Free Yourself from Fears (10 page)

The antidote is to discover what frightening scenario you are creating in your imagination and then dissociate from it. Substitute an imagining of what you want to happen instead.

In this chapter we will use this NLP technique on a number of common fears.

FREE YOURSELF FROM FEARS

Fear of flying

Many people are afraid of flying, especially after the tragedy of September 11th. When you are on an aircraft you have no control, and unless you are in business or first class you are squashed into a small space, surrounded by strangers in a claustrophobic atmosphere.

People are afraid of flying for two reasons: the
consequences
of something going wrong and the
risk
of something going wrong.

Although the risk of something going wrong is very small, the consequences would be fatal.

Flying is uncomfortable, but very safe. Most people who are afraid of flying really fear turbulence. Once the plane starts to jump and vibrate it seems like it is falling to pieces, but the plane needs to be flexible. A tree bends in the wind and stays upright. Buildings in earthquake areas are built so they can vibrate with any earth tremor rather than staying rigid and trying to resist the tremors. Flexibility means survival. When the plane shakes in turbulence this is a good sign: it is exactly what should happen. Turbulence never hurt any aircraft, although it can be alarming.

Some people are afraid of turbulence, yet are willing to pay for a rollercoaster or fairground ride that will pitch them about far more. I do not mind the feeling of turbulence, but I must admit that my heart skips a beat if the engine noise changes, I am more sensitive to the sound of the engines than to the smoothness of the ride.

Some people have problems about being high and do not like to look down. If so, you can play with perspective. When you look out of a window and see small objects, there are two possibilities. One is that they are large objects a long way away. The other alternative is that they are small objects close up. Looking out of the window and imagining that everything you see is small and close can take away the fear of being up high.

Many people fear aircraft because they feel they have no control over what happens. Yet they will happily take a ride in a car driven by a friend, where they have no control and have a statistically much 74

COMMON FEARS THAT HOLD US HOSTAGE

higher chance of being involved in an accident. They take this for granted because it is familiar.

Fear of flying can be dealt with by applying the fear to action skill.

When you feel anxious about an impending flight, do the following.

Skill for freedom

Fear of flying pattern

1 Acknowledge your fear. Relax and breathe freely.You are still on the ground.

2 What are you imagining? Nearly everyone I have helped with this fear had a very unpleasant mental picture at the back of their mind. It was usually a small, dark picture of a cramped aircraft seat.

They were trapped there and the plane was pitching wildly in extreme turbulence, before plunging straight down to the ground.

They were associated into the picture, so they got the bad feelings of being in a turbulent aircraft. They had no control. They were afraid of the picture, not of what was happening. They hardly noticed the flight because the internal picture was so alarming.

3 Dissociate from the picture. See yourself in the aircraft from the outside.

4 Experiment with the qualities of the picture: a

Make the picture larger.

b

Make it fuzzy.

c

Make it black and white.

d

Make it smooth and still.

Some or all of these changes will make the picture have less impact.

5 Listen to what you are telling yourself.What are you saying to yourself about the flight?

75

FREE YOURSELF FROM FEARS

Experiment with the voice tone. Make it faster or slower. Make it squeaky or musical. Laugh at it.

6 What is the positive intention of the voice? It is probably to keep you safe. Change the words so that they express a useful positive intention. For example, you could change “It will be an awful flight” to

“I will enjoy a smooth flight.”

7 Set your goal.You want a smooth, trouble-free flight.

8 Mentally rehearse. Imagine being on a calm, safe flight. Be associated in the picture. Close your eyes and imagine you are in a comfortable.

spacious seat. Be there, seeing through your own eyes and enjoying the good feelings. See yourself there smiling and enjoying the flight.

When you are happy with that picture, associate into it. Feel comfort able.You are creating the reality you want in your mind and enjoying it. Before you created a frightening picture. Now you are creating a pleasant, safe scenario.Which would you rather live in?

If you feel afraid when you are in the air: J Become aware of your feelings, and be curious about what you are feeling.

J Relax your body (see page 212).

J Use a safety anchor (page 220).

Fear of authority

Many people are frightened of authority figures—a fear that often starts in childhood, where authority is power and has both the ability and the permission to hurt. They feel like a child again and are powerless to stand up for themselves. It is strange that the word

“authority” comes from the Latin
auctor
, the same root as “author”—someone who creates. In a twist worthy of George Orwell, authority 76

COMMON FEARS THAT HOLD US HOSTAGE

figures usually try to maintain the status quo rather than create anything new.

Authority is not something a person has by themselves, it is given.

We give authority figures their power. Some professions are essential and are there to serve us, like the police or public servants. Other people are placed above us in business and this authority should be grounded in their knowledge and skill, otherwise they do not deserve respect. Authority usually derives from a role: a manager, a guard, a police officer, a teacher. They are there for a reason and that reason is usually to help you.

Sometimes the person who fills that role does so unworthily. They use it to put other people down so they can feel good about themselves. We have all met people like that. Some of them are in a position to hurt us. Separate the role of the authority figure from the person who occupies it, which will stop any generalization of bad experiences from one figure to another. Just because one manager is bad does not mean they all are. The next one you meet might be fine.

To look at authority in a new perspective, we will use the NLP idea of perceptual positions.

Perceptual positions

To understand a situation completely you need to take different perspectives, just like looking at an object from different angles to see its breadth, height, and depth. One angle doesn’t give all the information you need. NLP has evolved three perspectives or ways of looking at a situation, known as first, second, and third perceptual positions.

First position is your own reality, your own view of any situation.

It is what you feel, think, and believe in that moment.

Second position is making a creative leap to understand the world from another person’s perspective, to think the way
they
think.

Second position is the basis of empathy and rapport. It allows you to appreciate another person’s feelings about the situation. It is essential in any type of negotiation to understand the other person’s position from their point of view.

77

FREE YOURSELF FROM FEARS

Third position is to step outside your view, to a detached perspective. You are not taking either your position or another person’s position. You see the relationships between the two viewpoints and assess them objectively.

All the three positions are useful; most people have a habitual one.

One way you can use second position to help with fear is to imagine you are someone else. Borrow an identity (for example a super-hero) and then imagine how they would feel. It is a little game that can help.

We feel inferior because of how we perceive authority. The next skill using perceptual positions will change the way you see authority.

Skill for freedom

Fear of authority pattern

1 Think about a situation with an authority figure where you feel afraid.

What do you see?

What feelings do you have?

Are there any internal voices? If so, what are they saying?

What are you mostly aware of?

This gives you a clear awareness of what the situation is like, so you can compare how you feel after this process.

2 Imagine yourself in second position.

Imagine you are the authority figure.

What is that like? How does it feel?

Come back and be yourself again.

This does not mean that you like or agree with the authority figure.

It is only a means of understanding.

78

COMMON FEARS THAT HOLD US HOSTAGE

3 Go to third position.

See yourself and the authority figure together.

Make sure that you are equidistant from the “you” you see and the authority figure.

In your mental picture, make sure that you are: J Observing from eye level (not from above or below).

J Hearing your own voice and the authority’s voice coming from where you see them (not as a disembodied voice).

J Speaking from your throat area.

J Hearing your real voice (not a childish voice).

J Hearing their real voice (not a parental voice).

J Feeling resourceful. Put all the unresourceful feelings with the

“you” that you see in the picture.

J Feeling fully balanced, standing up.

How does this change your experience?

Be fully aware of what it is like to see the situation from the outside and not be drawn into it.

4 Go back to first position.

Imagine yourself in the problem situation again with the authority figure. Make sure that you are:

J Seeing the other person exactly out in front of you.

J Hearing the other person’s real voice coming from their mouth.

J Feeling your own real voice coming from your throat area.

In this position, say: “I am here.” Feel the force of the statement.

What changes when you do this?

How do you feel now?

This skill works because the fear comes not from the authority itself, but from how you are thinking about it. By changing how you think about it, the fear diminishes and it is represented in a more realistic 79

FREE YOURSELF FROM FEARS

way. People in authority are just people, they go home and eat and sleep like anyone else.

Fear of success

Sometimes success brings unexpected problems, or we set out to achieve a goal and then become apprehensive as we approach it.

The first steps toward a goal are the easiest and get the most obvious results. As time goes on and you need to make more effort and face the law of decreasing returns, the same effort gets you less. The closer you get, the more effort you need to advance and improve.

When success really is within our grasp, we start to see all the other consequences that up to now we have not considered. We fear these consequences, rather than the goal. That is when we might “choke.”

For example, a man wants to become a millionaire, he works hard, and amasses a lot of money. As he nears that magic million, he suddenly notices how many of his friends seem to be more interested in his money than himself. He notices how little he knows his family, and how the money has not brought him the happiness he thought it would. He doubts his goal. Then he may sabotage his success, because it brings too many other undesirable consequences.

NLP uses
ecology
to describe the further consequences of a goal.

Fear of success is often a fear of these unforeseen consequences. To avoid this situation, you need a continuous ecology check.

Skill for freedom

Ecology check

Establish your goal—what you want and do not have.

Imagine yourself having achieved the goal. Go fully into that situation.

Where will you be?

80

COMMON FEARS THAT HOLD US HOSTAGE

Who will you be with?

What will be happening?

How will you feel?

When you can imagine yourself fully inside that goal, completely associated, come out and you will be in a good position to answer these questions:

J What are the traps and pitfalls on that journey that you want to avoid?

Think about the things that you want to avoid
en route
to the goal.

Goals are not achieved instantaneously, you have to take a journey.

J Now think about those things that you will have to give up, those things that you have and want to keep. Are you prepared to do that?

What is important about your present circumstances that you want to keep?

J What will be the consequences for the people you know who are close to you? Put yourself in their position. (Take second position with them.)

What will they think when you achieve your goal?

What can you do to make sure that they are not badly affected?

J What else will happen or could happen because of achieving your goal?

J What other goals will you have to put on hold or give up if you achieve this one? Goals need time and money and neither of these resources is unlimited.There is an opportunity cost to every goal—those goals you might have got but now will not because you are using your resources on this one.

These questions will help you explore the goal and make sure that success is something to be welcomed rather than feared.

81

FREE YOURSELF FROM FEARS

Fear of dentists and doctors

Many people are afraid of going to the doctor or the dentist. They do not run away from such people at a party (instead they may talk to them at great length), but they are afraid of what might happen when they visit them in a professional capacity.