Future Queens of England (27 page)

Tony remained firmly seated on his cushion.  “I'm alright here, actually.”

“Oh so modest,” Ben simpered with a flick of his wrist. “Seriously, Tony, please stand up and come to the front. I'm not a religious man, but I think I've witnessed a miracle.”

Reluctantly Tony rose to his feet, kicked back his cushion and walked to the front of the class.

“So, let's take a look at our man. Nobody is to speak, just look on in awe.”  He stepped back to the side of the class and faced Tony.

The whole class stared at Tony as he stood uncomfortably in the spotlight.

Ben turned to face the class with one arm outstretched towards Tony and started to speak respectfully.  “Now, isn't that a work of art. Somebody take a photo and hang it on the wall.” His eyes moved from Tony and onto the class. “Uwe, Gareth. Please stand up and take a bow. Oh, and you too, Hugh.”

The class applauded as the three of them stood up and took a bow.  Hugh basked in the glow while Uwe held back a smile that fought to make an appearance on his face.

Gareth made his way over to Tony.  “We can't take all the credit here, Ben.”

Uwe frowned and his eyes made daggers at Gareth.

“Tony deserves most of the credit.  He jumped at the chance for this makeover and let the three of us give him a complete overhaul.”  He reached out and shook Tony's hand as firmly as he could.

Now it was Tony's turn to frown.  “Well, I wouldn't go that far,” he protested.

“Oh, don't be so humble; be proud of the new you,” Gareth said warmly, patting him on the back with his other hand.

The class whooped and whistled at Tony; eventually he grinned and gestured for Hugh and Uwe to join him and Gareth. He clasped his hands together and raised them above his shoulder in victory, mocking himself.

“Okay, you all get an 'A' for that. I could not have asked for more,” Ben said proudly. “Now please return to your cushions.”

As Tony walked past Ben, Ben reached out and stopped him.

“Is that eye shadow you're wearing? How on earth did anyone convince you to wear that?” Ben said, trying to get a good look at Tony's eye.

“No, it's not eye shadow!” Tony protested. “It's a bloody bruise, that's all.”

Ben tilted his head to one side and waited for Tony to provide an explanation.

“It's a long story and it's not very interesting. Can we move on?”

Ben looked a little disappointed at missing out on this titbit of gossip.  “Whatever you desire, Tony,” he said with a sigh.  “Go on, take your seat.”

They all settled back down onto their soft cushions and chatted about their grades.  Ben decided to let them have a few moments before he started the day's lecture.  He walked over to his desk and took a small sip from a bottle of water. Then he took some of his notes from his desk and read through them quietly. Ben half listened to the students and noticed that they had stopped talking about grades and were now talking about their plans for the weekend, so he placed his notes on his desk and turned around to face them once again.

“Right!  Settle down,” he shouted over the racket.  “Today you're going to learn about Fag Haggery.”

An excited murmur rippled across the class and Ben smiled.  “So what is Fag Haggery?” he asked rhetorically. “Well, as I told you at the beginning of the year, Fag Haggery is the capture and subsequent keeping of a fag hag.”

Tony raised his hand.  “Sorry, I just don't get it. What exactly is a fag hag?” he asked with a look of confusion.

“Sorry Tony, you look so much like one of us now that I completely forgot to explain,” Ben said apologetically.  “A fag hag is a girl or woman – I am never sure of the most politically correct way to refer to them these days – who acts as a companion to you. Cast your mind back, if you will, to the beginning of term when I delivered my fabulous and truly unforgettable introductory session. You may recall that I informed you that you will be taught how to intelligently select a female companion.”

The class nodded, except for Tony, who raised his hand again.  “I still don't get it. You lot are gay, right?”

“He's learning,” Ben said with a wink.

Tony ignored this and carried on.  “But you want a girl to hang around with, right?” he said requesting confirmation.

“Yes, right again, Tony,” Ben said, nodding.

Tony's facial expression changed to puzzlement as he tried to make sense of this. He rubbed his forehead with his thumb and index finger.  “So you look for a girl that you like and make friends with her on a purely platonic basis?”

Ben clapped his hands together in delight.  “He's got it. What a wonderful teacher I am.”

It was Hugh's turn to raise his hand now.  “But what do you
do
with them exactly once you select one?” Hugh asked.

Ben listened carefully and waited politely for Hugh to finish.  “Well, they will accompany you when you go shopping and help you choose your outfit. Or you can take them to a club with you and they'll watch your drinks while you dance or visit the little boy’s room. They'll even help you decide who's worth pulling and who isn't, without the worry of them trying to cop off with your potential target.”

“Okay,” Hugh said. “That makes sense. They sound handy.  I think I'd like one.”

Tony scratched his head.  “You know what? I still don't get it.”

“It's just a female companion for you to hang out with,” Ben said, wondering how Tony still didn't get it.

“A female companion,” Tony said out loud as he considered it further, “and you call these birds 'fag hags'.”

“Yes,” Ben replied simply.

“Do you know what I'd do if I had a fag hag?” Tony shouted out.

Ben pondered this question for a moment, trying to decide whether he should answer.

“I'll tell you anyway. I'd fuck her, if I had one,” Tony announced, not waiting for an answer.  “I'd bang her into next week.”

“Tony, Tony, Tony,” Ben said.  “Can you not calm that throbbing libido for the sake of us all?”

“Hey, I can't fight a billion years of evolution now, can I?” Tony said matter-of-factly as if it excused his behaviour.  “I'd bone her every which way but loose.”

“Urgh, please shut up,” Uwe said, trying not to gag.  “The mental image of heterosexual intercourse is enough to make me bring my breakfast up.”  He raised his hand to his mouth as if to stop himself from vomiting.

Tony laughed at Uwe's reaction.  “Bang! Bang! Bang!” he shouted over and over again at Uwe while repeatedly thrusting his hips.

“Oh somebody please shut him up, it's making my stomach turn,” shouted Bruce.  “Heterosexual sex is so unnatural!”

Ben clapped his hands together again in an attempt to regain control of the situation.  “Come on now, focus everybody. Keep the heterophobia to a minimum please. Let's get back on track.”

The class’s attention went back to Ben once more, but the look of disgust remained on their faces.

“Look, Tony,” Ben said with exasperation, “it's a bit like owning a dog, Tony.  Okay?  Is that something that you can understand?”

“Ah, I see, it's starting to make sense now,” Tony said with a smile.

“And you wouldn't want to sleep with a dog now, would you Tony?” Ben said, trying to bring this avenue of discussion to an end.

Tony grinned.  “Well, never say never, Ben.  I've shagged some real hounds in my time, if you know what I mean.”  He slapped his legs and laughed raucously.

The class looked away as Tony made a series of rude gestures with his arms.

“And I boned a few pigs too, as well,” he added before making high-pitched noises like a distressed pig. “Squeal piggy, squeal!” he said through his laughter.

“Right, that's enough, Tony,” Ben said seriously, waving his finger at Tony.  “Give it a rest now. You're making everyone feel sick.”

Tony's face darkened for a moment before Gareth's hand reached over and touched his shoulder.  “Relax Tony, relax,” he said calmly, “don't lose your cool.”

Tony concentrated on his breathing and slowly the scowl left his face and he nodded begrudgingly to let Gareth know he had control.

“Go on, Ben, please continue,” Gareth said in a soothing voice.

Ben eyed Tony warily.  “Yes. Well, where was I?” he said to himself.  “Ah yes, I remember. I was telling you about Fag Haggery.”

The mood lightened in the room again and Ben started to get into his stride once more.

“As I was saying, every fag needs a hag,” he declared.  “As I said before, what is a fag without a hag?  Remember earlier in the year I asked you to ponder the following: What was Batman without Robin?” He left a pause to allow the class to contemplate this for a moment before continuing. “What was Dorothy without Toto?  And what was Tripitaka without Monkey?  You’re going to need to get yourself a fag hag and it is my job to teach you how to select the right one for you.  I’ll show you where to find one.”  His pace quickened as he explained, “Don’t just pick the first fat girl that you find crying on the stairs at a party, you’ll need to choose carefully … be selective,” Ben warned as he wagged his finger at the class.  “A fag hag is for life, not just for Christmas,” he added in a serious tone.  “Most importantly, I will teach you what to do with them once you get one and how to handle them.”

Uwe’s hand shot up into the air.

“Yes?” Ben said, pointing at Uwe.  “You have a question?”

“I do,” Uwe stated.  “What do you mean when you say how to handle them?”

“Ah,” Ben nodded sagely, “I’ll tell you what I mean.  Fag hags are like Mogwai; you must follow a certain set of strict rules if you want to have one.  Listen carefully.”

The class leaned forward to listen as Ben spoke in a secretive manner.  “Rule number one:  Don’t feed them alcohol after midnight or get them wet, otherwise they will try and have sex with you.

The assembled listeners gasped in horror.

“The forbidden love,” Gareth whispered.

“The love that dare not speak its name,” Ben said in a serious tone.

“Fag shaggery,” whimpered Bruce.

“Yeah.  What sort of sick, twisted pervert would sleep with a woman?” Hugh said out loud so everyone heard him.

Tony's face was like thunder.  “I can't believe that I am hearing this.”

Ben coughed, remembering where he was.  “Sorry Tony, please accept our apologies.  It just seems a little ...” he stumbled for the right words, “... wrong, I suppose.”

“Maybe to you it does. But it's completely right to me,” Tony replied.  “In fact, if any of your fag hags need a good seeing to, then you just call on your old mate Tony. I'll sort them out.”

“Thank you Tony, we'll bear that in mind,” Ben said.  “As I was saying, there are rules to keeping your fag hags.  Like getting them drunk at the end of the night; that's when they are at their most vulnerable and will potentially try and sleep with you.  Or worse,” he added ominously.

“What could be worse?” Uwe asked in disbelief.

“They will try and upstage you!”

The class shrieked at Ben in horror.

“They will try and make you their accessory,” his intonation heavy on the word ‘their’.  “But they must never be allowed to forget that they are the fag hag.  The clue is in their title,” he said seriously.  “You are not the hag’s fag,” he added forcefully, pacing up and down in front of them as he always did when
h
e wanted to deliver an important message.  “You are not there for them to fall back on after midnight when none of the hetties have pulled them.”  He stared several of his pupils directly in the eye as he delivered his homily and they withered under his gaze.  “Take heed now from my words.”  Then suddenly he paused.  The room fell silent as Ben stood alone, apparently reflecting on a painful memory.

“Ben,” Gareth said, “are you okay?”

Ben pursed his lips and nodded silently, taking a moment to hold back his emotions.  The class stared empathetically back at Ben.  He sniffed, and stared at the ceiling.  He walked slowly over to his desk, using this time to regain his composure and took a sip of water.  “Okay, carrying on from my original point before that slight digression.  Can anyone tell me the most obvious thing about these duos, Batman and Robin, Dorothy and Toto, Tripitaka and Monkey?”  Ben asked the class.