From Comfortable Distances (42 page)

Tess thought she heard footsteps in
the hall of Best Reality and froze. Who would be coming in to the office at
7:15 am on a Saturday morning? Since Yoga Teacher Training had kicked in, she
hadn’t been to the office on a weekend. Would it be Michael? Not this early.
She waited, holding her breath. Maybe it was just the cleaning service.
Silence. She moved back into the hall and saw the cleaning lady putting away
her cart in the hall closet. She let out her breath, closed her office door,
and sat back down, opening her email.

In the email she had sent
to the guest master of the Benedictine Monastery in Morristown, New Jersey, she
had inquired if she could come in to talk as she was writing a novel about a
monk. When he had told her that there was no one who could sit down with her,
that they were all very busy working and carrying out their responsibilities,
he offered that she email him her questions and that he’d do his best to
provide her with some information.

She scrolled down her
email inbox. There it was—she clicked it open.

Ms. Rose:

In our experience, once a
monk takes leave, he usually does not return to a monastic setting. Most who
take leave eventually ask their Abbot to put through a dispensation request.
Once officially dispensed, it is not easy to return. One would need to start
over as a novitiate before professing vows.

Perhaps what may be most
beneficial for you is to visit the monastery, take a look around and attend
some of our services. We welcome day visitors and also offer weekend retreat
stays, which must of course be booked well in advance as our guest quarters are
limited and seem to be in high demand throughout the year. You may find our
address and hours of visitation on our web site and if you wish to schedule a
weekend retreat stay, please get back to me with some possible dates and we will
see about a reservation.

Kindly,

Brother Nick

Tess read the letter
again and then a third time. She didn’t know if she was horrified or charmed
that the Brother functioned as a travel agent. She clicked on the monastery
website link and looked at their address. She supposed it was about an hour and
a half drive from Brooklyn, give or take. Weekday morning prayers were at 6:30
am. She would be able to drive out there and back before work. Why not go?
Wasn’t this what she wanted—a chance to see what Neal’s life was all about?

Sunlight penetrated the
yoga studio so that the floor glistened like wet pavement. Dale was lying on
her back towards the stage beside Kim, each with a roll pillow under their
knees. Tess grabbed a pillow and a blanket from the bin and joined them.

“Déjà vu,” Tess said.

“They should let us sleep
here,” Dale said. “I feel like I live here. Or maybe that’s just me and my
boring life.”

“If they let us sleep
here, they would probably charge us a fortune. Nothing comes cheap with yoga,”
Kim said.

“It’s nice to talk
without them telling us to quiet down,” Tess said.

“The benefits of being
early,” Dale said.

“Ahhh,” Tess said, as she
lay back. “Who knew the floor could be so relaxing?”

“Can you believe we have
less than two more months of this?” Dale said.

“I can’t remember my life
before this program. What did I do? “Kim asked.

“Come on, you love it and
are having the time of your life,” Dale said. “Where else would you rather be
at 8:30 am on a Saturday morning after spending 6-10 pm here Friday night?”

“To be young,” Tess said.

“And what does that mean?”
Kim said.

“I actually like being
here, so I’m attributing that to my old age. Where else would I be? I don’t
have children to tend to and surely no one needs a realtor on a Friday night or
first thing on a Saturday morning.”

“Oh, well I have tons
going on,” Dale said. “I have to pull myself away from all the activity to get
here.”

“What’s the Kyle update?”
Tess asked. She held her legs up over her head, alternating flexing her feet
and pointing them. Watching them move, they didn’t seem to be a part of her
body.

“I told him that I needed
to focus on the yoga exams for the next few weeks,” Dale said. “I know, I’m
being a jerk. I need to either let him go or try to make it work. It’s just that
I seem to change my mind every day. If you don’t feel like listening to me talk
about him, no problem, just tell me to shut up. I know I must sound like a nut.”

“Time is okay,” Tess
said.

“He told me he’s
resurrected his house search,” Dale said.

“Greetings girls,” Sara
said. She plopped down next to Tess. “What a gorgeous day it is.”

“I think I liked you
better when you were a grouchy and going through a divorce,” Kim said. “Your
peppiness depresses me.”

“Well, the grouch is gone
and the good times are ahead! Four days of being single and I’m loving it,”
Sara said. “I’m ready to become an anatomy expert today,” she added.

“Are we having another
anatomy lecture?” Dale asked. She sat up.

“That’s what they said
last night,” Tess said.

“I must have been dozing
off when they said that,” Dale said.

“By the way, we need to
get started on our study group in the next week or so,” Kim said. “Did you take
a look at how much we need to know for the comprehensive exam? I heard from the
mentors this week that it’s going to take between three to four hours. I
haven’t taken a test in over ten years.”

“Three to four hours for
an exam?” Dale said. “Are we in graduate school?”

“I’m more worried about
the practical exam,” Kim said. “We have to teach a class for 30 minutes and we
won’t know until it’s our turn whether we’re going to be asked to teach a
beginner class or an advanced class.”

“Remind me why I signed
up for this?” Dale said.

“We have two months to
get ready girls. We’ll be fine,” Tess said.

“She’s right. Two months
is a long time. And, if we fail? Who cares?” Sara said. “It’s not the
destination, it’s the journey that counts. Right?”

“I don’t want to fail the
yoga test,” Kim said. “Not after all these months. I think I’d have a nervous
breakdown.”

“Not like you’re on the
verge of one anyway,” Dale said. She laughed. “Of course I’m right there beside
you. Wasn’t this program supposed to enhance our lives? Is it my imagination or
are we all falling apart?”

The mentors walked into
the room—Tess heard them laughing amongst themselves and sat up. The room had
begun to fill up. She smiled at some of the girls across the room as they
sipped their coffee, and then at the older couple, each of whom had lost over
twenty pounds since the program began. She liked being part of this group.
Liked this new family where nothing else in her life seemed to matter except
for yoga and simple gossip. She would miss seeing these people each weekend;
she would miss this camaraderie, this journey. She tried to absorb the
sentiment, as she was sure to forget her joy at being here by the time it
turned 6:00 pm that evening and they were still learning about flexion and quadriceps
releases and contraindications of doing poses.

In the glare of the
streetlights, Tess spotted Lyla’s car parked across from her house. The car
lights were off, and she paused as she made a wide turn onto her driveway,
trying to see who was in the car. She believed that she saw Lyla and Neal
beside her in the passenger seat. 10:00 pm. She was too tired to entertain
anyone, too tired to try to make sense of Lyla and Neal’s evening powwow in
front of her home. Her dinner out with the group after the morning lecture and
afternoon yoga class and practice spotting session had exhausted her. She tried
to remain calm, to keep her shoulders from tensing. Sometimes, like now, it was
hard for her to remember why she was putting up with this all. If she wanted a
relationship, weren’t there plenty of single middle aged men to choose from who
were not discerning monastic vows and living with controlling mothers.

Please don’t let them
want to come in and talk, she thought as she gathered her sweater and shawl
from the front seat and left her yoga mat and bag in the car—she’d be heading
back to the studio at 8:00 am the next day.

The moment she slammed
her car door shut, Neal emerged from Lyla’s car. Lyla made a sharp U-turn and
disappeared down Dakota Place. Neal caught up with Tess and walked beside her
up the driveway to the porch.

“Hello, Neal,” she said.
He had on his navy anorak, white polo, and tan chinos. It had become his
uniform as the fall weather set in.

“Hello, Tess,” Neal said.

 “Out for a ride with
your mom?” Tess asked. She stifled a yawn. She vaguely recalled being in her
office that morning at the crack of dawn and reading the note from the
guest-keeper monk. Was that really today?  Sleep. She needed sleep, not
complications, right now.

“Yes,” Neal said. “Actually,
we were waiting for you to get home.”

“Shall we sit on the
porch?” Tess said. “I’ve been cooped indoors all day.”

Tess draped her shawl on
the bricks and Neal sat down beside her on the top step. Above there was a
multitude of stars. Tess leaned back a bit and rubbed shoulders with Neal. She
felt his body stiffen—unusual, she thought—and she sat up taller, careful so
that her body was clear of his. 

 “Get any writing done
today?” she said, and once she said it, she wasn’t sure what compartment of her
brain it had come from. What she really wanted to ask was how much longer are
you going to keep everyone in limbo?

His eyes were on the sky,
so that she looked up. She searched for her star. It was no use, though. Right
now, they all looked alike.

“Some,” Neal said.

There was a noise in the
street, a louder than necessary uh hum, as if someone was trying to get her
attention and sure enough, there was Michael, in black running shorts and a
matching top running by her house. He was in the street versus on the sidewalk.

He waved his hand and
called out “beautiful night,” as he passed by.

Tess wasn’t sure if Neal
recognized Michael in the dark, but she didn’t point out to him who it was. Was
this Michael’s idea of competition? To outshine Neal as a runner? He actually
had looked pretty fit coasting by. Which is what she was sure he wanted her to
notice. Her life had become ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. She sighed so that
Neal glanced over at her.

“Fall is approaching,”
Neal said. “This time of year it’s already getting cold and crisp in Muenster.
We work hard to get all the farming done before the frost sets in.”

We
. Neal and his brothers.

“The college students
must be settling in to their classes, too. There was generally a lot of
excitement around the campus in September.”

He was smiling so that
the creases on his face softened and she felt it—that urge to protect him. To
forgive him for anything and everything that he did, to remember that it wasn’t
about her. Things Neal said and did were not about her. He was trying to find
his way just like anyone else.

“You would like Muenster
in the fall,” he said. “The way the stars take over the night sky. All the
constellations right there up above.”

“I’m afraid I wouldn’t
know any of them even if I saw them,” Tess said.

“I’d teach you,” Neal
said.

She felt his body beside
her loosen, his shoulders close to hers, relax. She wished that she could see
through his eyes at that moment, to know what he was feeling—what thoughts he
wasn’t saying out loud. If he had made up his mind to go back, she wanted him
to feel comfortable telling her. Or maybe his mind didn’t work that way. Maybe
he only lived in the moment he was in and wasn’t worried about what was to be
tomorrow or the next day. Maybe he would just know his next move when he knew
it and then act on it. And yet, it had taken him months of discerning his
initial choice to leave the monastery before he acted on it. A sense of unease
gripped her and almost as quickly as it did, she let it go. She was not going
to live in fear. Whatever was supposed to be, would be.

“My mother used to host
new moon ceremonies in our backyard during the fall and winter. Everyone would
gather and set up blankets and sleeping bags in our yard and when the sky grew
dark, my mother asked everyone to write whatever it is that they wished to free
themselves of on a slip of paper. One by one they’d walk up to the fire and
toss the slip of paper into it. I always wrote
Woodstock
on my slip of
paper and watched the fire eat it up, but year after year, I was still in
Woodstock, so I suppose that I didn’t believe in the ceremony.”

Neal was staring straight
ahead and she followed his gaze. The sky over Jamaica Bay gleamed black, so
that it seemed as though she was looking into the water.

“I spent so many years of
my life wishing I was somewhere else. I had so much to be grateful for in
Woodstock,” Tess said. “Of course I had to leave there to figure that out. A
person can waste a whole lifetime searching for things without seeing what is.”