Freshman Year (18 page)

“You do?” she asks, like she thought I might actually turn her down.

“Keeta, I can't stop thinking about you either and I
am
freaking out, but I don't care anymore because…” I bite my lip.

“Because what, Amara?”

For a second, I think about Stef and I know I'm a bad, bad, bad friend, but that part I keep to myself. “I want to kiss you, too.”

“Really?” Keeta whispers and then leans in even closer so our lips are only millimeters apart.

I don't reply. Instead, I close my eyes and wait for her lips to touch mine. When they do, I finally understand how time and space can bend and sway like a tree on a windy day. And I finally understand what it means to be in love.

Ding, ding, ding
goes the bell over our heads. We both jump and stop kissing, and I develop a hate for that bell that is stronger than my hate for dressing rooms and low-rise pants combined.

After we look at each other and smile, Keeta kisses me once more and I'm 100 percent sure I can spend the rest of my life kissing Keeta behind these shrubs.

“I'm glad we had a chance to talk,” she says then gives me one of those hypnotizing looks, slips out from behind our secret spot, and walks into the performance hall.

And me? I lean against the brick wall for support until I can be sure I can stand on my own. I can't believe I've just been kissed by Keeta, and I can't believe I didn't screw it up.

I somehow get through guitar without imploding, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it in. I want to scream it into the office PA system during homeroom or hire a plane to fly over the school at lunch with a sign trailing behind that reads:
Keeta and Abbey kissed!
But I know better; this is a secret that must never be found out by anyone.

I change for PE, and keeping to my usual routine, I wait for Kate, who has taken to changing in the bathroom instead of next to her locker in order to avoid changing next to me. I guess I understand why she does it with all the gossip going around. But, even if I do like girls (okay, okay, I do like girls), it doesn't mean I'm going to start hitting on Kate. She's my best friend, nothing more, and I wish everyone could see the difference.

I spot her shoes in the third stall and bang on the flimsy door. “Hurry up, Kate! We're going to be late.”

“Whatever, go away.”

At first I think she's joking, but then Kate pushes open the door and nearly knocks me over as she rushes by.

“Whoa, qué te pasa? Estás bien?”

“I don't know what you're saying,” Kate says, as she stands in front of the mirror to put her hair up in a messy ponytail. “You must have me confused with your
other
friends.”

“What's going on, Kate?” I can't believe how mean she's being.

She turns from the mirror to look at me. “You tell me, Abbey.”

“What? Why are you so mad at me?” I don't know what she knows, but she definitely knows something and it's not something good.

I can tell she wants to scream at me, but she won't because she doesn't want to draw any attention to us. Instead, she glares at me as she says, “I don't even care that much, you know? But you seem to have no problem lying to me, and that's what really pisses me off. It's like everything we've been through is a joke.”

“Kate, wait,” I start, but there isn't a ladder big enough to get myself out of the hole I'm in.

“Save it, Abbey. I'm sick of your lies.”

She storms out of the locker room leaving me alone with my guilt and a dozen classmates thinking that the rumors about me and Kate are true. In less time than I spent kissing Keeta, the best day of my life quickly turns into one of the worst. I could blame it on someone else, but I know it's my fault. I got caught. My lies have to end, or my friendship with Kate has to end. The problem is I want it all: Keeta's kisses and Kate's friendship.

Kate ignores me all during PE, which means Mari and Sarah ignore me, too. Things would be a little bit better if I at least had third period to look forward to, but I dread seeing Stef and Garrett. I'm sure they have built-in radar that can detect lesbian love.

“Hey, Abbey!” Stef's enthusiastic greeting is like a knife in my gut. Garrett doesn't say anything and waves because she's busy copying Stef's homework before the bell rings.

I fake a smile—“Hey, guys”—and throw my stuff down on the floor, trying not to look as guilty and crapilicious as I feel. “What's up?”

“Don't you think you should tell us?” Stef asks.

I almost go into cardiac arrest, but she's smiling, so I figure I'm still okay. “Tell you what?”

Señora
Cabrera starts class, so, like always, we have to resort to our sneakier form of communication. I must say, I'm really getting a knack for passing notes while still being able to appear like I'm paying attention in class. I guess it's like playing basketball or guitar or, in my case, lying. It just takes a little practice to get good at it.

Stef slyly drops a note onto the floor and covers it with her foot. When I see an opportunity, I drop my pen, get the note, and open it in my lap:

So Crutch,

U thought u could keep it a secret? Haven't you learned by now that nothing gets by us? You're dealing with the freakin Lesbian Mafia, dude.

I look up to check in with
Señora
Cabrera. She has her back to the class as she scribbles some vocabulary on the board.

Back to Stef's note:

Yeah, we found u out, Girl. Time to swim with the fishes.

My great day that quickly went worse is now seemingly done for. I start to sweat profusely and read on:

But we talked it over, and you're forgiven. So, this Saturday, we're taking you out for a night you won't forget. It's BYOBB—bring your own barf bag. Ask no questions.

Stefarino Soprano

I turn in my seat and roll my eyes at Garrett and Stef then fold up the note and breathe a giant sigh of relief. My special secret is still safe for now, I think.

At least they want to take me out on Saturday, instead of my actual birthday on Friday. I guess they figure my mom would want to do mushy mom-daughter stuff, which is the case. I play along for my mom, but I'm usually glad when it's over. Sure, my birthday used to be my favorite holiday, but after my dad's accident, it became another reminder that he's not here anymore. And there's something kind of lame about waking up to find only one other person in the house who is happy you were born. I guess it could be worse. At least I don't have to wake up in a house where someone actually wishes I had never been born at all. Maybe that's how Stef feels with her mom. Great, now my guilt has multiplied and I can't breathe again.

After Spanish, my day continues on its sucky downward spiral toward hell. Stef's niceness makes me feel incredibly guilty, and my best friend ignores me when I see her in the burrito line at lunch and before her practice in the gym. And because I mess up twice during our inbound play, Coach makes me run four extra sets of lines after practice.

While on my first set, the girls' varsity team starts coming in from the other gym. I see Jenn and Tai and nod my head to say hi. Then in walks Keeta. The second I see her, I'm reminded of why today is still the best day of my life.

As I run, I replay our morning kiss in my mind and I wonder if she's thought about it all day, too.

After I'm done running, I gather my stuff and head toward the locker room. I try not to, but I can't stop myself from looking over my shoulder. I guess I want to see if what happened before school today was real and if it meant anything to her.

The wink she sneaks to me tells me everything I need to know.

The next morning when Jenn picks me up for school, she hardly waits for me to get in before she throws the car into drive, causing my head to slam against the headrest. “I warned you, Abbey,” she growls.

She doesn't have to explain what she means. She did warn me, and I should have listened. But it's taking me a long time to figure out that everyone's getting slammed by my lies. My mom, Kate, even Jenn, and soon enough, I figure Stef is going to feel it, too. “I'm sorry, Jenn. I know I should've told Kate. I was just too afraid.”

Jenn stops hard at a yellow light and looks over at me. “So you flat-out lied to her?”

“I know.”

“I told you to tell her before it was too late.”

A telephone pole stabbed with a million rusty staples stands on the corner. I wish I could trade places with it. “I know,” I say again.

“That's all you're going to say? You know?”

“No. I mean, how did she find out?”

“I told you she would, Abbey. I just can't believe it was with Keeta. I hope you plan on telling Stef yourself.”

“I will.” I want to cry because I feel like scum. No, I'm worse than scum. I'm what scum eats for breakfast.

Jenn blasts her horn at the car in front of us for not turning when they had the chance.

I'm scared for my life and hope we get to Gila in one piece.

“It was Jake,” she says as we turn left onto Speedway.

“What? How? Why? When?”

“Calm down and listen. Kate went looking for you yesterday before school started. She didn't see you in the music room, so she asked Jake where you were. He told her he saw you and Keeta walking toward the side of the building.”

“Why was she looking for me?”

Jenn changes lanes, cutting off an old lady in a giant Cadillac. “I don't know. You'll have to ask her. Anyway, she said she saw you two holding hands.”

“Is that all she saw?” My first-kiss memory is now tarnished by the image of Kate glaring at me with disgust from behind her Gucci sunglasses.

“God, Abbey, you're walking a thin line,” Jenn says and turns up the stereo, so we ride in an earsplitting silence the rest of the way to Gila.

*

When I enter the music room, I don't see Keeta, so I sneak behind the curtain to see if she's there. I find her prepping the chalkboard for the day's lesson.

She turns toward me as soon as I appear and wipes her chalked hands on a rag.
“Buenos días, Amara.”

“Hi.” It feels so good to be near her again. Maybe my mom is right. I am addicted to a drug, and her name is Keeta.

“Dichosos los ojos que te están viendo.”
She reaches out and pushes some stray strands of my hair behind my ear.

“Thanks.” Even though she just told me it's good to see me, I still feel miserable.

“Hey, what's wrong?”

“It's my best friend,” I say. “She saw us, um, yesterday.”

“Chale,”
Keeta says then turns back to finish writing the notes on the chalkboard. “What did she say?”

“Nothing, really.” I don't want to tell Keeta that Kate confirmed what a liar I am. That doesn't seem like a good way to begin our relationship. “But now she knows about me, about us, or whatever. I don't know. Everything's messed up. And then there's Stef. What if she finds out? I'll feel even worse, and I'm pretty sure she's going to kick my ass.”

“You didn't seem to feel too terrible yesterday,” Keeta says with a tone that slithers out of her mouth like a snake.

“I know, but now…” I reach out to touch her shoulder.

But she shrugs off my hand. “Abbey, I get it. You can't be with me. People will find out and talk. You were just confused before and now you see that it was all a phase. I'm fine with it. Really.”

“What?” I massage my forehead. “I was just going to tell you that I have to try and figure out how to fix things with Kate, that's all.”

She keeps her back to me and says nothing.

“Come on, Keeta. I've been crushing on you since that day you blew a straw wrapper at me,” I say, telling more truth than I've told anyone in a long time.

She finally turns to face me again. “
No manches
. Really?”

“Actually, I have pretty much been crushing on you since second grade, and I'm not about to give you up already.”

“Since second grade? That's so cute.” She takes my hand, pulls me over to her, and lays a long kiss on my lonely lips.

I'm in that faraway galaxy again, floating away with her in my arms. I even forget about Kate and Stef for a moment.

Then she pulls away. “You do what you need to do. But, Amara, it'll all work out,” Keeta says, sensing my worry. “You'll see. You worry too much about everything,
chula
.”

Keeta calling me cute makes me feel a little better. “Yeah, I know.” She gives me another kiss, which makes me feel all the way better. Then I slip through the curtains to take my seat before the boys arrive.

But today, instead of spending my time in class messing up on purpose so Keeta can have an excuse to lean over me and breathe on my neck, I spend my time thinking about what I'm going to say to Kate.

*

After guitar, I race over to the PE locker room to make sure Kate isn't already changing in one of the bathroom stalls. They're clear, so I wait by her locker so I don't miss her.

A minute later, she turns down the row, sees me, and scrunches up her face in an ugly way. “What do you want?” she asks, spinning in her combination.

“Kate, please hear me out. I know you saw me and…” I can't say Keeta's name. “Anyway, let me explain why I didn't tell you before. Please.”

“Whatever.”

I don't know if that's a yes or no, so I start my practiced apology, “Okay, so, umm, here's the thing—”

“Why should I believe anything you say?”

She has a good point, so I tell her so. “Kate, you're totally right and I am so, so, so, so sorry.”

Other girls start to arrive in the locker room and begin to stare and whisper about us. At least, that's how it feels to me and Kate.

“Can we talk later?” Kate says, glancing over at Diana and Monica, two girls we have always hated, who are obviously trying to listen in.