Friendship on Fire (41 page)

I smiled uncomfortably. Nate had been drinking since around four this afternoon and my patience for his jokes had started to wear thin by the time his big beach bash began. He reached out for me.

‘Babe, come with me. There's something I want to show you. It's over there.'

His hand waved in the general direction of the water. There were some bushes lying lower in the sand dune; niches of semi-privacy, I guessed. My mind raced. He was drunk. Whatever he wanted, I was pretty sure I wouldn't give it to him in this state.

And yet, I let him lead me through crowds of teenagers drinking by the over-sized bonfire. Frequent trips over intertwined couples in the sand were commonplace. The more Nate laughed, the more quickly I wanted him to sober up and regain some control.

‘How much further is it?' I asked meekly.

‘Not far. I can carry you if you want, but we might end up in the sand with them if I try.' He pointed to a couple leaning against a small bush in the sand dune. She appeared as though she'd fallen on him, the way her skirt was twisted around his legs, the way he was holding her hips. The couples completely ignored everything around them. I was at a loss to understand how this place, this public grog-fest, could be an aphrodisiac that boasted concentrated, quality attention for both people. It wasn't as if I didn't know what went on at parties; on the contrary, that was my entire point. Everyone knows what goes on at parties; therefore everyone knows what everyone else is up to at parties. Besides the fact that they can voyeur it for themselves, kids have social radars that are wired to pick up on sexual frequencies.

I did not want an audience.

Eyes pleading. ‘Nate, can we go back please?'

Frown. ‘Why? I thought you might like it out of the centre of the party?'

Negotiate. ‘I have people there I still want to see. We've barely arrived.' Lie.

Compromise. ‘Well when we're done hanging out here, we can go back and I'll help you find everyone you want to see. Deal?'

No.

Uncertain. ‘Nate, come on. It's heaps colder here away from the fire.'

Blind. Nate slung his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him. ‘See the soft bed of branches over here? That's for us.' He kissed me then, long and fierce, his hands crawling up my back and pulling me closer to him. Because this was so new to me, I didn't want to question any of it, challenge it, or stop it for any reason.

I let him pull me on to the ground, tried not to squirm beside him as his hand slid up my thigh. His usually sweet breath was now nearly intolerable, but I desperately didn't want to offend him. No, I would wait and see what he wanted first. As if I didn't already know.

‘I … I can't do this here. Not now,' I stuttered, trying to catch his eye so he could see I was serious.

‘It's fine, we've got all the time in the world,' he whispered, prying unsuccessfully at the buttons on my jeans. I put my hand over his.

‘Sorry, I'm going.' Getting up slowly, I brushed the sand off me and started to walk back to the bonfire.

‘Daisy, don't be so frigid,' Nate called out to me. I flinched, but kept walking.

I began my search for Shana or Sarah; I needed serious advice.

It was nearly impossible to see anyone unless they were in the bonfire's light. Even then most people I could only see half their faces.

I found Shana sitting cross-legged off to the left side of the candlelit footpath. She was spacing out, staring at the stars, managing to ignore the scene around her. She looked unsurprised as I relayed my situation to her.

‘You have two choices,' she said, holding up both hands with the peace sign on each. ‘Either tell him where to stick it, or wait a while until he sobers up and explain how you feel. You'll need to talk to him either way, so choose what he needs to hear most.'

‘You're right,' I said, hugging her around the shoulders in appreciation. ‘I'll wait an hour or so, then find him and tell him and everything will be good again. You're the best.'

‘I know,' she breathed, smiling and leaning back on to the dune again. ‘Where's James?'

I was eager to find Nate after an hour of chatting to mindless drunks. I had been offered everything under the sun physically by many guys who walked past me, taken or not. I was beginning to feel like this was just a mass orgy and I was the only one who didn't want to partake in it. I had my speech ready in my head and felt confident that knowing how Nate and I worked by now, we would work things out like we had done in the past. We were fine without drinking, we were fine without parties. If he wanted what I thought he wanted, we could go home to my place or his for it; it didn't have to be out here. So I would leave him with that option.

Another hour went by. I couldn't find Nate anywhere. Surely he hadn't left without me; that was unlike him. No one I asked had seen him in the last hour or could tell me where his friends might be hanging out. I began to wonder if Nate's friends knew about Nate's sand dune trip with me. Had he boasted about it to them? What did they think of me now?

The party had branched out from the little dip in the big sand dune, down the slopes towards the water. Couples filed away in dribs and drabs to find a piece of privacy.

With a smirk I guessed where he might be. Chances were, Nate didn't bother getting up after I left and was passed out on the ‘bed' of leaves. He'd be lucky if I found him; I would make sure he got home and was safe. No one else would know where to look.

I started making my way back down the dune towards the crashing waves. The wind had picked up; it lapped at my hair and loose clothing. Was it past midnight yet? Stifling a yawn, I rounded a section of small bushes and heard hushed voices. Curious though I was, I didn't stop to listen to them and nearly stumbled over their bodies.

Their
,
being the operative word.

A boy and a girl. Him lying on top of her. Head in her neck. Shirt half way up his back, her skirt hitched around her waist.

Nate.

And Rachael.

Together.

In that moment it was like I became deaf. It hit me hard and fast with such force that I literally couldn't hear anymore. My voice followed; I could see their lips moving, but I couldn't answer them if I wanted to. My vision blurred at the shock of the scene before me.

Legs aching, I turned and broke into a run. Not far away, Skye stood smiling at me with the crew from Addison Grammar. They turned to watch me in slow motion, smug indifference in their eyes, their lips slightly curled at the edges. So they knew.

Adrenalin like I've never felt poured itself into my pumping veins. I bolted.

Tears streaming down my cheeks, I pushed through the crowded paths along the sand dunes, praying I would be free from the burning shame and searching eyes of partygoers. My heart had come to a complete thudded halt halfway up my throat and I found it hard to breathe through the unbearably heavy agony.

What I had seen kept replaying itself in my vision, further blurring my urgent path out of hell. The look on Rachael's face as Nate rolled off her, the smugness in Skye's eyes, the guilt pouring out from Nate's hunched shoulders, all swam around my head like a sick merry-go-round.

Where I was going, I didn't know. Anywhere from here. The first car I saw I would hail and beg them to take me far away from this moment, no matter who they were.

It seemed like a lifetime went by while I was running. I vaguely remember hearing someone call my name from a distance behind me.

I was nearly there. It was almost impossible to move quickly up the last part of the large sand dune before I hit the car park.

Streams of unfamiliar, well-dressed teenagers joining the party were swaying with cans of alcohol. They almost overtook me in my swim upstream.

I didn't bother to make eye contact. A few of the boys, clearly drunk, tried to grab me by the arm and pull me off the path, lust in their eyes and slurred compliments on their lips, but I slapped their hands away and pushed past them. Their filthy, rejected retaliations rolled off my back easily compared to what I'd just witnessed.

I tried so hard to ignore it, but a small voice inside my head whispered,
I told you so,
amongst the chaos of my thumping heart, and it only made the tears fall harder.

My breathing reached a place I'd never entered. Not only could I not take in enough air, I also couldn't send it deep enough into my diaphragm to make it count. I was having a panic attack.

Breathe,
I willed my broken body
. Breathe properly.

I couldn't. It hurt too much to exist, let alone breathe. I clambered on, wishing I could faint and forget what this felt like.

Nearly at the top of the sand dune, I looked up and saw those eyes. Forever kind, aware, searching and fearless.

Safe.

They were my guiding light, my only familiarity in the swirling turmoil that was me.

I picked up speed, acknowledging I was nearly at the end, racing towards the now concerned pair of eyes, having seen the state I was in.

The pure love I had felt for Nate was being squeezed out of my heart, one beat at a time; let loose as venom in my veins. It was twisted with betrayal.

I should have known all along. The signs of value clashes were there. My own guilt for not protecting myself better rose equally as ferocious and I pushed that down, also.

I focused on the eyes until I stood right in front of them; now willing to admit they were the right ones for me. How I wished I could go back and change the past and accept the love that has been patiently offered to me for years.

Was it too late? Was now the wrong time?

Of course it was.

Still, I wasn't to be moved.

‘Daisy, what's wrong?' Roman asked, hands reaching out for me.

Completely bypassing his question, I lunged toward his face with both hands and pulled his mouth down to mine. His neck, rigid at first with surprise, bent to my will.

Fire burnt my lips as previously unshown passion and desire enveloped them. Mixed with grief and new understanding, my kiss said everything to Roman I needed him to hear.

He kissed me back, just as passionately. For a moment my heart lifted; the wrongs of this night had a tiny glimmer of hope, an end. It wouldn't be as hard now, because I had Roman.

hat is, until my world was fittingly brought down another notch.

Roman gently released himself from my grasp and pushed me away. Looking completely stunned and confused, he scratched the back of his head and opened his mouth, but unable to speak.

I tried to launch into an explanation, figuring I owed it to him to explain my changed feelings.

‘Roman, it was Nate, and Rachael, they were …' I stopped, clutching my stomach to contain the pain and catching my breath. ‘I saw them and you were always …'

I couldn't finish my sentence for two reasons. The first is that I realised the two events couldn't co-exist. Nate cheating, me realising Roman was always better for me. In my head, it seemed logical, but to Roman, it would seem like he was second choice, which he wasn't. I was just slow to realise that.

Second, he reached to his right side and put his arm around a person who was standing patiently watching the whole episode, with arms folded and eyes accusing.

Who was
she
?

Ungracefully, I gasped and looked at him while my head continued to swim delightfully with dizziness.

‘Daisy, this is Anya, my girlfriend,' he said slowly, as my body hurled into preparation for flight once more. ‘I was going to tell you tonight, I promise.'

The Scandinavian looking girl was curiously older than me and was staring at me, hands on hips, uncertainty fresh in her eyes.

I nodded at the ground, ignoring her body language.

‘Pleased to meet you. I …'

Roman rambled on. ‘Daisy has been my best friend for six years now and…'

That was it.
Friend. Best friend.

So I was wrong about that, too.