Free Yourself from Fears (27 page)

FREE YOURSELF FROM FEARS

The church is a work of art in itself, quite apart from the sumptuous pictures, frescoes, and statues that surprise you from every corner.

The enormous dome that forms the top of the church was built in 1590 and is a miracle of engineering. From the floor of the church, we stared up into the dome with its magnificent art—the details were lost high above us. We joined the queue to ascend into the dome, where we heard every language except Italian.

When we got to the head of the queue there were two ways to go: with the elevator and without it. It was cheaper to go by foot and we wanted the exercise, so we elected to climb the stairs, despite a warning notice telling us that there were over 300 of them. We set off enthusiastically. The stairs went up in a wide spiral and with plenty of space to begin with. People kept their distance from each other and we circled slowly upward; the climb was a pleasure for the first 150 steps. Then the stairs narrowed and the spiral became tighter.

We emerged from the steps into a gallery at the top of the church, and still the dome towered above us. Looking down gave me vertigo, so I stayed away from the edge and we set off to climb the next set of steps. These were much narrower and went up in an even tighter circle than the first set and the treads became narrower and narrower.

If that were not bad enough, there were several largish windows looking out onto the city, and we were very high by this time. The wall pressed me on the inside. Outside, the view was of either an immense sky or the ground below. It was like being in a dungeon on top of a cliff. Also, the climb had made me a little breathless. It was a perfect environment to induce agoraphobia and claustrophobia simultaneously. I did feel uncomfortable, even though I do not suffer from either of those.

I continued climbing and hoped that we would emerge at the top of the dome soon. I was curious why I was feeling like this. The feeling made no sense. I was perfectly safe.

What was I imagining? That I was climbing a spire with nothing between me and a sheer drop on one side.

This was like a nightmare from
The Lord of the Rings
, like climbing a stair that got smaller and smaller as you went further and further 216

DEALING WITH FEAR IN THE MIND

up. I also had a mental picture of the stairs getting smaller and smaller and tighter and tighter until they became so small and cramped that I could not get any further—a kind of birth trauma fantasy. In another disaster scenario, the stairs collapsed and I was trapped. In all of these pictures, I was associated, looking out through my own eyes and being there rather than seeing myself in these predicaments.

Using my resources

I had to do something. I dissociated from the pictures and
saw
myself in those situations rather than
being
in them. That made me feel better immediately. From this new point of view, these imaginings were ridiculous. This church had been standing for hundreds of years and it was not going to collapse now. Thousands of people had ascended these stairs without mishap. The next thing I did was to think of something to make me feel better. I thought back to earlier that day when we had bought some Venetian glass in one of the small shops off St. Peter’s Square. The glass was beautiful and I imagined putting it on the table in our apartment. I felt much better thinking about our apartment than thinking about the narrow winding stairs.

Next, I thought about my experience in airplanes. I have flown hundreds of times and it has never made me nervous. Here I had my feet on the ground (even though the ground was high up). If flying did not frighten me, why should this?

As I thought about this, I heard someone a little further down slip and swear loudly in English. I went to see what had happened. A man had turned his ankle on one of the slippery steps and had sat down to rest. I asked him if he was all right. His face was pale, even in the gloom. He said that he was OK and he had a couple of friends to help him, so I left him to recover.

I kept climbing, pushing myself forward and concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. Andrea came next to me and put her hand on my arm and asked me if I was OK. I said yes, and I felt better.

217

FREE YOURSELF FROM FEARS

I also did not want to show other people that I was afraid. I value being the sort of person who is fit, can climb, and has little trouble with heights. And I wanted to reach the top of the dome because I wanted to know what was there.

We came at last to the top. It was worth it. The sight was marvelous. The beauty banished my fears.

Summary of resources

When I reviewed this experience, I thought of the strategies I had used to deal with the situation.

J The first resource was
curiosity
. I was interested in my fear, so I could view my feelings from a distance and observe them dispas-sionately. I could witness my fear rather than be inside it.

J The second resource was
reason
. I told myself that what was happening was not reasonable. This can help with mild fears, but it is difficult to talk yourself out of a strong emotion. Secondly, this strategy uses the auditory system (talking to yourself) when the fear is usually created in the visual system (pictures of disaster). As long as you believe what you see in your imagination, self-talk will not help.

J The third resource was discovering the
strategy
I was using to create my fear. I was making frightening pictures in my mind and associating into them. When I dissociated from the picture and saw myself in it, it was no longer something that was happening to me, so I lost the feeling of fear. I was an observer and I could see it as unreal.

J The fourth resource was to think of something to
change
my emotional state—something that made me feel good and secure, in this case the Venetian glass.

J The fifth resource was
counterexample
. I found an experience similar to what was happening where I felt OK (traveling by airplane).

I had flown without fear, so why should I feel frightened now?

J The sixth resource was a
distraction
. An outside shock interrupted my thoughts. When the man shouted, I was brought back to the real world from my scary mountainside fantasies.

218

DEALING WITH FEAR IN THE MIND

J The seventh resource was paying attention to
someone else
’s troubles. This again brought me out of my mental world and focused me on what was happening. My concern for the other man made me forget for a while about my own fear.

J The eighth resource was my
identity
. I do not see myself as the sort of person who is frightened in that situation.

J The ninth resource was to
avoid
the bad consequences of giving into my fear. I did not want to feel wounded pride, so I continued upward. I did not want to show other people that I was afraid.

J The last resource was wanting to get to my
goal
. I wanted to see what was at the top of the dome.

All of these were useful resources. I did not give in to the fear. If I had, I could have strengthened the fear of heights and enclosed spaces and it would have been more difficult to challenge it next time.

Strategies for relieving fears and anxieties
1
Curiosity
—become curious about your fear. What is happening?

2
Reason
—tell yourself that the fear does not make sense.

3
Mental strategy
—find out how you are creating the fear by becoming aware of your mental pictures. First dissociate from the pictures and evaluate them objectively. Then apply the cognitive analysis.

4
Changing your emotional state
—by thinking of something else.

5
Counterexample
—do you have a similar experience when you did not feel afraid? What made the difference then? How can you use that in the present context?

6
Distraction
—pay attention to something on the outside that has nothing to do with the fearful situation.

7
Concern for others
—pay attention to someone else’s problem.

8
Identity
—do you see yourself as the sort of person who would be frightened in this situation?

9
Avoidance
—avoid the bad feeling of giving in to the fear.

10
Your goal
—think of what you want to achieve and be determined to get it.

219

FREE YOURSELF FROM FEARS

All these strategies will work providing you take a first essential step: you want to do something about your fear.

Types of resources

These resources fall into five categories.

Changing your emotional state

Curiosity is a very strong resource state. You can get curious about your fear. As you get interested in your emotional state, this helps in two ways. First, the emotion of curiosity starts to displace the emotion of fear. Secondly, as we discussed in Chapter 2, awareness of a feeling helps to disperse it. When you are curious, you can look at your fear as something separate from you instead, something you have and not something you are. When you are curious about something, you can overcome your fear.

I changed my emotional state by thinking of something else that made me feel good. This is using an NLP resource anchor and is a powerful way to combat fear.

If you do not have a resource anchor, here is how to create one.

Skill for freedom

Creating a resource anchor

1 Decide on the exact state you want to feel. For example, secure, calm, or relaxed.

2 Think of a time in your life when you had that quality.That state is a resource from the past that you will bring to the present with an anchor.

220

DEALING WITH FEAR IN THE MIND

When you have identified a time, imagine yourself back then, associate into the memory, and experience it again as fully as you can. If you cannot remember a time, then put yourself in a calm, relaxed, and secure state either by imagining such a situation or with relaxation exercises (see page 212). By doing this, you will automatically be associated in the state in the present moment.

3 Set an anchor for that state as follows.

While you are associated in the state:

J Pick an auditory anchor—a word or phrase that links strongly with that state, for example “I am safe.”

J Pick a visual anchor—either something mundane that you know you will see in a fearful situation, or a visual memory, or a symbol.

J Pick a kinesthetic anchor—a natural movement that you can do easily. Breathing out slowly would be a good choice.

4 Come out of the state and be aware of your surroundings.

5 Test the anchor you have made.

Say the phrase to yourself, see the visual cue, or if that is impossible imagine it in your mind, and make the movement that you decided on.

Notice how you feel safe and relaxed.

If the anchor does not work, go back to Step 3. Associate as fully as you can into that state, be fully back in that time, hearing what you heard, seeing what you saw, feeling what you felt. Make that state as strong as possible.Then set your anchors again.

When you have tested the anchor and have found it works—prac-tice! Resource anchors are useless if you forget to use them. Practice your anchor at least 20 times.The more you practice, the more it will become automatic.

221

FREE YOURSELF FROM FEARS

If you want the anchor to help you with a particular fear, for example fear of flying, then mentally rehearse getting on an airplane and using the anchor.This will help you remember when you next board an airplane.

Using a resource anchor is a mental strategy. It is a sequence of pictures, sounds, and feelings. The outcome is to make you feel better.

When you create a resource anchor you are relearning. You use a new mental strategy to cancel the original one that was creating the fear, and a new anchor to replace the trigger that made you feel afraid.

Distraction

This is called a
break state
in NLP terms. A break state is anything that interrupts the emotion you are feeling by taking your attention.

While you cannot do an effective break state on yourself (how do you surprise yourself?), you can get someone to talk to you or tell you a joke.

You can break state in three different ways: J Visual, by seeing something interesting or surprising.

J Auditory, by hearing a sudden sound or music.

J Kinesthetic, by a touch.

You can use break states on other people when they are frightened or in another unresourceful state.

Self-talk

You can reason with yourself. Tell yourself that it makes no sense to be frightened. Use a reassuring tone of voice. A scary Stephen King type of internal dialogue can frighten you even more. First, use a soft, relaxing tone of voice. Secondly, use positive statements. When you say to yourself “Don’t be frightened,” you are focusing on being frightened. It is better to say “I can feel calm” or “Feel calm!” (in a calming voice tone, of course). Make the voice tone match the sort of 222

DEALING WITH FEAR IN THE MIND

feeling you are trying to have. Sometimes it is just helpful to say repeatedly “Calm” or “Relax” in a calming voice tone. This acts as a kind of hypnotic mantra and if it works, you can use it as a resource anchor.

Values

Values are powerful against fear. When other people are in trouble, especially those you care about, then you suddenly forget your fear to help them. Afterward, looking back on what you did, you may hardly believe what you did.

Secondly, there is a sense of achievement. Many people who face real danger, such as climbers and explorers, can conquer their fear because they want to know the answer; they want to reach their goal because it is important to them.

Last, you may start to wonder if you are the kind of person who would be frightened and value your lack of fear.

Mental strategy

In the church I used the principles that we have already discussed in Chapter 6. I found the pictures and sounds I was imagining and dissociated from them. I substituted my own pictures and sounds and also paid attention to people on the outside. When you pay attention to pictures and sounds on the outside, then you have less attention to give to the pictures and sounds on the inside. It is your attention that provides them with power.