Gail Whitiker (21 page)

Unfortunately, the situation with Laurence was not the only bleak spot in Joanna’s life. While she had been shut away in the dark cocoon of her room, her father and aunt had been having conversations and the results, made known to her over breakfast that morning, had done nothing to raise her spirits.

She was not allowed to go to Egypt. It seemed that with the addition of Laurence to the expedition, the potential for scandal was simply too great. Her aunt had informed her that she had to consider Joanna’s reputation in light of the altered circumstances, and that unless she was
married
to Captain Sterne by the date the expedition set sail, she would not be allowed to go and there would be no more trips for her in the foreseeable future.

Was it any wonder there was no joy in her heart as she stood beside Mrs Gavin at the Barker-Howards’ musicale that evening?

‘You need to get out in the fresh air, Joanna,’ Mrs Gavin said. ‘You are looking decidedly pale and unbecomingly drawn.’

Dragged from the murkiness of her thoughts, Joanna managed a cynical smile. ‘Thank you, Aunt Florence. It is always nice to know that one looks as dreadful as one feels.’

‘I’m sorry, my dear, but you know I have always been one for speaking the truth, and if it is of any consolation, I do know what you are going through. I have suffered with megrims for most of my life and know how debilitating they can be. No doubt you inherited them from our side of the family.’

‘Yes, no doubt,’ Joanna said listlessly

Her aunt cast a worried glance in her direction, and then said after a sigh, ‘Lady Cynthia told me about the conversation the two of you had this morning, about your going to Egypt in the spring.’

‘You mean about my
not
going to Egypt,’ Joanna muttered, the knowledge twisting inside her like so many snakes.

‘Well, I cannot say I am all that surprised. You cannot expect her to be happy at the thought of her unmarried niece living under the same roof, so to speak, as two single gentlemen. I certainly wouldn’t allow Jane to do such a thing.’

‘Jane and I are entirely different people.’

‘On the contrary, you are both unmarried females in need of husbands,’ Mrs Gavin said. ‘The similarities need be no greater than that.’

‘I still don’t see what all the fuss is about,’ Joanna said. ‘It is not as though I would be alone with Captain Sterne or with Mr Bretton. Papa would be there the entire time.’

‘Yes, but men don’t look at these things the same way we do. Everyone knows how distracted your father gets when he is working. I dare say you could be having a torrid affair with
both
gentlemen and he wouldn’t even notice.’

‘Aunt Florence!’

‘Now, now, child, I’m not saying you would,’ her aunt said. ‘But there is a reason why chaperons are usually women. And you really must try to see the situation from your aunt’s point of view. It was bad enough when only Captain Sterne was going. He, at least, has an interest in archaeological explorations and a pre-established connection with your father. But Mr Bretton is a handsome and eligible bachelor who has made his interest in you plain, but who cannot be viewed as a potential husband because of who and what he is. It was only to be expected that when word of his accompanying you and your father got out, eyebrows would be raised.’

The knowledge that people were whispering about them did not make for welcome news, but Joanna knew better than to doubt it. Society lived for gossip—even the possibility of a scandal was music to its ears.

‘Still, I really do not see why you are so downcast,’ Mrs Gavin continued more briskly. ‘You have said all along that you are not interested in Mr Bretton, and if you marry Captain Sterne, you will be able to go on the expedition as his wife. Plus he has the wherewithal to pay off your father’s debts and, from what I understand, has expressed a willingness to do so. So why should you not marry him when doing so will take care of everyone’s problems?’

Because I don’t love him,
Joanna raged silently.
Because I cannot think of
any
man when I am still so desperately in love with Laurence—

‘Good evening, Lady Joanna, Mrs Gavin.’

The arrival of Captain Sterne did not come as a surprise. Joanna had noticed him talking to Mrs Barker-Howard shortly after her arrival, but had not sought him out, even though he had smiled warmly in her direction. She was not in the frame of mind to see him, especially when she knew how matters stood between them. ‘Captain Sterne.’

‘I was beginning to think you were avoiding me, Lady Joanna,’ the gentleman said. ‘You have not been at home the last three times I called.’

‘Only because there has been much to keep me occupied elsewhere,’ Joanna said, guiltily aware that on two of the three occasions, she had stayed upstairs in her room.

‘Indeed, but it is a pleasure to see you here at last.’

‘Well, I think I shall go and have a word with Mrs Taylor,’ Mrs Gavin said. ‘I am finding her to be quite delightful company. Your father would do well to spend some time with the lady.’

‘I hope you do not think to promote a match, Aunt,’ Joanna said. ‘You know how Papa feels about the subject.’

‘I do, but it will not hurt him to spend a little time in conversation with her. If he does not, he will forget the art altogether and end up a dried-up recluse with whom no one wishes to associate.’ Having made that dire prognostication, Mrs Gavin left them to seek out the lovely and very wealthy young widow.

‘I take it your father has no wish to remarry?’ Sterne commented.

‘He is resistant to the idea,’ Joanna said.

‘Then you cannot afford to be.’ His glance moved in her direction. ‘Have you given any more thought to what we talked about?’

Joanna’s lips compressed. She didn’t want to think about this right now, let alone to talk about it in a room filled with hundreds of people. ‘No, but neither am I in a hurry to marry.’

‘You should be.’ Sterne lifted the glass to his lips. ‘From what I hear, your father’s creditors are growing anxious and money lenders can become very unfriendly in such cases. The sooner you marry me, the sooner I can start taking care of things.’

‘Why me?’ Joanna asked in confusion. ‘Why marry someone as penniless as me? You could have your pick of any woman here. Any woman you desire.’

‘Yes, but I
desire
you,’ Sterne said, his eyes darkening as he stared down at her. ‘Does that come as such a surprise? You must know how beautiful you are.’

Joanna closed her eyes as the memory of Laurence’s words washed over her.

...I would tell you that you are, without question, the most beautiful and desirable woman I have ever known and that the thought of seeing you married to another man tears me apart...

Beautiful words, Joanna reflected sadly, but meaningless. Laurence’s feelings for her had not persuaded him to tell her the truth. She still didn’t know who he really was or why he had entered into the lie. And the acceptance of that truth made her realise that she no longer had a choice. Whatever she had once felt for Laurence must now be put aside. He had shown himself for who he really was. A man without conscience. One who could pretend to be someone else in order to give meaning to his life.

A man like that had no place in her heart...or in her future. Life was about practical matters, like marrying and setting up a home. It was about having children and watching them grow up, because now more than ever Joanna
needed
something to give meaning to her life.

A heart grew old and tired with nothing but memories to sustain it...

‘Lady Joanna?’

Sterne’s voice brought her back...and Joanna knew what she had to do. What answer she had to give him. But she couldn’t do it tonight. She needed time to come to terms with what her future was going to be—and the fact that Laurence was never going to play a part in it.

‘I will not give you an answer here, Captain Sterne,’ she said in a low voice. ‘But I will answer you before the week is out.’

‘Have I your word on that?’

‘Yes.’ She looked up at him, praying that, in time, she might find something about him to love. ‘But there is something I need to ask you first.’

‘Of course.’

‘
If
I were to agree to become your wife, would you allow me to travel to Egypt with you in the spring?’ Joanna asked. ‘And to continue allowing me to travel with my father on any expeditions he might undertake in the future?’

She saw a slight arching of one eyebrow. ‘Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself? The trip is still months away. You may feel differently when the time comes. After all, you will be a married woman by then and may have developed other interests.’

‘I may have developed other interests, but being your wife will not lessen my desire to go to Egypt,’ Joanna said. ‘You know how much the work means to me.’

Nothing changed in Sterne’s expression; neither surprise nor disappointment registered on his face. But his voice was thoughtful when he said, ‘Yes, I do. Indeed, I have never known a woman so passionate about a field so far removed from those normally associated with female endeavours. However, since my only goal is to make you happy, I wouldn’t dream of standing in the way of you achieving your desires, or force you to remain here in London.’ He smiled at her with practised charm. ‘And on that, Lady Joanna, you have
my
word.’

* * *

If there was one thing Laurence learned over the next few weeks, it was that work was a great panacea for heartache. The morning after Winifred’s engagement celebration, he sat down to work on his new play and scarcely looked up until it was finished. In all of that time, he hardly slept, took most of his meals in his room and only went out to buy more paper.

And he steadfastly and resolutely refused to think about Joanna.

What was the point? She obviously wasn’t thinking about him. No letters had arrived, asking him to call upon her, nor had she come to see him with a view to clarifying the situation between them. Clearly, in her mind, he was a liar and a fraud. That was all she needed to know.

Besides, it was entirely possible that her own circumstances had changed. Though no news of an engagement had been made public, Laurence had no reason to assume she was not now betrothed to Captain Sterne. She would become his wife and even though she
knew
how much he cared for her, she hadn’t had the decency to send him a letter informing him of her status as a newly engaged woman.

By God, she must truly despise him.

Either that or she didn’t care, Laurence reflected as he sat with his uncle over lunch a week later. Maybe she hadn’t wasted a moment’s thought on him after they had parted company that night. To his knowledge, no questions about his being Valentine Lawe had been raised, nor had any rumours or gossip made its way back to anyone else in the family.

Did that mean the danger of exposure was past? Surely if Joanna had intended to strike back at him, she would have done so by now.

His uncle certainly seemed to think so.

‘After all, what would be the point in waiting?’ Theo asked. ‘Any woman that angry would naturally lash out before she had a chance to calm down and change her mind. But there has been no word to that effect. Indeed, Lady Joanna hasn’t been seen much in society at all.’

It should have made Laurence feel better, but if anything, it only exacerbated his feelings of guilt. She had not exposed him. Despite the disgust in which she must surely hold him, she had not said anything to threaten his reputation or to tarnish the good name of his family. She had simply slipped back into the shadows of his life...

‘So, the play is finished.’

Laurence looked up to see his uncle thumbing through the pages of his completed manuscript. ‘Yes, such as it is. I’ll be interested in hearing what you think.’

‘I like the opening scenes very much,’ Theo said. ‘But I have to say it’s not what I was expecting.’

‘Is that a kind way of saying it’s not worthy of being published?’

‘Good God, no! It’s off to a fine start and the writing is excellent. But if the story continues in this vein, I’m not sure Loftus is going to approve.’

‘I didn’t write it for Loftus,’ Laurence said quietly. ‘I wrote it because I was inspired to do so.’

Theo chuckled. ‘So the muse spoke to you, did she?’

Laurence thought about Joanna, remembering how she had advised him to combine his two great passions and write a story set in the distant past. If that made her his muse, so be it. ‘You could say that, yes.’

‘Well, I promise I’ll read it as soon as I can and let you know what I think. Then, I’ll either pass it on to Loftus or give it back to you. Either way, I’m proud of you, Laurence. I wasn’t sure you had it in you to finish a full-length work, but this more than proves that you can.’

‘I’ll wait to hear what you think about the entire piece before I let the compliment go to my head,’ Laurence said, not about to get his hopes up. ‘Just because I’m able to finish something doesn’t mean it’s worthy of being shown to anyone else. It may end up in the grate, where all bad manuscripts go to die.’

‘And what will you do then?’

‘Carry on with my life.’

‘What about your plans to go to Egypt?’

‘Uncertain.’

‘Why? Because of Valentine Lawe...or Lady Joanna Northrup?’

Laurence’s mouth tightened. ‘Lady Joanna has nothing to do with it.’

‘Rubbish! Lady Joanna has
everything
to do with it and if you want my advice—’

‘I don’t.’

‘—you will sit down with her and patch things up.’

‘That is not my decision to make.
She
was the one who walked out.’

‘Of course, because
you
were the one who told the lie.’

‘
I
told the lie?’ Laurence couldn’t believe his ears. ‘
You
were the one who said it was the right thing to do! The one who’s said all along that we have to perpetuate the myth.’

‘Yes, because it was the best way to avoid society’s scorn and the fallout that would naturally occur. But
you
have to decide to whom you tell the truth and who you leave in ignorance,’ Theo said. ‘Victoria told Devlin because she loved him. She didn’t know how he was going to react, but she took the risk because she felt he deserved to know.’