Forever Ours (15 page)

He takes his time, sinking in and out of me with the ease of a boat bobbing on a calm sea. That’s what I am right now. I am a calm sea because the storm hasn’t arrived yet. I know everything will be different when Chris leaves, but right now I want to enjoy this small sliver of peace.

He kisses the tears as they slide down my temples. I tighten my arms around his shoulders and crush my lips against his as we both let go … forever?

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chris

Forever Lost

“Are you calling me from a pay phone?”
 

Claire’s voice sounds like a beautiful symphony on the other end of this staticky pay phone.

“I lost my phone at the airport, but I had to call you as soon as I got here.” I look around my new L.A. neighborhood. A hot, simmering concrete jungle; lifeless and loveless. “I miss you so fucking much.”

“You've been gone ten hours.”

“Worst ten hours of my life.”

She’s silent for a while, then she lets out a soft, forced chuckle. “Hey, want to hear a funny story? Your mom came home this morning with a sunburn. A
bad
sunburn. So I went to the drugstore to get her some aloe vera and the clerk — ”

“Claire, I don't think I can do this.”

“Do what?”

“Be without you.”

Silence again. I’m getting so fucking tired of silence.

“I don’t think we should be talking about this,” she says, her voice hardly louder than a whisper. “I think you need to give yourself some time to adjust first. Then we can talk about it. You can’t throw away all those years of hard work.”

It’s hard to argue with Claire when she’s right. But I still fucking hate that she’s right. I want to throw it all away.

“I love you.”

“I should go. I have to take the dog for a walk.”

“Claire?”

“Yes?”

“Are you still wearing your ring?”

She lets out a soft sigh. “I can’t do this, Chris. It hurts too much. Goodbye.”

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Claire

Forever Torn

august 20, 2012

My phone vibrates on the nightstand and I know it’s going to be him. I haven’t heard from Chris since the semester began last week. He’s been spending fourteen hours a day in the studio. Or so he says.

I slide the phone off the nightstand and stare at Chris’s name flashing on the screen. Then I take a deep breath and touch the green button.
 

“Chris.”

“Were you asleep?”

“No, I’m just studying.” Lie number one.

“Do you have time to talk?”

“Not really. I’m trying to finish a paper.” Lie number two.

“You don’t have ten minutes to talk? I want to hear about your week.”

I pause for a moment, trying to gather the courage to say what needs to be said. Then I realize I will probably never have the courage. So I might as well just say it.

“Chris, you have to stop calling me.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s too hard.”

“But we agreed to stay friends.”

“Friends,” I repeat this word with a level of disgust that surprises even me.

“You don’t want to be friends with me?”

“That’s not what I meant.” I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but it’s useless. “I don’t think that’s possible for us. Friends tell each other things, Chris. And … I don’t want to know what you’re doing.”

There’s a long, heavy silence where I begin to believe he may have hung up. Then, “Claire?”

“Chris, please. I’m sorry. It just hurts too much. And I want you to do what you want. I don’t want to worry about who you’re fucking or — ”

“ — I’m not going to — ”

“ — Chris, stop.”

“I’m coming home.”

“Stop! Stop calling me …
Please!”

“Claire.”

“Stop saying my name. I have to go.”

I end the call and throw the phone at the wall so he can’t call me back. Then I pull the covers over my head and allow myself to cry. I tell myself that this will be my last day to let myself remember Chris. My last day to revel in the memories and soak my pillow with the tears. This will be the last day.
 

Tomorrow, we will no longer be Chris and Claire, past, present, or future. Tomorrow, the process of forgetting begins. I don’t know how I’ll forget the most amazing years of my life. But there’s no other way.

I can’t let Chris throw away everything he’s worked so hard to achieve. Not for me … or anyone.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chris

Forever Shattered

I stare at the phone in my hand, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. I mean, I knew this was coming. I could hear it in her voice. She’s not the same. Neither am I. The distance has killed who we were.

I set the phone down on the kitchen counter in my shitty L.A. apartment. Then I back away from it, as if it’s a ticking time bomb. I bump against the oven behind me and that’s when I feel it. In my back pocket.

I slide my hand into my pocket and retrieve the glass heart Claire gave me last year. I’ve carried it with me every day since the day she handed it to me in Moore Square. I read the words engraved on the surface:
ever thine, ever mine, ever ours.

She wants nothing more to do with me. She probably stopped wearing my ring the day I left.
 

Fine. If that’s the way she wants it.

I hurl the heart across the room and it hits the wall and shatters on the floor in front of the refrigerator.

I came to L.A. because I wanted to follow through on everything I’ve been working toward since I picked up my first guitar twelve years ago. I never would have quit school and worked my ass off the past three years if I thought this would never happen. But … I would have thrown it all away for her. For us.

Now I see that she won’t let me. Maybe this is easier for her than it is for me. Maybe I was just weighing her down. Taking up her time when she could have been studying or partying. Maybe she’s been wanting to breakup for a while.

Staring at the shattered heart, I get a sick thought. Would Claire and I still be together if I had given her an engagement ring instead of a promise ring?

I shake my head at this craziness.

Claire promised to love me forever. I knew forever was too good to be true.

Chapter Thirty

Claire

Forever Aching

december, 2012

Senia’s three-year-old sister, Sophie, has become very good at working the TV remote. Watching her flipping through the channels, her chubby finger pressed on the “plus” button, all I can do is smile. She’ll find some cartoon show eventually. Or she’ll get tired of holding down the button and give me the remote so I can find the cartoons.

A few seconds later, my prediction comes true. In the worst way possible. She gets tired of pressing the button and she drops the remote into my lap.

“Cartoons,” Sophie pleads.

But I can’t move. My eyes are glued to the images on the screen. A celebrity gossip show.

“Rocker Chris Knight has been spotted around town with Nicole Priestly, star of this season’s blockbuster,
Alive
. Rumors are flying that they were spotted making out in a booth at Triple X, a swanky new restaurant-slash-
strip
club
in West Hollywood where all the young celebrities are hanging out these days. Knight’s publicist denies the two are anything more than friends. Hmmm… I don’t remember the last time I tasted the inside of
my
buddy’s mouth.”

God, I’m such an idiot!

“Cartoons!”

I’ve spent the last five months basically lying in bed feeling sorry for both of us. Feeling like we’ve both suffered with the most difficult decision I ever made; a decision I know I’ll always regret. And there he is, shoving his tongue into someone else’s mouth. Probably shoving other things in other places, as well. I wouldn’t call that suffering.

I knew Chris would move on eventually, but seeing it happen right before my eyes is something else. Now, this nameless girl I imagined him screwing has a face. A very famous face. Imagining his hands on her. His lips on her. His …
Ugh!
It makes me sick.

“Claire! Cartoons!”

I can’t watch TV anymore. That’s the only way to avoid this torture.

I pick up the remote and change the channel as Senia walks in with two ice cream sundaes; one for me and one for her.
 

I shake my head. “I’m not hungry.”

“Claire, you have to eat. It’s the holidays.”

“Ice cream!” Sophie screams.

“This isn’t for you,” Senia says, and Sophie’s bottom lips juts out. Senia rolls her eyes and sets the sundae down on the coffee table in front of Sophie. “You can have a few bites.”

Sophie digs into her ice cream and I watch in complete wonderment. How could something as simple as ice cream turn a bad day into a good one for a child? What would turn my bad day into a good one?

Don’t answer that question
, I chide myself.
 

Chapter Thirty-One

Chris

Forever Restless

The buzzing noise seeps into my dream and it takes a moment for me to realize it’s my phone. I snatch the phone off the bedside table, squinting at the bright screen, and groan when I see the phone number.