tears.