FOREWORD (57 page)

RED

I’m twenty and a junior in college. I’m of average height, weight and intelligence. I consider myself homely (most persons won’t disagree). I have a little penis under six inches, but lovers have said it seemed larger.

For the last year, I’ve been exclusively gay. I would be less gay if I weren’t afraid of women. Men are easy to cruise because it has no emotion to it, and usually consists of a quick suck and fuck. Women are more emotional and deeper in feelings, possibly causing a long-term affair and not a quickie.

When I cruise men I do it only for sex; with women I usually get to know them and then feel guilty about wanting to ball them. If I don’t know her, I think she’s a whore (that is if we ball), and I despise whores.

Nancy Friday

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Last night while thinking of new fantasies to beat off to, I thought about my sex life to date, and the many fantasies I’ve had and the events that caused them. The first fantasy I remember is a variation of an experience that happened when I was twelve.

I was at a basketball court near the woods, playing by myself, when older guys (high school seniors) took the ball and ran in the woods. I chased them and they cornered me. They said if I didn’t lick their dicks they’d deflate the ball. I was afraid to have the ball deflated and got on my knees and licked their dicks. They left after that, and quit picking on me. I fantasize about that a lot.

Years later, a classmate and I would masturbate each other. I felt guilty about this and told him to forget the sordid affair and never saw him again. But I think about him when I masturbate.

Not long after that time, I began heavy necking with a girl in my class. I did feel her tits, but that’s as far as I ever got. I give this information to help you possibly understand why I have the fantasies I do.

Back to last night. Out of this contemplation, I received two fantasies – one old, one new.

The old one: I’m in a busy building and see people (male and female) I want to feel up. To fulfill my desire, I wave my ass twice in a circle, and point my cock at the building. This puts everyone inside in a state of suspended animation. Then I feel up some people, others I strip, some I even pose in sexual positions with others. This is where the fantasy ends. I had this around fifteen or sixteen years old.

The new one (it’s an update of the affair with the girl I mentioned above) : She comes to my room in college (she does live on the same campus), and we talk about old days.

She mentions she remembers my lying on top of her and feeling her boobs. She particularly remembers I had a hard-on and says she’s fantasized of it for years. Then she reaches between my legs and feels my cock. It becomes instantly Men In Love

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hard. She then rips off my pants and sucks me off, then rapes me.

ARTHUR

I’m fifteen and gay. I’ve never admitted this to anyone before, but after all – ANONYMITY GUARANTEED – what’s to lose? Actually I don’t give a damn if anyone thinks I’m queer or not ... I sure as hell am not gonna fake like I get a hard-on every time I see a bra strap!! I’m no hypocrite! Guys just turn me on – sexually at least. It’s funny, but I don’t think I could actually feel love toward another male like I have toward certain girls. You know – a warm wholesome emotion. And yet, girls don’t excite me when it comes to sex.

Look, don’t bother with a psychoanalysis of my situation – at least, hear one of my sexual fantasies first.

I am most highly attracted by cool-looking guys about my age, you know, teenagers. Lots of times when I masturbate, I imagine that I am in a high school locker room with all these guys around me. At first they’re all jeering and poking at me

– “the fat kid.” Then they start to pull my pants off. To make it look good, I thrash around and swear a lot, but in the end, I just lie back and let them strip me. Naturally I have a huge erection and for a second, the gang is stunned. They just stand there in silence, and gape at my groin. Some of the guys are breathing hard and move closer. I push my dick toward the cutest one, and rub it slowly. He looks around at the others, and they just shrug their shoulders. Slowly he takes my penis in hand, and starts jerking me off. I close my eyes and thrust upward to meet him. Then I pull him nearer and prop my legs on his shoulders. Now he’s staring down at my balls and asshole. Suddenly, he goes wild and buries his head between my legs. Now he’s sucking and rubbing and pulling and grunting. Then he starts ripping off his own clothes, and I see he has a flaming hard-on. I get down on my knees and under his crotch. He brutally pushes his prick into Nancy Friday

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my mouth and holds my head there. I start sucking on it like a milking machine and stick a finger up his hairy ass. He shudders and I feel his hot sperm shoot into my throat. Finally his dick goes limp and he sighs contentedly.

I get up and see that the others are all naked and balling each other. I go over and get my dick up one guy’s asshole, and start pumping. He’s bouncing around in joy and playing with my balls. I feel it coming, so I freeze until it passes.

Then I lay my playmate down on a bench and rub my hand all over his thighs. He spreads his legs to me and I press our balls together. Then we jerk each other off. Just before I shoot, he catches my dick in his mouth and my jism squirts like a geyser.

My fantasy hasn’t come true
yet
– but who knows!!?

Every psychiatrist has had the new patient who announces in a panic that he is homosexual because he just had a fantasy about sex with another man. What is ignored by the patient is his own panic. If the idea were really attractive to him, why would he come rushing to the doctor’s office to be “cured?” I don’t think it an accident that most of the men who labeled themselves as belonging in this chapter are so young. In our teens and early twenties, we’ve had so little real experience, have such tremendous needs to measure up, that we are quick to name ourselves, even if it is with a name we fear.

Anything seems better than the anxiety of not knowing who you are. A label gives you something to hang on to, a sense of direction and maturity. “That’s who I am, and that’s where I’m going.” My own feeling is that in another five or ten years, several of the men in this chapter may well have changed their minds.

During his mid- to late teens, a boy’s sexual powers are at peak, almost awesome in their drive for expression. The timing could not be worse: The girls he grew up with have suddenly matured at a rate faster than his, and are looking for

“older” men. Younger girls are scary, too. A seventeen-year-Men In Love

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old can barely handle his own anxieties about sex. How can he take care of a fifteen-year-old who is more frightened than he and so looks to him for absolute guidance, sophistication, and responsibility?

Obviously, most seventeen-year-olds do find partners, but what happens? The girl has had little experience with anyone (herself included) touching her. When he puts his hand between her legs, she is shocked and cries out that he is gross.

She feels less loved now that he has “spoiled” everything by doing this awful thing. Either she wants to be taken home immediately, or demands that he atone for his terrible behavior by being sweeter to her, more romantic, more huggy, more kissy ... less sexual.

Angry at being made to feel guilty, humiliated in his own mind by comparing himself to his supposedly more successful friends, and perhaps most important-still frustrated sexually, the boy in his rage can easily turn away from trouble-some women, back to that earlier, free-and-easy kind of sex he had with the other guys. “I don’t think any man really ever forgets the pleasure he once enjoyed with boys when he was very young,” said Nick August at the beginning of this chapter.

The male split between “good and “bad” girls never seems so irreconcilable as it does at this time of life. Red (above) explains his homosexual choice this way: “With women I usually get to know them and then feel guilty about wanting to ball them. If I don’t know her, I think she’s a whore (that is, if we ball), and I despise whores.”

My usual practice is to accept whatever definition people give themselves, but in most of the fantasies above, I am not so sure. Sixteen-year-old Jonas and Tommy and seventeen-year-old Philip (all above) could each indeed become confirmed homosexuals, especially if a strong male love interest should enter their lives at this time. But it is equally possible that this love may arrive in feminine form, swinging them the other way ... or both. There may be a prejudice of my own at work here. I am only too aware of the coercive power of Nancy Friday

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words in print. If I agreed with these young men that they were homosexual, they might take it as confirmation of as identity they may later wish to change.

Arthur (above) seems to present a less ambivalent problem. He wants to put it all up front. He’s not going to pretend that women excite him at all; and indeed, in my reading, he seems more defined in his sexual preferences than some men in this chapter who are older than he. “I’m no hypocrite!” he sternly tells us. I don’t think he is. But he is also fifteen. His tone of voice carries conviction; but at his age, perhaps he himself is still too young to know what he is going to grow up to be.

FRITZ

I’m a bachelor and I’m also a homosexual. I’ve been gay since I was a young boy. I still remember my first homosexual experience, when I was twelve years old, and sucked the cock of my boyfriend, who was the same age. I love to suck cocks and taste and swallow the come juice out of them.

While I prefer to give a cock a blow job, I like to take it up my asshole, too. The muscle in my ass is stretched and I could easily take up to twelve inches.

I jack off quite a lot and when I shoot, I eat my own come.

A day doesn’t go by that I don’t have sperm to drink. I love to eat semen.

When I was in service, I was stationed in Germany. There was a men’s room in a PX that was plenty wild. There was a suck hole with some great action. The guys would line up to get sucked. One was a sergeant who came about four times a week to dump his load of come. His wife and three kids lived with him. I sucked him off many times through the hole, and would see him about the base. He never knew I was the one.

It was an assembly line basis. The most cocks I ever sucked in one sitting was about twenty-five. I’m counting only the ones I got loads from. Now and then a guy would put his dick Men In Love

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through and pull out before he shot his wad. I used to like to see the variety of shapes and sizes, cut and uncut, and the differences in the volume of their loads.

I really dig married trade. Not far from where I live there’s a chain of discount stores. On Saturday afternoons, I go from one to the other and man the suck holes. Lots of married men come there shopping with their families, and while the wife and kids are out in the store, they come in and stick their dicks through the hole and dump a load in my mouth. Many times the pickings are poor, but there are days when it’s a bonanza. I’ve gotten ten loads like that in one Saturday afternoon. I also get a kick out of sucking a guy and later seeing him in the parking lot with his family, getting into the car.

Because of the fact that I’m a cocksucker, I have one fantasy that I wish would come true. I equate come juice from cocks with mother’s milk from the female breasts. I think of how beautiful it would be if there were one hundred naked boys between the ages of thirteen and fifteen standing in line with big wonderful hard-ons. I would be on my knees on a soft cushioned conveyor belt, stopping before each lovely hard-on and then proceed to suck the heavenly come out of each cock. I would even suck and swallow the remaining drops of come juice that were still in the shaft of each cock after it had shot its wad. I would also want one hundred boys behind me, fucking me in the ass, while my mouth was getting fucked.

JETHRO

I am a homosexual boy, seventeen years old, and am presently a senior at a rural high school. I’ve been gay for as long as I have been aware of sexuality and have no desire to change. My parents acknowledge homosexuality, but refuse to accept it as something good. They know of my homosexuality.

Nancy Friday

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Now my fantasies. I guess you could say that I am a sadist.

My fantasies all deal with some form of domination, either by me or by someone else. All my fantasies deal with someone being raped by me or someone else. The victim is always someone younger and weaker than me. Sometimes even a cripple, or a person with some kind of handicap. And the victim is always a boy.

In my favorite fantasy the boy is either tied spread eagled on my bed or else I am straddling him and pinning him down.

My victim’s clothes are off and so are mine. I walk teasingly around the bed listening to him plead with me to let him up.

When I am good and ready I jump on the bed and if he is tied down I kneel beside him and look him over while playing with my steadily growing penis. If he is not tied down I jump right up on his chest and begin. I immediately start torturing him: spitting in his face, pulling his hair, and sitting on his head. After I’ve done these things I usually have a tremendous hard-on. (When fully erect, my penis measures about seven inches. Though not as large as some I’ve heard about, it serves its purpose very well.) The boy struggling beneath me makes it even harder.

I force his mouth open and shove my prick in as far as it will go, pressing his face into my crotch with my hands behind his head. I can see and hear him choking and gagging and this and his efforts to get up are just about making me go crazy, but I don’t let up until I’ve shot my whole load down his throat and made him swallow every drop. I then sit back and look at his face dripping with my come and relax a minute. Then I move up and sit square on his face, place my anus over his mouth, making him smell and tongue me. I then pull back and let my balls fall all over his face, jamming my prick into his nose and eyes, making him beg me to stop. If I have to piss, I either go all over his face or else I force his mouth open again, stuff my prick in and piss down his throat, making him swallow all of it. If I really feel nasty I will take a shit on his face and either smear it over his face or make him eat it.