Get Smart 7 - Max Smart - The Spy Who Went Out to the Cold (7 page)

“A ship sails on water, 99. This is sand we’re standing on.”

“Max, that ship is on wheels.”

“You have a very sick sense of mirages, 99.”

“It’s on wheels, and there’s a whole long string of automobiles following it.”

“You have a very sick and
crowded
sense of mirages, 99.”

“Max! Someone’s waving to us from the deck!”

“Wave back, 99. Let’s not let the fact that we’re dying out here in the middle of the desert make us forget our manners.”

“Max, the ship is almost here! There’s a man on the deck. He’s wearing knickers and a Hawaiian shirt and sun glasses and a pith helmet.”

“Sick, sick, sick, 99.”

“Max, the whole caravan is stopping—the ship and the cars. The man is being lowered in a longboat. The longboat is resting on the sand now, Max. The man is getting out. He’s heading this way, Max!”

“Ask him how he’s fixed for ice cream sodas,” Max muttered.

“Max! He’s here!”

Max raised his eyes. Standing before him was a small, dumpy man who was wearing sandals, knickers, a Hawaiian shirt, dark glasses and a pith helmet. “99, you’re mirage is straight out of Hollywood,” Max said.

“Greetings, natives,” the man smiled. “I’m Max von Sydesheau, straight out of Hollywood. I’m shooting a picture out here. Moby Dick. I could use you two as extras. Either one of you had any experience ducking a harpoon?”

“Water!” 99 gasped.

“Now, wait a minute,” Max said, staring narrow-eyed at the man. “Are you for real? Do you expect us to believe that you’re actually a motion picture director? That you’re making a movie of Moby Dick? Where’s your whale?”

“In the trunk of one of the cars,” Max von Sydesheau replied. “It’s inflatable. That means that if you blow air into it—”

“I know what inflatable means,” Max broke in. “But it still doesn’t make sense. Why would you bring a ship—”

“Water!” 99 gasped.

“Just a second, 99,” Max said. “There’s something very fishy about this.”

“It’s in the trunk of one of the cars,” von Sydesheau said. “It’s inflatable. You—”

“Don’t change the subject,” Max snapped. “Why would you bring a ship way out here into the middle of the desert to shoot a sea picture? Why not film it on the ocean?”

“My ship leaks,” von Sydesheau replied. “I’m working on a very tight budget.”

“Water!” 99 gasped.

“Well, now it’s beginning to make a
little
sense,” Max said grudgingly. “But, I’m sorry, we’re not available as extras. You see, we’re a couple of secret agents, and we’re on duty.”

Von Sydesheau nodded. “Spying on the sand—I got it.”

“No, no, we got caught in a sand storm and we’re lost,” Max said. “If you could just help us get back to civilization, we’d—”

“Water!” 99 gasped.

“—appreciate it a great deal,” Max continued. “We have to report in to headquarters.”

“Of course. You can go back when we go,” von Sydesheau said.

“Uh . . . about how long will that be?”

“Well, let’s see . . . we start shooting in the morning. If we’re lucky, and we don’t get a blowout in the whale, in about six months, give or take a month.”

“Well . . . since our mission is somewhat of a bust, I guess there’s no hurry to get back,” Max decided. “All we’ll get is a bawling out, anyway.”

“Water!” 99 gasped.

Max looked at her, then turned back to von Sydesheau. “I wonder if my friend and I could get a drink of water?” he said.

“Well . . . we expect to be out here quite a while, so we’re trying to conserve our water,” von Sydesheau replied. “Would you settle for an ice cream soda?”

Von Sydesheau took Max and 99 aboard the ship. They quenched their thirst, then followed the director about as he oversaw the setting up of the scenery—large canvases on which were painted views of an ocean.

Suddenly, 99 pulled at Max’s sleeve. “Max . . . over there . . . look . . . Doesn’t that short, dumpy man look familiar?”

Max looked. “Which one, 99?”

“Now that you mention it, both of them. Max! That’s—”

“Von BOOM and Abdul!”

“Yes!”

Max and 99 rushed over to the two men. Abdul was still wearing his burnoose. But von BOOM was now dressed in the uniform of a ship’s captain.

“Von BOOM!” Max cried. “You’re safe!”

“I’m safe, too,” Abdul said.

Von BOOM touched a finger to his lips. “Shhh-shh-shhh!” He motioned to Max and 99 and drew them aside, behind a tent. “Don’t give me away,” he said.

“Give you away?”

“Von Sydesheau doesn’t know I’m a scientist,” von BOOM explained. “He thinks I’m a native. He gave me the starring part in his picture. He says I’m a natural. I’m playing the title role—Moby Dick.”

“Von BOOM, the leading role is the part of Captain Ahab,” Max said. “Moby Dick is the whale.”

“Shhh! Don’t tell von Sydesheau!”

“You mean he’s shooting the picture and he doesn’t— This is ridiculous! Professor, you’re not an actor. And, besides, you have a duty to your country. You’re supposed to be getting the bugs out of your lightweight rocket fuel.”

“I say, leave it alone, maybe they’ll drown,” von BOOM said.

“But you’re a scientist!”

“That was yesterday,” von BOOM replied. “Today, I’m a Star.”

Max sighed gloomily. “How did you get here, anyway?” he said.

“I was looking for 99’s shoulders, and I guess I got lost,” von BOOM replied. “Then, when the storm died down, we—”

“We?”

“I was on
his
shoulders,” Abdul said. “But I’m safe now.”

“We saw this ship sailing toward us,” von BOOM went on. “I waved my arms and yelled Help! Help! Help!”

“I just sat there,” Abdul said. “I thought it was a mirage.”

“To make a long story short, the ship sailed up to us,” von BOOM continued, “and von Sydesheau offered me the part in his picture. He liked the way I yelled. In the picture, my big line is: ‘Thar she Blows!’ ” He started to wander away.

Max grabbed him and led him back. “Try not to use that word ‘line,’ ” he said.

Von BOOM started to wander away again.

Once more, Max retrieved him. “And I won’t use it, either,” he said. “Now, look, Professor—think what you’re doing. You studied for years to become a scientist. You worked hard to reach the top in your profession. All that work and study must have meant something to you. Why did you do it?”

“Because nobody ever offered to make me a Star before,” von BOOM replied.

“Let me talk to him,” Abdul said.

“I would appreciate that,” Max replied gratefully.

Abdul addressed von BOOM. “Don’t listen to this bum,” he said, indicating Max. “You don’t have to. You’re a Star. Say the word, and I’ll have him tossed off the set.”

“Thanks just oodles,” Max said grimly. “I’ll remember this when you come around to collect your guide fee.”

“Who needs it?” Abdul shrugged. “As of today, I’m out of the rent-a-guide business. I’m the agent to a Star.”

Max turned to von BOOM. “He is your agent?” he said incredulously.

“I gave him the job when we were lost out there on the desert,” the Professor replied. “As long as I was carrying him around on my back, anyway, I figured he might as well be my agent.”

“Don’t bother my Star with any more questions,” Abdul said to Max and 99. “He has to rehearse his line.”

Von BOOM wandered off.

This time, Max let von BOOM’s agent chase after him.

“Max, what are we going to do?” 99 fretted.

“We have no choice, 99,” Max replied. “I hate to be the one to destroy a career, but— Duty first. We have to get von BOOM back on the track. I’m going to snitch. I’m going to tell von Sydesheau that von BOOM is really a scientist.”

“Max, I’m not sure that will work. He found him out in the middle of the desert. Will he believe that he’s a scientist?”

“He found us out in the middle of the desert, too, 99, and he believed that we’re secret agents.”

“You’re right, Max.”

Max and 99 found von Sydesheau and informed him that, in fact, von BOOM was a scientist. Von Sydesheau threw back his head and roared with laughter.

“You don’t believe it?” Max said.

“As much as I believed that ridiculous story about you two being secret agents,” von Sydesheau replied. He winked at Max. “Spying on the sand, eh?”

Max and 99 retreated.

That night, when the camp was silent, Max and 99, by prearrangement, slipped out of their separate tents and met near the stern of the ship.

“So far, so good, 99,” Max whispered. “Everybody’s asleep, and, luckily, von Sydesheau didn’t think to post any guards.”

“It probably didn’t occur to him that we would try to kidnap his Star, Max.”

“I don’t know why not. That’s the way it would happen in a movie.” He motioned, then set out through the darkness, with 99 following close behind. “Von BOOM’s tent is just a short distance from here.”

“How will we know it, Max? In the dark, all these tents look alike.”

“There’ll be no mistaking it, 99. It—” he pointed. “There, shining in the moonlight . . . see?”

“Oh . . . yes. Isn’t that interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before . . . a star on the flap.”

“All right, 99, from this moment on, let’s maintain absolute silence. If we create a commotion and rouse the camp, we may never get another chance to get von BOOM out of here.”

“Suppose he cries out, Max?”

“I’m going to gag him.”

“Please be gentle, Max. Remember, down deep, he’s on our side—he’s one of the Good Guys.”

“99, I don’t like doing this any more than you do. But our space program depends on it.”

“Max . . . couldn’t we
talk
to him about it again? It wouldn’t hurt to try, would it?”

“Absolutely pointless, 99. We wouldn’t even know what he answered.”

“Why, Max?”

“Because he’ll be gagged. Now, come on, 99.”

Silently, they moved forward through the darkness. A few moments later they reached the entrance to von BOOM’s tent. Quietly, Max opened the flap. He crept into the tent, with 99 right behind him.

“Can you see him, Max?”

“Shhhh!”

Max moved on alone. A few seconds later, there was a sudden sound of scuffling, and a muffled outcry.

“Max—are you all right?”

“Not so loud, 99!”

“Sorry, Max. But are you all right? Do you have him?”

“Yes, 99—plus.”

“Plus what, Max?”

“Plus my left foot.”

“Max . . . could you explain that?”

“First, 99, I gagged him, then I threw a blanket over him and gathered the blanket at the top to make a kind of sack out of it. But . . . Well, after all, 99, I
am
working in the dark.”

“You have your foot in the bag?”

“If you want the whole story—my foot
and
my ankle.”

“Can’t you just take your foot out, Max?”

“To do that, 99, I’ll have to open the sack. And if I open the sack, he might escape. Frankly, 99, he isn’t too happy about this. He’s— Ouch! He’s twisting my ankle.”

“Wait, Max, I’ll try to help you. If I can just—”

There was a loud crash. Then silence again.

“Thank you, 99,” Max said. “That worked very well.”

“All I did, Max, was bump into something.”

“I know. But it helped. What ever you bumped into must have been fairly solid. It hit von BOOM. He’s unconscious—and I have my foot back.”

“Max! Is he hurt?”

“He’s fine. He has a good pulse and he’s breathing deeply and evenly. Now, for Heaven’s sake, let’s get out of here!”

Between them, Max and 99 lifted the sack. They left the tent, then the camp, and headed out into the desert.

“This is a snap,” Max said enthusiastically. “The weather is cool, the baggage is light, the moon is out, your daddy’s rich, and your mammy’s good-lookin’.”

“What, Max?”

“Sorry, 99—I got a little carried away.”

“But what about in the morning, Max, when the sun comes out, and the moon goes in? The weather will be hot, and the baggage will seem heavy.”

“What about daddy and mammy?”

“Max!”

“We’ll just have to rely on gumption and fortitude, 99. It will be tough, I know. But if we grit our teeth, keep our chins up high, and grin, nothing can stop us.”

“We have no water, Max.”

“We couldn’t drink it, anyway.”

“Why not, Max?”

“99, have you ever tried to drink while gritting your teeth, keeping your chin up, and grinning? It’s impossible.”

Through the rest of the night, they pushed on. By sunrise, they had left the camp far behind, out of sight. Gradually, the sun became hotter. Their pace slowed. Soon, they were scarcely able to drag themselves forward.

“Max . . .” 99 gasped “. . . couldn’t we put our burden down?”

“We can’t leave von BOOM here, 99. Not after carrying him all this distance.”

“Max . . . I meant . . . can’t he walk? Why do we have to carry him?”

“Oh. As a matter of fact, I was just going to suggest that.”

They lowered the sack to the sand, then Max opened it. From the blanket, Abdul Bim-Bam-Bom peered up at them.

“Talk about your mirages, 99,” Max said. “I’ll bet you can’t guess who the Professor looks like to me this morning.”

“Max! It isn’t von BOOM!” 99 wailed.

“I was afraid of that,” Max said glumly. He addressed Abdul Bim-Bam-Bom. “All right, fella, I think you owe us an explanation,” he said crossly. “What’s the idea of trying to pass yourself off as Professor von BOOM. You’ll never get away with it, you know. You don’t know a thing about rocket fuels.”

“Grgmpphblt!” Abdul replied.

“I think you better un-gag him, Max,” 99 said.

Max removed the gag.

“I’m an innocent bystander,” Abdul protested. “I was sound asleep when suddenly somebody gagged me and rolled me up in a blanket. I fought like a wildcat. I had him by the foot. But then I was hit by a truck.”

“Abdul, what were you doing in von BOOM’s tent?” 99 asked.

“That was my agent’s fee,” Abdul replied. “Instead of paying cash, he told me I could sleep one night in the Star’s tent. What a story to tell my grandchildren. Now, of course, it’s even a better story. There I was, sound asleep in the Star’s tent, when suddenly a gang of desert bandits fell upon me, gagged me, and rolled me up in a pure silk sheet stolen from the Shah’s palace. I fought like two-dozen wildcats. I had about nine of them by the leg—up to the kneecap. But then I was hit by a low-flying super-sonic jet. Well, I was stunned for a second. But I was a strong, healthy lad in those days—about six-foot-seven, enormous muscles—”