Found by Love (38 page)

"Yes ma'am... I can't wait! Goodnight Mom and tell Dad I love him too and I said goodnight."

"Will do little man, will do."

I walked down the stairs and headed to mine and Caleb's temporary bedroom and when I opened the door he was sitting on the bed with a box in his hands with a grin on his face. Oh boy! The dreaded pregnancy test.

"Whatcha got there handsome?" Of course I knew what it was but I figured I'd mess with him a little bit.

"You know exactly what it is and I would love for you to go take it right now. I can't wait to find out that we're having a baby." Holy crap! He is really wants me to be pregnant!

"Caleb... Don't you think it's too soon for us to want to be pregnant right now? I'm still getting to know Grayson and I'm not so sure that I want to have a baby so soon. I mean... We aren't even
officially engaged yet. We haven't even gone on a date yet!" Realization kicked in and he knew I was right and shook his head.

"What are you doing tomorrow night? Wanna go on a date tomorrow night? I think it would be rude to leave Mattie with the family and... HER! But if a date is what you want I guess we could do it. I can't believe I haven't taken you out on a date yet!"

"Well didn't that just sound romantic and by the way, HER name is Josie and I really like her. You and Cash need to just get over yourselves already. You guys were kids and it was years ago."

"We were NOT kids! We were men and it was the most embarrassing moment of my life! You don't know how hard it was to not die of embarrassment while walking down the highway naked as jay birds!"

"Please don't bring it up again because I'm going to start laughing again and your mother isn't here to shame me into stopping."

He looked at me like I was crazy and I thought he was going to say something but he didn't which had me laughing all over again. I sat down next to him and cupped my hands around his face when I calmed myself down.

"I promise to never let anyone other than me humiliate you ever again. Will that work? Does that make you feel better?" He nuzzled his head into my chest and nodded his head against me.

"Maybe a little. Will you please go take this test so that I can sleep a happy man tonight?"

"Why do you want me to be pregnant so bad? Isn't Grayson enough for now?" He looked up at me with the sweetest smile on his face.

"Oh he's definitely enough for me but it's just that I'm not getting any younger and I'm different than Cash. If that would have been you at dinner telling me you were pregnant with our fifth child I would have been shouting it from the rooftops! Granted, Cash has a busier life than I do and I can tell that he's overwhelmed a lot but when I look into Gideon and Eden's eyes I see the love that he and Vanessa shared walking around every day. Same thing with the twins for him and Olivia. It's a proof of their love for each other and it's not that I don't feel that with Grayson because I love him and would kill anyone that tried to harm him but I want the world to know that you're mine."

"We don't have to have a baby to prove to the world that we belong to each other Nerd Boy."

"No we don't but I want to see a living breathing little piece of our hearts walking around in this world to prove that our love will never die and I want that love to extend out into the world. I'm not quite sure that you realize exactly how much I love you... yet." I grabbed him tight and hugged him and kissed him all over his face and had him chuckling under his breath.

"Okay. I'll go take the test and by the way, I DO know how much you love me because I feel it every minute of every day. I am curious about something though." I tenderly kissed his lips and grabbed the box out of his hands and started to head towards the bathroom.

"Wait a minute. I need a better kiss than that!" He attacked my mouth with so much intensity I dropped the box and put my arms around his neck and leaned further in to the kiss that was leaving me breathless. He slowly pulled away and whispered into my ear. "What are you curious about Cru?" I moaned into his mouth but then remembered what I wanted to ask him and I pulled away.

"What you said about why you want a baby with me so bad? How do you feel when you look at Grayson? I was in love with Jason or I at least thought we were both in love with each other but in reality he wasn't a product of love. So, what do you see when you look at him?" He opened his mouth and paused a few seconds and then spoke.

"I see YOU in everything he says and does. I see YOU when he cocks his head, that certain way that you do. I see YOU when he’s listening to every word I say like I'm the only person in the world that matters. I see YOU when he's excited about something and can't sit still, like YOU do. I also see the same sad look in his eyes when no one is paying attention that YOU get when you think no one is paying attention. That's when I reach over and give him a hug or think of something fun to do until that sad look goes away... Like I do for YOU." He got a really sad look on his face and I was suddenly afraid of what was coming next. "But..."

"What? After all of what you just mentioned there's a BUT? Why is there a but?!" Oh I'm going to have a panic attack. I HATE when someone says BUT! I step further away from him closer to the bathroom door in case I don't like what he has to say and he takes two steps closer to me in fear that I'm about to run.

"Wait! Haven't we promised to be honest with each other? Not have any lies between us? You asked me a question and I'm just giving you an honest answer Cru."

"Maybe I don't want to hear it. Everything you were saying had me falling deeper in love with you until you said that ONE WORD! Why didn't you just stop?"

"Cru! Stop it. All I was going to say was that.... What are you doing?" I walked around him and grabbed the pregnancy test and headed back towards the bathroom. I turned around and looked at him with hate in my eyes holding the box between us.

"THIS? Better be negative!" I grabbed the handle to the door and went in and slammed the door in his face and locked it before he could get in. He jiggled the handle and realized that it was locked and I heard him groan outside the door.

"Claudia? Please don't be like that! Claudia…. Cru… Please let me in. Please let me finish what I was about to say. I'm not going to talk to you through a door. Cruella!"

I went over to the shower and turned it on full blast and turned the sink and bathtub on as well so that I couldn't hear him and then pulled the test out of the box. I hurried up and read the directions and lifted the seat up and did what I had to do and sat the test down and looked at my watch to wait the suggested 5 minutes. No way was I going to watch the damn thing like a boiling pot of water.

How dare he? I know he was going to say something like he wished Grayson was his and he doesn't feel the same way about him like he would his own. Why else would he want me to have HIS baby so bad?! Yeah right he loves Grayson like his own my ass!  Why couldn't he just end it at all of the tender things he's noticed about how alike Grayson and I are?

There are little things about Jason that I see in Grayson every once in a while but I try not to think about them because they are very few and far in between. His mouth is shaped like Jason’s so maybe every time Grayson talks he realizes that Jason did mark him in some way. Ugh! Why did he say BUT?! I look at my watch and realize that the 5 minute mark has come and gone. I don't hear Caleb at the door anymore so I turn off the shower, sink and tub. I pick up the test and see what I was expecting to see.

Negative. It's... Negative.

Why all of a sudden am I sad that it's negative? It's negative. I feel something wet fall onto my cheek and I look into the mirror and realize that I'm crying. Why am I crying? I knew I wasn't pregnant and wanted to wait until after we were married to start trying to have a baby but all of a sudden I feel like my world has fallen apart. If I have a baby with Caleb will he love Grayson as much or will he favor any kids that we have more than him? Why am I so sad when I got the answer I was wanting?

I can't let him know that I'm upset about the test being negative. Ugh... Put your game face on Claudia. I turn the water back on at the sink and splash my face with some cold water and pat my face dry with a towel.

I pick up the test and grab the door handle and my heart drops. I guess in the back of my mind I wanted to be pregnant because this really hurts. Why does it hurt so badly? Okay. I can do this. I'm big bad Claudia; the biggest bitch in the county and people tremble when they find out that I’m the opposing counsel. I've got this! I put on my bravest face and opened the door and about lost it when I saw him sitting on the edge of the bed with the saddest look on his face. I about lost it again when he looked up but I stood tall and proud and waved the pregnancy test up in the air and grinned.

"It's negative! Just like I told you it would be." He didn't flinch or show any emotion at all so I added after I walked around to my side of the bed where he couldn't see me. "Thank God!"

I crawled into bed and pulled the blankets over me and reached up and turned my lamp off on my side of the bed. There's no way that I can handle a conversation with him after realizing how upset I am about seeing that negative sign on the test. Hopefully he leaves me alone and gets into bed and falls asleep.

I could feel him get up off of the end of the bed and I was hoping that he was going to just crawl in bed and let what I said go and go to sleep. Not that I will be sleeping tonight as upset as I am but still. I can't talk to him without bawling right now.

"I'm going to say something and I don't want you to say anything to me because when I finish what I have to say that's the end of the conversation." He sounded so sad and I could tell that he was about to choke up. Why did I have to throw in the 'thank God' comment? He unclogged his throat and continued.

"I'm not looking for a response when I ask this question but do you remember when you missed a week of school and I went to your dorm room and checked in on you and you said that you were fine and to leave you alone? I knew Claudia... I knew that you were in trouble but I didn't know why and I wanted to help you with whatever it was. I would have killed someone for you. I would have DIED for you if it would have put a smile back on your beautiful face. That's how much I was in love with you."

He choked out the last sentence and I pulled the blankets closer to my face because I wasn't about to let him see how wrecked I was by being the reason that he is crying. I didn't say a word and waited to hear everything because I deserve to feel the pain for whatever it is that he's about to say to me.

"BUT now? I wish I could figure out a way to build a time machine and go back to that day and MAKE you tell me what was going on with you because it would have been ME Claudia! ME! That would have married you and taken care of you AND Grayson and it could have possibly been ME tonight announcing that we were going to have our fifth child together. I know I've told you everything happens for a reason and I still believe that but I have my moments, like you do Claudia, to where I wish I could go back in time and change things as well and I wouldn't have to continue proving to you and Grayson how much I love the both of you. Unconditionally! You are BOTH my WORLD! So... You can be cruel to me all you want with your little
THANK GOD
about not being pregnant because evidently you're never going to trust anything that comes out of my mouth. So, there's your BUT that you were so DESPERATELY AFRAID OF!" I slowly pushed the covers back and rose up and looked at him and he was standing there clenching his fists with tears streaming down his face and I lost it.

"Caleb I'm so sorry I didn't mean to-" He waved his hand away at me and turned away and went to his dresser drawers to pull out a pair of pajamas. Something fell out of them onto the floor but he didn't seem to care or notice.

"Don't you dare say a word to me because I can't even look at you right now! I'm finding another room to sleep in but I'll be back in the morning before everyone gets up. The last thing I want to do is to make Mattie think something's wrong and decide to take Grayson back with him because I know that would kill you." I jumped up out of bed and ran up to him as fast as I could and threw my arms around his waist and held on tight as I kissed the back of his shoulder.

"Caleb please don't leave me! I'm so sorry. You're right! What I said was cruel and please let me take it back because I didn't mean it." He pulled my hands apart and jumped away from me and started walking towards the door.

"You know you meant it Claud. You're great at crushing people’s dreams and rubbing it in their faces but not anymore. Goodnight."

"I cried when I saw negative come up on that test! I didn't realize how much I wanted a baby with you until I saw negative on the test. Please believe me!" His face turned cruel and I backed away from him and stopped when my legs hit the bed.

"Believe you like you believed that what I was about to say was a bad thing? I'm done trying to get you to trust me! I'm done trying to prove to you that I'm not like Jason! I'm done Claudia! DONE!"

He stormed away from me and opened the door and walked out leaving me alone and bereft. I fell onto the bed bawling my eyes out at my stupidity. Why did I have to be so cruel to him about that stupid test?! Why wouldn't I listen to him when he tried to finish what he was saying to me? I should go find him. I can't leave it like this. I've never been one to beg but I will if I have to because he didn't deserve any of what I just threw out at him. Any of it!