Get Smart 4 - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets (14 page)

“Oh, really? It actually helps, does it?”

“Yes. I try to get the patient to trust me before I take him to the operating room,” Max said. “That way, when he has faith in me, he isn’t as likely to jump up off the operating table and run out screaming when I reach for the knife.”

“Hmmmm, that’s interesting,” Dr. Medulla said thoughtfully. “But, I think, personally, I prefer my own method.”

“How do you do it?” Max asked.

“I sneak up behind them when they’re not looking.”

“To each his own,” Max said. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to be alone with the patient. That is, alone with the patient,
and
my nurse.”

“How long will it take?” Dr. Medulla asked.

“Oh . . . three, four days?”

“Could you trim it down to a half-hour?”

“Why not?” Max smiled. “After all, it’s only the patient who has anything to lose by it.”

Dr. Medulla winked. “I like your attitude, Doctor,” he said, leading the other doctors out.

When Max and 99 were alone, Max quickly opened the black bag and got out an explosive. “We have a half-hour,” he said. “We’ll plant this pellet, then we’ll climb out a window and make a run for the helicopter.”

“What about me?” a mechanical-sounding voice said.

“99, I think you’ve caught cold,” Max said.

“Max . . . that wasn’t me!”

“99, think! It wasn’t me. And you and I and the human robot are the only ones in the room. So, if it wasn’t you, it had to be—” He looked narrowly at the robot. “—you?”

“I was promised an operation,” the robot said. “Nobody’s going to cheat me out of my operation. And, incidentally, what was that business about planting a pellet?”

“Oh, that . . . that was a technical phrase,” Max replied. “You wouldn’t understand.” He looked more closely at the human robot. “You sound almost human,” he said.

“I am—half.”

“Are you human enough to know what these KAOS agents intend to do to you?” Max said.

“Yes. Isn’t it great!”

“Great? They intend to use you to blackmail the entire world. They’ll send you out into the world, then issue an ultimatum: Put up or Blow up!”

“I’ll be famous!” the human robot enthused. “I’ll be on the front page of every newspaper in the world!”

“But suppose the world refuses to accept the terms? KAOS will detonate the Super Boom. You’ll be destroyed.”

“Big deal,” the human robot replied. “Eventually, everybody dies. But how many people make the front pages?”

“Let me put it another way,” Max said. “Suppose I told you that I’m not really a doctor?”

“Don’t try to weasel out of a promise,” the human robot said. “You can’t fool me. I know you’re a doctor. You’re carrying a little black bag.”

“All right, then suppose I told you that you don’t need an operation? Suppose I told you that all you really need is a lot of rest and a lot of sunshine?”

“I’d report you to Dr. Medulla,” the human robot replied.

“Oh. Well, in that case, I think I better examine you. Sometimes an examination reveals that a patient knows more about what is best for him than the doctor. Stick out your tongue.”

The human robot extended its tongue.

“Well . . . an aluminum tongue,” Max commented. “That probably means something.” He put an ear to the human robot’s chest and listened. “Hmmmm . . . ticking. That’s undoubtedly an indication of something, too. Tell me, when was the last time you ate a wristwatch?”

“Stop beating around the bush,” the human robot said. “Do I get my operation or don’t I?”

“Well, frankly, it’s my opinion that—”

“Or do I scream for Dr. Medulla?”

“—that you are in desperate need of an operation,” Max finished.

“Then let’s get on with it,” the human robot said. “I want to make the morning editions of the newspapers.”

The door of the room opened. Dr. Medulla entered. “Time’s up,” he said.

“That was a fast half-hour,” Max commented.

“You know how time flies in our racket,” Dr. Medulla said. “It’s cut, cut, cut, and, before you know it, it’s dinnertime, time to carve the roast. A surgeon’s work is never done. Have you established a personal relationship with the patient?”

“We detest each other,” the human robot said.

“That’s as it should be,” Dr. Medulla replied. “What doctor wants to operate on someone he likes?” He signalled to the other doctors, who were waiting in the corridor. “Take the patient to the operating room,” he said.

The other doctors entered, then wheeled away the stretcher that held the human robot.

“Everything is ready for you, Doctor,” Dr. Medulla said to Max. “It is time to make history!”

“Oh?” Max said, pleased. “Do you really think it will go down in history?”

“I am certain,” Dr. Medulla replied. “That is, of course, if, after the Super Boom is detonated, there is any history left.”

“Max,” 99 whispered. “Let’s run!”

“Don’t be ridiculous, 99,” Max whispered back. “You heard Dr. Medulla. This may go down in history.”

“But Max,” 99 hissed. “If the operation is a success, and the human robot is released, and the Super Boom is detonated, you—and all of us—will die!”

“99, everybody has to die eventually,” Max hissed back. “But how many people get the chance to make history?” He faced Dr. Medulla again. “When it goes down in history, what do you suppose it will be called?” he asked.

“I’ve taken care of that,” Dr. Medulla smiled. “I’ve left a note, giving exact instructions. It will be known as—”

“Yes?” Max asked eagerly.

“It will be known as: Operation Operation.”

“I like it,” Max smiled. “It has a nice beat.”

W
HEN
M
AX
, 99 and Dr. Medulla reached the operating room, the patient, the human robot, was already there. He had been transferred from the stretcher to the operating table.

“If you don’t mind,” Max said to Dr. Medulla, “I would like to consult in private with my nurse.”

“I don’t mind,” Dr. Medulla replied. “What does your nurse think about it?”

“Oh, I don’t mind,” 99 smiled. “But what do the other doctors think about it?”

“We’d better poll them,” Dr. Medulla said. He addressed the other doctors, and the other nurses, who were collected around the operating table. “The motion has been made—” he began.

“I don’t think that will be necessary,” Max broke in. “As I recall, according to the Geneva Convention, a doctor has a right to consult with his nurse in private no matter what anyone else thinks.” He signalled to 99. “Over here, nurse,” he said, moving toward a secluded corner of the operating room.

When they were alone, Max said, “99, before I begin this operation, there’s one question. How, exactly, do you perform an operation?”

“Max! I thought you knew!”

“Well, I have a general idea. I know you open the patient up, and sort of rummage around inside. And, too, I know you say ‘scaffold’ a lot. But—”

“Not ‘scaffold,’ Max. You say ‘scalpel.’ ”

“Oh. Well, ‘scaffold’ was close. Probably no one would have noticed.”

“Max, a scaffold is a temporary structure erected against a wall to support workmen. A scalpel is a knife. I think someone
might
have noticed the error.”

“All right, I’ll remember—scalpel, scalpel, scalpel. There now, it’s etched in my mind.”

“Max, are you really going through with this?” 99 said. “You don’t know the first thing about surgery.”

“Yes, I do,” Max replied. “The first thing is: have a sharp knife. It’s the second, third, fourth, fifth and so on things that I don’t know the first thing about. But I have no choice, 99. We have to stall—until we can shake these KAOS people and plant the explosive.”

“All right, Max. But . . . I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“You ought to be thankful, 99, that I don’t know what I’m doing. If I knew what I was doing, I’d be so shaky I probably couldn’t hold a scaffold.”

“
Scalpel,
Max!”

“Oh, yes—scalpel, scalpel, scalpel. I must remember that.”

“Doctor . . .” Dr. Medulla called. “The patient is ready.”

Max and 99 walked to the operating table.

“Are you sure you want to go through with this?” Max said to the human robot.

The human, robot turned to Dr. Medulla. “He’s stalling,” he said. “I demand my operation.”

“Stop stalling,” Dr. Medulla said to Max. “The patient demands his operation.”

Max turned to a nurse. “Stop stalling,” he said. “The patient demands his operation.”

“What am I doing?” the nurse replied, surprised. “I’m just standing here.”

“She admits it—she’s stalling,” Max said to Dr. Medulla.

“Stop stalling, nurse,” Dr. Medulla said to the nurse. “Instead of just standing there, prepare the doctor for the operation.”

The nurse popped a white cap onto Max’s head. “Hold out your hands,” she said.

Max extended his hands, and she slipped a pair of rubber gloves onto them. Next, she tied a mask around his face. “You’re ready, Doctor,” she said.

“I may be ready,” Max replied, “but I feel a little silly. Do I really need these gloves and this mask?”

“They’re essential,” Dr. Medulla insisted.

“Are you sure? Has anybody really thought this out? Just why is it so essential that I wear a mask and rubber gloves?”

“Because, after the operation, we’re all going out and rob a bank,” Dr. Medulla replied. “You’ll need the mask so you won’t be recognized and the rubber gloves so you won’t leave fingerprints on the vault.”

“Fine. That’s all I wanted, a logical explanation,” Max said. He turned to 99. “Are my instruments ready, nurse?”

“What instruments, Max?”

“In the black bag, nurse.”

“Oh. Oh, yes, Doctor.”

“Is the Super Boom ready for the implant?” Max said to Dr. Medulla.

Dr. Medulla held up a small metal box. “Here it is,” he said. “Cute, isn’t it?”

“Cute as a mid-air collision,” Max replied.

“He’s stalling,” the human robot complained.

“Don’t rush me!” Max snapped.

“Sorry,” the human robot replied. “But it’s my first operation, you know.”

“It’s my first operation, too,” Max said. “But you don’t see me going all to pieces about it.”

“Stop stalling,” Dr. Medulla said.

“All right, here we go,” Max announced. “And, as we proceed, if anyone has any suggestions to make, please speak up. This is a democratic operation. Criticism is welcome.” He extended a hand toward 99. “Scaffold!” he barked.

There was silence in the operating room.

“Well, nurse,” Dr. Medulla said to 99, “hand the doctor a temporary structure erected against a wall to support workers.”

Max chuckled. “Oh . . . did I say ‘scaffold’? I meant scalpel, nurse.”

99 reached into the bag, then handed Max an instrument. It looked like a flashlight.

“Well, tough luck,” Max smiled. “I guess we’ll have to delay the operation until I can get my scaffold sharpened.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Dr. Medulla said. “Use the zipper, Doctor.”

“The zipper?”

“The zipper!” the human robot said disgustedly. He zipped himself open, from throat to navel, revealing his internal mechanism. “Stop stalling!”

Max stared. Inside, the human robot looked like the interior of a watch. “So, that’s where that ticking was coming from,” he said, relieved.

“Here’s the Super Boom, Doctor,” Dr. Medulla said, handing the metal box toward Max.

“Who’s in charge of this operation!” Max snapped. “When I want the Super Boom, Doctor, I’ll ask for it. Don’t you know anything about surgery? The first rule is, before you put anything in, you first have to take something out!”

“I forgot,” Dr. Medulla replied, withdrawing the Super Boom.

Max peered thoughtfully at the human robot’s mechanism. “Let’s see . . . what shall we take out? Something about the size of a small metal box. Ah . . . here we are—”

“Not that!” the human robot protested.

“Why not? It’s the perfect size.”

“That’s my transistor radio,” the human robot said.

“If that’s your transistor radio, then I think I’ve found your trouble,” Max said. “It’s in the wrong place. Isn’t it supposed to be attached to your ear?”

“It’s in there so I can keep both hands free,” the robot explained.

“Oh.” Max inspected the mechanism again. “This may partly be the solution,” he said. “If I take out this tuning fork and put in a safety pin, that will save a little space. Then if I take out . . . yes, I think this is the way to do it. I’ll remove some of these larger items, and put in smaller items, and the space that is saved can be used to hold the Super Boom.”

“Brilliant!” Dr. Medulla said. “I knew we had the right doctor!”

“It seems to be working out,” the human robot said grudgingly. “But there for a while I thought he was stalling.”

“These things take thought,” Max said.

“Stop stalling!” the human robot grumbled.

Max removed a part and handed it to 99. “Something smaller,” he ordered.

She handed him an item from the black bag. And Max fitted it into place.

“Can’t you hurry?” the human robot complained. “It’s no fun lying here with my zipper open.”

“I’m operating as fast as I can,” Max replied irritably. “If you don’t like the way I’m doing it, you can get up from that table and operate on yourself.”

“If you don’t stop stalling, I will!” the robot growled.

Max worked more quickly. The parts flew. Out of the human robot came bits and pieces of mechanism, and into the human robot went items from the black bag. Finally, Max stepped back from the table, exhausted.

“There we are,” he sighed. “Now, all there is left to do is the closing.” He addressed Dr. Medulla. “Would you like to zip the zipper, Doctor?”

“Haven’t you forgotten something?” Dr. Medulla smiled.

“I don’t think so. There seems to be plenty of room in there for the Super Boom now.”

“The implant,” Dr. Medulla said. “You haven’t placed the Super Boom inside the human robot.”

“Oh . . . that . . .”

Dr. Medulla handed the Super Boom to Max.

“Now then . . .” Max said, bending over the human robot.

At that moment, the operating room door opened.