Forgotten Yesterday (11 page)

“Okay, it looks like you are just over eight weeks. Now…” She held the image and clacked some more. “Let’s measure the baby’s heartbeat.”

Up on the screen she measured the heartbeat on a line.

“Looks good,” the tech announced. She glanced in my direction, her ponytail swinging slightly, and asked, “Would you like to hear the heartbeat?”

“Yeah,” I stated, captivated by the whole process. The little being, magically living inside of me, was mesmerizing.

She flicked a switch and we listened to the heartbeat of our baby. The rapid steady beat tattooed into the air like wish.

It was real. There really was someone in there. It had been difficult for my brain to grasp the concept, but now I felt like we had, had a formal greeting—the baby and I.

I peered up at Brent through my glassy vision, overcome by the dreamlike sound of our baby. He gazed down at me with an expression I had never seen on him before. It wasn’t love, or happiness, or joy, but something else. It was spread all over his face and the sound of our baby put it there.
I loved that look.

“Everything looks good,” the tech said, turning off the sound and stopping the procedure.

Just like that our wonderful moment was over.

This was a memory I knew I would carry with me forever. I would never forget it or that sound. I wanted nothing more than to listen to our baby’s heartbeat all day long, record it and play it on a loop.

The tech handed us two images from the ultrasound, told us to check back in at the front desk and wait for the rest of my appointment. As we walked down the hall, Brent by my side, I couldn’t look at anything other than the pictures in my hand.

Brent wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

“That was…surreal,” he said.

“It’s our baby.” I smiled at him, unable to hold back the joy, bubbling inside.

“It sure is.”

~Present~

Sniffing, I run my finger along the bottom of my eye. Seeing our baby for the first time was a feeling I will never forget. Even now, my heart longs to have that time back. I could tell that Brent was ready to become a father, or at least really wanted to be one to our baby, and I knew that we had made the right decision. He wanted the child as much as I did and he loved me in a way I never knew he could. I didn’t know anyone could ever be loved like that.

~Past~

Brent hesitated, searching for the answer to a question he wasn’t asking. Then suddenly he stood up off of his dorm room bed, raising me with him. Holding both of my hands he lowered down on to one knee, never taking his eyes from mine.

My heart began to beat in a rapid staccato when I realized what was happening. This was that moment that a couple remembered forever. This was our moment.

“Ruby Anne Miller,” Brent said in earnest. “The first time I saw you, you took my breath away, made my heart skip a beat, and I had to know you. It was like you drew me to you for reasons I couldn’t comprehend.” He smiled. “You just make me so happy. You challenge me, keep me in check and make me a better person. I’m always my best when I’m with you. I need you in my life forever and longer.” He released my right hand and clasped my left with both of his. “I don’t have a ring to give you, but please know that you have my heart. Will you marry me?”

His words speared right into me and I was blissfully gutted. I tried to hold back the tears, but it was no use. They slid down both of my cheeks, leaving their salty residue on the corners of my mouth.

“Yes!” I burbled. “Of course, I’ll marry you.”

Dropping to my knees, I joined him on the floor where we kissed so openly and passionately, there was no way we could get physically closer to one another.

Gasping, I pulled back to hold his face in my hands. All I wanted to do was take in the man who had just poured his soul to me.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you, too.”

~Present~

We had a life we were making for ourselves. It wasn’t the one we had planned, but it was one we wanted together. That was all that mattered at the time.

Placing the ultrasound picture back into the envelope, I pull out the very last image of Brent and I ever taken together. We were planning to go back to our hometown that very weekend to tell his parents and my family about the baby. I was nearly sixteen weeks pregnant and just starting to get a baby bump, so we knew we couldn’t hide it any longer.

We had made all the plans necessary as well in preparation for having a child. I had talked with financial aid and the department about taking a hiatus. Brent was going to get a student loan and we were going to be married at the end of the school year. We planned to move into couples housing. It was a hard road ahead but we were going to make it work.

The picture in my hand is a self-portrait taken by Brent. He’s kneeling down on the ground, holding my shirt up with his lips pressed to my slightly bulging stomach. It was such a little bump, but we were fascinated by it all.

Who would have ever known this would be our only family portrait?

~Past~

Feeling pressure on my abdomen, I set my glass on the desk and hurried down the hall to the bathroom. I was always going to the bathroom. It was like this little person wanted me to own stock in toilet paper.

Pulling down my pants, I took a seat on the toilet.

Everything stood still.

My panties were streaked with fresh red blood. Fear took hold as I wiped myself only to find more crimson on the toilet paper.

Quickly grabbing a pad, I freshened up and picked up my phone to call Brent—scared shitless.
I shouldn’t be having my period and spotting should not be happening.
We had just had an appointment three weeks ago and everything was fine.

The phone rang several times, finally going into his voicemail. Patiently, I listened to his familiar greeting and then left a message.

“Brent…uh, I need you to call me as soon as you can.” I could hear the distress in my own voice. “I’m okay, but…just call when you get this.”

I hung up the phone and raced back to my room. Shuffling through my purse, I found the business card to my doctor’s office. It took me what felt like an eternity to steady my fingers enough to dial the number.

It only rang once, going into voicemail saying that the office was closed for lunch. The last part of their message stated that if it was an emergency, I needed to hang up and dial 911. Throwing the phone onto my bed, I flew back into the bathroom to see if there was any more blood.

There wasn’t.

It was clean.

Something was wrong, though. I knew it in the most unfathomable part of my soul.

I headed back to my room again, picking up my pace when I heard my phone ringing.

Answering on the last ring, I panted, “Hello.”

“Ruby?” Brent asked frantically, “Are you okay?”

“I’m not sure.” Tears of fear erupted. “I…I’m bleeding.”

“What do you mean?” he asked cautiously.

“I…I mean, I think there’s something wrong with the baby.”

“I’ll be right there. I’m coming right now.”

He hung up the phone and I met him the lobby of my dorm when he arrived about five minutes later. I cried into his shoulder for quite some time, until he was able to calm me enough with his soothing words.”

“It’s okay,” he consoled, stroking my hair. “It’s probably nothing.”

Leading me out of the building, Brent then hailed a cab and we took a ride to the hospital to make sure. When we arrived at the emergency room they weren’t able to take us back immediately, so we had to wait.

There were no words, just constant tears—tears with no comfort. Tears wrapped in anticipation.

About an hour later, we were finally called back to be seen.

I lied back on the cold, paper-covered bed.

The vinyl cushion was yellow.

The nurse pulled out the ultrasound machine.

She squirted the gel on my stomach and moved the wand around, finding our baby. I recognized the shape of our child instantly.  

No words were said.

The room echoed with silence—screaming no sounds.

There was no movement. The familiar flicker within the chest of my child wasn’t there.

There was nothing.

“I’ll be right back,” I faintly heard the nurse say as the ultrasound screen went black.

Nothing.

I had no weight.

Over
.

The world didn’t exist.

I was floating out of time, dropping into a cavern of nothing.
Where was I?

The air was stale.

My soul bubbled with pain.

We—I lost the baby.

~Present~

The phone wails in the background. Tears are streaming down into the creases of my mouth. Blinking a few times, the image of the baby,
my baby
, within the ultrasound picture comes back into focus. My ringtone gets louder as my thoughts drift further away from that awful instant in time where everything sank into a dark abyss. It was the beginning of my, and Brent’s, undoing.

The ringing finally stops and I wipe the strands of tear-soaked hair from my cheeks. Setting the image on the floor, I finger my forehead and regard my slightly bulging stomach from long ago. I’ve said goodbye so many times, but the longing is something that can easily come back. It’s never easy to lose someone or something you wanted so badly. Maybe even more than you realized at the time. I lost three people that day. My child, myself, and even though it didn’t seem like it…I lost Brent, too.

Acutely, I hear my phone start to ring again. Rising from the floor, I shuffle to where it sits on my bedside table. Brent’s name flashes on the caller ID.
Perfect timing.
I clear my throat and pull myself together.

“Hi,” I say forcing a cheerful tone.

“Hey there,” Brent replies. “Is this a bad time?”

“No.” I clear my throat again. My eyes shift to the closet and then back to the bed. “I’m not doing anything.”

“Oh. Okay.” Voices echo loudly in the background. “Hang on a second.”

“Sure.”

Rustling sounds come through the connection, along a few muffled voices, and then a stretch of silence.

“Sorry about that,” he starts again. “It’s hard to find a quiet place to talk in here. All the guys are getting ready.”

“Ah…testosterone.”

“Yeah, we have a little bit of it,” he chuckles. “I meant to call you earlier, but I got too busy and didn’t have a minute until just now.”

“That’s okay. No worries.”

“So,” he begins coolly. “You still up for later?”

I move my gaze once again to the mess of papers in the closet and then to the ceiling. There’s a heavy stutter in my heart for a brief second telling me that, “Yeah, I’m still up for it.”

“Good.” The timbre of his voice tells me that he’s smiling. I can almost see his expression. “It’ll be late.”

“I know. It’s fine.” There’s something simmering within in me that needs to be said. “I want to see you again.”

“I want to see you, too,” he retorts with utmost sincerity. “Just tell me where and I’ll be there.”

“When do you think you’ll be available?”

“Likely not until after eleven.”

Considering the time and the day of the week, it’s not easy to plan a meeting place, but the idea of coming here or going to his hotel will…well, could lead to something. It
would
lead to something.

“I’ll text you where, later. That way you’ll have the address.”

“Don’t forget”

“Oh, I won’t,” I laugh at his urgency, shifting my mood.

“I’ll call you when I’m done here and know better about the time.”

“Sounds good.” The pile of our life together calls to me and I step back into the closet. “Good luck at your game.”

“Thanks.” He clears his throat and I wait, knowing there’s more. “And Ruby?”

“Yeah?”

“I know I shouldn’t say this but...” He lets out a breathy chuckle. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”

“Really?” I stammer out while bending down to pick up our “family photo.”

“Really.” He sighs. “I’ll call you later. I’ve got to go.”

“Okay. Talk then.”

We hang up and I place the phone down to hold the picture with both hands. The look of adoration captured in that moment, slowly inundates me with embracing warmth. Love radiates off of the paper from Brent.

From both of us.

From all of us.

I never could have fathomed that something joining us as one, would so greatly divide us into two.

Twelve

The tall lamps reflect off of the damp, dark pavement as a light rain falls from above. It’s half past eleven in the evening. Given that it’s a Sunday, the neighborhood pedestrian and vehicle traffic is sparse. My chest tightens every time a cab approaches, thinking it may be Brent.

With the rapidly dropping temperature and the moisture in the air, I should wait inside the hot dog shop, but I’m not sure what kind of greeting I would receive. So, I endure the weather outside.

After waiting about fifteen more minutes, a cab stops at the curb on the other side of the street, letting out a passenger. Brent comes into view over the roof seconds later and the yellow vehicle takes off, speeding north of the city. He jogs across the road when there’s a break in the traffic. I straighten, pushing off of the building to meet him at the curb.

“Hey there,” I say, my voice breaking slightly. My nerves are on overdrive. Taking a stroll down memory lane this afternoon and the fact that his kiss still lingers on my lips from this morning has me on edge. “Did you have any trouble finding the place?”

“No.” Brent tucks his hands into his pockets and tilts his head up to read the glowing sign. “Apparently, everyone knows about this place.”