Forgive Me (5 page)

              He laughs. "I guess you haven't been filled in."

              "With?"

              "Zander is engaged to Faith's best friend. They'll be there tomorrow. And I don't think you should hide. He needs to know the truth."

              He stands up as I process his words. Once again I want to cry tonight. I never cry, never! I'm emotionless and strong, tears are not a friend of mine and haven't been in years. I knew I shouldn't have come back. And this will just ruin his wedding, or at least put a huge damper on their engagement. I don't know what to do. I need Nan's advice.

              I stand too, and yell to Justin that I'm leaving now or never. I want to get out of here sooner rather than later. I need to think things through.

              "Don't stress yourself sis. I'm sure he'll understand why you didn't tell him. You both were young. But it's not fair to anyone you keeping this any longer than you have. Set him aside tomorrow and tell him, it's for the best."

              "Yeah, thanks." My voice is emotionless as I give my best attempt to close off my brain and heart.

              He slings his arm over my shoulder. "It really doesn't have to be tomorrow you tell him, but don't hide from him. Maybe he'll figure things out himself. He is a smart man. Damn, wish I would've known all these years he was my nephew's daddy though. You know, we used to work together at the Jones' Plantation."

              "No, I had no idea." I look up at my brother. "What does he do now? I know nothing about him anymore."

              "He still works there. When 'Ol Man Jones passes away, I'm pretty positive it'll be Zander that'll take it over."

              "Wow, that is cool." Explains the dirt, sweat, and cowboy hat earlier.

              "See ya tomorrow." Gunner kisses the top of my head and as Justin makes his way over, he pats his shoulder. "See you tomorrow squirt."

              Rease runs over with Justin. Two of them are sweaty and a bit breathless from the running around. "Can Justin stay at my apartment tonight? I'd really love to hang out with him more. I'll bring him with me to the barbeque tomorrow."

              "Please mom?" Justin asks as I ponder the question a little.

              I have to. They don't know each other well and I need to trust my little sister. She isn't so little anymore. "I guess so. Where do you live? And who do you live with?"

              She sighs. "You really are a mother, jesh! I live over at Buckwood apartments, right by the college. Apartment ten, if you need to know. And it's just my roommate, Sophia, and I. It's secured and all that, and it's not a party place. No worries. I got him."

              "Alright, alright. Just put your number in my cell so I have it. And text yourself with my phone so you got my number." I get my cell out and hand it to her.

              I face Justin. "You behave. Listen to your aunt. Go to bed at a decent time and no junk food after seven. I'll see you tomorrow. Love you." I pull him in and hug him tight, then I give him a kiss on the forehead.

              I have to remember he is practically a pre-teen now, he is getting older and more responsible. I'm not used to him being gone from me, not even overnight. The longest he is gone is while I'm at work and he is at school or sports. If he isn't at one, he is usually stuck home with Nan or at one of his friends, but very rarely overnight. I'm a protective mother but I need to learn to give him a little room. I'm just nervous I'll be a grandmother before I'm thirty. I don't think I could handle that.

              "Love you, too mama," Justin says when I let him go.

              Rease passes back my cell phone. "You sure you're only five years older than me? You're acting forty. Ease up a bit, will ya? We're staying up late, watching scary movies, playing video games, and vegging out on college based foods, which consist of ramen noodles and chocolate." She smiles at me with a wink.

              I shove her arm. "Karma is a bitch."

              "Mom!" Justin scolds. Oops. I try not to swear often.

              "Sorry sweetie." I nudge them both, getting them on their way. I don't want her driving in the dark if she doesn't have to, especially if she has a half hour drive ahead of her.

              I hear them leave the driveway as I make my way back into the house. Faith looks at me with a wicked gleam in her eye. "No Justin tonight?"

              "Uh, no?" Oh boy, what has she got planned?

              "Nice. Magnolia, you, and I are having a ladies night then!"

              "Um, okay. What are we doing?" I'm a little nervous, I'll admit it.

              She snickers. "You'll see!"

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,

While loving someone deeply gives you courage.

-Lao Tzu

             
We end up at a honkey tonk just outside of town a little after ten. It's an outdoors one with a live band. Gunner and Clay ended up joining us, but said they'd leave us alone so we could have a real ladies night. I guess it's the first one of the season and "everyone that is anyone" is here tonight. Which makes me nervous.

              I push back my nerves and attempt to enjoy myself.

              It's a little breezy out, so I'm thankful for what Faith dressed me in. Tight blue jeans, a pair of faded pink cowgirl boots, a white tee, and a cropped denim jacket. I haven't dressed like this since, well, since I lived in Texas ten years ago. It took me a moment to get used to how I was dressed, but when I saw they both were dressed similarly, I became more comfortable. Looking around, seeing that I match most of the girls here, I'm even more thankful.

              Magnolia grabs us all a few beers while Faith and I grab a table. There aren't many vacant, which puts us away from the music. "I'm getting you out there to dance in a bit. I have a feeling you don't get out much."

              I look at Faith and laugh. "I don't get out, ever. Never celebrated turning twenty one, never been to a bar. Hell, I haven't even dated. It's work or home or doing something for Justin."

              She shakes her head at me. "I give you credit, you've done a helluva job with that boy and you're one helluva mother. But damn girl, you need to focus on yourself a bit. You'll be grey haired and lonely when that boy is in college."

              Magnolia places our drinks on the table and takes a seat. I take a sip before replying, trying not to grimace at the taste. "He won't be in college if I don't work hard to get him there."

              "Yeah, yeah. Well, for the next month you're acting your age and living a little. I'll make damn sure of it." She grins before sipping some of her own drink.

              Magnolia laughs softly. "Be warned, this girl looks innocent but don't let her fool ya. She'll make good on her promise and corrupt you."

              "Oh God." I roll my eyes, taking another sip.

              Faith nudges me. "Stop babying that thing, drink up. I want to get you out there." She points her bottle to the lit up dance area.

              "Oh, yes!" Magnolia takes a long drag of her drink. They're both expert beer drinkers and I can hardly take a small sip without wanting to throw up. The one I had last night was a little better than this bitter stuff.

              "Looky here, my two favorite girls and their baby sis-in-law, how perfect." I look over as Emerson takes the open seat across from me.

              "Hi Em," Faith says. Magnolia greets her and turns to watch the band. I say hello and try to empty the rest of my bottle. Bitter or not, I need to feel buzzed, because if she is here, that means someone else probably is too. Actually, since I only have a glass of wine every few months, a beer or two will probably get me drunk, not buzzed.

              "Just saw the boys, left my future hubby there when they pointed out to where you ladies were." She looks at me as she says it. I'm reminded of the store earlier tonight. I wonder if they had the talk where he mentions I was his lover as a teenager. Maybe I'm being cocky and he never mentioned it all, maybe he doesn't even care about it like I did. He obviously learned how to love again. I have to remember that not everyone self-loathes in pity as I do.

              My drink is empty before I know it. Faith looks over and smiles. "Good gracious lady. I didn't think you'd ever finish your drink, let alone before me. Let me catch up and we'll go grab another one."

              Conversation is gone as we all watch the band. I'm anxiously waiting for Faith and Magnolia to finish their beers. When they finally do, I offer to go grab us all some.

              "Thanks sweetie, sure you can manage?"

              "Yes, I'm sure I can." I all but roll my eyes at Faith. "You want one too?" I ask Emerson.

              "Oh, no but thank you. We're trying for a little one," she says with a belly rub, "I'd rather be safe than sorry with putting any of that there stuff in my stomach."

              I feel like I'm going to be sick. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if my face was green.

              Faith looks over to her with bunched brows. "I thought you guys were waiting 'til after the wedding?"

              "Well, we are." She smiles but it's the fakest one I've ever seen. "Like I said, better safe than sorry." She winks at Faith then looks at me again.

              Is she trying to make me jealous? Well guess what, it's working.

              I grab the empties and walk towards the makeshift bar. The guy behind the table smiles at me. "What can I get ya little lady?"

              "I'll have three of," I pick up the bottles and show him, "these. Please and thanks."

              He laughs. "Sure thing." He grabs the bottles and tosses them in a bin before popping the tops of three brand new ones. "Here you go." He places them in front of me. "I haven't seen you around. Names Tanner." He holds out his hand.

              I shake it, surprised by his firm grip. "I'm Lexi." I smile at his shining blue eyes.

              "All hell, I knew you looked familiar. It's been, what, a decade since Ms. Lexi Bennett's been around?"

              My eyes narrow. "Sorry, do I know you?"

              He laughs with a small head shake. "Course you wouldn’t remember little 'ol me. Tanner Parks, Bray's little brother. I used to have a nasty crush on you growing up."

              I take a minute to grasp that fact. I used to tease him and call him T-dawg and he had beady blue eyes, braces, and a stutter. He ain't that little boy no more.

              "Oh shit," I say. "Little T-dawg grew right on up. How the hell are you? And how is your sis? I'd love to see her again. Where is she?" I look around like maybe she'll pop up just because I'm next to her little brother.

              "You ain't calling me T-dawg anymore. That name was so embarrassing," he says with a chuckle. "Bray wasn't sure if she was coming out tonight or not, although I wouldn't be surprised. She is going through divorce number two, so you tell me how you think she is doing."

              "Divorce number two? Oh God! I thought she'd be married to some billionaire by now, living it up on the coast. And you? How are you?"

              He shows off a very dazzling smile. Those braces did him some good. He is only two years younger than me, but I had treated him like he was much younger. I wanted to be so much like Bray, I'd followed in her every foot step, which included taunting her little brother. Looking at him now, I'd have thought he was a few years older. Ageing has done well with him.

              "I'm fine," he shrugs. "About to start my last year of college, working a few odd jobs until I graduate next May."

              "I see you don't got a ring on that finger of yours. No one stolen your heart?"

              "Nah. This one girl stole it but she skipped out on town without so much as a word ten years ago." He winks as my face pales. "Just kidding. I've had my share of girlfriends but no one right now. Certainly not getting married any time soon, too young for that."

              Right, I need to remember we're still
young
. I don't feel it most days.

              "Don't blame you with that." I grab at one of the beers and take a small sip, needing something at the moment as the air feels thicker.

              He continues to smile at me, waiting until I place the drink down. "So tell me, what brings you back to town? Or better yet, what made ya leave? You know, half the rumors were that your parents slaughtered you in their basement and made a piss poor excuse as to why you weren't around."

              I can't help but laugh. "So I've heard, and that's just crazy talk! And hilarious. What are the other rumors?" Not sure I should ask, but I'm interested now.

              He lifts his hand, counting on his fingers. "Let’s see, there was that, or that your grannie getting sick or something and you living with her. Oh, and you ran away from home or were abducted and no one knew where you were. Again, the people who believed this thought your parents were covering it up with a lame excuse. Lastly, there was one that you got knocked up and your mom sent you off." He ends with a laugh.