Forget Me Not (23 page)

Lexi is looking up at me, she’s pushing her hair away from her face with her free hand and trying to say something, but rain blows into her eyes and I can’t hear her. I bend down closer and she whispers in my ear.

‘Where is Mummy?’ she says.

I kneel down and hug her tight. Her arms creep around me.

‘I love you,’ I say. I hold her as close as I can without crushing her. ‘Everything will be all right,’ I say. ‘You’ll see.’

I feel her body relax. I pull her hood further forward over her face. I stand up, taking hold of her hand again.

The sound of my blood churning in my ears is growing louder. I expect Ben to drive up alongside us at any moment and cause a terrible scene. I need to get away from this corner, it’s too well lit outside the station and people and cars are passing all the time. I’m squeezing Lexi’s hand; I try to relax my grip.

At the corner, the traffic lights change to green. We cross over to the other side. A taxi is approaching us, the yellow light on the roof shining. I’m about to hold out my hand to hail him when I feel a tugging at my coat. Lexi is pointing at something, at someone. Behind us, on the other side of the street, is a woman who looks exactly like her mother. A woman wearing a long black goatskin coat.

Lexi jerks away from me. Our hands are slick with the rain and she slides from my grasp.

The temperature of a body can change in a split second. Plummet. Break out into a sweat. I grab at the back of her coat, but she’s already gone. She runs, across one lane and into the middle of the road. I fix my eyes on the back of her hood as though I could stop her, bring her back, with sheer force of will.

I run out into the road after her. A gust of wind drives the rain into my eyes as I scream her name.

She cries out as she slips and falls, pitching forward, her knees slamming against asphalt, hands outstretched to break her fall. Headlights bear down on her, the windscreen wipers of the taxi swish back and forth, the driver does not see the small girl with ginger hair and a grey coat lying in the road.

But Cleo sees, and she is closer. She runs, throws herself at Lexi, and there is a terrible, tearing sound as the taxi driver skids and cannot stop in time.

A terrible, dull thud. Two bodies in the middle of the road.

It’s one thirty in the morning and I’m sitting, zombie-like, on a vinyl-covered chair in a small cubicle-type room in Accident and Emergency. My coat lies across two chairs; it’s muddied, black in places, from when I sat on the pavement with Lexi in my arms.

When I close my eyes, I can hear Vivien and Cleo chattering and giggling behind Vivien’s closed door. I can hear the tinny sound of the tape recorder as the same song plays over and over again. ‘Club Tropicana’. The girls are happy, I’m sure of it. There’s no need for me to go inside and check on them.

Lexi shivers, a small and terrified animal. I hold her and rock her, but I cannot comfort her. She is fighting me. I turn her away, so she does not see the body. She screams for her mother.

Cars form a blockade on either side of us. People stop to help, and to stare. The taxi driver turns Cleo onto her side in the wet darkness. A man drops his briefcase and covers her with a long coat. Her body is very, very still.

The flashing lights of the ambulance arrive mercifully quickly. I am surrounded by familiar sounds and familiar smells. The buzzing of monitors, the sharp, clean smell.

I hear loud footsteps approaching. Wooden soles. I pray it’s Ben, to give me news of Lexi, or even Ben with his daughter in his arms, saying she wants her grandmother. But of course it isn’t Ben, because Ben wants nothing to do with me.

When I open my eyes, Isaac is standing in the doorway. His hands are shoved down into the pockets of his rain-stained mackintosh, his shoulders are tense and his expression is forbidding. I can hear his accusation in the way he looks at me. Ben looked at me the same way when he arrived at the hospital to find me at his daughter’s bedside.

‘How’s Lexi?’ I say.

‘She’s stable. They’re keeping her in overnight.’

I exhale. ‘I thought so. I knew she wasn’t badly hurt. I had a look at her while we waited for the ambulance.’

Isaac doesn’t move. He doesn’t say anything comforting.

‘Cleo’s having a CT scan,’ I say. ‘They haven’t been able to trace any next of kin, so I said I’d stay.’

I stand up, uncomfortable under his stare, and I go over to the water machine. I pull out one of the plastic cups, and several more fall out, dropping to the floor. I pick them up, balance them on top of the machine and pour myself a cup of cold water.

I find my nurse’s persona, and I wrap it round me like a cloak before I turn to face him.

‘What happened?’ Isaac says.

‘I went over to the house to check on Lexi. Ben wasn’t home and he’d left her alone with Cleo. Cleo was unstable – crying one minute and angry the next. I couldn’t get her to leave the house. She told me all sorts of things, about her past …’

I remember, then, what she’d said about Isaac, what she’d intimated about him and Vivien. But there’s no point repeating her divisive accusations. Not now.

‘It wasn’t safe for us to stay in that house, I had to get Lexi out of there. I only meant to take her as far as my flat. But Cleo followed us and when Lexi saw her, she pulled away from me and ran towards her. You see Cleo had deliberately made herself up to look exactly like Vivien. Her hair, her make-up – she was wearing Vivien’s fur coat, for God’s sake – everything.’

My mouth is dry and stale. My head pounds and my neck and shoulders ache. I’m ready to sink under the weight of it all. But I cannot sink, because it would be selfish. I try to slow down, to sound rational.

‘Isaac,’ I say, ‘Cleo had been stalking them for years. There’s evidence in her flat. I’ve been to see the police about it. DS Cole told me Cleo has a history of violence. She assaulted someone. I know that in hindsight what I did seems reckless, but I was afraid for Lexi’s safety.’

Isaac frowns. I’m not sure if he believes me, but he is my last hope. With his support, Ben might forgive me.

‘Ben has reported you to the police,’ he says.

I want to say something, but no sound comes out. I clear my throat and try again. ‘Reported me for what?’

‘Child abduction.’ His tone is grim. He’s serious.

‘That’s insane. I’m her grandmother. You have to convince Ben to talk to me.’

‘Ben is with Lexi. He won’t let you anywhere near his daughter right now.’

My chest has seized up. The pounding in my head threatens to take me over, but I keep it at bay. I have to think.

‘You took Alexandra out of her bed, in the middle of the night, without permission, and without telling Ben where his daughter was,’ Isaac goes on. ‘How the hell did you think he’d react?’

His voice is so cold.

‘I swear, I was trying to protect her. Help me, Isaac, please. I know how much influence you have over Ben. This can be sorted out. Lexi is safe. She’s unhurt.’

I see Cleo’s body, lying limp on the wet tarmac. I see Lexi’s palms, full of grit and blood.
I see Vivien, too.
All my fault.

‘I am trying to help you,’ he says. ‘That’s why I’m here. The police are looking for you and I think it’s better if you don’t talk to them tonight. You might say things you regret. Maybe you should find a lawyer, before you talk to anyone.’

‘I can’t leave Cleo here alone.’

‘You just said she’s dangerous.’

‘I know. But she’s also … I’ve handled this so badly. Cleo saved Lexi’s life, too. Even though she caused the accident.’

I hear myself. I’m incoherent.

‘Rose, stop.’ Isaac walks forward and picks up my coat. He drapes it around my shoulders and then he puts his arm around me and guides me out. The nurses are busy, nowhere to be seen, and no one notices us leave. Outside, the car park is near empty. The rain has stopped.

‘Where are we going?’ I say.

‘To my place. I’ve asked a friend to send through details of a solicitor.’

‘Is that really necessary?’

‘I think it’s a good idea.’

As Isaac walks with me towards Vivien’s car, I realize I don’t care about the police. I only fear the damage I have done to my already fragile relationship with Ben.

His arm is heavy around my shoulders and it should be a comfort; at least I’m not alone. Yet the weight of it also feels like a restraint. I twist around, to look back at the hospital, and I shrug his arm away.

‘I need to be here, at this hospital. I’m not leaving without seeing Ben.’

‘For God’s sake, Rose, leave him alone. Do you have any idea of the damage you nearly did tonight? He’s barely begun to grieve for his wife, and if it wasn’t for Cleo throwing herself under that taxi, Alexandra might be dead too.’

‘If it wasn’t for Ben’s relationship with Cleo, Lexi would have been safe in her bed. His judgement leaves much to be desired.’

‘Ben’s right,’ Isaac says. ‘You refuse to face reality.’

‘Ben knows nothing about me.’

Isaac’s patience has run out. He raises his voice, he’s bellowing at me.

‘Ben has been trying to hold himself together since Vivien died. He’s doing his best to look after his kid and keep his business afloat and pay his mortgage and if you pull another stunt like this one, he could lose his sanity along with everything else.’

I can just about make out the shapes of tall trees against the sky, and behind them, flashes of light from the road. The sound of traffic is a comfort, for once. There are people nearby, just the other side of the trees. We’ve reached Vivien’s car and I think Isaac might try to force me to get in. But he doesn’t touch me.

‘Ben’s stability, financial and otherwise, is important to you, isn’t it?’ I say. ‘Your own future depends on his success, on him keeping it together.’

‘What on earth are you talking about?’

I stand with my back against the passenger door. ‘Were you attracted to my daughter?’ I say.

The car park is so dark, I can’t see his eyes.

‘Where the hell is this coming from?’ He leans over me, his large hand pressed against the window.

Vivien used to look so tiny, so slight, next to this same car.

‘Cleo implied that Vivien had some sort of leverage over you.’

‘Have you lost your mind?’ He bangs his hand against the roof, and I jump. Then he steps back. I can see he’s trying to compose himself.

‘Let me get this straight,’ he says. ‘When you’re looking for an excuse for almost getting your granddaughter killed, Cleo is dangerous and disturbed. But when it comes to what Cleo has to say about me, she’s a reliable witness?’

‘I don’t know.’ I stand completely still. ‘Cleo hasn’t actually lied about anything. She admitted to following Vivien without her knowledge, and to photographing her. She confessed to everything, to wanting Ben and Lexi, too.’

When Isaac speaks his voice is brittle. ‘Okay,’ he says. ‘Yes. I found Vivien attractive. She was an attractive woman. I was fond of her. But I was her driver, that’s all.’

‘Did anything happen between you?’

‘I’m starting to understand why Ben gets so frustrated with you,’ he says. ‘Why he doesn’t trust you. I’m sorry you won’t take any responsibility for your part in this. You still want to blame everyone else. First Cleo, now me. But Ben relies on me, and I won’t let you hurt them.’

He keeps one hand in his pocket, with the other, he massages the back of his neck.

‘I don’t care where you go now,’ he says. ‘I’ll drop you off wherever you like. Just stay away from Ben and Alexandra. Do you understand?’

‘I can’t do that. I can’t stay away.’

‘I’m serious,’ he says. ‘If you promise me you’ll cooperate, if you leave them in peace, I’ll try to convince Ben not to go ahead with a statement to the police.’

I hear the thudding of my heart.

‘I’m not afraid of the police,’ I say. ‘They are never going to jail a grieving grandmother. I am afraid of only one thing: being separated from Lexi and not being able to watch over her.’

I pull my coat, Vivien’s gift, tighter around me. It’s cold out here.

‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘You’re right. I have no one to blame but myself. I do have to take responsibility. I’m guilty of so many things.’

I imagine Isaac’s brown eyes might fill with a mixture of pity and impatience. He rubs the back of his neck again, as he wonders what to do with me. He must think me almost fully unravelled, but he is wrong.

‘I’m not leaving this hospital without talking to Ben,’ I say.

‘I wish I could make you see sense.’

The cold is getting to me, and I shiver. A shadow flits across the edge of the car park. Stops. As does my heart. The eyes of a fox glint at me in the dark. He waits, poised and tense.

I understand now. Vivien was never happy, inside her beautiful house on Blackthorn Road. Her wedding portrait shimmers in front of me in the darkness. Her eyes, behind the delicate veil, bear an expression of trepidation and excitement, as though she does not truly believe the life she stole from Cleo was real. As though she is waiting for something bad to happen. And in the end, she made sure it was so.

‘Isaac,’ I say, ‘I need you to get Ben to talk to me. He trusts you. He’ll see me if you ask him to.’

‘I’m sorry Rose. I can’t.’

I’m surprised to find that my head feels light and free of pain. The cold numbs my nerves and the violent thudding I have become accustomed to has relented. My voice, when I speak, is the one I use at the Weissman, the one I use to ensure that I am listened to, that junior nurses do not screw up in situations of life and death.

‘Lexi is still at risk. There’s something important I need to tell Ben. It could be a matter of life and death.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I need to talk to Ben. Please, Isaac, if I mean anything to you, please trust me. Please listen to me.’

There is a silence and I know Isaac is trying to decide if I am unhinged. I reach out and take hold of his hand. I press my lips to his palm. I hope against hope that his feelings for me will win out over reason.

I know I have won when I hear him sigh.

‘Promise me you won’t do anything else crazy tonight?’ he says.