Girl (22 page)

And then my SAT scores came and they were really high. And Mr. Perry got all excited because this year maybe he could get more Ivy Leaguers than Camden. Nathan scored really high too and he told me he wanted to go to Yale and I remembered Jim Dietz, who went there my sophomore year, and how old and distinguished he seemed and I looked at Nathan, who was nice but basically a dweeb, and it was scary how fast things change. And then this rumor went around that the top two SAT scores at Hillside were Richard Kirn and
Betsy Warren
. Everybody freaked out and nobody would believe it about Betsy but then everybody started watching her in classes and noticing how the teachers were
sort of afraid of her and how she got A's even when she was totally wasted and people started to believe it.

The Sins of Our Fathers show was the big opening weekend for K Club so there was lots of publicity. There was a write-up in
The Oregonian
and posters everywhere downtown and by the end of the week someone had put up a Sins of Our Fathers poster in the
Hillsider
office. Fortunately Cybil had her date with Eric to worry about and wasn't paying attention to what was going on at school. They went out on a Wednesday and all that night I tried to study but I just kept looking out my window and wondering what was happening. But then the next day we went to Arctic Circle and Cybil was really quiet and she said it wasn't that great and she probably shouldn't go out with older men, especially if he was the owner of K Club where they would be playing all the time. And she went on like that, thinking up excuses and I ate my ice cream and watched her and thought how Eric K Club was so cute and so nice and if she couldn't like him, who could she like?

Eric had K Club
ready for the grand opening. It looked great. It was bigger than Outer Limits and the stage was higher and they had cool blue lights that swirled around and made the walls look like the ocean or the sky or something. And everyone was starving for a new
scene and there were so many new people that whatever cliques there were from before were now irrelevant and everything was starting from scratch. And it was so crowded I stayed in the dressing room with Cybil and Eric was smoking pot with Matthew and everyone was acting casual but they were obviously very nervous and excited. Party Hats played first and then there was a new band of all girls that weren't very good and then it was Sins of Our Fathers. I snuck out and hid right at the front of the stage because I didn't want to see Beth or Nathan or any Hillside people. I just wanted to see the show. And everyone was crowding forward and getting excited. And then Cybil walked out and she was wearing baggy skater shorts and this cool striped shirt and she looked very boyish and cure but also you could tell she was nervous. And the crowd at the front shouted, “Hey, Cybil!” but she just ignored them and sort of smiled and then Matthew came out and he hadn't shaved and he looked really trashy and stoned and Fiona looked really tough and even Greg looked like a real drummer. But it was weird because they seemed intimidated by the huge crowd and I could see Cybil shaking when she drank some water. And then something happened to the drums and they had to wait and people yelled and I started to get worried. But then they were ready and they started “Love Disease.” Matthew played the first part and Cybil waited by the drums and everyone was watching. And then Greg clicked his sticks 1—2—3—4 and Cybil jumped in the air and when she hit the ground the band just exploded. Just this incredible roar of sound, super fast and super loud and totally pounding. The crowd went crazy. It was like this huge tension was released and the whole room surged forward and then back and people started pushing and slamming and diving off the stage. And I stood there in awe and then these really young girls came crashing into me and I pushed them away and they were laughing and screaming and totally drunk.

·    ·    ·

Sins rocked so hard. By the middle of the set everyone was drenched with sweat and Eric watered the front row with pitchers of water. And Cybil whipped people with the mike cord and then someone pulled her into the crowd and they passed her around above their heads and then they threw her back on stage and you could see her confidence growing. And when they played “We Are All Prostitutes” the whole crowd was singing along. And people were pushing so hard I was getting squished against the stage and Eric saw me and pulled me out of the crowd and I sat with him on the side of the stage. And then on the last song Cybil looked around in the crowd and then she said, “This song is for Andrea, wherever she is,” and it was the Color Green song “Girl” off the new record and I was embarrassed but then when they played it I was so proud I got tears in my eyes.

Afterward everyone hung out. Nathan and Beth were there looking dweebish and very high school. And of course after worrying that half of Hillside would show up and embarrass us, they were the only two. Cybil went back to the dressing room and I sat on the stage with Eric, who was trying to keep people from trashing the place. Because all the old people from Outer Limits were cool but the new kids just wanted to destroy everything. And it was a weird crowd because it was a lot more suburban people and skateboarder types and less the street kids and skinheads that used to be at Outer Limits. There were even a gang of girls with bomber jackets and perfect hair and I said something to Eric and he said they were slumming. And then I saw the preppie boy from Arctic Circle standing with this really beautiful girl and he saw me and tried to make eye contact but I wouldn't.

On Monday nothing much had changed at Hillside since no one had come to the show. Cybil was glad of course and
she was now trying to study more because she didn't know what she was going to do after high school. And I knew there was tension between her and Matthew because he definitely wanted to keep the band going. And it must have been a weird situation for her, having to commit herself to someone like Matthew, and probably for him too, because Cybil was very hard to predict and she did not have the usual ego motivations of most musicians, which was probably why Sins of Our Fathers were so good.

Meanwhile Mr. Perry was getting people to apply early decision to their first-choice college. I sat with Beth at
Hillsider
and we talked for hours about the various colleges and Berkeley sounded okay but also back east might be fun because of the cities and they had real snowstorms and it seemed more romantic somehow. Mr. Perry wanted me to go for Brown or Smith but I went for Wellington, in Connecticut, because it was smaller and coed and seemed more mellow. So I went around and did all the stuff and sent it in and then Wellington wrote me back and said I had to get interviewed.

Of course Mr. Perry had told us about interviews but I guess I hadn't thought about it and when I got the letter I got really nervous. The interviewer was in Portland. His name was Paul Johnson and he was a Wellington alumnus and his address was a law firm on the twenty-ninth floor of the Pacifica Building. I showed my parents and they had heard of him and then they got all nervous and we started arguing about what I should wear. My mom was terrified I would blow it by wearing one of my “goofball outfits.” So she took me to Kruger's downtown and bought me this super conservative dress. Then we went for shoes and a hair trim and I basically let her choose everything and even if I tried to make the tiniest suggestion she was like, “No!” And it was so awful because my mom didn't know anything about fashion, even the
most basic stuff, and even my dad understood but he kept whispering to me to just go along and I didn't really have much choice.

So when I showed up at the Pacifica Building I was wearing shoes that hurt and this dumb dress that was poking me and my hair was all brushed and combed and in a barrette and I swear I looked like some Okie farm girl from Idaho. I went up the elevator to the office and the receptionist was totally stylish and gorgeous and I could not have been more embarrassed. And then I went in to see Mr. Johnson and he was this crusty old guy who looked really tough and smart. He was on the phone and his office was sort of dark and with lots of wood and I could see through a crack in the curtain behind him that he looked out over all of Portland. He smiled at me and pointed for me to sit and the chair had such nice leather I almost slipped off it. But I didn't and I settled myself and folded my hands in my lap and tried to smile. And then he hung up the phone and shook my hand and we introduced ourselves and then he sat back in his chair and stared at me. I stared back. Then he smiled. I smiled. Then he grabbed my application stuff and flipped through it and asked me why I wanted to go to Wellington. I said because there were probably a lot of smart people there. He nodded and said there were. Then he asked me if I was smart. I said I didn't feel very smart but I got good SATs. He asked how good and I told him and he said yes, that was very good. Then he threw my application on the desk and said that SATs weren't everything and what else had I done? So I told him about
Hillsider
and KBAN and how I was into music and how I made posters for my friends' band. And all the time it was like this bluffing game and I couldn't tell if he was trying to scare me or if that's just how lawyers acted or what. And I knew he wanted to put me under pressure but I looked so stupid in my dress it was hard to really worry about how I sounded. And also I kept
thinking of Cybil and how brave she was and if I couldn't go on stage like her, I could at least show some old lawyer guy that I wasn't scared. And really, we hadn't even talked that much and he was just starting to seem nice and then he said, “Okay, Andrea Marr. I think you'll do fine at Wellington. I'll give you my highest recommendation.” I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say and then I tried to thank him but the secretary came zooming in to get me. And as she rushed me down the hall I told her I loved her outfit and she said thank you and I said, “My mother made me wear this dress, can you believe it?” But she just smiled and nodded and pushed me into the elevator.

When I got home I told my parents and they were so happy we all danced around in the living room. And the next day I wore my fish dress to school and put my hair up and stuck chopsticks through it and I walked into Hillside like I was the Duchess of Wales. And Cybil wanted to celebrate so after school we went to her house and put on black lipstick and tons of eye stuff. Then we went downtown and walked around Metro Mall and all these boys were looking at us and this one guy looked sort of like Todd from the back but it wasn't him. The next day there was a bomb threat at school and we hung out in the parking lot during third and fourth period and we were all at Matthew's car. He played Color Green on his stereo and Betsy Warren and Marjorie were there and Mrs. Schroeder stared at us and Matthew asked her if she wanted a bong hit and then said, “Just kidding!” And everyone laughed and I did too and for once I wasn't afraid of a teacher.

The next issue of
Hillsider
had an article about Sins of Our Fathers. Nathan wrote it and he said how cool they were and how there was so much talent at Hillside that we didn't see because we were so numbed by corporate rock and
beer commercials and music videos. And Nathan came up to me and he obviously wanted me to say what a genius he was but I didn't really like his article that much and I told him. And then about a week later Beth dragged me to Arctic Circle for lunch and she was all upset because Nathan didn't like her and what should she do? And then the preppie guy came in and he walked right over to us and sat down beside Beth and asked me out. And Beth and I just stared at him and he did what Mr. Johnson did, he stared right back and sort of challenged you, so I said okay and I gave him my number.

And then Beth told everyone at
Hillsider
about the preppie guy and Amy Brubaker was teasing me and then Nathan said, “So that's what you like,
boldness
.” And then he said, “Hey, I can be bold.” And I was like, “Oh, please!” And I knew he was just joking but I could see Beth getting jealous. And then Eric K Club called Cybil again and we went to Taco Time after school to talk about our boy problems like how when you finally get a boy interested in you you never want him. And we discussed if that's how life would always be, giving you what you don't need and always keeping the thing you really want just out of reach.

The preppie guy's name was Steve and he had a Saab, which impressed my mom when he pulled into the driveway. I made sure to wear the exact same clothes I was wearing when he asked me out so I wouldn't confuse him. We went to a movie and then to Scamp's for frozen yogurt and Steve asked me about K Club and the music scene and did I really know the people in Sins of Our Fathers because he thought they were from California. And I ate my frozen yogurt and talked and watched out the window and it was November already and I felt this strange emptiness inside me. And then later in his car we made out and I was feeling
really reckless and I undid his pants and pretty much invited him to have sex with me. But it freaked him out and his penis wasn't getting hard at all and then he said why couldn't I just relax and he didn't realize what type of girl I was and he should have known since I hung out at K Club. And he was so mad he took me straight home and when I got out of the car he floored it and left me standing in a cloud of burnt rubber.

I told Cybil about it and she said, fuck him. And then a couple days later she went out with Eric K Club and the next day she was depressed and she didn't think she should go out with older men and especially if they were in the music business. I reminded her how much fun we had when he made us tea but she didn't feel comfortable about it and now Matthew was trying to make a deal where they would play at K Club every Sunday night and get a salary or something and it would be a lot of money. And then Matthew started telling people that Eric was going to be their manager and that Sins were going to make a record with Buzz Mitchell. And then me and Cybil went downtown to look at records and I looked at Todd's CD because I had only seen the tape. There was a big picture of them on the back and Todd was staring down at the camera and I remembered how much I loved him and how I loved having sex with him and lately I had felt like such a big-shot senior but one look at Todd and I realized how boring and empty my life really was.