Gilda Joyce: The Ladies of the Lake (26 page)
Read Gilda Joyce: The Ladies of the Lake Online
Authors: Jennifer Allison
MINUTES OF THE LADIES OF THE LAKE MEETING NOTES TAKEN BY DANIELLE MENORY, SECRETARY
The Ladies of the Lake met today at our fantastic, secret location in the ruins. Nobody has any idea we go here. Ladies in attendance were Priscilla Barkley (President), Nikki Grimaldi (Activities Director), and Danielle Menory (Secretary).
Prisciall says we should take notes on our official meetings, just like in a real sorority.
SUBJECTS DISCUSSED:
- Who has the best hair in school.
- Should Nikki call a guy named “Dinkel” or wait for him to call her?
- A dream Priscilla had that she was famous.
COMPLAINTS:
- Nikki had a zit (which we couldn’t see).
- Too much homework!
- The sophomores are mean, and they kicked too hard on “Kick the Freshmen” Day.
OUR SECRET CLUB
“It’s not just a secret club we’re forming,” Priscilla said. “It’s going to be like an exclusive sorority.” She explained how, eventually, we’ll invite certain people to “rush” the Ladies of the Lake, and the three of us will pick the girls we like to join the group. We’ll have fabulous parties with cute boys. “In order for a club to have prestige, there will have to be some people who don’t make it as members,” Priscilla said.
A SOLEMN OATH:
“The Ladies of the Lake pledge to stick by one another no matter what and to remain best friends forever no matter what; to become awesome, popular girls; and never to reveal the name, location, meeting times, or anything else about the identity of our club to anyone without the full agreement of all members.”
LADIES OF THE LAKE MEETING:
ACTIVITY:
We each wrote our names at the top of a piece of paper, then handed it to the “lady” sitting next to us in the circle.
Priscilla told us to write “good qualities and faults” of the individual named on the page, then pass it on. “Be totally, brutally honest.”
RESULTS (see attached):
Priscilla Barkley:
Super-pretty! Could practically be a model. Smart, but kind of bossy sometimes.
Gorgeous, talented, and a good singer. A little pushy and judgmental. Sometimes has stinky breath.
Nikki Grimaldi:
Fun and funny! Very blunt and honest. Cute with cute freckles ☺. Boy crazy! Very knowledgeable about cars.
Hair is kind of frizzy and needs some highlights or something. Try straightening it with a flat iron. Clothing style is a little butch. Muscular build but a little too big. Voice is too loud sometimes; you should tone it down. Pick better gugs to like.
Danielle:
Super-smart! Will probably go to Harrard or Yale and do great career-wise. Sometimes looks worried about something. Lighten up!
Pretty but needs a new haircut and highlights. Good skin but too pale. Thin but more muscle tone is needed. Nice clothes but a little boring. Studious and too serious.
The meeting ended on a sour note.
LADIES OF THE LAKE MEETING:
- Feelings hurt at our last meeting.
- It’s annoying when the sophomores call us “fresh meat.”
- How amazing it’s going to be when we’re seniors.
- What does Mr. Panté’s wife look like?
- Why we hate Dolores Lambert.
COMPLAINTS:
Dolores has been following Priscilla around the school “like a puppy dog who copies every single thing I do.”
REASONS DOLORES IS ANNOYING:
- smiles too much (fake)
- wears immature plastic barrettes in hair
- never understands jokes
- whiny voice
- ten to twenty extra pounds of baby fat
- can’t take a hint
- copies what other people say
- tries to tell funny stories that always come out sounding dumb
- yells out “Nuh!” after trying to say something funny—a word which has no meaning whatsoever
- always says she’s on a diet but never sticks to one
- tells obvious lies about “a boyfriend she had in Wisconsin”
- her mom leaves extra cookies and stupid notes in her lunch
- shows off her gaudy heart-shaped amethyst, which her mom bought her, and that is so lame
- gets way too excited about dumb things like having pizza for lunch or watching a movie during class, or knowing that “Saturday is only two days away”
- face looks puffy
- sticks retarded decorations to the ends of her pencils
- brags about her grades
THE MOST FUN LADIES OF THE LAKE MEETING YET WAS TODAY!
LADIES OF THE LAKE MEETING:
SUBJECTS DISCUSSED:
Dolores Lambert intercepted a note about our meeting place in the ruins. Now she knows where we meet and wants to be part of the club.
PROBLEM: Should we find a new secret place to meet?
A PROPOSAL:
Let Dolores join the Ladies of the Lake on a conditional basis—as our first Pledge. “Then she’ll have an incentive to keep our meeting place secret,” Priscilla said. “Besides, it might be fun.”
PROBLEM:
I didn’t like this idea. I wanted our club to be a secret kept between three friends—a place to get away from
everything. But Nikki and Priscilla love the idea of having their own sorority.
VOTE:
2 TO 1: Dolores will attend some meetings on a conditional basis.
LADIES OF THE LAKE FIRST MEETING ATTENDED BY DOLORES LAMBERT (PLEDGE)
Dolores read the “Guide for Pledges.”
“What does ‘Bury all things you find dead’ mean?” she asked.
“It means what it says,” Priscilla replied.
“But there are dead things everywhere,” Dolores argued. “Like what about dead leaves? It would be impossible for one person to bury all of them.”
“Use your best judgment,” said Priscilla.
“And what does ‘Give your heart to the Ladies of the Lake’ mean?”
Priscilla explained that members must give up something close to them for the sake of the group, so the Pledge agreed that she would not wear her amethyst ring. It was confiscated and kept in a safe place in the ruins.
“What did the rest of you give up?” Dolores asked.
“That’s our concern,” said Priscilla.
Nikki asked Dolores to kiss the shoes of each member, and she did so without even hesitating.
“Dolores,” said Priscilla, “your progress will be monitored. You’ll endure a probation period before you can be considered a full member of the club.”
The Pledge said that she understood.
LADIES OF THE LAKE MEETING
Dolores brought homemade brownies and chocolate-chip cookies to our meeting, but wasn’t allowed to eat more than one of each. (The rest of us ate as many brownies and cookies as we wanted.)
When Dolores snuck an extra cookie, Priscilla declared that she should be punished. “The Pledge must eat a small lump of dirt.”
We laughed, but then we saw that Priscilla was completerly serious.
Nikki went outside and retrieved an enormous clump of soil that contained a worm.
“That’s too much dirt for anyone to eat,” said Priscilla (like a little bit of dirt might be a good snack for some people). She removed a marble-sized clump of mud from the enormous clod of earth and handed it to Dolores.
“What if I get sick from eating that?” the Pledge asked. “It might have germs.”
In response, the President handed her a larger piece of dirt.
The Pledge took the hint and asked if she could “have anything to wash it down with.”
We debated whether Dolores should be allowed to have any beverage with her dirt.
Finally, we let her have a sip of Diet Coke, and she managed to swallow the dirt with a gross amount of gagging.
LADIES OF THE LAKE MEETING
The Pledge complained that she was allowed to eat lunch with us, but never allowed to speak unless spoken to first.
The President asked her what it was that she would like to say.
The Pledge couldn’t think of anything. “It’s not fair because you’re putting me on the spot,” she complained.
Priscilla reminded her that she was “getting close to becoming a full member, and then she would be treated as an equal.” The group agreed to offer Dolores up to three opportunities for conversation during lunches, but she would be cut off if her discussion became too boring.
The Pledge submitted an essay assignment to the group, which she read aloud (see attached):
Why I Want to Be a Member of the Ladies of the Lake
by Dolores Lambert, Pledge
Being a pledge to the Ladies of the Lake is probably going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I know it will pay off in the end. When I see the members of the Ladies of the Lake laughing in the hallways and passing notes in class, I know that I will soon
be sharing secrets with them, and it’s so great to know that we’ll always be there for each other in life.
The Ladies of the Lake is challenging me to be my best. I am trying to lose weight and keep my grades up and follow all the rules. There are a lot of rules! But sometimes it’s kind of nice to have other people tell me my main goals because I know I’m not alone as I face these tough challenges.
I know there’s a reason behind the plan, and I trust the Ladies of the Lake because they know what is best for me. I will always be a loyal member no matter what.
As a reward, the Pledge received a group hug.
LADIES OF THE LAKE—SPECIAL UPDATE
A dead spider lay on the floor in the freshman locker room, and the Pledge was reprimanded for shirking her burial duties.
The Pledge protested that she would be late to class if she took time to bury the spider, but the President reminded her of this important rule.
The Pledge scooped up the stiff, black spider with a piece of paper and disappeared from the room. She returned a minute later and the President asked if she had actually buried the spider.
“But I don’t have a shovel or anything to bury it with,” the Pledge protested.
The President responded that she should always have “a spoon, trowel, or other compact burial implement” in her
purse in the event a grave is needed, and that her neglect of such tools indicates a “lack of attention to detail and planning.”
The Pledge questioned the rule. “Animals in the wild don’t get buried,” she said.
The President said that the expired spider was not in the wild; it was in school. “Therefore, it must be buried.” She ordered the Pledge to go back outside and bury the spider using a stick or her bare hands if necessary.
(I stopped taking notes at this point due to a severe stomach pain.)
LADIES OF THE LAKE—SPECIAL MEETING
The President observed that the Pledge had gained weight instead of losing it, as had been recommended. She proposed an activity to help Dolores with her lack of self-motivation. “Sororities sometimes do this,” she said.
We told the Pledge to remove all of her clothing except her underwear.
“But I’ll be cold.”
The Pledge was again asked to remove her clothing, and she obeyed.
We told the Pledge to stand on a chair while we documented her “areas for improvement,” writing on her skin with markers.
The Pledge giggled because the pens tickled. Areas for improvement were noted:
“Cellulite here→”
“Jiggles here→”
“Can of lard lurking here→”
“Two rolls of fat→”
“Boobs small compared to waist→”
“Butt sagging→”
“Fat knees→”
“Remove this mole→”
“Hairy legs—eew!”
“When you go home and look in the mirror,” said the President, “remember that the Ladies of the Lake are here to help you become the best person you can be. Other friends will simply tell you what you want to hear; the Ladies of the Lake tell you what you need to hear.”
The Pledge thanked us, but she looked shaky as she put on her clothes. She left the meeting early because it was getting dark and very cold, and she had to walk all the way home.
LADIES OF THE LAKE—SPECIAL MEETING
The Pledge was not in attendance.
SUBJECTS DISCUSSED:
- Dolores was spotted at the Jenny Craig diet center with her mother.
- Nikki and I complained that we’re beginning to feel guilty about certain club activities.
“Why?” Priscilla asked. “Can’t you see that she loves being told what to do? She’s the kind of person
who can’t think for herself.”
“True,” I said. “But—maybe it’s still getting too mean.”
- Priscilla proposed a final test to determine whether Dolores would become a full member of the Ladies of the Lake. “To be fair, we have to give her one last chance,” said Priscilla. “After this, the game will be over.”