Forgiven (6 page)

Emily interrupted my thoughts by grabbing me by the shoulders and leading me to the bathroom. “Seriously—and don’t you dare lie to me—are you sleeping with him?”

“Holy Shit, Em! What’s wrong with you? You know I’ve…I’ve never…you know I’m still a virgin,” I whisper-yelled at her.

She relaxed a little. “Good, because if you had and didn’t tell me, I’d be so pissed at you.”

“Really? You seriously think that after all this time I’m just going to spread my legs for the next hot guy who talks to me?” I asked astounded. “I’m not that drunk.”

“You can’t blame me for jumping to conclusions—there is some serious sexual tension between the two of you. Why don’t you go after him?”

“I can’t! I’m so confused. One minute we’re arguing about him being an assmunch, the next thing I know he grabs me and starts kissing me.”

“Wait, what? You were yelling at him before he kissed you?” Her eyes practically popped out of her head.

“See what I mean? I couldn’t help but kiss him back—every time I touch him I feel like my insides melt,” I said dreamily, and I wondered if it was just the alcohol talking.

“Oh girl, you’ve got it bad,” she laughed.

“I’m glad you think this is funny. I’m probably just drunk.” She gave me a looked that said she knew otherwise. “I’m fucked, aren’t I?’ She nodded as she laughed.

I knew I wanted Caleb, despite the fact that I knew nothing about him. All I understood was the attraction between us. More than physical connection, I wanted him to want me, to need me, to love me.

Oh shit
, where did that come from? I couldn’t get involved with someone as closed off as Caleb.

“What are you going to do?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I replied simply.

“
Nothing?
” she shrieked. “What do you mean
nothing
? You can’t deny sexual chemistry like that—I
saw
the way he kissed you.”

Shaking my head, I looked down, avoiding her eyes. “It doesn’t matter, I’m not going to put myself in a position to get hurt.” I sighed. “I’ve been treated like shit by my dad for years. I want someone who’ll be open and honest with me, not someone who can’t decide what he wants. That usually means I pay for it in the way he treats me.”

She grabbed me by the shoulders. “Angie, I saw the look on his face when he saw you dancing with Josh. He’d definitely been bitten by the green-eyed monster.”

“Even if you’re right, I’m not going to make a move.” I shrugged my shoulders. “It’ll have to come from him. Now can we please let it go and go back out to the party? Let’s enjoy the night.”

“Alright, let’s go get drunk!” She threw her arm in the air like a battle cry. Okay, maybe she had more to drink than I had.

Emily and I went back out to the party, deciding to play beer pong. I ended up dancing with Nick later on in the night—mainly because I couldn’t avoid it any longer—but it wasn’t the same. I knew he’d wanted to kiss me, but I just wasn’t into it. I couldn’t get Caleb and that kiss out of my head.

It’d been two days since Caleb had kissed me. I thought I would hear from him but he hadn’t even emailed me about our project. On the other hand, I wasn’t sure I was ready to see him either. I was pretty drunk Saturday night, and it was quite clear he was as well. What if he didn’t remember? I would feel like a total ass. And if he regretted it? What a way to make things even more uncomfortable.

I would have skipped class but Emily was all over me about what I should wear, and there was no way she was going to let me stay home. She was determined to get Caleb to notice me again. I’m not sure what her motives were, but I put her off all day Sunday and Monday. Unfortunately by Tuesday morning I was too exhausted to fight her anymore. She was relentless.

“You should wear this,” she said as she pulled a super-tiny miniskirt out of her closet. It was shorter than the one I’d worn to the party.

“I
will not
wear that to class—unless I want every guy on campus to think that I’m easy,” I said, looking appalled.

I gave her a puzzled look. “Why are you pushing this?”

She looked up then and unfortunately for her, I knew all of her facial expressions so I saw the guilt written all over her face immediately. “What? Um…no reason.” She went back to digging through the closet.

“Don’t you dare play bullshit games with me.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “I know when you are up to something. And right now you are
definitely
up to something. So I’ll ask again…what is this all about?” I demanded.

She stood up, then came over and sat on the bed next to me. “Look, you deserve to be happy.”

I could tell she still wasn’t giving me the full story. “There is more to it than that, so spill.”

She took a deep breath in, “Okay, so I talked to Andrew and Josh this weekend, and we all agreed that we have never seen either of you act the way you did on Saturday. And we also know that both of you are too stubborn to take advantage of something right in front of you. So we thought that we’d help you out.”

My temper flared. “So what now I’m some fucking charity case who can’t help myself?”

“That is not what I meant.” She took my hand and laced her fingers through mine. “You…you’re just always looking for Mr. Knight in Shining Armor to come and sweep you off your feet. You don’t want to put yourself out there if you have to work for it. I understand that your father is a son of a bitch, but just because a guy isn’t perfect, doesn’t mean that they’ll treat you like he does.”

Part of me knew that what she was saying was true. I spent all of my time trying to find a guy that wasn’t like my dad, it had reached a point where I would look for their imperfections so that I could justify not seeing them again, and avoid the eventual heartbreak that would come from being treated like shit. But I was pissed that she felt the need to fix me. Content as I was, I didn’t need a guy to make me happy.

I pulled my hand away from hers and stood up. “I can’t fucking believe this! I don’t need a guy to make me happy. But I could use a
best friend
who doesn’t feel the need to change me to fit her version of happy.” With that I grabbed my bag and left for class. Facing Caleb was better than having to listen to that bullshit.

I had never fought with Emily before, yet here we were arguing over a guy—the dumbest part was that we didn’t even want the same one. Ugh, this was so frustrating. Whatever I felt for Caleb was no one else’s business. In reality, whatever this was going on between us really didn’t matter because I was never going let anything develop past the partnership. He was too inconsistent, and I’d had enough of that shit growing up. My father’s moods always depended on what he’d decided to buy at the liquor store. Every time I went home I had to wonder if it was going to be a six-pack or twelve-pack kind of day. I was done living like that. If I fell for a guy, it would be because he treated me like I was special
all
of the time.

Pulling into the parking lot, I left the engine running so I could listen to the radio. “Save You” by Simple Plan was on. I sat there listening and the more I thought about it, the more I realized Emily was right. I was waiting for my knight in shining in armor, someone who could save me from my life. What I did know was that my knight in shining armor was not Caleb Jacobs.

I decided to head into class. I had to talk to Emily. She had good intentions, I realized, whether I agreed with them or not. She was my best friend and knew more about me than anyone—even my friends from home. I’d always been afraid to let people in, afraid that if they found out what my home life was like they would leave, just like my mom did.

I was sitting in my seat when someone sat down next to me. Expecting it to be Emily, I turned to apologize for the way I acted this morning.

“Em, I’m—” I started to say, before I realized Caleb’s green eyes were staring back at me.

“Angie, can we talk after class?” he asked, looking extremely nervous.

I felt like those green eyes were staring right down into my soul and I couldn’t speak. “Um…sure. I, um…I don’t have class until…um…later this afternoon,” I stuttered.

I shook my head to clear it and realized that he had given me the perfect opportunity to talk about what happened Saturday. I needed to make him realize that we should forget that it happened.

He looked hopeful, “Thanks, I’ll see you after class,” he said as he walked back to his seat. Shit! I wondered what he was thinking. While I was lost in my thoughts, Emily walked up and sat down next to me.

“I’m so sorry for pushing you this weekend, and this morning. I just wanted you to be happy. It was the first time I’ve ever seen you react to like that to a guy,” she pleaded with me with her ‘sad eyes’.

“No Em, it’s my fault. You’re right, I am waiting for my knight in shining armor, but I don’t think I’m ready to give up on that idea yet. I want someone to ride in to my rescue.”

“You do realize that you’re strong enough that you don’t need a guy to save you?”

I laughed, but it was without humor. “Yeah, but for once it would be nice for the guy to
want
to save me, instead of needing to be saved
from
the guy.”

With that she learned over and hugged me. “I know. I’ll help you find him,” she said, winking at me. This time I did laugh. At that moment Professor Rutledge walked in.

“So what did Caleb want anyway?” Emily whispered.

I looked over at him before I answered. “He wants me to meet him after class. Now let me concentrate.”

I tried to pay attention during Dr. Rutledge’s lecture, but every time I looked up from taking notes on my laptop, I saw Caleb watching me. The look in his eyes sent heat pouring through my body. I didn’t want to analyze why. I knew what I needed to do.

When class was finally over—it seemed to take forever—I took my time packing up my laptop. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Caleb, waiting for me by the door. When I finished packing, I headed over to him.

“Hey. So was there somewhere you wanted to go?” I asked. When I looked up at him, he had a nervous look in his eyes.

“Yeah…um…why don’t we grab a cup of coffee?” he was looking everywhere but at me.

“Sure,” I said, and we headed down to the food court. We didn’t talk the entire walk and the silence was getting more uncomfortable by the second. I felt tension in the air and it was making me nervous. I kept noticing him looking over at me, like he wanted to say something.

We finally got our coffee and sat down at a table. As we sat and stared at each other, it was like both of us had something we wanted to say, but weren’t sure how to say it.

Caleb broke the silence. “We need to talk about what happened Saturday night.”

I looked at him and resolved to tell him what I needed to. “I know.”

We both started speaking at the same time. “I think—” We stopped and looked at one another.

“You go first,” I encouraged him. It gave me a few more minutes to get the courage to get everything off my chest.

He looked into my eyes and I saw the sadness was back.
Huh?
“I think we need to forget about Saturday night. I’m not the guy for you. We need to finish this project and then go back to what we were doing before.”

Wait…what? Had he just used my line on me? What an asshole. I was the one that was supposed to stop this from going any further—after all he was the one who kissed
me
! There was no way I was going to let him see that his words bothered me.

“I couldn’t agree with you more,” I said, starting to collect my stuff. I didn’t want to sit there any longer and let my emotions get the best of me. “I have class today, but maybe we can work on the project tomorrow.”

“That’s fine with me,” he said with the look of a man who had just been given a reprieve from the guillotine. His look was like a punch to the chest. I had to get out of there.

“Here’s my number, text me later when you pick a time to meet,” I said, my voice devoid of emotion, but at least it didn’t shake.

“I’m glad we agreed on that. See ya tomorrow Angie.” Caleb replied as I walked out the door into the sun. What the fuck? I couldn’t dwell on this, I still had one class to get through. I could go home and deal with my emotions after that.