Fresh Kills (19 page)
Authors: Bill Loehfelm
I called him every few months. Rose hung up on me if I was drunk. If Jimmy answered, he just apologized and talked about breaks from school. But those breaks always came and went without us getting together. We’d have a drink now and then if he could steal an hour to swing by whatever pub I worked in. We could never decide between resuming the old conversation and starting a new one. Sometimes it was months between visits, and as each year went by, we each sank deeper into our different worlds.
In truth, I let myself be seduced by the action and steady cash of the bar business. I met Virginia over the bar. A tattoo artist in the East Village, she stopped in every night for a double Maker’s on her way home from the ferry. She was wilder, funnier, and more exciting than any girl I’d met at CSI. She had no use for school, either. She was, like me, into getting about the business of living. Her appetite for sex was monstrous and insatiable. I took Virginia as proof I made the right choice in leaving both school and daylight behind. We made the nights a lot less lonely for each other and every now and then, for someone else. For my thirtieth birthday, she gave me my first tattoo, inking my right shoulder with an elaborate mesh of Celtic tribal patterns and symbols. It covered my switchblade scars from high school.
I thought being coupled-up might get me back in Jimmy’s good graces, but it never worked out. We squeezed in two late, rushed, uncomfortable dinners. Virginia rambled on endlessly about her various schemes for the future, as Rose just stared thin-lipped at her tattoos all night. Both times, Jimmy and I got way too drunk. I was disappointed, but Virginia filled my social schedule and slowly seeped, like ink, into the spaces of my heart. She made me laugh. She got me into trouble. We asked very little of each other. I didn’t worry about Saint Jimmy anymore. Three years went by like one long, slow day. Jimmy and I kept things barely alive with sporadic phone calls. Until Virginia walked out on me six months ago. I think Julia sent him to me then, too.
He just appeared at my door the night Virginia moved out. The cavalry, with a case of beer in one hand and a copy of
Brave-heart
in the other. He stayed the weekend, drinking beer, watching hockey and violent, profane movies with me. I can’t remember a single thing he said to me that weekend, only that on Monday morning Jimmy was gone back to his world and I’d somehow managed a tether-hold on mine. I was able to clean the house and Monday night I was back at work, my life somehow moving again.
Brave-heart
in the other. He stayed the weekend, drinking beer, watching hockey and violent, profane movies with me. I can’t remember a single thing he said to me that weekend, only that on Monday morning Jimmy was gone back to his world and I’d somehow managed a tether-hold on mine. I was able to clean the house and Monday night I was back at work, my life somehow moving again.
With me back on my feet, Jimmy went back to his grown-up world on the southern end of the island and I held a small orbit around the bars at the northern end. Until he sidled up to me at Joyce’s, I hadn’t seen him since that weekend.
“Bit of a shock,” I said. “Seeing you out on a school night with a drink in your hand.”
“Extenuating circumstances,” Jimmy said. He covered the glass with his hand. “Just this one, though.” He picked up his drink and knocked it back. “Okay. Maybe one more.” He called for Joyce.
“Rose’ll be mad,” I said.
Jimmy shrugged.
“You married yet?” I asked.
Jimmy studied his left hand. “Nope, not yet. Maybe soon. We’ll see. It’s an odd thing, the continued success of our relationship argues both for and against matrimony.”
“Rose buys that bullshit?”
“Not at all,” Jimmy said. “She’s not big into paradox.”
“So whenever she says it’s time?”
“It’s time,” he said, laughing. He shook a finger at me. “Not that long ago, you were whipped as I am.” We laughed. It was true. I wondered for a moment if he was talking about Virginia or Molly. Jimmy had a way of making time disappear.
“You doin’ all right?” Jimmy asked. “It’s a lot, you and Virginia and now this.”
“I’m fine,” I said. “I just wanna get it all over with.”
Jimmy looked at me. He knew there was more to it than that, but he had too much class to call me a liar to my face.
“This powwow is overdue,” he said. “What happened to us?” He shook his head, took a tiny sip of whiskey. “Shit like this makes you think.”
“Forget it,” I said. “Lord knows I could’ve tried harder. We’re all busy; life goes on. We grow up, or at least you did. You and Rose came to my mom’s funeral; you came by when Virginia split. ”
“No, it’s not cool. That’s what I’m talking about,” Jimmy said. “I don’t want to be one of those people, paying my respects when tragedy strikes then disappearing back into the ether.” He paused. “We joke about Rose, but it’s not her fault.”
“Look, I haven’t come looking for you much, either,” I said. “You and I both know I wouldn’t have called you this week. It goes both ways. And I know it ain’t Rose. She was good to me when Mom died.”
“She’s always liked you,” Jimmy said.
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” I said.
“No, really,” he said. “She sent me down here tonight. I was just going to call you in the morning. She’s always rooted for you. She’s just, you know, protective.”
“Rooted for me to do what?” I asked. “You need protection from me?”
Jimmy grimaced, realizing he’d talked himself into a corner. “She wants you to, you know, find a girl, settle down. She just pulls for you to . . .”
“Grow up?”
Jimmy stalled. “Mellow out, maybe.”
“Virginia and I lived together. I tried to settle down. She left me. Rose just never liked her.”
“Believe me, I know,” Jimmy said. “Virginia was wild. And not exactly stable.”
“Gimme a break,” I said. “What’s a couple tattoos? A nose ring?”
“And a belly ring,” Jimmy said. “And a tongue ring.”
“And a nipple ring,” I said, “and a . . .”
Jimmy waved away the rest of my sentence. “Enough.” He laughed. “It’s a wonder she didn’t jingle when she walked.”
We sat silent for a while, until Jimmy reached his arm across my shoulder. He leaned in close. “Look, lad, it wasn’t some catty thing. Rose never thought she was good enough for you, but it really had nothing to do with Virginia’s . . . accoutrements. Admit it, man. She tortured you. She’s going to Europe then she’s not. She’s going to Japan then she’s not. She’s going away to grad school in Bali or whatever fucking country half the world away, buying language tapes and everything, then she’s not.”
“She had an adventurous spirit,” I said. “I admired it. I hoped it might take me somewhere, too.”
Jimmy scoffed. “And now that she’s been liberated from the burden of you, where has she gone? Nowhere. Face it, she was a fake.”
“She was like me,” I said. “She wanted more than this stupid island has to offer.”
“Japan? Bali? The City’s a twenty-five-minute boat ride away. Answer me this, you ever get an invitation to these locales?”
I had, sort of. Meet her there when she got settled, that kind of thing. We never got further than that. I knew she was being careful, wanting to be sure she was more to me than a ticket off the island. “Nobody’s perfect. It went both ways,” I said. “I wasn’t easy to live with, either.”
“Who is?” Jimmy said. “I never knew how you lived so long with it. Her, always with one foot out the door.”
“I held on hard to the one I had,” I said. I smiled. “Till she chewed it off.” We laughed, and I relaxed. Then Jimmy shone his troublemaker’s grin at me. The one I used to get before Bono happened, the one I used to get right before we got Saturday detention. “Now, Molly she likes a lot.”
I blinked at him, startled. How in the hell did Rose know about Molly and me? Jimmy must’ve read the question off my face.
“Tottenville held an in-service, about a month ago,” Jimmy said. “Molly was there. Bunch of us went out for drinks after and Rose met up with us. I introduced them. I didn’t know about you and Molly, your current situation, yet. Shit, I hadn’t seen Molly in forever. We told Rose how we knew each other, started talking about you, high school. Poor Molly, it just popped out of her.” He grinned. “Like she’d been just dying to tell.” He waved a hand. “Don’t worry. Rose can keep a secret. And me, you know I never see anybody but Rose.”
“I don’t know how much of a secret it is, anymore,” I said. Jimmy and Rose knew. Waters and Purvis knew. Julia knew. I tried to relax. None of them were big talkers. Except for maybe Purvis, but he was
all
talk. And what did I care? I wasn’t the one with something, someone, to lose. Though who knew what Molly would do if David found out?
all
talk. And what did I care? I wasn’t the one with something, someone, to lose. Though who knew what Molly would do if David found out?
“For the record, I don’t blame you,” Jimmy said. “The years have been more than kind to our Ms. Francis. Rose spent three days talking about her legs. You don’t know how hard it was pretending I hadn’t noticed them, or the rest of her.”
“I’m glad you approve,” I said. I thought of Jimmy checking out Molly, noticing the shape of her from behind, the rise of her breasts, and realized I felt uncomfortable with it, almost offended. Possessive. I pushed the thoughts away. What would David think, as if I cared, about what I was doing with Molly? If anyone was violating someone else’s space, it was me.
“Just so you know,” Jimmy said, leaning close again, like a conspirator, “Molly didn’t say anything explicit, but Rose got the distinct impression that she might be up for a little more than . . . well, what you’ve got going on right now.”
“You can say ‘just fucking,’ ” I said. “Nobody’s feelings will be hurt.”
Jimmy raised his hands. “It is what it is. I’m just saying, in case you were wondering.” He put his hand over his heart. “As for me, I, too, must come out in favor of such an arrangement. And I think I can speak Rose’s approval.”
“It’s getting David’s okay that’ll be a problem,” I said.
“Fuck him,” Jimmy said. “You and I both know he was a rebound after nine-eleven, after she lost her brother. Hell, I wouldn’t want to be alone through all that, either. You remember that first year. Bad relationships spread like herpes all across New York.” He shook his head. “Use the brains God gave you, boy. Separate apartments and no ring after five years? Trust me on this, David ain’t nothing but habit at this point. Don’t use him as an excuse. I know we were young and naive in high school, but you had hope when you were with Molly. You talked about the future instead of the past. Think about that.”
I knew I would think about it. But I wasn’t telling Jimmy that.
“Molly’s got a tattoo, you know,” I said, looking down into my lap, “right above her—”
Jimmy waved away the information again. Joyce mistook it for a signal and came over to us. Jimmy ordered another round. “Don’t you smoke anymore?”
“Of course.”
“Then let’s indulge,” he said, grabbing the drinks from Joyce and standing. “I’ll blame the smell on you, like I will the second and third drink. And Rose, good sport that she is, will pretend to believe me.” He laughed. “We oughta hang out more often.”
I rocked a little as I stood, and took my time following Jimmy to the door.
Outside, I gave Jimmy a smoke and lit it for him. Against my better judgment, I itched to know more of what Molly had said about us, how Rose had gotten the impression she had. Just because, I told myself, it didn’t make any sense. Her throwing away a stable, steady thing, for what? Me?
Sure, she’d been full of romantic fantasies when we were teenagers. I had, too. But we were kids. We were supposed to think that way. Then. Surely she’d given up all that and grown up. Wasn’t a teaching career and a big apartment proof of that? Wasn’t three-piece, big-briefcase, big-income David living proof of that? But she’d been coming, more and more often, to my small apartment. She lingered longer the morning after. I saw the tattoo before David did, patted away the blood after she slid down her underwear and lifted the bandage. Took care with my hands, entered her gently, slowly, in case she was sore. What did any of that prove? That we weren’t “just fucking” anymore? I could go on calling it that if I wanted, same as I could go on calling Virginia’s restlessness and indecision an adventurous spirit. But calling something a name didn’t make it so. I’d called John Sanders, Sr., “Dad” my whole life.
I tried not to think about Molly and I being together, out in the open, but it was hard not to. I imagined making love to Molly in her bed. I imagined meeting her parents again after so many years and the death of their son. I saw Molly and me at dinner with Jimmy and Rose. As each picture appeared, I pushed it away. But a stubborn thought kept pushing back.
I’d always assumed we didn’t talk about David because it made her feel guilty. Or that it was a way of protecting him. But what if she was ashamed of being with him? Of not having the guts to leave when she knew the relationship was long over. They’d met at a 9-11 fundraiser, only months after that day, when her mourning for Eddie was at its deepest. David chased her for a year. I could understand her hanging on to him. Letting go of him would be like letting go of another piece of Eddie. Why hadn’t I seen this sooner? She could be here. Now. The thought made my skin hum.
“So,” Jimmy said. “The elephant in the corner.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Oh, I don’t know, the one thing we haven’t talked about. Your father.”
“What about him?” I asked, almost relieved he’d brought it up. Anything to get my thoughts of Molly away from the dangerous territory they’d wandered into.
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