Forgiven (23 page)

The look on her face told him that she hadn’t
considered that Diane could renege on the deal. “Look, Sanni, I
know where you’re coming from. I’ve been there.” He stood up, put
his arms around his wife and continued, “When Sarah died, I stopped
trusting God and thought I needed to handle everything myself. But
you see where that attitude got us.” JT laughed in spite of the
situation and then asked her, “Don’t you remember all those
self-empowerment messages I used to preach?”

“Nothing gets done unless somebody is doing
it,” she mimicked the way he used to say that line.

“Yeah, it sounds pretty pathetic to us now.
But I had lost my faith in God, so I thought I had to do everything
myself if anything was going to get done. I don’t believe that
anymore, Sanni. I believe God cares about what happens to us and
that He is always on the job.”

She pounded on his chest and then laid her
head on his chest. “I know you’re right, but for me, this feels
just like losing Sarah all over again. I don’t want to lose another
child.”

“We won’t, baby. Trust God. I truly believe
He is going to show us a way out of all this drama.”

“It’s not that easy for me, JT. I need to be
sure that things are going to work out for us this time.

“This isn’t easy for me either, Sanni. But
I’ve come too far to turn back now. Like it or not, I’m God’s man,
and I intend to act like it.”

Cassandra couldn’t breathe. She needed to get
away. JT wasn’t letting her anywhere near their children right now,
so she knew she couldn’t go far. But she had to get out of the
house so she could think. She heard what JT had to say and she
could clearly see that her actions showed that she did not trust
God to handle this situation.

She was driving down the street, destination
unknown, when she noticed a church building on the right hand side
of the street. It wasn’t so much the building that she noticed, but
the sign in the entrance of the church. It read: Is it time for
your meeting with God? Come on in. Those words sparked Cassandra’s
interest because she had tried everything else. She’d been to a
therapist, she’d cried, cajoled and she’d even tried to take money
that belonged to someone else, but none of it had solved her
problems. So right now, she needed a personal meeting with God like
she needed to breathe. She passed the church, but did a u-turn in
order to come back around. She parked in the lot and stared at the
entrance of the church for a moment. She’d never even noticed this
church before, but she was so curious. What type of meeting with
God could these people be hosting?

She got out of the car and walked into the
building. A scripture that was posted above the sanctuary door
read: For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty
through God to the pulling down of strongholds.

Great, even God knows that I’ve been trying
to fight my own battles. As far as Cassandra was concerned, that
scripture had been posted to the wall the minute she made a u-turn
in the street. The entire scripture spoke to her. Yes, she had a
stronghold. Cassandra had already called its name: Fear. She had
been afraid that JT hadn’t truly changed and that he would cheat on
her again. That was why she had the panic attacks when he touched
her. But when she conquered that fear, it just transferred to her
children. Now she was so bound up by the thought of losing them
that she could barely function.

She opened the sanctuary door hoping and
praying that she would be loosed from her stronghold today. As she
walked down the aisle, she noticed that the left side of the
sanctuary had been roped off. This big divider was placed behind
the ropes so no one could see what was on the other side. The
sanctuary was empty. She didn’t know what to do or who to ask about
her meeting with God, so she sat down on the front pew and
waited.

A small man in baggy clothes appeared on the
opposite side of the room where the ropes were. Cassandra wondered
where he’d come from because she hadn’t noticed him before she sat
down.

“What are you doing?” he asked her.

Cassandra didn’t know this man, and she
didn’t feel comfortable telling him her business. So she simply
said, “Just sitting here.”

He looked at her strangely and then asked,
“Don’t you think it’s rude to keep God waiting?”

“Yes, of course I do,” Cassandra
answered.

“Then why have you been telling your problems
to everyone else, while God has been waiting on you to meet with
Him?”

She had no answer for this man. She didn’t
know him and couldn’t understand how he would know that she had
been taking her problems everywhere but to God. So she simply said,
“Can you please take me to Him?”

“Take off your shoes and follow me,” the man
said as he released the rope so she could join him on the other
side of the sanctuary. She took her pumps off and left them on the
floor where she had been sitting. She then walked up the stairs and
behind the makeshift wall with the strange man who had also taken
his shoes off. Cassandra knew from studying the Old Testament as a
child that Mosses was told to take off his shoes because he was on
Holy ground, just before he spoke with God. Was she truly on Holy
ground right now?

The man lead her to a magnificent room, with
purple drapes, sky blue ceiling and a floor that was so cushiony it
felt as if she were walking on clouds. Beautiful music was playing
throughout the room, but it was unlike any music she’d ever heard
or could adequately describe. A golden throne was placed in the far
corner of the room. She was instructed to kneel down before the
throne.

As she knelt down Cassandra felt as if this
overwhelming and consuming presence had stepped into the room. Then
she heard a sound and saw multi colored lights flicker around the
room. She looked toward the man standing next to her.

He pointed to the throne and said, “Talk to
Him.”

Her gaze followed his pointer finger to the
throne. A man sat there. He was dressed in a white robe, but she
could see through the man that was seated on the throne. She turned
back to her escort and asked, “Is this some type of trick
lighting?”

“Do you want an audience with God or not?
Either speak now or continue to carry your burdens on your
own.”

She thought about getting up and walking out
of the room. This man was rude and she was tired of taking his
attitude. But then she realized that he was right. If she left,
she’d be leaving with the same burdens she came in with, and she
was really tired of carrying them around. So she turned back to the
throne and said, “I’m really not sure how to begin. I’ve always
been taught that you have to begin with praise and then go into
your request. But do I praise You when we’re in the same room?”

No response.

She got the same non-responsiveness from God
when she prayed at home, so why was she here if it wasn’t going to
be any different? But she trudged on anyway. “I’m just going to
talk to You. I believe that You care about the things that bother
me, but I can’t understand why You even allow them in the first
place. Like the whole lawsuit from Diane Benson. Why would you
allow something like that when JT and I had finally learned to
trust one another again?”

She stopped talking for a minute as the word
trust hung in the air between her and God. She remembered praying
to the Lord and hearing the word trust. At that time she thought
the Lord was trying to get her to trust JT, but had she
misunderstood? Yes, she realized, she had totally misunderstood
what God tried to tell her that day. She bowed her head as tears
sprung to her eyes. “Oh God, forgive me,” she cried out as she
finally admitted to herself that it had never been as simple as her
having a lack of trust in JT. Her panic attacks had not been caused
because she feared what JT would do or that she feared losing her
children. She’d tried to take that hundred thousand dollars out of
their bank account to bribe Diane for one simple reason; she didn’t
trust God with her life.

In the face of her mistrust of God, she
wanted to defend herself by telling God all that had happened to
her in recent years. Who wouldn’t have a little mistrust? But deep
down she knew that nothing man had done to her should have ever
stripped her faith away from God. She had allowed this to occur.
And she couldn’t blame it on anyone else. JT had asked her to trust
God countless times during this ordeal, but she hadn’t really heard
him. “I want to trust You again, Lord. But if I put my trust in You
and things don’t turn out right, then what?”

Trust Me anyway.

She heard God’s answer loud and clear this
time, and she wanted… no, needed to comply. Life had been too hard
when she tried to handle things on her own. “Okay, Lord, help me to
trust You and I’ll do just that for the rest of my life.”

She wiped the tears from her face, stood up
and then turned to thank the man who had brought her into this
room. But he was no longer beside her. She turned back to the
throne and God had disappeared also. What was going on in here? She
hurried out of the church only stopping to put her pumps back on.
As she walked out of the building a man in white overalls was
taking down the sign that asked, “Is it time for your meeting with
God?”

Cassandra ran over to the man and asked him,
“Why are you taking that sign down? You all need to keep this
going. There are so many other people out there that need to meet
with God.”

The man looked confused until he read the
sign that was in his hand. He turned to Cassandra and said, “I’m
sorry, ma’am. The company sent us the wrong sign. It was suppose to
be about our annual church meeting. I have to send this one
back.”

***

JT knocked on the basement door. Lamont
opened the door and looked around. “Has she calmed down yet?”

“I don’t know if she’s calm. But she’s gone
for a drive.”

“She didn’t leave you, did she?”

JT shook his head. Lamont was just too
inquisitive. “Boy, mind your own business and get out of my way so
I can get my kids.”

They walked down the stairs and JT saw that
Aaron and Lily were both asleep on the couch. “How long have they
been asleep?”

“Pretty much since I brought them down here.
I think they were a bit worn out from all the pulling and tugging
you and Cassandra were doing with them.”

“I’m just glad Jerome hasn’t been with her.
He’s still sleep in his room despite all the commotion.” JT sat
down in the chair across from the couch and put his head in his
hands. He ran his hand through his hair. “I just don’t know what
got into her.”

“I know,” Lamont said as he sat down on the
arm of the couch. “She didn’t want you to give me that money.”

When JT didn’t respond, Lamont asked, “Why’d
you give it to me if you knew she was going to go off the deep end
like that?”

“It’s your money, Lamont. What else was I
suppose to do with it?”

“My dad told me that you kept his money away
from him for years and by the time he caught up with you – all the
money had been spent. I know you sold your house and car so that
you could repay the money. But why didn’t you just keep it? You
didn’t have to come looking for me.”

“I had lost my way with God when I took your
father’s money. And even though it was money we shouldn’t have had
in the first place, I had no right to take what didn’t belong to
me.”

“But you could have kept it and nobody would
have done anything about it.”

“God knew that I owed you. That’s who I’m
trying to please. I just hate that pleasing God sometimes means
that Cassandra will be unhappy. But that’s life,” JT said as he
stood up and nodded in the direction of his children. “Can you help
me take them to their beds?”

JT picked Aaron up while Lamont picked Lily
up. They walked up the stairs and put them in their beds. Then JT
went to the kitchen and started taking pots and pans out of the
cabinet.

“What are you doing?” Lamont asked.

“I’m not sure how long Cassandra will be
gone, so I’m going to put something on for dinner so she doesn’t
have to worry about doing it when she gets home.”

Lamont laughed. “You whipped.”

“No, I’m married,” JT said as he took a pack
of hamburger out of the fridge. “And I want to stay that way.”

Lamont sat down at the kitchen table. He had
a somber expression on his face as he said, “Look, JT, if you want
the money back just say so. I can’t miss what I never had.”

JT opened the cabinet and took down a box of
spaghetti and then started putting water in a pot. As he sat the
pot of water on the stove and turned it on he turned back to
Lamont. “Do you suppose that God would tell me to give that money
to you, just so I could ask for it back?”

Lamont put his elbow on the table, his hand
under his chin and leaned on the table as he pondered the question
for a moment. He then said, “I don’t suppose so.”

“Then I don’t want your money back.”

Lamont played like he was wiping the sweat
from his brow. “Good. Because that Escalade was calling my
name.”

JT threw the oven mitt at Lamont. “That
Escalade is too expensive for you, boy. You need to be able to pay
your bills while you’re in school, or are you even thinking that
far ahead?”

“Put your spaghetti in the pot - I got this.
I know what I’m doing. Me and my lady are going to look good riding
down the street in something like that.”

JT opened the box of spaghetti, broke the
noodles in half and threw them in the boiling water. He opened the
pack of hamburger, put it in the skillet and started pulling it
apart with a fork. “Okay, you think you know what you’re doing. But
do one thing for me, pray and ask God which car He thinks you
should have at this point in your life.”