Fossiloctopus (7 page)

“Reflections on a Lie” (decoupage and glass-etched hand mirror; silvered glass; bronze frame; black and white photographs; acid).  Submitted to Jeffer’s City Creative Arts Open 24 May.  Accepted 9 June: Notified that the piece will receive an Honorable Mention at the awards ceremony on 17 July.  Received Honorable Mention 17 July.  My first Honorable Mention!  Submitted to Experimental Visionaries Forum 14 August.  Received letter 28 September saying that the EVF has lost funding and will cease all action immediately.  Submitted to Elsie Bingham-Jones (ex-wife) with certificate of Honorable Mention, 29 September.  Rejected 7 October with a note claiming: “. . . furthermore, the man in those pictures was not a part of my life until after the divorce.  Your super-imposition of his face on our wedding picture simply reinforces my argument (you have heard it many times, Jack) that you are insecure and bordering on paranoid.”  The decoupage came back damaged and will need some retouching.

“Bozo Knows” (clown facial accessory; foam and acrylic paints).  Submitted to Circus World Museum, Baraboo, WI, 19 June.  Rejected with note that they only accept pieces of historical value (such as the horn of Squeaky Bobo or Wavy Gravy’s Mescaline Wafers) though they appreciate and encourage my efforts.  No date on rejection letter (Circus Museum – what do you expect from clowns?), but received sometime in early July.  Submitted to Mister Whistles 1 October.  Received form letter in reply beginning: “Mister Whistles loves you kiddos – keep on whistlin’!” along with fan club application ($12.00/YR), 27 October.

“Missy I” (female Cairn Terrier modifications; hair-clips; pipe cleaners [warm palette]; clothespins; ponytail holders).  Submitted to Elsie Bingham-Jones 28 October.  Rejected 29 October by phone.  Simultaneously rejected by County judge, but my lawyer will appeal on grounds of censorship of art.  He is confident art will prevail.

“Missy II” (female Cairn Terrier modifications; hair-gel; hair spray; spray paint [cool palette]; glitter).  Submitted to Elsie Bingham-Jones 13 December.  Rejected 14 December by phone.  County judge tells me that he will see me incarcerated for cruelty to animals and for violating the terms of my restraining order.  I asked him to recuse himself from the case, as he owns a dog of the same breed as my ex-wife.  Rejected.

“Fluff I” (First in a planned series of five - male Cairn Terrier modifications; rubber cement; soil; semi-precious stones [tiger’s eye, agate, rosy quartz]; dunce cap).  Submitted to County judge 27 December.  Rejected.  Lawyer was no help in this matter.

“Origami Prison” (Diorama; toothpicks; plastic straws; paper; blood).  Submitted to Doctor Raymond Matthews 24 February.  He says he is glad to see that I painted a smile on the “prisoner’s” face (his “quotes”), but that since the mouth and eyes and hair were painted with my blood, he would have to take away all potentially harmful objects for the time being, including this paper and pen.

Subscription

January:

Another year is upon us and, with it, more quality submarine ephemera and memorabilia. We are excited to offer you the finest pieces we can find and have spent countless hours travelling, negotiating, researching, even diving ourselves to gather these museum-grade collectibles. We start this year's subscription with a very rare find, indeed. Aimee and I travelled to Rimini, in northern Italy, home of Roberto Valturio, who, in 1472, developed his prototype submarine based on drawings in his treatise
De Re Militari
. There we befriended Vito Vincenzo, a curator at the archaeological museum there. Vincenzo, a devilishly handsome fellow, invited us into a veritable labyrinth of connected rooms, each a treasure trove of historical relics. I became lost in the wonder of it all, time-travelling through storage room after storage room of forgotten objects. In the meantime, my wife, Aimee, negotiated with Vincenzo over the purchase of the shards of Valturio's 1/12 scale prototype, the miniature itself having been crushed in an earthquake in the late 1700s. Each piece of this tragically-splintered model is unique and comes framed in a shadow box with an inscribed plate and certificate of authenticity.

February:

Our trip to France this month yielded a veritable treasure, but before we get to business, let's talk pleasure. It was our pleasure to attend a gathering of maritime aficionados at the
Mussée National de la Marine
in Toulon. There we met with a who's-who of Naval officers, historians, and enthusiasts from across Europe, many of whom we established contact with in order to offer you, our faithful subscribers, the best in submarine memorabilia. Aimee negotiated hard and furious with several potential clients there, procuring items meant to hold down a certain famous submarine, rather than buoy it up. In 1692, Denis Papin, contemporary of Leibniz, built his second submarine, a metallic oval-bodied craft. Papin and a compatriot loaded the vessel with lead weights to sink it under the surface of the water of the Lahn River. This month, we present our subscribers with a genuine lead weight from that maiden voyage! Each spherical piece is contained in a high-density plastic cube, laser engraved with Papin's signature as found on the original plans for his submersible. A certificate of authenticity, signed by Marcelle Devouant, Deputy Curator of the
Mussée National de la Marine
is included with each artifact.

March:

We were home for the spring, since this month's selection and verification came to us. I, for one, was glad to be back from our European buying tour. As you know, while we love to travel, we are, at heart, red-blooded Yankees! We're wearing our patriotism on our sleeves with this month's issue, items associated with
Intelligent  Whale
, a Union submarine that almost fought in the American Civil War. In all, 39 men perished in trials aboard the poorly-named craft, all of which were observed by one Lieutenant Charles Daisher of Maine. One of Daisher's descendants approached us with a most unusual collection: One button from each jacket of
Intelligent  Whale
's 39 victims. Brian Benford, PhD, an Emeritus Professor of Civil War History at Case Western Reserve, spent three days with us verifying the authenticity of each of these buttons, each of which shows the shield and anchor motif so common in Union naval uniforms of that provenance. Curiously, I found several of Professor Benford's shirt buttons in my bedroom after his departure. The irony is not lost on me! Ha ha!

April:

Back to Europe, this time to Germany. But we were not hunting U-boats, which are so commonly found that every naval museum has a spare in its basement (U must stand for Ubiquitous)! Rather, we were there for a much rarer specimen, scouring Bavaria for our next offering. "Bavaria!" you say, "What submarine could possibly have come out of Bavaria?" Well, come out of Bavaria it did. In 1851, Wilhelm Bauer, an artilleryman in the Bavarian army, travelled down the mountains and north to Kiel harbor. There he tested his submarine
Brandtaucher
. The submarine sank, but the crew effected an escape. Our host in the mountain community of Oberammergau was a dashing gentleman, Earl Karl Freithoff, whose great-great grandfather had provided much of the funding for Bauer's project. Before setting off for Kiel, in fact, Bauer visited the erstwhile Earl and shared his excitement with the benefactor just before going down the mountain, blueprints in hand. Freithoff showed us the exact location of Bauer's departure and shared with us a little-known family secret: Bauer's footprint was still intact in the soil! We asked for and obtained permission to make several plaster casts of Herr Bauer's bootprint, which should arrive at your home sat the same time as this letter. I am, at this moment, in Freithoff's study surrounded by a stunning collection of original prints by the renaissance artist Albrecht Dürer, as well as an early manuscript copy of Goethe's
Die Leiden des jungen Werther
, reading and writing to my scholarly heart's content while the Earl takes Aimee on a tour of the mansion and its grounds. Until next month: Diver down and periscope up!

May:

South and Central America are known more for drug-smuggling submarines than any underwater vessels of historical interest, so we had to do some extensive searching for this month's artifacts. After many fruitless leads, we finally made contact with one Arrilio Pene, a sub-deputy in the Chilean Ministry of History, whose interests and expertise lie primarily in the realm of South American naval history. We spent several days with Pene making contacts and arrangements to procure items of interest from of Chile's most famous submarines,
Flach
, which sank in 1866 near Valparaiso. All 11  crew members perished in the wreck, but intrepid divers have, in subsequent years, retrieved certain objects of interest from the wreck. Now, I'm not much of a smoker, neither is Aimee. We reserve smoking only for our most private, intimate moments, not wanting to share secondhand smoke with anyone but each other. But I am excited about this smoking find! Those original 11 crew members aboard the
Flach
had with them a crate of cigarettes, which they planned to enjoy after a successful foray under the waves. Unfortunately, Poseidon was contrary. But just because they couldn't enjoy them it doesn't mean that you shouldn't! So we're sending out a
Flach
cigarette, each in a protective brass tube inscribed with an image of the submarine. These must be nearly irresistible, as Aimee came back smelling like smoke after an evening out with Pene and his wife – Ha ha! Seriously, you'll be too smitten by these original and unique historical artifacts to see your investment go up in smoke. Instead of smoking, why not lift a toast to those intrepid adventurers,
Flach
's crew of 11.

June:

Continuing our quest for exotic submarine artifacts, Aimee and I traveled to Istanbul, a city whose sights and scents are, thus far, the most unlike home that we have seen or smelled. The Ottomans, contrary to Hollywood's condescending imaginings, were early adapters of technology, especially when it came to weapons of war. They were, in fact, the first nation to fire a torpedo underwater, from the submarine
Abdülhamid
, in 1886. The negotiations for the current lot of offerings were altogether too long, and I fear that our host, Ismael Omar, held my wife for an inordinately excessive period of time to bargain over the goods. Nevertheless, she returned with Omar in good spirits, both parties smiling, satisfied with the deal. I do not trust the man, for some reason, but my wife assures me that the items we received are genuine. They are a set of tassels from the fez caps worn by the crew of the
Abdülhamid
. Their tattered appearance speaks to their authenticity. This is the real deal, folks, and Aimee again bargained hard to get them.

July:

It's funny how we sometimes quarrel over the little things. Even Benito Mussolini, the pompous Italian fascist, realized that small things might be used to advantage in a fight. During World War II, the Italian navy, such as it was, used midget submarines to attack ships at Gibraltar. Now, while we wish we had something as large as a midget submarine to send to our subscribers, we find that their scarcity, along with shipping costs, would prove preventative to fulfilling our (and your, we presume) wishes. We might have the next best thing, though. This month we are sending out portions of a handwritten letter by Mussolini himself, all authentic, though only a lucky few will receive the portion of the letter mentioning the miniature submarines. Good luck!

August:

While some of our subscribers were lucky enough to receive a "submarine" portion of Mussolini's letter last month, some were not so fortunate. I understand about bad luck, believe me. I often seem to have the bad luck of being associated with the wrong people. My wife tries to make up for me in this regard. Those British sailors of the "K' class submarines understand your plight, my plight, as well. Their submarines, which saw combat during World War I, were known for bad luck. This month we will be sending out the lucky rabbit's feet straight from the helms of these "K" class subs. The feet were collected when the unfortunate vessels were decommissioned after the ignominious years of The Great War.

September:

Years after "The War to End All Wars," the Soviet nuclear submarine
K19
was the first Soviet sub to make it to the North Pole. While this submarine was once the pride of the fleet and a barely-veiled symbol of masculinity and power in its prime, a series of radiation leaks led to its decommission in middle age. The hull was scuttled, and we herewith include a framed metal fragment from a former superpower's greatest underwater pioneer, long may she rest in peace.

October:

In 1944, the submarines
USS Tang
and
USS Tullibee
were hit by their own Mark 18 torpedoes, which came full-circle from their launch tubes and caught the boats amidships. There's nothing quite so harrowing as your own weapon turning and bearing down on you. Still, you, the faithful subscribers, become the beneficiaries by owning another piece of history, a symbol of betrayal abroad, the propeller blades of a Mark 18 torpedo, each etched with a silhouette representation of the submarines they hit.