Four Doors Down (31 page)

I hadn’t even wanted to go to Zara’s party that night, but I had promised Jake a couple of days before and he definitely wasn’t letting me change my mind. The only thing I’d been able to think about all day was Becca’s face after Kevin had grabbed her, the look of pure disgust and actual panic as she gathered her things. The look she shot me when I tried to help her was of pure hatred, but I could see she was trying to hold it together; her hands were shaking slightly and she was blinking really fast like she was trying to stop tears. I was so angry at him that he would do that to her, and I just wanted to help her, to reassure her, but she didn’t want me near her. When she nailed him in the dick, I actually felt proud of her. I hadn’t been able to get her out of my head all day, though. At lunch, I was watching her to see if she’d look at me. She glanced my way once and I caught her eye, but she just looked through me like I wasn’t there at all.

When I walked in on her with that dick, with her legs wrapped around him, I felt like I’d physically been punched in the gut. I’d gone looking for her, hoping to talk to her and instead I saw some fucking loser who was in no way good enough for her with his hands all over her. When I found out he was her boyfriend, it was like a second punch to the gut, this time from Floyd Mayweather. I shouldn’t have been surprised, really. I’d known how amazing she was for years, and it was only a matter of time before she finally let one of the many guys I knew would be interested in her into her life. Billy Jameson definitely put her off dating for a while, but I knew it wouldn’t last forever.

When she followed him out of the room and up the stairs, it took all my resolve not to grab her and take her home. The thought of her having sex with someone made me want to punch the wall, again and again, preferring the pain of a broken hand to the pain of knowing she was with someone else.

I went back to Jake and had just stood there, glowering across the room, not speaking. I could see Jake sending me curious glances wondering what was going on, but I ignored him and all attempts by Zara and Katie to draw me into the conversation. All I could think about was Becca, and that creep with his hands all over her.

Mason had come over. “Hey, did you know Becca McKenzie is here?” he said to me directly, knowing how I felt about her and knowing I would want to know if she was at the party. “I just saw her heading upstairs with some guy.”

I sent him a look which meant I clearly didn’t want to talk about it. He held his hands up and instantly backed off.

Jake glanced over at me. “She’s with a guy?”

I nodded. “Her boyfriend,” I bit out.

Sympathy crossed Jake’s face, which just pissed me off more. I didn’t want to be pitied. “Aww, man, I’m sorry. I didn’t know she was with anyone.”

“Why would you care who Becca McKenzie’s with?” Katie asked me curiously.

John had sent her a warning glance and shook his head, indicating that I wouldn’t want to talk about it. You see, that was the thing. It was the worst kept secret between my male friends that I liked Becca. Everyone knew, but I just wouldn’t talk about it. That was why I couldn’t believe Kevin Wilson thought he could pull that crap and grope her. Didn’t he know I was willing to destroy anyone over Becca? I thought they all knew that.

Katie looked over at me and the tension that was radiating off me in waves and nodded in understanding. “You like her?”

I didn’t respond, but I heard John snort and mutter “understatement” underneath his breath. I scowled over at him.

“Does she know?” Katie continued.

“No. And she’s not going to either,” I told her. Katie nodded. I didn’t care that Katie knew. She was one of my good friends and unlike some of the others girls in our group, she wasn’t a gossip. But I didn’t want Becca to know. I knew the way she felt about me and didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. And who was I kidding? As long as I didn’t say anything, I could still have this dumb hope that maybe one day she’d change her mind about me rather than shoot me down completely.

I think that was the moment that Katie decided to try and help me with Becca. After that, she was always asking me about her and trying to talk to Becca when she saw her, but she soon learned getting Becca to open up to a new person wasn’t as easy as she thought.

“I need some air,” I muttered. I turned and walked out the back door into the yard, and when I found her later drunk and alone, I was furious that her boyfriend had just left her, even though it did mean that I got to spend some one on one time with her for the first time in years. Even if she did spend the whole journey insulting me before throwing up on the sidewalk.

She still didn’t want to know me, she would still rather have talked to anyone over me, but she was still there when my grandmother died. She still chilled with me; she still wouldn’t let me be alone. Because that’s Becca. She’s prickly, she’s snarky, but she’s kind.

After that, I dunno, I figured I had nothing to lose. I started taking more chances, showing up where she was, talking to her more, and I could almost see the internal battle she was fighting. She didn’t want to let me back into her life—she’s nothing if not stubborn—but she was slowly letting her walls down, relaxing around me.

Then she ditched me for Charlie and I lost it. I know I was a dick for letting Jess hit her during dodgeball, but I was so mad at her. I was pissed with Charlie, anyway. Luke had told me what had happened at that gig. He had seen Charlie pull her into the middle of the crowd then just leave her when it turned into a mosh pit. Luke said you could tell just by looking at her how stressed she was getting and Charlie didn’t even notice because he was off doing his own thing. But I couldn’t say anything, no matter how much I wanted to, because as Jake pointed out, she wasn’t my girlfriend, she was his. And he was right. When I mentioned it when we were outside, I could tell how pissed she was with me just for bringing it up. But then she said she’d come and watch my game and I’d thought that was going to be the night, the night she finally just hung with me and would just be there again. I would take any time she would spend with me. I didn’t even think about kissing her. I mean, of course, I thought about it, but I just wanted her to be there for me. I was distracted the whole game, scanning the crowd for her when I could. I’m lucky I didn’t screw the whole thing up, but she never came. At the party afterward, I stood like an idiot watching the door waiting for her to show, but then Erica told me she was with Charlie and I felt like such a fool. I saw Becca’s look of surprise when Mason invited her and her friends to his party. After she’d looked away, he caught my eye and winked at me. He knew I’d want her there, and despite what Becca might think, Mason would never be exclusive about who he invited to his parties. At this stage, everyone was trying to help me with her. They were so sick of my crush (I mean, come on, that tutoring shit they came up with?) and I honestly thought that she would come, but she didn’t even give me a second thought when she went off with Charlie.

Enter Jess. I’m not proud of it, but Jess is cool and she’s hot and she wanted me, so I went with it. I had known that Jess had been into me for a while, but I always avoided hooking up with her in the past because I knew she’d want something serious rather than just a casual hook up. Because that’s the thing—I don’t do girlfriends. Yeah, I dated around—a lot—but I always kept it casual, kept it simple, and that was because of Becca. The only girlfriend I wanted was Becca McKenzie. I’ve always known everyone else was a distraction, but I knew Jess would want more than that. After Becca ditched me, I figured I’d give it a shot with Jess, thought she’d be the perfect person to help me get over this stupid thing with Becca, but it didn’t happen. It didn’t change anything. God, even when I fight with Becca, it excites me. I enjoyed it way more than I would ever admit. Watching her get all flustered and angry and knowing it was me who made her so mad, I realized she did care at least a little bit, even if she’d never admit it. She cared enough to be pissed at me.

So I kept trying, kept trying to be there, and then she told me to stop hanging around her and I had to take it. I had to listen to her and I kept my distance. I tried to stop thinking about her, tried to stop looking out for her, but it didn’t make any difference. I still wanted her. When I saw her crying over Charlie, I wanted to go and ruin the guy. I hated that he had the power to upset her like that, hated that he was lucky enough to have her, yet still treated her like that, hated him for doing that to her. I mean, how stupid could he be?

And then she kissed me, and I’ve never been so surprised or happy about anything in my life.

I thought that was it, that was finally it, but then she stopped suddenly, like she’d only just realized what she was doing, and she freaked. She ran away and left me feeling lower than I’ve ever felt before in my life. Then she ignored me, wouldn’t look at me. If she saw me, she walked in the other direction. Ignored all my calls and texts, even when I plucked up the courage to go to her house, she wouldn’t come downstairs. Then I saw her with Charlie outside her house and I thought they were back together. So I confronted her, in front of everybody.

I could see she was shaking, could see she was mortified, but she had been driving me crazy since our kiss and I wanted to get back at her. I know now it was a shitty thing to do, but can I help the way our school works? Gossip spreads like wildfire, and in all honesty, I wasn’t thinking about anyone else when I confronted her. I just wanted to sort things out with her. Then when Sam cut me off and Jake pulled me away, I realized how unfair that was, how tough that would have been for her. I was pretty sure she’d never, ever speak to me again.

Then she turned up at my dad’s birthday and she looked the most beautiful I’d ever seen her. And that’s saying something since I think she looks beautiful every time I see her. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her at first and when she confirmed she wasn’t back with Charlie, my heart literally fucking soared. I decided to do it. Decided to go all out and make her listen to me. Tell her how I felt once and for all. At least then I could say I tried everything.

And I did. And she didn’t run away, she didn’t tell me to get lost. She looked shocked to the core, but then I could almost see the wheels in her brain turning, working things out and I knew she was starting to figure it out. Understand why I was always where she was, understand why I always had something to say, understand the way I felt about her and she smiled. She actually smiled, and that was it. That was the best moment of my life. The moment when I got my best friend back and the girl that I’ve been in love with ever since I can remember.

I walk into the cafeteria still grinning like an idiot. I can’t stop. I walk to my lunch table, past Becca, who is already sitting down at hers. She glances up at me and her face lights up. I’ll never get tired of seeing that. I’ve waited so long for her to look at me like that. She gives me a knowing smile and it takes all the self-control I have not to pick her up and drag her back to my house. I can’t stop thinking about her. I cannot get enough of her. I can’t believe she’s finally mine.

I reach my table and slide into my seat. Mason glances up at me and screws his face up when he sees me smiling. I’ve not exactly been the happiest person in the world recently.

“What are you so happy about?” he asks.

I shrug but can’t wipe the smile from my face.

Jake on my left glances over at me and chuckles. “Yeah, Ryan, what could possibly have made you so happy?”

Confusion crosses Mason’s face and the rest of the table quiets down, tuning into our conversation. Realization dawns on Mason, and he breaks out into a huge grin. “You nailed McKenzie, didn’t you?”

I smirk back at him and look around to see that the rest of the table doesn’t really look too surprised at the news and are grinning back at me, looking genuinely happy for me. Wow, I guess everyone really did know how I felt about her.

I think originally everyone enjoyed watching me getting roasted by Becca. It’s not usually the way it works, but they soon changed their minds when the way she treated me made me into the world’s moodiest asshole. And the thing is, I know they all like her too. That thing Becca thought about us being the popular kids and looking down on her is crazy. I know most of the girls think she’s funny and I know for a fact that everyone is in awe of her for standing up to that psycho Fran Cunningham when we were freshman. Becca was fearless that day, and I was so fucking proud and impressed by her. Katie’s made an effort with her recently and would be BFF’s with her if Becca would let her, and I’m pretty sure if my male friends didn’t know how obsessed I was with her, at least a couple of them would have tried to have hooked up with her by now. In fact, I know that’s true. I’ve caught a few of the guys checking her out over the years, but they all knew she was off limits. Even though I never said anything, never admitted to anyone but Jake how I felt about her, they all knew.

“Finally!” says John while the others echo his sentiments. Only Jessica rolls her eyes in annoyance and I feel a pang of regret about using her as a distraction, but then remember she’s already been on a few dates with a college guy her sister introduced her to. The guys start to slowly clap their hands, giving me a round of applause.

I start to laugh and look over at Becca, who is listening to her crazy friend Erica. “Actually, I think I’ll ditch you losers today and go sit with my girlfriend,” I say still grinning.

This really sets them off and they start laughing, banging on the table and stamping their feet on the floor. Becca looks up in surprise at the noise and when she sees me grinning at her and the rest of my table looking over, she turns slightly pink but doesn’t look away. It’s probably for the best that she doesn’t look away because most of the students in the cafeteria are looking over now; my friends are making that much of a racket. She’d die of embarrassment.

I start walking over to her and the cheering and whistles start; my friends obviously find this very entertaining. I couldn’t care less. Becca shakes her head slightly, but she’s smiling and doesn’t look away from me. I drop into the seat beside her, throwing my arm over her shoulder and ignore the astonished looks from her friends. Only her friend Sam is looking at me like she’s not surprised and winks in my direction.