Girl (3 page)

On my sixteenth birthday
it just rained and rained. Cybil and Darcy and me went to a movie and had frozen yogurt at Scamp's and then we went home because Cybil was bored and Darcy had homework and I was getting depressed. At home my parents had a cake and
my brother, James, called from San Francisco and his stupid wife, Emily, got on and talked for about ten hours about how she was finally pregnant. And then Grandma Marr called from Phoenix and she was sending money. And everybody made such a big deal about the fact that it was “sweet sixteen” and it seemed so stupid that a girl has to be sixteen and seventeen and everybody gushes over her like this is the big high point of her life. When boys are sixteen nobody cares. They get drunk and crash their cars and get in any kind of trouble they want. They can have pimples and smell bad because nothing matters for them until they grow up and have important jobs bossing people around. But if you're a girl everybody says you're
blossoming
, you're so
beautiful
, here let's take a picture so when you're old and ugly you can look back and
remember
.

Mom took the pictures. Dad gave me a card that said he would take me to the DMV on Saturday and I could get my license. And then my mom started crying for no reason and my dad was getting all weird and not looking at me. That's another thing about sixteen, you're a woman now and everybody hates you for it and even your own dad won't give you a hug because the neighbors will think he's a pervert. And the whole thing made me mad so I escaped upstairs to my room and listened to a tape Cybil gave me and brushed my hair and picked at a zit on my forehead.

On Saturday Cybil wanted to come to DMV because she didn't have her license yet and she wanted to see what it was like. So we went and she and my dad quizzed me and I got them all right because I was so nervous I'd memorized the whole book. And then the test lady called out “Andrea Marr” and off we went. And it was a hard test too because it was in Sherwood Oaks and it was all these malls and these super-complicated intersections with a million cars coming
from every direction. In one place I had to turn left and I turned and somehow ended up in the Food Plus parking lot. And it took forever to get out and everyone kept cutting me off. And when we got back to DMV, I smiled at the lady and walked over to my dad and Cybil and I swear I was dripping with sweat.

I passed. I got my license. But big deal if you don't have a car. Darcy had her sister's car and on the first day of
me
having
my
license
Darcy
drove us downtown to the library. And we were hoping to see Derek and Jonathan but they weren't there and so we went to Scamp's for frozen yogurt. This was my real birthday party. The boy behind the counter was totally cute and gave me extra because Darcy lied and said today was my birthday. And we sat by the window and talked about everything like which girls were jealous of me going out with Mark Pierce and how cute Scott Haskell was and where we should go on a double date. And then two hippie women walked by in Guatamalan pants with their butts jiggling like Jell-O and Darcy was like, “Gross!” and I was like, “Haven't they heard of underpants?” And we were giggling and making fun of everyone and saying all the things we would never do when we got old.

Mark's idea for a double date was to go to the beach and spend the night in a motel. I thought that was a little much. Mark and I had not really talked about sex and he probably thought that meant we were going to do it. And I didn't really know what I thought, which probably meant I would. But what about Darcy and Scott? We couldn't go to a motel on their first date. So instead we went to a movie and then for pizza and Mark and Scott paid and Darcy asked me in the bathroom if Mark always paid for me. I said yes and Darcy said didn't I worry that he'd think I owed him and he'd want sex? I hadn't thought of that. And the date wasn't going well
anyway. Scott Haskell was a junior but you'd never know it by how he acted. He shot spitballs and talked back to the waitress and he was totally obnoxious. But afterward Mark said he was just nervous and he really liked Darcy. And she hadn't minded him that much and he was cute and a lot of other girls liked him so I guess she was still interested.

So we decided to go to the beach. I told my parents I was spending the night at Darcy's and she said she was spending the night with me. I'd never done that before but Darcy said it always worked. We left on Saturday during the day and Mark drove and he had a cooler full of beer. When we got there we had to go to several motels because he was too young and he didn't have credit cards but finally we found one. We went in and there were two double beds and we put our stuff down and there we were. In a motel. Scott turned on the TV. Darcy checked out the bathroom. Mark brought in the beer. Then we went for a walk on the beach and Mark looked so handsome in his raincoat and with the wind blowing his hair. And we walked arm in arm and it was so mature, like we were adults, like we were in a magazine
at the sea
. Then we walked back through the little town and went to McDonald's but Scott was sticking his straw in his nose and acting like a moron. And then it started raining and we went into the video arcade, which was sleazy but sort of fun. Me and Darcy played Mario Brothers and Mark did Kung Fu and Scott played a game where he flew a jet and shot people and he was gritting his teeth and pounding the buttons like, kill kill kill.

Back at the motel room we ordered pizza and watched TV and then Darcy wanted to take a shower so I went with her but then Mark and Scott wanted to come too so we all put on our bathing suits and got in the shower. It was a tight squeeze and then Scott turned on the cold water and Darcy started shrieking. And Scott asked us if the cold water made our nipples
stick up but it wasn't making mine because I was the farthest back. And Mark kept touching my butt and I could see he was getting an erection. And then Darcy saw it and then she really started shrieking and Scott sprayed Mark with water and said “Down boy! Down boy!” And the cold water was hitting Darcy and she fell out of the tub and then I tried to get out but Scott undid my bikini top and it almost came off. And the boys were still spraying each other and I tried to cover myself and then Darcy grabbed a towel and whipped Scott with it and Mark got him in a headlock and Darcy was going to pull down his pants but then the doorbell rang and it was the pizza.

We ate pizza. We drank beer. Then we went outside and the night was really still and the stars were like an explosion across the sky. So we all got dressed and got some blankets and went for another walk. It was so beautiful. And Mark was getting all cozy and putting his arm around me. And then we went up in the dunes and started making out. And Darcy and Scott were really getting into it and then they got up and went over the hill and I asked Mark what they were doing and he said, “What do you think?” I didn't know. And then Mark kissed me and put his hand between my legs and at first I wouldn't let him but then I did. And then he whispered for me to close my eyes and open my mouth because he had my birthday present. I knew he was going to do something stupid but I did it anyway and he put something in my mouth and it was a condom packet. I spit it out and I was like, “Thanks a lot!” But he said he meant it. That's what he wanted to give me for my birthday. He wanted to make love to me because he was falling in love with me and that was the best present he could think of. He said we didn't have to do it right then but sometime. Whenever I wanted. Then he started whispering how sexy I was and undoing my pants and putting his hand in and I guess it felt okay. And there was still
no sign of Darcy and Scott and it was quiet and the sand was cold and the waves made a rushing sound. Then Mark undid his own pants and got his penis out. He wanted me to touch it so I did but that just made him more horny and he started begging me and I said no and he said “Back at the motel?” And I said, “I don't think so.” And he said it would feel
so good
and this was the perfect place with the beach and the scenery and everything. But I didn't want to. Not with Darcy and Scott right behind us. And after a while they crawled back over the dune and Darcy was buttoning her shirt and Scott was grinning so big. But Mark was getting cranky and he wanted to go back and drink beer so that's what we did.

The next day I just wanted to get home so our parents wouldn't catch us. Mark dropped us off at Darcy's, where we could wash our clothes and get the sand out. Of course I wanted to know what she and Scott did in the dunes and she said not much but enough to leave a mess all over his jeans. I said, “Darcy, it was only your second date!” But she said she had to do it because if she didn't he would get this pain in his testicles and he wouldn't be able to walk and the baseball coach would know and then everyone would think she was a tease. And then she said I was getting too weird about boys and why was I so uptight lately? It was true. The problem was Mark Pierce. I couldn't tell if I liked him or if I should trust him or if he should be the one. And it seemed like I should decide because I was sixteen and a virgin and I couldn't put it off forever. But when I asked Darcy if I should break up with him she was like, “No way!” But that was just because she liked Scott Haskell and he and Mark were so popular it was like this big honor for us to be dating them.

·    ·    ·

In the cafeteria
on Monday Darcy and I argued about sleep. She thought it was bad to get too much because it made you tired and gave you zits. But I said it kept your skin young because it was less time being awake and dealing with stress and getting old. Then Greg walked by and we both looked away super fast and prayed he wouldn't come over. We watched him go past and he didn't have anyone to sit with and you could tell how embarrassed he was. That's how lunch was at Hillside. Totally brutal. Like if you didn't have any friends there was nowhere to hide. Fortunately Scott Haskell and Brian Babbit came over and sat with us. Then Mark Pierce came and Renee Hatfield. Renee sat right across from me which was sort of scary because she was a junior and popular and a total gossip. And Mark was talking about how he almost got in a fight at baseball practice and Renee was scoffing and then Scott grabbed Brian's orange and wouldn't give it back. And Renee was teasing Mark and then Scott tried to make a basket with Brian's orange and accidentally hit a freshman girl in the head. And then Mr. Angelo lifted Scott up by his hair and marched him to the principal's office and as soon as they were gone Mark threw Scott's sandwich at some sophomores but they wouldn't throw anything back and everyone complained how boring the sophomores were this year.

And it was weird because from that day on it was like we were this little clique of Mark, Scott, Brian, Renee, Darcy,
and me. It was nice to have someplace definite to go at lunch but it also made you feel stuck. Like you always had to sit with them no matter what. I mean, Cybil and Richard didn't even come to the cafeteria. They'd eat outside or sneak across the street to Taco Time or sometimes they would go on fasts or eat trail mix or weird vegetarian stuff that Richard would bring. And everyone thought I was Mark Pierce's girlfriend now and all the sophomore and junior boys started looking at me differently, with a new respect. And I suppose I should have felt lucky but mostly I felt restless and like I didn't want to sit in the exact same place every day listening to Mark's jock stories or Renee's gossip or watching Scott blow bubbles in his milk.

I guess I was lonely for Cybil. So one day at lunch I snuck over to Cybil's locker and went to Taco Time with her and Richard. I hadn't hung out with them in weeks and it was awkward because Richard was wearing this strange coat, it was like a woman's raincoat and he had on these black leather shoes and Cybil wore her mole hat and they looked totally bizarre. And they
were
bizarre. At Taco Time they went through this whole routine of ordering veggie burritos and one of them had to get the value meal and the other had to get a certain size pop so they could get the Scooby Doo glass. It was very complicated and they were obviously deeply entwined in each other's lives but the thing was,
they weren't in love
. I mean, it didn't seem like they were. They didn't even seem like boyfriend and girlfriend. They were like two crazy people in a park or two eccentric inventors and sometimes even the words they used were like nonsense, like their own special slang and you didn't know what they said but they understood perfectly.

We sat at a booth and Cybil ate her burrito and Richard told me all the news about their band. He asked me if there
were any other songs that stuck in my head and which types of songs did I like. I said I was just a boring high school girl and who cared what I thought? But he said that was exactly the point, it was demographics and I was a perfect test market. That sounded insulting but I didn't say anything. Instead I asked Cybil what happened to Todd Sparrow. She said he was in Seattle and Richard said, “Yeah, but he's coming back.” So then we talked about Todd Sparrow and his band, Color Green, and how cool they were and how Thrift-store Apocalypse should play a show with them. And Richard said there was a whole youth movement coming up and it was like a revolution and all the old hate bands were fading off the scene. Punk was over. Bands like Pax and Color Green and even Thriftstore Apocalypse were taking over. Then Cybil said she wanted to change their name and Richard said, “We already discussed it.” But Cybil said she thought Thriftstore Apocalypse was dumb and Richard said, “But people are starting to know it.” And Cybil said, “So what, it's still stupid.” And then she sipped her Coke and Richard talked to me and Cybil just stared out the window at the cars going by.

After fifth period I ran to Darcy's locker. I told her that Todd Sparrow's band was called Color Green and Thriftstore Apocalypse was going to play with them and there was a youth revolution and all the new bands were taking over and wasn't it exciting? Darcy didn't think so. She wanted to know where I was at lunch. I said I went to Taco Time with Cybil and Richard. She said Mark was making jokes about me. I said, “What kind of jokes?” She said, “Jokes about how you're a virgin.” But then she said that Renee actually started it and she was making fun of Mark and it wasn't really Mark's fault. I told Darcy that I hated Renee and her stupid gossip and I didn't care about Mark or Renee or any of them. And Darcy was being so mean and just putting her
books in her locker and not answering me. Then I said, “If you have sex with Scott Haskell you will always regret it because he'll just use you and he'll tell everyone.” And then I walked away and I was shaking because in the last forty minutes I had realized that Cybil and Richard were too weird to be my friends and Darcy was too fake to be my friend and Mark was too much of a jerk and suddenly I was standing dangerously close to the edge of the cliff of not having any friends.