Forgive Me (56 page)

The story about ‘an incident’ at
The Beeches had hit the local paper within twenty-four hours. It described the
Pattersons as a troubled family, and went on to report that Andrew Patterson was
believed to have attacked both his two younger children. In defending themselves, their
father had received serious injuries and was in hospital in a critical condition. A
footnote was added about Flora’s suicide a year earlier and an arson attack on
Eva’s home in London. As yet there was no mention of Eva’s parentage, or
about Andrew’s fraudulent transactions, so presumably the police had kept a lid on
that. But the reporters were bound to discover it soon, and when they did, they were
going to have a field day. It wouldn’t only be the local papers then, but also the
nationals – and even television. It didn’t bear thinking about what that would be
like for all of them.

‘You must stop Sophie talking to any
of her friends about it,’ Ben said. ‘No one would have known much about
Mum’s suicide, if it hadn’t been for her.’

‘To tell the truth, I’d be happy
to see her phoning someone, or talking to a friend,’ Eva admitted. ‘But she
doesn’t want anyone near her. It’s like all the stuffing has been knocked
out of her. She’s totally mixed up about her dad, one minute hating him, and then
crying because she loves him. I really don’t know what to do or say.’

‘I just hate him now,’ Ben spat
out. ‘To think I used to look up to him! All those lies he’s told, making
out he was so
perfect when he was stealing from his company. The stuff
he did to Mum, and to you. Just dying on the operating table is far too good for him. I
want to see him suffer.’

‘I don’t like to hear you saying
things like that,’ Eva reproved him. ‘You’ve always been such a
peacemaker and so understanding. Don’t let this change you, Ben.’

‘Of course it will change me, none of
us is the same any more,’ he said.

‘But we must all try to calm down. I
know it’s terrible, but ranting doesn’t make it any better.’

‘I bet you’re glad you
aren’t his daughter now,’ Ben said, and it sounded as if he was crying.
‘At least you can distance yourself from it.’

‘No, I can’t, Ben,’ she
said. ‘Because I love you and Sophie. And I will never distance myself from either
of you.’

She asked him a few questions about how he
was coping, and how he’d explained away his black eye to his fellow students. Then
she told him he must get a solicitor’s advice about both Power of Attorney and in
case any charges were brought against him.

‘You are being marvellous. I
don’t know what Sophie and I would’ve done without you,’ he suddenly
blurted out. ‘I’m so very sorry that I was nasty to you about the fire. I
should’ve trusted you.’

‘Forget it, Ben,’ she said.
‘I have. The main thing now is to stick together and get through this.’

Olive came round on Wednesday afternoon.
She looked anxious when Eva opened the door to her. ‘Tell me to go away if you
can’t face visitors,’ she said.

‘I’m really pleased to see
you,’ Eva said, and meant it. Olive’s straightforward manner and often blunt
advice was just what she needed. ‘Come on in.’

‘I see a couple of vultures are still
hanging on outside.’ Olive looked back at the two journalists hovering down by the
gate. ‘I hoped they’d stop me to ask me something. If they had, they’d
have got a piece of my mind. But I suppose they took one look at my face and guessed
what I was about.’

‘They’ve been such a
pain,’ Eva sighed. ‘They try to waylay us if we go out, and they keeping
phoning. I’d disconnect the phone, but someone important might want us.’

Olive handed Eva a carrier bag with some
clothes in it. ‘I don’t suppose you care much what you look like now,’
she said. ‘But there’s a dress, some trousers and a couple of tops. When
things are bad for me, I always feel a bit better if I’m wearing something nice. I
hoped it might work for you too.’

‘That was very thoughtful,’ Eva
said, peeping in the bag. ‘You’ve got such good taste. I’m sure
I’ll love them when I try them on later. Thank you so much. Coffee?’

Over coffee Eva explained the recent events.
Olive only knew what had been in the local paper, and that had been somewhat vague.
‘I should have phoned you. But to be honest, I’ve found it a struggle just
to keep things together here.’

‘I can imagine,’ Olive said in
sympathy. ‘You’ve been through hell, Eva, and it sounds as if it will get
worse before it gets better. But if there’s anything I can do, anything at all,
even if you just need someone to let off steam to, I’ll be there. You can just
leave a message on the answerphone for me, and I’ll pop round. Everyone at work is
thinking of you and your family. They all want to express their sympathy and affection
too, but I did tell them you need privacy just now.’

‘I really appreciate their kindness.
Do tell them that I miss them all, and think of them a lot. Perhaps one day when this is
all over I can pop in and say hello to them …’ She paused then, overcome by
emotion.

Olive put her arm around her and gave her a
rather awkward
hug. ‘I’m no good at this kind of
thing,’ she said. ‘I think when I was designed they left out the
“ability to demonstrate affection” bit. But I think you know that I care
about you, Eva. So forgive me for my shortcomings.’

Eva gave her a watery smile.
‘You’ve proved to me many times that you’ve got a big heart,’
she said. ‘If you started to get soppy with me now, I’d find it
scary.’

Olive planted a kiss on her forehead and
said she had to get back to work. ‘Keep in touch, even if it’s only a couple
of words on a postcard or the briefest phone call. And ask that man of yours to feed you
up. You are getting very skinny.’

On Thursday afternoon Patrick arrived with
all his customary warmth and strength – and a couple of bags of food from Marks and
Spencer. ‘I’m betting you haven’t felt much like shopping or even
eating much, so I got a few treats.’

He had rung Eva the previous night to
suggest he came, and it was just what Eva needed. She was finding it hard to cope with
Sophie’s mood swings. One minute it seemed like she was on the mend – calm,
rational and even talking about the future – the next she was crying, full of
self-recrimination and convinced that her whole life was ruined for ever. In the blink
of an eye she veered from hating her father to feeling sorry for him. Whatever Eva said
was wrong, and there were moments when Eva wanted to run away and hide from it all. She
was all talked out, her sympathy was drying up, and although she might have promised
Sophie she would support her till she was strong enough to stand alone, she could feel
herself buckling under the strain.

Ben had telephoned in the morning to say
that Andrew’s surgeon had contacted him. He reported that the operation had gone
well and he was cautiously optimistic for his father’s recovery. He was being kept
in a coma for now, to aid the
healing process, and when they did bring
him out of it they would assess if he had any permanent brain damage.

It was typical of Ben to say little about
his own plight. He was happy to tell her he had been busy finding a solicitor to help
him sort out the Power of Attorney. And he had also arranged an introductory meeting
with another solicitor in the same practice who handled criminal cases. But he dismissed
Eva’s anxious questions about how he felt. All he would say was that immersing
himself in his studies worked for him, and that he wasn’t allowing himself to look
further ahead than a week at a time.

Eva felt that meant he was avoiding thinking
about himself. And because of that, she didn’t burden him with her anxiety about
Sophie. She could share that with Patrick – she knew his advice would be sound, and
Sophie would probably feel more secure with an older man around.

As Eva had expected, Patrick was brilliant
with Sophie, hugging her and telling her she was beautiful. He struck just the right
note, saying he hoped she would look upon him as an uncle, and that he’d come to
offer support – not to judge or criticize.

It was good to have him there that evening.
They had a meal together, and Sophie came out of herself a bit, telling Patrick how
she’d wanted to be an actress but had been turned down at an audition for drama
school.

‘Even if you aren’t made of the
right stuff to be an actress, there are other jobs going in the film, TV and theatre
world,’ he said encouragingly. ‘Backstage work, costumes, make-up, all
sorts. I could make some inquiries for you – I know lots of people in that
world.’

Later, they watched television together.
Sophie lay with her head on Eva’s lap and seemed much calmer. When Eva went up to
tuck her into bed at the end of the evening she
said how nice Patrick
was, and that she was sorry she was being such a drip. Eva’s response was to laugh
and say she thought Sophie was entitled to be a drip for a while.

Eva stayed up with Patrick for some time,
talking over all that had happened. She felt she had to tell him how shaky she was
feeling.

‘I’d been sinking into a black
hole since Christmas,’ she admitted. ‘The stuff about the fire was dragging
me down, and then Freya. And I was being horrible to Phil. That Sunday I saw you at
Pottery Lane I resolved to pull myself together, and that same evening I went out with
Phil for a meal and we had a good time. So I felt things were taking a turn for the
better. But that very night all this happened. I didn’t have time to consider how
I felt at the time, I just had to come and take over, but now –’ She broke off in
a flood of tears.

He hugged her to his chest and let her cry.
‘I’m not surprised,’ he said. ‘You’ve had one hell of a
year – even the strongest will in the world would crack with it. But why don’t you
try to tell me about what’s worrying you most now?’

‘I can’t see an end to it,
that’s the biggest thing. This house, Sophie, Ben – I can’t just walk away
from it all when I’ve had enough. Sophie needs looking after, and I want to do the
right thing by her. But how long can I reasonably go on doing that for?’ She
leaned back, moving away from him. ‘And I keep worrying about stupid stuff – like
what we’ll do with all the furniture when the house is sold, and how to pay the
bills when they come in. It’s really scary.’

‘OK. First, there’s no point in
worrying now about what will happen when the house is sold. That might be a year on – or
it might never be sold. As for the bills, that’s a far more sensible thing to
worry about. And the solution is to sell something from the house to pay them and to buy
food for
you and Sophie. Is there any of your mother’s jewellery
around? Any antiques? That china cabinet there, for example.’ He pointed to a
walnut bow-fronted cabinet in the alcove by the fire. ‘If I’m not much
mistaken, that’s Queen Anne and must be worth at least six or seven hundred
pounds. That would solve any immediate money worries. But you should talk to Ben about
it at the weekend and get his approval. Likewise, you should have a chat with him about
Sophie too. Maybe she has a friend in Cheltenham she could move in with in a few
weeks’ time, or perhaps she could go to Leeds and share a flat with Ben? But I
suspect that there’s something else the matter. Whatever it was that got you down
in London isn’t resolved. Can you tell me about that?’

‘I just kept wanting to be
alone,’ she said in little more than a whisper, because she felt ashamed to voice
it. ‘I didn’t want people around me. I was even pushing Phil away, and I
love him. I used to daydream of being in a little house miles from anywhere, with
absolutely no one asking anything of me. Isn’t that crazy?’

‘Not at all. I’ve felt like that
many times in my life,’ he admitted.

‘You have?’ She was
astonished.

Patrick smiled and stroked her cheek
affectionately. ‘Oh yes. The time I remember best of all was after Flora left me,
and I was living in Pottery Lane. People kept coming round, trying to jolly me along.
But all I wanted to do was to be utterly alone, in silence. It got so bad I didn’t
answer the door or the phone. I used to go for a walk at night, so I wouldn’t run
into anyone. People who were concerned about me tried to get me to go to yoga, on blind
dates, adopt weird diets, or take tranquillizers. They didn’t understand that I
was OK alone, that people were the problem. Mostly I found they
only
really came round, under the guise of sympathy, so they could tell me their own
troubles. I felt like I was a crutch to half the world.’

‘How did you get over it?’ Eva
asked.

‘I went to Canada.’

Eva was surprised that was his solution.
‘That’s why you went there? I thought you had a job lined up?’

‘I had had a tentative offer of work
there, but nothing definite. I was just running away from everyone and everything. I
didn’t go to the people I knew there – not for a while. I travelled around,
looking at the breathtaking scenery. And the beauty of the mountains, forests and lakes
cured me.’

‘That sounds wonderful. But I
can’t run away, though,’ she said, pulling a glum face. ‘Sophie and
Ben need me to be strong for them, to stay here keeping things together.’

‘No, you can’t, not now. But
later, when this is all over – and it will be over, you must believe that. Then you can
go somewhere peaceful. But I’ll pass on a tip to you that always works for me.
When you are feeling stressed and worn out, lie back in a chair or in bed and picture a
turquoise sea, palm trees and a white sandy beach with no one on it but you. Listen for
the sound of gulls and the waves lapping, feel the hot sun burning into your skin. Just
keep that image in your head, and let your mind float off there.’

‘I’ll try it tonight,’ she
said. ‘Thank you, Patrick. I feel a bit better just for talking about how I
feel.’

The following morning it felt like summer
was almost here, with warm sunshine and a clear blue sky. Over breakfast Patrick
suggested they go out to the Cotswolds for a walk and to have some lunch in a pub.
Sophie seemed very listless and distant, but she didn’t put up any resistance to
the plan.