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Authors: William Johnston

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BOOK: Get Smart 9 - Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair
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“I’m sorry,” 99 said. “Go on, Chief.”

“Well, Max . . . 99 . . . we’ve learned that sometime within the next few days every KAOS assassin in the U.S. will be gathered in one place. And—what may be even more important—KAOS’ top international assassin, Arbuthnot, will be there, too. As you can easily see, it will be a golden opportunity for Control.”

Max frowned. “I don’t quite see it, Chief.”

“Max—think. It’s going to be kind of a seminar meeting. In other words, Arbuthnot, the top international assassin, will be lecturing to all the top U.S. assassins on the latest advancements in the assassination game. They’ll all be together for several days, probably. Do you see now why I say it’s a golden opportunity for Control?”

“You mean we’re going to cater it, Chief?”

“No, Max! I mean it’s a golden opportunity for us to eliminate not only all the top U.S. assassins, but also KAOS’ top international assassin! Wouldn’t you call that a golden opportunity?”

“You mean we’re going to assassinate the assassins, Chief?” Max said.

“No . . . we won’t do that. Not unless it’s absolutely necessary. We’ll just take them captive, then we’ll reeducate them, so that, from then on, they’ll be harmless.”

“Brainwash them, you mean,” 99 said.

The Chief shook his head. “No, 99, I mean re-educate them. When KAOS does it, it’s brainwashing. When we do it, it’s re-educating.”

99 nodded. “I’ll remember that,” she said. “Where will all these assassins be, Chief?”

“Well . . . that, I don’t know,” the Chief replied. “All we know is that the top U.S. assassins have collected here in Washington and that they’re going to take a train to New York this afternoon.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard of,” Max said.

The Chief and 99 peered at him. “Max, what’s so dumb about taking a train to New York?” the Chief asked.

“It’s as dumb as carrying coals to Newcastle,” Max replied. “There are plenty of trains in New York. Why not get one when they get there, instead of carrying one all the way from Washington. Besides, how will they ever get it on the plane? Isn’t there a limit on the amount of baggage you can—” He suddenly brightened. “Oh! I see. You mean they’re going to
ride
a train to New York. Why didn’t you say so, Chief? You know, there’s a big difference between—”

“Max!”

“I’m sorry, Chief. But be a little more careful of your wording from now on, will you?”

“I’ll put it this way:” the Chief said. “This afternoon, KAOS’ top U.S. assassins will board a train in Washington that is scheduled to depart for New York. We don’t know what their final destination will be. They might get on the train, and then immediately get off. Or, they might ride it to the first stop . . . or the second or third stop . . . They might go all the way to New York, then transfer to another train or to a plane or— My point is, the only thing we know for sure about their transportation plans is that they have tickets for that train this afternoon. Is that clear?”

“You certainly go into a lot of detail to say you don’t know anything, Chief,” Max commented. “Too much detail can be confusing, you know. When you have nothing to say, it’s best to say it in the briefest possible way. A tidy mind is a sign of intelligence. I don’t mean to infer by that that you’re not intelligent though. What it probably is, I think, is a basic lack of confidence in your associates’ ability to comprehend. This is indicated by your question as the end of the explanation. You went into all that detail, and you were very explicit about it, and then you said, ‘Is that clear?’ In other words, you were asking us if we understood all the things you had told us. Now, that was hardly necessary. You were so specific about everything, even an idiot would have understood. Yet, you were unable to accept the obvious: that is, the fact that you were speaking to highly-trained, extraordinarily perceptive—”

“Max,” the Chief broke in, “will you just answer the question? Was it clear?”

“Was
what
clear, Chief?”

The Chief turned to 99. “You understood it, I’m sure,” he said. “Please explain it to Max after you get aboard the train.”

99 nodded. “Of course, Chief.” She indicated his empty cup. “Would you like some more coffee?”

“Yes . . . thank you . . .”

99 picked up the Chief’s cup and saucer and then started to pick up the coffee urn. But at that instant the Chief’s chair suddenly tipped backwards, flipping him out and across the room. He crashed into a corner, then lay there, stunned.

Max and 99 got up quickly and ran to him.

“Chief! Are you all right?” Max asked.

The Chief opened his eyes. “Yes . . .” he replied dimly. “I . . . what happened?”

“I’m sorry, Chief . . . it was my fault,” 99 said. “I’m still not used to this apartment. Every once in a while, I activate one of Max’s booby traps—unintentionally, of course.” She looked at Max. “What did I do that time?” she asked.

“You broke the electric eye beam when you waved that coffee cup around,” Max explained. “It causes the chair to flip over backwards, usually breaking somebody’s leg.”

“The leg of whoever’s in the chair, you mean?”

“No, the leg of whoever gets hit by whoever’s in the chair,” Max replied. He turned his attention to the Chief once more. “How are your legs, Chief?” he asked.

“I think I survived without any damage,” he replied, getting to his feet.

“That’s a break,” Max said. “Or, to put it another way, that’s
not
a break.”

Max and 99 helped the Chief back to the chair.

“Do you want that coffee now, Chief?” 99 asked when he was seated again.

“No, no,” he said quickly. “Just let me finish telling you about this assignment so I can get out of here. Now, do you understand what it is you’re supposed to do? I have tickets for you for that train. You’ll go aboard and you’ll try to locate the KAOS assassins. Then—”

“How will we identify them, Chief?” Max asked. “Will they have badges pinned to their lapels?”

“Max, why would they have badges pinned to their— Oh, you mean because they are going to a meeting.” He shook his head. “No, Max, they won’t have badges. I don’t know how you’ll identify them. I don’t have pictures of them, I don’t have descriptions. Nothing. All I know is that they’ll be on that train.”

“I see,” Max nodded. “We’ll have to depend on training and intelligence to spot them.”

“Well . . . training, yes,” the Chief replied. “Now—” He suddenly winced and put a hand on his back. “I think I must have sprained something when this chair threw me,” he said.

“Here, Chief,” 99 said, reaching for a pillow on the sofa. “Put this behind your—”

“No, 99!” Max shouted.

But the warning was too late. The chair flipped the Chief foward and he dived across the low table, sending cups and saucers and the coffee urn and toast and coffee and sugar and cream in all directions. He ended up in another corner, stunned.

Max and 99 raced to him.

“Chief—are you all right?” Max asked.

He opened his eyes. “Yes . . . I . . . what happened?”

“My fault again, Chief,” 99 said apologetically. “I forgot what happens when that pillow is moved. Did you break anything this time?”

“I don’t know—did I? It sounded like china shattering.

“Don’t worry about that. I mean
you,”
99 said. “Try to stand up.”

The Chief shook his head. “No. I’m going to stay right here in the corner until I finish filling you in on this assignment,” he said. “If I don’t, I’ll be going to a hospital instead of back to headquarters when I leave here. Now . . . where was I?”

“You were diving across the coffee table, Chief,” Max told him. “And very gracefully, too—considering, of course, that you weren’t prepared for it.”

“I mean where was I in the briefing?”

“Oh. Well, you’d just told us that the KAOS assassins won’t be wearing badges.”

“That’s right,” the Chief nodded. “I can’t suggest any way to identify them. They’ll probably look like common ordinary everyday people. But, somehow, you’ll have to locate them on that train, and then follow them wherever they go. That’s the important thing. We have to find out where that meeting is being held.”

“Chief, there’s an easier way, you know,” Max said.

“There is—how?”

“Well, we know the assassins will be on the train,” Max said. “So, why don’t we just take
all
the passengers into custody and re-educate them all? That way, we’d be bound to get the assassins.”

“Max . . . I’m afraid that would get us into a bit of trouble.”

“How? Who would tell? All the passengers would be re-educated. They wouldn’t know what happened to them.”

“No, Max, we can’t do that,” the Chief said. “Besides, it wouldn’t be a guarantee of success. You see, it’s Arbuthnot we really want the most. He knows more about assassination than any man alive. If we could snare him and then relieve him of all that information— Well, obviously, it would be a great day for Control.”

“That makes my idea all the better,” Max said. “If we took all the passengers into custody, we’d get Arbuthnot, too. How could we miss?”

“Max, we’re not sure that Arbuthnot will be on the train. The KAOS communication we intercepted ordered all the U.S. assassins to take that train, but there was no mention of Arbuthnot. He might be flying to the meeting place. Or hitchhiking, for all we know.”

Max sighed. “Okay, I guess we’ll have to do it the hard way,” he said. “Now, let me get it straight. We board the train and then we come back here to the apartment. After—”

“Max, no!” the Chief broke in. “Why come back here to the apartment?”

“To get the tickets,” Max replied. “I always forget the tickets.”

“I’ll take the tickets, Max,” 99 said. “After all, what’s a wife for?”

“Okay,” Max said. “We board the train and we locate the KAOS assassins. We stay with them until they arrive at the meeting place, then we go to the nearest telephone—”

“No, Max,” the Chief interrupted again.

“You’re right, Chief. We locate them, then I call you on my shoe phone. Then—”

“No, Max,” the Chief said.

“Do we locate them?” Max asked.

“Yes, that part is correct,” the Chief nodded. “But it probably won’t be possible for you to telephone me. KAOS has developed a communications neutralizer. It can make all the normal means of communication for miles around inoperative. They will undoubtedly have a communications neutralizer at the meeting place. So, you will not be able to phone me or telegraph me.”

“I could write you a letter,” Max suggested.

“These days, it would take too long to reach me.”

“Smoke signals?”

“No, Max. But there is a way.” The Chief got what looked like a coin from his pocket and handed it to Max. “What does this look like?” he said.

Max scrutinized it closely for a second. “A penny?”

“Yes . . . but what kind of a penny, Max?”

Max turned the coin over and over. “An Indian-head penny?” he guessed.

“Max, look closer.”

“Oh, yes . . . I see . . .” Max said after a second. “That’s not an Indian, is it? It’s . . . now, don’t tell me—I know him. I’ve seen him in old newsreels . . . wearing that Indian head-dress. It’s . . . uh . . .” He shrugged. “I give up.”

“Max, that’s a Coolidge-head penny,” the Chief said.

“Sure! That’s right. How many of these did they mint, Chief?”

“None!” the Chief replied. “That’s the only Coolidge-head penny in existence, Max. We made it that way so you could carry it in your pocket and yet identify it quickly when you needed it. Do you have any idea what it
really
is?”

Max inspected the penny again. “A Hoover-head nickel?” he guessed.

“No! It’s a communications neutralizer neutralizer!”

“Oh . . . sure . . Max nodded. “I see. With this Coolidge-head penny, I can neutralize KAOS’ communications neutralizer, and then the phones will work.”

“Even better than that, Max,” the Chief said. “When you rub that penny it sends out a signal. That signal will be picked up at Control headquarters. Then, we’ll be able to home in on it and locate the meeting place and take all those KAOS assassins—including Arbuthnot—into custody.”

“That’s wonderful, Chief!” 99 said.

“That’s more than Coolidge was able to do,” Max said. He dropped the penny into his pocket. “Is there anything else. Chief?”

“No,” the Chief replied. “Just . . . just help me up . . . and let me get out of here before any more of those booby traps go off.”

Max and 99 assisted the Chief in getting to his feet, then walked to the door with him.

“The tickets are in here,” the Chief said, handing 99 an envelope. “Don’t miss that train.”

“Don’t worry, Chief.”

Max opened the door. “Sure you wouldn’t like to take a doggy bag of toast and coffee with you?” he said.

“Yes, I’m pretty sure about that,” the Chief replied. He stepped out into the corridor. “Don’t forget, now—we’ll be waiting for that signal at headquarters.”

“Got it,” Max nodded. “So long, Chief,” he said, starting to close the door.

“Oh . . . and drop in anytime, Chief!” 99 called.

“No, 99!” Max said.

From the corridor came the sound of a crash. Then the Chief could be heard expressing himself in a way that indicated a certain degree of dissatisfaction with current conditions.

“What happened?” 99 asked Max, baffled.

“That’s a booby trap I forgot to tell you about,” Max explained. “Never say ‘Drop in anytime’ to anyone who’s leaving, 99. That particular phrase trips a trap door in the corridor.”

99 looked, horrified, at the closed door. The Chief’s complaints could still be heard—but much more faintly now. “Max, we better do something!”

“That’s been taken care of,” Max informed her, turning away. “The trap door opens into a doctor’s office on the ground floor. By now, the Chief is in good hands.”

2.

M
AX AND
99 spent the rest of the morning packing. It took considerable time because they were not sure where they were going. As the Chief had pointed out, the train might take the KAOS assassins only on the first leg of the trip to the meeting site. Consequently, Max and 99 might end up in the South, the North, the East or the West. So, they packed fur parkas, tennis shorts, ski boots, sandals, ear muffs and swim suits, and so forth and so on. Just guessing, Max speculated that their baggage weighed seven tons. As a result, they left it where it was—in the living room, kitchen, up the stairs, and in the bedroom—tossed a change of underwear into a manila envelope and left for the train station.

BOOK: Get Smart 9 - Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair
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